Women@Work

[Buddha_Mind]

How do you deal with them? How strongly to do you express your game? I will soon be starting a very important job in a place where there will be attractive women of like-mindedness.

I've made enough negative headway with women to be naive enough to get involved with a woman I work with. [I say this now and I ought to re-read this thread 3 weeks from now when work starts] -- I need to keep my head on straight going into this, and set my foundation at work correctly from the beginning.

My question to you all is how do you deal with women at your workplace? This is coming from the perspective of deliberately not gaming them for self-protection of career momentum...or to prevent any vindictive spite from interfering with life's Larger Responsibilities...

I am not sure after being a part of this board for this amount of time, or from some of my personal experiences with women, that I will be able to entertain a naive innocent friendship with women [which some at my new workplace may seek]...some at this new work place may desire to get deeper into my personal sphere...how do you all protect what is yours from potential damage via crazy bishes? Is this misogynistic or overtly-cynical?

Clearly I have my ideas about how to enter into this social scene...but curious if some of you weathered professionals who work around attractive women can give me some insight into keeping things kosher at work and setting appropriate (preferably, non-verbal) boundaries. If this is all too intellectual/over-thinking, call bullsh!t or gimme some feedback.

 

[Scars]

Set your career goals above woman. Almost like a "bros before hos" code. Just remind yourself that money > women.

It's easy for me cause there is only two women at my work place I am sexually attracted to. One is married, and the other is in a serious relationship (engaged, and about to get married) but I've been in situations where sexual attraction could compromise a job (although not as serious). Just keep thinking about them Benjamens man. I would gladly choose money over a b!tch. I know the line is cliche, but it's co true. Money can buy b!tches, so why jeopardize it all for one single one? Makes no sense.

-Scars

 

[crazyboy]

you lose alot money chasing women you never lose women chasing money.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

you lose alot money chasing women you never lose women chasing money.

^funny stuff.

It should be cool. But sure, professionalism > women, because if she gets angry/vindictive/spiteful (or who knows what) that can foil forwards momentum for sure.

Or just lead to awkwardness at work for certain.

It should be cool. These threads here popping up about women&friendship and all this have got me thinking -- maybe I just ought to extend to all the people I work with but keep my personal boundaries.

 

[Mike32ct]

Espi is spot on.

I used to think that being friends with coworkers was a good thing. I mean it's great when you need favors, and it makes work more fun. But, as he points out, there is a serious downside. You'll be drawn into office drama and gossip.

Your workplace "friend" will talk sh@t about the boss and/or other coworkers. People can overhear that. Even if you don't actively participate, just being in that conversation can hurt your reputation.

A workplace "friend" of mine filed a complaint with HR about a manager. Who did this person select as a witness? Me because they assumed I would take their side. After all, we were friends right? I wanted no part of it, but got dragged into it by HR against my will. Let's just say that this manager had promised me a promotion prior to this incident. I asked HR if they could keep my testimony confidential. They said no. After the incident, the manager never mentioned it again.

 

[MaddXMan]

Hey Buddha good luck in your new job.

My advice is to always keep things professional. Part of that means you're not there to make friends with anybody, especially the women--and I am one to tell you that the more friends you make at the workplace, the more likely you will be tempted to get sucked in by gossip, office politics, etc. (just my opinion). Set yourself apart by being a high performer. Also, being professional means that you never engage in anger, spite, etc., even if you're the person on the receiving end. The office is NOT the place in which you want to be associated in any way with emotional drama. You just need to find something within you that rises above that stuff and keeps you performing at a high level.

Also, I RARELY associate with my co-associates outside of the office, especially when alcohol is involved. This includes the occasional summer picnics and the annual end-of-year Christmas parties. I'm just not comfortable in that setting because I don't drink alcohol much, and, usually, the conversation will at some point take a turn toward gossip or other useless idle talk. I'd rather be spending my time with friends or family.

Another, thing, too: carry yourself well in team meetings. I cannot tell you how many times I've been sitting in a conference room, waiting with my co-workers for the speaker to come in and start the meeting, when some idiot starts cracking inappropriate jokes or revealing the details about his debauched weekend--beware that this stuff actually seems to happen a lot; observe closely the conversations that are taking place right BEFORE those team meetings start...i.e. those minutes right BEFORE your boss enters the room and starts the meeting. This is where you can get to observe the mindset of people in your company--the professionals versus the instigators, and you need to avoid being part of the instigators in every imaginable way. I advise you to steer clear of the guy who tells crude jokes, even if it's your boss (every office seems to have at least one of these).

Again--it's best to set yourself apart as the serious guy who works hard; you'll earn credibility from the people who truly matter at your job--and inevitably, you'll end up being promoted and making more money.

+1, and don't add your coworkers onto facebook - I mean circumstances can vary, but coworkers are gossipy and also tattle tales. Call in sick, then post pics of you on fb at the beach, and watch your supposed best friend at work tell the manager or HR.

I am in HR and this happens from time to time.

Also just don't date in the workplace. I made that mistake once, and after it ended badly the woman was bragging to others she had been with me and was saying I didn't realize how easily she could have me fired.....a good job is not worth that hassle what so ever.

 

[Poonani Maker]

I have a co-worker who actually married another co-worker. They just had their first child at 38/39 yrs old. Of course, he's got a lot of character as does she, and he's always been kinda badas5, good at cracking jokes and quick comebacks on others. He's also from NY, and may be related to a famous child actor there, not sure, just same last unusual name. So, it's rare, but if the people involved are not "typical" 21st century cvnts you find everywhere out there today in most places of work, it's possible for you to pair up with one of those rare ones who has an even-keel head, and is about no bullsh!t just as much as you and most of your other co-workers are. I'm thinking Army-type chicks might work, those that maybe live in reality? and don't play the devious games that a lot of white collar political hacks (both men and women) play.

 

[joverby]

I agree w/ Poonani. At my last office job my supervisor was married to another guy in a different department and they met there.

It's a dangerous game is which why most advise against it, but it can happen. Just depends on BOTH people.

I also don't advise against being friendly , personally. At least for me, because that's how I am. I talk to the people around me about random stuff/joking but we are also serious when we need to be. I am also on this term directly with my supervisor and a little bit with her boss but usually more serious with him. But he still cracks jokes back etc. We're cool with eachother.

I agree you shouldn't go over board and get into drama / politics. Or add them on facebook / go out to the bar with them(GENERALLY). Guy friends are a different story IMO, won't be drama like that with them.

But tred with caution with pursuing a relationship / tail. I've seen it pan out in peoples favor before but never against anyone, but I don't have a ton of experience either.

 

[Mike32ct]

I also don't advise against being friendly , personally. At least for me, because that's how I am. I talk to the people around me about random stuff/joking but we are also serious when we need to be. I am also on this term directly with my supervisor and a little bit with her boss but usually more serious with him. But he still cracks jokes back etc. We're cool with eachother.

I agree you shouldn't go over board and get into drama / politics. Or add them on facebook / go out to the bar with them(GENERALLY). Guy friends are a different story IMO, won't be drama like that with them.

Agreed. By all means be friendly. I'm just saying be careful about getting overly chummy with coworkers, especially female ones.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I agree with all of what you guys have said here. Thanks for those who took time to provide some thoughts -- Epsi thanks especially for your words there, hit home, Mike32 same for you man.

I have no intentions of being stand-offish or "too-cool-for-school", but it is a big deal this place, taken me awhile to get to a point where I'd have an opportunity like this; and given the drama I witness with women and some of my past experiences in less professional environments, I definitely agree getting too "chummy" and office romance can backfire. Clearly the biggest issue is that I want to do well here and not let bullsh!t get in the way from a good opportunity.

I do agree that in rare circumstances, dating a woman from work might be acceptable. But I myself would probably only venture down this path after really getting to know her...I'm not talking a ONS here...I've seen a few successful relationships where the couples met at work -- but more often than not the relationship was a result of many years of knowing that person.

I have traditionally been the "same person" at work as I am in my social setting as I am walking around in public, but entering into this more professional atmosphere I'm going to have to work a bit harder at compartmentalizing a few aspects of my personal life.

I think those thoughts here on avoiding office gossip, sticking to the task/mission and performing successfully without all of the silly banter, is solid advice. I probably not need go into this hiding my personality entirely, but rather be aware of what I expose. Why be too open in an atmosphere were judgements and evaluations of a person effect their forwards movement within that group? [this same principle of not over-exposing yourself is key in the DJ game itself is it not?]

The less revealed about personal life, probably the better. And in some ways going into this, why even give them access to that? -- How will it ultimately help me or help my place at work? What I bring to work ought to be my game face and best performance.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Update: so I'm in the middle of a very remote place and unfortunately, given the motives of my initial post, am working with some very hot outdoor naturey women (my favorite type oh yes). I've already sensed some IOI's from a chunk of the women I met today...I was dressed nice, first day, lots of smiles, that sort of thing -- was feeling good reaching out.

However -- I am brought back to this thread. Partially to remind myself of what I forewarned awhile back. IE, watch out for women at work!

Now that I'm "inside" the situation, it is always harder to see the truth than when on the outside.

There are a few cuties, one chick particularly who seemed rather legit, kept batting her hair when I walked by. Gaming these chicks is out of the question -- because I work with them -- there is a level of respect that I think is essential for the precedent of this work relationship -- and that includes those I work with.

However here are my concerns:

(1) This town is a rather conservative ranching community in the isolation of the mountains. There are a lot of "big mammas" here, "unkempt women", etc..the mountain hotties all seem to be indoors at this office place (which provides a rather progressive culture due to the influx of travelers, climbers, outdoors people in the community). I am somewhat unsure if I will meet some interesting women of similar chord within the community itself, due to the contrasting cultures I see here...

(2) What if I find a genuine connection with a co-worker, unexpectedly? Am I strictly not to pursue -- even if we have a genuine attraction, connection or developing care for one another -- simply because we are co-workers, and I promised myself I "wouldn't date a co-worker"? I question if there are good people I may pass up by this black and white mental law I've created for myself...isn't part of life taking in where it's roads lead you?

(3) This job is a temp-based internship with the potential leading towards a greater position...another temp-worker (cute ranching girl, probably early-mid twenties) asked if I'd like to room with her...hrm...there are fiscal benefits to this..shared expenses...this position is a good one but the pay is low -- she's in the same boat. We are both definitely here for the experience, resume building and the potential for where it may lead into the future. There was of course a daydream of living with this chick and finding some nice FB situation ... but this is likely a lunatic thought that could seriously damage my opportunities here if things went sour ... if I lived with her I'd have to keep it kosher and maybe enjoy her female friends for dating, sex, etc. Would moving in with an attractive female (I am not in any sort of AFC frame with this chick as of present) be a benefit or negative to some of you? I definitely enjoy my alone time -- but at the same time after the **** I've been through the last 8 months seems like it might be nice...even if nothing sexual occurs between us two..

(4) This is my first week...my reputation may effect how life here transpires later on into the future. I could move on to somewhere else after these 3-6 months (internship duration) or it could turn into something more...if I leave after 3mo and turned down these naturey babes because I was "concerned about professionalism" I wonder if I'm shooting myself in the foot from some real growing experiences. OR; if it does turn into the opportunity for a legit job but I'm known in the building as a womanizer, etc, this may be not-so-good (or could garner me even more respect..who the hell knows)...

--

I suppose there is a part of me that would simply like to do whatever I'd like to do. I'm surrounded by these beautiful artsy babes, I'd like to try them all! And I have been a very lovey-dovey sort of dude...I'm trying to combat this repetitive, somewhat childish view of love. Other part of me says -- be charismatic, engaging, but keep your distance, preserve your career momentum, you've dreamed of working here and now you are don't make some b.tch into another life-problem! But my d1ck says (and my desire for genuine human connection), "artsy momma let's take a hike down by that river and lose ourselves with each other..."

And there are so many artsy mammas to choose from! But it seems there must be some preservation of my personal life (and this means keeping work women from gabbing!) from work life, but in this small town, and in this work atmosphere, this will be a challenge without coming off like a non-social SOB...

But there is this adventurous curious side in me calling me to schmooze up all of these women for every drop it's worth....not in some selfish way of bloated self-importance...but rather...because well, I would simply like to.

Anyone who might be able to give me some outside perspective would be helpful...some adrenaline and testosterone and youthful naivety are probably at play in my current post & thoughts here.

Word to your mothers.
_BM

 

[Yuma]

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your co-workers far the hell away.

Never dip your pen in the company ink, bro. Unless you want that pen to explode in your pocket and get you into a huge mess.

I speak this from experience. That's drama you don't want.


Making friends at work? That's fine, if even a little slippery. I prefer work acquaintanceship more than work friendship. Be cool enough to say waddup, but don't be cool enough to go to the bar together and talk about girls or whatever work bros do. *shrug*

It's not worth the trouble. Separate money from social life until you don't have to question the division.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your co-workers far the hell away.

Never dip your pen in the company ink, bro. Unless you want that pen to explode in your pocket and get you into a huge mess.

I speak this from experience. That's drama you don't want.


Making friends at work? That's fine, if even a little slippery. I prefer work acquaintanceship more than work friendship. Be cool enough to say waddup, but don't be cool enough to go to the bar together and talk about girls or whatever work bros do. *shrug*

It's not worth the trouble. Separate money from social life until you don't have to question the division.

Re: Work bros: I'm open to the idea of chilling with a few work friends, doing some climbing or having a few beers...I'd say that's not too crazy, eh?

Re: Living with female-co-worker: not uncommon in the outdoor field to room with co-workers, even opposing genders...but maybe it's not a good idea..

Just seems like the only real friends I'm likely to form in this town are those I work with...unless I get into ranching and driving Ford F250's sometime soon...hehe

 

[Yuma]

Re: Work bros: I'm open to the idea of chilling with a few work friends, doing some climbing or having a few beers...I'd say that's not too crazy, eh?

Re: Living with female-co-worker: not uncommon in the outdoor field to room with co-workers, even opposing genders...but maybe it's not a good idea..

Just seems like the only real friends I'm likely to form in this town are those I work with...unless I get into ranching and driving Ford F250's sometime soon...hehe

I think you can make friends anywhere. I just moved to North Carolina from San Francisco, and the culture is VERY different here. So, I have to go out and keep approaching people (women, men, couples, etc.) to make new friends and meet new people. I assume that's the goal anywhere, right?

As for living with female co-workers, honestly, the only reason I could condone that is if you two are in a committed relationship, or she's a pivot (or maybe even a wing?). Otherwise, I could see a Michael Bay disaster on the horizon.

Work bros are all right, given the situation. I'd have to REALLY get along with the dude. That's just me, though.


You seem like an outgoing, affable fella. You'll have no problem making friends.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Hey Buddha you seem to carry an instinctual knowledge that it's a not a good idea to get mixed up with any of these women. On the other hand, after just one day on the job, it seems to me like you're trying really hard to rationalize your way into doing what you want--which is to involve yourself with the women at your workplace.

I can understand what you're thinking. You are, after all, a young, smart guy who likes the young ladies, and obviously, they seem to like you. Right now, you're the new guy at the office, and all of the women seem to be taking notice. It feels great. Perhaps your ego's being boosted, and a man's ego can be a very tough force to combat.

But I sense that you're setting up yourself up for a lot of potential trouble. In my opinion, you need to focus on making the most of this job opportunity, so keep your distance, especially from the ladies. You can be a friendly professional guy without compromising your workplace reputation. Being friendly with the ladies does not mean that you have to make friends with the ladies. You don't have to be Mr. Popular or a PUA at the workplace.

Rooming with a chick whom you've just met? Not a good idea. How do you know what kind of rommate she'll be? Why are you so willing to buddy-up with these women on your first day of knowing them? Come on Buddha! You've been on this site for a few years and know better than that.

Of course you'll do what you ultimately want, but my advice is to stay away. Or, at the very least, give yourself a few months; just focus on being a kickaSS employee and let your co-workers prove themselves to you. In a few weeks, I'll bet that some of those women will lose any interest that they're showing you today. A new guy, who's better looking, etc. may replace you as the new office heartthrob. And, most importantly, trust me: management is watching...and they will form an opinion of you, based on the people you interact with and how you treat them. How do you think your manager would regard you if you shack up with a girl co-worker?

Just focus on getting to know your co-workers on a strictly professional level instead, before you're willing to dive in and potentially bring in a lot of negativity into your life.

Work hard, get promoted, make more money, and in a few years, you'll be a much more confident and wiser guy, and you'll have lots of women outside of the workplace wanting to know you.

You've hit it spot on Epsi. Mad props. Definitely am the new guy, getting some attention, but that will fizzle away, and god knows the next new dude through here will be a temporary big-deal. But people (especially women) can lose interest very fast, especially at the first sight of major AFC behavior.

The attention does make me feel good -- these girls are beautiful -- but you are absolutely correct in being professional -- and I definitely am trying to rationalize my decision and make it OK.

However, in defense of the industry I'm in, it is not too off the wall to do shared housing. Outdoor education unfortunately does not always pay that well but the opportunities and experiences and daily-life is very exciting, often in beautiful powerful landscapes. So I know my boss (whom overheard the idea of our roomshare) was cool with it -- but yeah man why bring that drama onto myself just because I'm enjoying some current attention...although I'm concerned I won't meet many women outside of work in this rural town, I am probably underestimating those here who I have yet to meet and am coming from a scarcity mentality (I have to date these women because there are no others).

Thanks for your input Epsi, seriously man.