Women and their part in my life.

[kk2004]

I have been unhappy about my life for as long as I can remember, I never feel satisfied and upset all the time with stress on my shoulders everywhere I go. I probably am depressed and inside a rut.
The existence of a small social life, and no women, upset me all the time, its the cause of my biggest disappointment. I think the trick has to be first get off my feet and learn to feel happy with my life as it is, and to stop comparing myself to other people. I think that being happy and content with myself, will help big time, with whatever I do.

Right now I dont have any women In my life.
My friends dont know any, so my only solution is to do COLD approaches and meet girls that way.

Now I dont understand why cold approaches are so hard? In hard I mean so difficult to go up to the person and risking your ego and opening up. There's so much anxiety.

Do you think that cold approaches will get easier when I take care of my depression/esteem issue's?

 

[Sapiens]

Dude, first of all if you look at it that waaayyyyyyyy. YEAH, cold approaches are hard.

But if you look at it as just having fun, then they are SUPER EASY.

I do an average of 25 to 30 a day. From the girl at the Cafe where I have breakfast to the bank teller, to women walking down the street. I HIT ON ALL, why?, because this is a NUMBERS GAME.

Well, not all really, I don't hit on the ones I don't find attractive, I just smile and wish them a good day.

SMILE, SMILE, SMILE.... and for crying out loud LIKE YOURSELF.

-Sapiens

 

[kk2004]

hmmm...

I get tons of approach anxiety though....it almost feels unreal and the funny thing is that the regret isnt even that bad. Meaning that I dont sit down at home and feel bad I didnt approach, whenever a situation comes to approach.

For some reason I get so much anxiety, I think I might even have some social anxiety, becuase i seem to care about what other think about me and when Im in croweded places it tends to affect me and make me anxious and nervous. I think if it wasnt for my low self esteem, and the teasing I recieved when I was younger I would be mentally healthier.

My social anxiety/self esteem is making approaching tougher than it has to be, im sure its difficult but I got some issues to sort out and I dont know where to begin.

I think I can attack my self percptions and change my ideas about myself and build a new belief about who I am, and how attractive I am. Which can help change my warped self esteem.

 

[Sapiens]

Dude, What is it that gives you this anxiety? Try to picture yourself in the situation until you become desensitized.

 

[Bill]

There's anxiety, then there's an adrenaline rush. Try to go for the latter.

However, seeing as you're having anxiey AND depression symptoms, my advice would be to seek help.

-Bill

EDIT: Oops, former != latter.

 

[kk2004]

hm..

a few things do. First off it happens so fast its nuts.
The second a pretty chick walks by in school or anywhere I freeze and get a lump in my throat and my mind becomes empty.

Three wrong things, First is the importance that I place on them, "placing the pu*ssy on a pedistal"
and second letting my ego be affected so easily or even caring so much about what other people and women think about me, and third having such a low self esteem.

I get nervous so fast but here are some of my fears:
1. - If I look at them and make eye contact, they'll think Im a perv or there is something wrong with me.
2. - If I look at them, they will just make a face or show disgust and think "what an idiot for even staring at me, Im so pretty, he is so ugly, how dare he look at me!"
3. - Then I feel as If I'll be judged so microscopically, that for some reason the way I act or move or walk, they'll think Im stupid or gay or not good, that everything about me is so wrong that she possilby cant like me, even if it means standing next to her on the bus, I get nerovus that Im going to screw up or look dumb and she'll just hate me or make a face.
4. - Im afraid that If I say something to her, that she'll just squint her eyes and turn her head and pretend I never existed, or I might say something stupid and she'll just laugh at me, or If I approach her that she'll make me look stupid in front of all those other people by making me look dumb.
5. - Crowds are even worse since there so many other people there that doing something that Im afraid of screwing up that I fear I will just make everyone think I am stupid and it would be fifty people who think Im stupid instead of just a few.
6. - Saying just "hi" Im afraid that I'll look stupid and that I the girl would just turn her head and just roll her eyes, which would make me feel terrible. Just saying "hi, do you have the time" makes me feel scared bcuz Im afraid she'll think Im a perv and horny, and just gay for the way I said the words.
7. - Even making eye contact is fearful but I do it sometimes with the not so hot girls, but I fear that if I walk toward a girl in a club or a cafeteria that she'll just look at me in disgust and just start to walk away from me, and look at me like Im crazy and think "What does this loser think he is doing here walking toward me" or "what does this loser think that he's doing talking to me or saying hi"
8.- I also feel afraid that what I have to say they'll just think Im a loser or stupid and make me feel bad.

These are just some of my fears that are so deep ingrained, but I think they all stem from low self esteem, and that If I believed in myself that it would be easier like you said it yourself, but I wouldnt know how to start believeing in myself. How to remove the dought.

Right now approaching girls feels so far away. I would have done the same thing your friend did that paid you 5k.

 

[Sapiens]

Dude, first of all everything you just typed I have felt. Second you don't have to pay 5k to improve. Third, the same people you are seeing out there are feeling the same thing you are feeling.


So, if you knew someone was feeling the way you are feeling, but you knew that also they were nice people, how would you deal with them? People take their cues from other people, remember we are social creatures, if you project fear people will feel fear therefore they may feel defensive.


You are only looking at the world from your perspective, how about looking at it from other people insecurities, maybe they are thinking you may think they are ugly, pervs, sickos, you get the picture.

Let me also add, life is good; and it is good you exist! and...

Dude, girls are just like us. The only difference is that they have to protect that reproductive hole! They know if they give it up to a guy he will most likely won't stick around, and why should he, his need has been satisfied so he will look for other girls.

 

[kk2004]

yeah

yeah I understand that there def others out there who feel just like me, its just that sometimes you forget that and you become focused on your own pain. You forget that there also nice people around me who could be feeling the same.

But all the things I told you, there so hard to change and stop thinking that way.

I mean I think that I dont have to take their *****ness or attitude personally,since you said there protecting their "hole"and it makes sense, but its really hard to break all these old ideas, since they have almost become anchors in my pshyce.

 

[Brak86]

Re: yeah

Originally posted by kk2004
yeah I understand that there def others out there who feel just like me, its just that sometimes you forget that and you become focused on your own pain. You forget that there also nice people around me who could be feeling the same.

But all the things I told you, there so hard to change and stop thinking that way.

I mean I think that I dont have to take their *****ness or attitude personally,since you said there protecting their "hole"and it makes sense, but its really hard to break all these old ideas, since they have almost become anchors in my pshyce.

man i have felt/feel everything you posted in your previous post. Its hard to get rid of these gremlins. Some of these worries still linger with me. The way to attack it though is to go about it slowly. You're not gonna get rid of these things that fast. So build your way up. Hang out with your female friends and just get more comfortable around girls in general. Work out. Talk to random people that you dont think are hot. Talk to old people, men, other guys your age. You're only thinking these thoughts cause you're looking at a girl. You dont have these thoughts when you look at a girl whom you dont find attractive i assume.

 

[Sapiens]

The way to attack it though is to go about it slowly. You're not gonna get rid of these things that fast. So build your way up.

Work out.

Talk to random people that you dont think are hot. Talk to old people, men, other guys your age.

Yeah, what ^^ he said!

 

[Bill]

@kk2004: What you mainly fear is rejection. Thing is, if you want to date women, you will, at some point, get rejected; you just need to learn to fight your fear. The first few times it sure is hard, and you might even consider forgetting dating altogether.

One thing's for sure: women don't seek men who are afraid to talk to them -- and you probably know that.

Find some motivation inside of you, breathe deep, relax, and go for it.

Mind over matter.

-Bill

 

[Sapiens]

Damn I love this site, KK2004 check out this post:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=61781&highlight=robert+collier+william+james

Study this article carefully, take it in word by word there is lot of gold in it for your well being!!!

 

[kk2004]

ic

thx guys for all your help and good words of advice.

I think gradual exposure, such as talking to people and just random people will make it easier over time. I think over time and constant reminding that my ideas and views will slowly change.

Yes I do fear rejection, and not for the simple reason of rejection but the feelings it brings with it such as shame, embarresement and lowered self esteem.

But on approaching girls, doing cold approaches, on girls is very hard, even the ugly ones. But say if a friend of mine had a ugly girl with him, it would be easier to talk to her if she was sitting down next to him and I happened to be introduced but much more difficult if she happened to be pretty. I know Im placing importance on looks. My rational brain knows that but, changing these views subconciesely is a challenge and a mystery.

Just sucking it up and doing it is very difficult bro, its like there's to much up against you, I know I am my own worst enemy, but relaxing and just being calm and normal become so difficult that just thinking about it becomes daunting. So Bill yes I have tried sucking it up and using motivation to make myself talk to other girls, I even got a gf out of it. But the amount of psycheing out I have to perfom is so hard its like having to hear General Custers speech to go take that hill kind of deal, and I cant do that, everytime I want to talk to girls. I have to psych myself out totally just to even say hi. I dont have that much energy, you get burnout, and just feel like giving up.
Best example I can think of.
Picture a rocketship taking off, for the first few seconds the gravational force the rocket has to fight is immense, it has to climb a wall of force before it can punch through the atmosphere.
In the same way everytime I want to talk to a girl there is this huge force inside me, telling me not to. Since this is a numbers game those individals who dont have such a huge force to fight inside can more easily talk to whomever they may want to, and meet success. For me, on rare days when I find that strength, I muster up enough to say "hi, are you having fun?" at a club and she may say "yes" and that is it for the night.

More self esteem will make the force smaller, now I need a self esteem pill hehe jk. But self esteem is one of those things which you cant obtain since it has to be earned or built.

I hope that will reduce the force or the approach anxiety.

 

[backbreaker]

all I can say is, enjoy the time you have alone... women bring problems just as much as pleasure... the times I am by myself are usually happier than when I am with a girl.

 

[organizedconfusion]

carefull, if you are depressed and have issues you'll
just drag all that into a relationship. like attracts like-
which means you'll be twice as likely to sub-conciouslly
become attracted to chicks with issues also..
never a good combo

when will guys learn that a woman is NOT the answers to
your issues! soley relying on sex or a "woman" to fix your
problems is a losing battle.EVERYTIME.

it's like putting a band-aid on a huge gapping wound,
it make stick for a while but in time it'll surley fall apart.

like many posts i have read, it sounds as if there is a HUGE
HOLE in your EGO that you are trying to fill in with
woman/sex. whatever issues you may be having, i highly
suggest you get those dealt with first.

you have the rest of your life to have a woman-
why not deal with yourself first?

IF BEING WITH A WOMAN MAKES YOU MORE OF A MAN.
ARE YOU STILL A MAN IF YOU HAD NO WOMAN?


i am predicting that after a few successfull cold approaches and
dates you will find yourself exactly in the same postion you
are in now, but have replaced this issue with a new one...

 

[kk2004]

Yes

yes organized Confusion, thats exaclty what has happened, after I got a gf, and sex, it didnt feel great at all, it felt empty in fact.

Especially after having problems approaching girls, I figure it would make me feel better about myself if I had tons of girls around me. But thats not happening anytime soon.

What could I do to help myself out?