women bail on me w/out warning

[ogre]

Women don't want a guy that asks them what they want to do,

yes I noticed that in a date last year. I gave a girl to many choices and she accused me of beig "indecisive"

You lead. They want a man with a plan. Of course, listen to what she says she likes, as that will give you some ideas of what to do in the future with her. But YOU make the plans

I did that. I said let's do mexican in Yonkers. but at the last minute she got cold feet about driving to an unfamilar town, and she asked me if I wouldn't mind coming to the Bronx. I said sure, no problem, but I dont know what's over there in your town, what are our options? so she suggested a few. I picked the thai place, she suggested the pub, and we agreed to do both. the thai place was reasonable and so was the pub. she liked both. I dont see a problem here.

If a woman wants to change the plans, she's out.

really? that would not have worked at all in this case.

>> are you sure? I think she is seriously considering the event on 1/10. are you saying I should just forget it? >>

She already has. You should do the same.

well, I feel compelled to ask anyway. if it's really that bad, it's not going to make things worse. my plan is to suggest it as a "friends only" thing, no date pressure, because she really does seem interested in the event, and I wouldnt want date pressure with my sorry old middle-aged ar$e to scare her away. playing "just friends" is not always so bad. if I have a pretty girl on my arm it does help me look better in my social circles, esp that particular one.


And yeah, if the spark isn't there, then it's because you need to set up a "coffee date" first to see if it is before you invest in a real date.

that was kind of what I thought I was doing. I said if Im gonna take you to this day-long event we should meet first. I just dont like coffee. I like thai food. and beer

Listen, you're around NYC? PM me and maybe we can hit come places one night, grab a drink and figure it out.

really? thanks! you should see some of my social circles. lots of women. a friggin candy store!

 

[Mr. Me]

>> did that. I said let's do mexican in Yonkers. but at the last minute she got cold feet about driving to an unfamilar town, and she asked me if I wouldn't mind coming to the Bronx. I said sure, no problem, but I dont know what's over there in your town, what are our options? so she suggested a few. I picked the thai place, she suggested the pub, and we agreed to do both. the thai place was reasonable and so was the pub. she liked both. I dont see a problem here. >>

Maybe there was maybe there wasn't. But it's usually not a good thing to do. She did get cold feet about being in a car with you going somewhere distant so that suggests maybe either the date was set up badly in the first place or maybe that was a flag that she wasn't that into you even then. But changing your plans to go someplace unfamiliar to you could also take you into a place that's just horrible for a first date. And if she were a gold digger, she'd be suggesting the most expensive places in town and you'd walk right into it. There's a few other reasons it's not a good idea, but I don't want to go on and on about it.

>> If a woman wants to change the plans, she's out.

really? that would not have worked at all in this case. >>

But it didn't work out.

>> well, I feel compelled to ask anyway. if it's really that bad, it's not going to make things worse. my plan is to suggest it as a "friends only" thing, no date pressure, because she really does seem interested in the event >>

Women see right through that. You're not kidding anyone with that "friends only" line. Besides, you DON'T want to set a "friends only" frame with a woman unless you truly intend on just being a friend, because that's what you will end up being. At least, until she has a boyfriend and then you never see her again.

>> that was kind of what I thought I was doing. I said if Im gonna take you to this day-long event we should meet first. >>

That's backwards, isn't it? What if you meet, and she doesn't like you? Or you don't like her? You set yourself up to be disappointed because you've made the day-long plans with her already prior to meeting.

>> I just dont like coffee. I like thai food. and beer >>

It doesn't have to be coffee per se.

>> really? thanks! you should see some of my social circles. lots of women. a friggin candy store! >>

That's good, because I like candy.

I'm not being entirely altruistic here, I admit. I figure it's a win-win.

I reason that a guy who can get businesses started, takes care of himself, can attract women, and is out there trying, obviously has something going for himself, you're not hopeless. I don't like the whole "middle age loser" that you're calling yourself, or even your screen name "ogre", because you're playing a head trip on yourself. We ALL have our flaws. You're just in some circumstances that aren't the best right now and I could use a few new buddies to hang with now and then. I'll see what you're doing and you'll see what I'm doing and it's a win win. Talk later, I'm on my way out now.

 

[jophil28]

I
truth is, I am legally disabled. I am slightly autistic (asperger's) which makes it very difficult for me to comprehend social skills, which are "common sense" for most people. this is why I keep trying and trying and not getting it. I only found out about this recently, and my ability to socialize has improved dramatically since. but throughout my life I have been socially rejected, picked on, made fun of, ostracized, fired from employment, etc etc. and did not understand why. but in spite of my disability I managed to start my own business. just when I was starting to become succesful, I got robbed and lost everything. that was 9 years ago. so I started again from scratch, built up my business again, became succesful, had lots of cash, a decent car (this is about the time I started actively dating) and then there was a fire and I lost everything again.

so now I am legally emotionally disabled with post traumatic stress disorder. I collect a social security check I piddle around doing odd jobs. I'm just tired tired tired.

Tell me, do you mention ANY of this to them on the first date ?

 

[thedeparted]

Lower your expectations, man. You don't need a hot young model to be happy. You need a woman who will treat you well. And be realistic. If you are struggling financially, have a crappy place and a crappy car, and a social disorder, it's time to settle for warm and cozy. Maybe fat. Maybe old. Whatever. You're no prize yourself.

The truth is that anybody can pull a 10 for a number close or maybe even a ONS. But long run, social matching theory kicks in. The beautiful woman fvcks the alpha male and marries the rich man. The ugly one fvcks the beta male and marries the poor man. The average one gets an average guy. And where there are mismatches, there are more fights and divorces. It's been studied ad nauseum.

So don't waste your time playing out of your league b/c you are not in the headspace to handle the rejection. Cut to the chase. Go for a woman in her 40's like you with similar social difficulties and life situation. And if you are not willing to consider such a girl, ask yourself why she should consider you.

~

response to ogre:

i'm not gonna blow sunshine up your butt. so if you are telling girls you have a disability you will get SYMPATHY -- you are definitely not gonna get PVSSY. hear me?

if the gal was interested she'd counter offer. if you had game, you'd close the deal on the phone. if you were high value you would not settle for "again sometime".

every great ball player started with t-ball when he was six, and moved up from there. I think you need more minor league experience. that's all.

 

[ogre]

responding to jophil28
Tell me, do you mention ANY of this to them on the first date ?

some of it. I mention the asperger's because it gives me an excuse for my quirky behavior. girls seem to be sympathetic. I also tell the fire story at some point. I never, ever mention the social security.


responding to thedeparted,

with all due respect, blow it out yer ar$e. I'm not gonna lower my expectations. been there done that. I AM gonna raise my value.


responding to DonS

Come on Bro, get busy!

I'm on it, DonS. thank you. after my second setback, it was very discouraging, and I more or less accepted my lot in life, but after my brief interaction w "hot chick" back in october, that really put a fire under my arse to get motivated. I coulda had that candy in my pocket if I just had a decent job and a decent car.

======

there has been an interesting development, I sent an email to the 26-yr old, a random joke ( I do that a lot - it's part of my internent game) She wrote back right away to say "It turns out I'm busy on the 10th but I wouldn't mind doing it some other time." Hmmmm..... so I called, she picked up (wow I was really surprised it didnt go to VM) and we talked a bit, I said no worries about 1/10, she said she thought I was a cool guy and she'd def WOULD like to hang out w me again sometime. So..... go figger.

 

[ogre]

response to thedeparted

if you are telling girls you have a disability you will get SYMPATHY -- you are definitely not gonna get PVSSY. hear me?

the alternative is to not mention it and get neither.

if you were high value you would not settle for "again sometime".

which is why I called... to see whether she was just blowing me off, or if she really did want to attend another event sometime.

if you had game, you'd close the deal on the phone.

I kept the call short. I told her I'd call her again during the week. the ball is in my court, for now.

I think you need more minor league experience. that's all.

Look..... I'm not attracted to middle-aged fatties, and I'm not gonna lead them on just for sport.

 

[Chrispy]

David DeAngelo - look him up.
He would say that mentioning your disability early will get you some, but things won't get far after that. Best to leave it out and mention it later if you want to develop something more meaningful with someone.

 

[ogre]

mentioning your disability early will get you some, but things won't get far after that. Best to leave it out and mention it later if you want to develop something more meaningful with someone.

one thing I noticed about aformetioned Hot Chick back in October was that she didn't give a rats as$ about my problems. she only cared about herself and what I could do for her. when I failed to meet all her critera she dumped me. if I'm going to have a succesful relationship, I will have to find someone with at least some measure of compassion.

 

[Mr. Me]

^^^ but first you have to get in some time with them. I just got off the phone with a female friend complaining about meeting guys who say the absolute worst things to say on a first date. One guy mentions how he's on meds, another mentions how he found pornographic photos of his ex with a dog... it's laughable. That's not the place or time to air your problems or flaws.

On these first dates, women are looking for the reasons NOT to see you again. Don't volunteer them. Even their seemingly innocent questions are really sometimes about screening you out.

After she's more involved with you and wants to be with you, then maybe you can let her know as an aside, not making a big deal about it, when she's less prone to let it matter about making that a reason not to see you again.

To screen someone for compassion, you'd need to go about it another way.

 

[Chrispy]

To screen someone for compassion, you'd need to go about it another way.

But how?

 

[Mr. Me]

That's what dating is for. Part of dating (in its function for finding a suitable partner) is observing and evaluating the other person. Over time, you get to see the other person in all sorts of social situations and seeing not just how they treat you, but other people as well.

Point was, you don't screen for character traits by revealing your imperfections on the first date.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

if I'm going to have a succesful relationship, I will have to find someone with at least some measure of compassion.

I'd discourage you from doing this.

You want to show women the strong side of you. The entrepreneur who won't quit. The unrecognized intellectual. The fun, forward-looking guy whose got guts and a great sense of humor. If they see these things in you, then nothing else will matter.

If you show them weakness and appeal to their mercy, you're going to get screwed in all but biological reality.

 

[ogre]

You want to show women the strong side of you. The entrepreneur who won't quit. The unrecognized intellectual. The fun, forward-looking guy whose got guts and a great sense of humor. If they see these things in you, then nothing else will matter.

I suppose if I frame it right, my story would read that way. and I suppose if I got back on my feet again, I would just naturally feel that way, which I presently do not.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

Well, you now at least know why women 'bail on you without warning.' This won't change until you do.