Woman told me we're not "dating"

[Mr.Positive]

I'm shaking my head on this...and could use some advise.

For the past few months I've been involved with a woman who's in one of my social groups...ie, we have several mutual friends. They are not aware that we have been hooking up.

So, for the past month, things have been getting more serious. The sex is great, we both have a very high level of attraction, and she can't keep her hands of me. IL is very high and consistently high. We see each other 2-3 times a week, have a great time, etc, and just enjoy each other's company.

This is a woman that I could possible see myself getting into a more serious relationship with. We have so many things in common together, on so many levels.

So here's the problem (if there is one).

She doesn't want to date anyone...and apparantly, we aren't even "dating", even though she spends the night at my place 2-3 times a week. She's openly told me she doesn't want to date anyone or be in a relationship.

Now, when she says this, I just joke and bust on her about it, not taking it seriously, etc. I've also never referred to spending time with her as dating either.

I've never been clingy with her, and have told her that I enjoy the time I spend with her. So far, everything has been great in our non-commital, non-dating, sneaking-around in our social group involvement.

I'm just wondering why out of the blue she mentions we're not dating....yet, her IL is through the roof.

Any thoughts?

 

[STR8UP]

Testing, testing....one, two, testing......

 

[logic1]

They are not aware that we have been hooking up.

She is hiding something from you or from someone in your group.

Whats her dating history? Could she have another boyfriend in your social circle.

Married and seperated? possibly thinking of reconciling?

I think your getting ready to get dumped?

 

[guru1000]

She doesn't want to date anyone...and apparantly, we aren't even "dating", even though she spends the night at my place 2-3 times a week. She's openly told me she doesn't want to date anyone or be in a relationship.

Now, when she says this, I just joke and bust on her about it, not taking it seriously, etc. I've also never referred to spending time with her as dating either.

I've never been clingy with her, and have told her that I enjoy the time I spend with her. So far, everything has been great in our non-commital, non-dating, sneaking-around in our social group involvement.

I'm just wondering why out of the blue she mentions we're not dating....yet, her IL is through the roof.

Any thoughts?

Here is a little cut and paste from my thread "Controlling the Frame".

Ok so now you found a HIGH IL woman. Do not take her for granted. We often run from what chases us. It takes maturity to realize you have a good thing. Just because this woman exhibits HIGH IL doesn't mean she cannot do better. Appreciate your HIGH IL woman.

In the beginning makes your RULES very clear.

"This is what I expect of you............"

She must know she is to play by your rules. Your power is in the ability to WALK AWAY.

Willing to walk away shows you have many options. Options are the backbone of CONFIDENCE. She must know at all times, you have an army of options waiting at your door. She is fortunate enough that you chose her. This is the essence of the prize mentality. You and her both know the reason this relationship exists is because you CHOSE her, not vice-versa.

Going forward, she will press and push your BOUNDARIES. She wants to know if you are for real. This will happen a great deal in the beginning. As the relationship progresses, it will happen less often. This never stops.

Never let her disrespect your boundary, no matter how small it may seem. NEVER!

How does an ant eat an elephant? Bite by Bite.

At the first Bite of your boundary, you MUST address it. If need to be, walk away. She MUST know you are for REAL and she must ALWAYS respect your rules.

You must be WILLING to throw the whole relationship away based on RESPECT to your boundaries. You come first ALWAYS.

INTEGRITY (your rules) TRUMPS RELATIONSHIP.

If you compromise your boundaries, you have lost the frame. The relationship is now over.
.

Here is what you didn't do:

1)There are no SET BOUNDARIES in place.

2)You have not ADDRESSED her BITE of your unexpressed BOUNDARY.


Here is what you should do:

1) Express your BOUNDARIES

2) Address her COMMENT

3) Be prepared to walk away


OR

She pushed and pressed your BOUNDARY and saw no RESPONSE. She will push furthur next time, if not push you out the door.

 

[mzilla2]

x2 on logic's observation...

Most women LOVE being able to say they have a boyfriend in their social circle, it gives them the appearance of value and desirability, regardless of her IL level in said "boyfriend"...

A take away might force her hand...

 

[Interceptor]

You need to take a good look at your Emotional Investment in this one.
Bottom line, don't get so attached and 'hooked'.

 

[romangod]

Mr. Positive............. This is a tough one. She's willing to hang with you and screw you yet she doesn't think you are in a relationship. It might be a defence mechanism from going that one step further and being vulnerable to her feelings towards you. It seems like you like her a lot and it might be time to open up and have a serious talk with her. If not, you'll just have to go with the flow and not put too much thought into it. Good Luck.

 

[Mr.Positive]

She is hiding something from you or from someone in your group.

Whats her dating history? Could she have another boyfriend in your social circle.

Married and seperated? possibly thinking of reconciling?

I think your getting ready to get dumped?

She's had several serious relationships in the past, the last one ended about 7 months ago.

Since then, she openly says in our social group that she doesn't want to date anyone, or be in a relationship.

I should also mention that she is extremely attractive, both physically and with her open friendly personality. Very much like Mary in the movie "Something about Mary". Guys hit on her all the time, yet she doesn't want anything to do with them, and climbs into my bed when nobody is looking.

I originally thought I was going to get dumped, ie..I'm the rebound guy, however her IL really is high.

 

[logic1]

What would bother me is the hush, hush bit. You dont know if she is jumping into other peoples beds also.

I think you have to take Interceptors advice and use her as a FB. Eventually the real story will come out. As one poster stated use the take away and see what happens.

Rebound people do recieve high interest levels at the start but it goes south in a hurry.

 

[squirrels]

You're a FWB to her right now.

She's been so beat up in past "relationships" that she doesn't want to endanger what you two have by slapping that label on what you're doing.

That's not saying that she actually DOES want to get into something committed with you...she could be completely comfortable where you are now. She could be doing this with 2 or 3 other guys, too.

I dunno what to tell you except to not worry about it. If it progresses to a relationship, then great. If it doesn't, then great.

If YOU need a committed relationship, you can try to steer her that way, but if you do, eventually you'll need to push her to a decision. And that usually ends up in you being "too controlling" and her cutting you off.

Are you dating other women? Usually, the best way to force a woman's hand is for her to find out you're dating other women. Then she'll realize she either has to sh!t or get off the pot. And if she doesn't, maybe one of the other ones will.

Love is really a numbers game for those of us not simple enough to be happy with any "somebody". You date as many as possible and hope to find one that you click with. If you don't...then at least you're getting tail.

 

[Interceptor]

Are you dating other women? Usually, the best way to force a woman's hand is for her to find out you're dating other women. Then she'll realize she either has to sh!t or get off the pot. And if she doesn't, maybe one of the other ones will.

:yes:

 

[Mr.Positive]

Mr. Positive............. This is a tough one. She's willing to hang with you and screw you yet she doesn't think you are in a relationship. It might be a defence mechanism from going that one step further and being vulnerable to her feelings towards you. It seems like you like her a lot and it might be time to open up and have a serious talk with her. If not, you'll just have to go with the flow and not put too much thought into it. Good Luck.

Thanks for the responses guys.

Romangod, we have had a couple of fairly serious talks. I've been sleeping with her for about 3 months, and about one month ago, she "emotionally imploded" so to speak.

She thought by having sex, that I wanted a relationship. She also said that she gives 100% to relationships and doesn't want that right now. I was able to calm this emotional outburst by explaining to her that I was just enjoyed the time I was spending with her...that I'm not putting any labels on anything, I just enjoy her for her.

Since then, her IL keeps growing. I've found that she's a giver, not a taker. She constantly goes out of her way to do things for me, yet it seems I have to be careful what I do for her, because she "doesn't want to date or have a relationship".

This is really why I'm shaking my head on this one.

Intercepter and squirrels, I have met and dated other women, just nothing of any sort of quality.

I'm definitely trying to keep my emotional investment in check. I'm just trying to enjoy the time I spend with her for what it is.

 

[romangod]

Thanks for the responses guys.

Romangod, we have had a couple of fairly serious talks. I've been sleeping with her for about 3 months, and about one month ago, she "emotionally imploded" so to speak.

She thought by having sex, that I wanted a relationship. She also said that she gives 100% to relationships and doesn't want that right now. I was able to calm this emotional outburst by explaining to her that I was just enjoyed the time I was spending with her...that I'm not putting any labels on anything, I just enjoy her for her.

Since then, her IL keeps growing. I've found that she's a giver, not a taker. She constantly goes out of her way to do things for me, yet it seems I have to be careful what I do for her, because she "doesn't want to date or have a relationship".

This is really why I'm shaking my head on this one.

I'm definitely trying to keep my emotional investment in check. I'm just trying to enjoy the time I spend with her for what it is.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing. The fact that she's a "giver" makes me like her already.


It seems she's going at a different speed than you and it is wise to let it take its natural course. I'm sure she sees the goodness and quality of you as many people here have. Patience............. Patience....... Patience........ Whichever turn it takes I'm sure you'll be the better man for it. Cheers!

 

[Gangster Of Love]

She thinks she's the only game in town. It sounds like she is, that is what you need to start working on. Spin more.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Patience............. Patience....... Patience........ Whichever turn it takes I'm sure you'll be the better man for it. Cheers!

Romangod, sincerely..thank you. You've been a huge help to me.

Patience is the answer for me here. I think patience sometimes can be the ultimate challenge to overcome.

Spinning plates is a lot of fun and all, however when you keep filtering women out who are not compatible, lack integrity, are selfish, etc...when you find a woman who you really 'click' with, it really tests you I think.

 

[speed dawg]

Because her IL is NOT very high. You've mistaken that somehow. You are her fvck buddy until someone better in her eyes comes along.

You can change that if her IL hasn't dipped too low. Keep fvcking her, but like others said, don't invest your emotions in her. NEVER act like her boyfriend, especially around others. If she flirts with another guy, LET HER DO IT.

Doesn't take a rocket scientist here to see that she KNOWS you like her and you aren't being enough of a challenge. Do what I just said, or enjoy the pvssy as long as it's there. Because if you don't, it will be gone as soon as some other really confident guy who doesn't give a fvck asks her out. Trust me.

 

[lookyoung]

This is a really tough one to call. I would say that her interest level is pretty high since she is in your bed 2-3 times a week. I am kind of surprised why she does not want a relationship however. Every woman wants a relationship. Maybe she was hurt badly in the past and does not want to go through that right now. (Maybe she is not over her X)

How old is she?
Is she still in school?
Has children?
Does she have any major responsibilties?

My best advice to you would be to keep banging her and keep your options open. Basically spin some more plates. Show her that you have plenty of options as this will increase attraction.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Because her IL is NOT very high. You've mistaken that somehow. You are her fvck buddy until someone better in her eyes comes along.

You can change that if her IL hasn't dipped too low. Keep fvcking her, but like others said, don't invest your emotions in her. NEVER act like her boyfriend, especially around others. If she flirts with another guy, LET HER DO IT.

This is what I've been doing so far for the most part, and what I'll keep doing. I'm just going to enjoy her, and the time I spend with her for what it is. I agree, some other guy could come along and she could 'upgrade'. However, that's not something I'm going to worry about.

I've been basing her IL on her actions, not words. For example, yesterday she took the day off of work to pick me up after I dropped my car off at the shop to get worked on...25 miles away. She then drove me back to pick it up 4 hours later.

She offered to do this, I didn't ask for it. It's her actions, to me, that matters.

 

[Metro3pilot]

Ok ..

1. You are sleeping together
2. she does things for you

sounds to me like you're dating , no matter what she says ..

does having a label on something make you feel more secure ?

you sound like you're insecure, trust me dude being official won't change that .....

nothing lasts forever, enjoy the ride instead of being worried about the destination.

 

[speed dawg]

Remember that you can't go strictly by anything said in here, because we don't know details, only what you tell us.

I have a buddy who's girlfriend was saying that sh1t even after they had been dating for 6 months. They are now getting married. Only you can really judge her IL. Just don't be clingy with her and you should be home free.