Without alcohol I don't smile, have no energy, and do not enjoy clubs.

[Mr.Fantastic]

Just wondering if anybody has successfully overcome this problem...

You see, up until recently, when I have gone out I have tended to indulge quite heavily in the sauce. As we all know, it is great for loosening up and getting into the party spirit etc. The thing is, when I am not drinking I am a little too aware of the reality of the world, and for the most part, for me, this reality stinks of ****.

Up until recently I thought that this was due entirely to me going to terrible clubs that play horrible dance/pop music at ear deafening volumes and talking to insufferable pretentious people. I thought that it would only be natural to want to be off your face for this kind of wet flannel.

But recently I have been to a few places that I usually quite enjoy, yet I have been dreadfully sober, I say dreadfully because I have not been in the mood to enjoy myself.

I find that it is extremely difficult for me to smile and be energetic and even want to talk to people when I go out. I tend to just retract into my own world - simply observing my surroundings, yet not participating in them. I feel as if all the energy is sucked out of me, along with my humour and ability to have conversations.

The thing is, I don't think I drink necessarily for dutch courage - more like 'dutch party spirit - with added assurance that you will smile and be able to hold a conversation', as opposed to the feeling that I'd rather just go to bed.

I find it very difficult to find things to say to people unless I am drinking. The thing is, this is not just when talking to women, it is when talking to anybody - except close friends. I have always been like this. I rarely have a wish to have a conversation with anybody unless I am drinking, although often, when I am conversing with people sober I find myself thinking along these lines to myself:

'god this is boring, I wish I had a few drinks in me, I am being such a reserved boring ****muncher! I wouldn't want to talk to me the way i'm behaving' and then I think 'but I know this isn't me, this is because i'm reserved for some reason and zapped of energy, I know i'm really a very likable guy, perhaps I'll have a few drinks - that'll drown out all this insecure ****!'

Thats when I often order a beer.

Well **** the beer, because it is not the friend it pretends to be.

(Apologies if this seems like rambling, but I'm trying to give a clear representation of the dilemma).

Anybody else feel like this? anybody know of any good ways to get more into the spirit of things?

 

[Warrior74]

I have a three drink minimum on going out. I usually stick to crown and coke or jack and coke. The first two go quick to get me in a party mood. The last one is for when I pull a chic and we have a conversation. Any more than that and I know I'll be sloppy in my game and my driving. I refuse to get a DUI. Just set yourself a limit.

If you can't limit yourself, then try this. When I was completely broke and would go out, I would treat it like a game, the game was, let's play with the drunk girls. I would say outlandish things, do something crazy or dare my friends to do crazy stuff. Just remember, you could die tomorrow, have fun tonight, beer or no beer!

If you find conversations with other people boring, you need to take an active interest in other people. You need to listen instead of waiting to talk and you need to really try to focus on what they are saying and find what's interesting about it. Remember, everyone knows something you don't know.

 

[Jaggs]

Just the way it is. I need alcohol or drugs to distract myself from the extreme lameness that surrounds us. Infact every social encounter I am intoxicated somehow I think. It's the only way to get in a manic state.

If I am not then I just stand there and analyze everything, sighing to myself.

Good luck trying to find an answer

 

[Jitterbug]

Most clubs are extremely loud & lame. Guys only go to get laid and girls to get attention. If it weren't for those, those clubs would be empty. Why else would anyone want to queue to get into a crowded place that you can't see or hear anyone clearly and pay exorbitant prices for ****ty drinks, and the music is barely comprehensible due to the loudness that it only beats on your eardrums? Plus people all have their guards up to the eyeballs.

Of course most people would need to drink to enjoy that. That's exactly why club owners turn the music up so loud and make people queue up - so everyone has to get a little drunk just to appear sane.

Up until recently I thought that this was due entirely to me going to terrible clubs that play horrible dance/pop music at ear deafening volumes and talking to insufferable pretentious people. I thought that it would only be natural to want to be off your face for this kind of wet flannel.

But recently I have been to a few places that I usually quite enjoy, yet I have been dreadfully sober, I say dreadfully because I have not been in the mood to enjoy myself.

The simple explanation is that you've been conditioned to drink before you can enjoy yourself when going out.

To fix it, do something that gives you a rush of energy kinda similar to drinking. I used to do some push-ups, before I knew how to dance, and now I simply make comments on anything I find interesting around the place or other people.

 

[BigWillyStyle]

Anybody else feel like this?

I can relate to everything in your post, Mr. Fantastic. That's when I thought I might have a problem, with drinking and with social skills. So like you, I said, "**** the beer". And indeed, I took a lengthy hiatus from the sauce. Unfortunately, with that, I also took a lengthy hiatus from society. My social life became virtually extinct. The friends I thought I had were actually nothing more than drinking buddies; we had nothing else in common other than the liquor. Consequently when I dried up, they disappeared.

"**** it," I thought. "I'll better myself, better my social skills, better my life, and make new friends," I further mused. Alas this was not entirely to be. Whilst I have managed to better myself in some areas (namely education), I still haven't bettered myself socially; I still, like you, have trouble talking to strangers. Therefore, I have trouble meeting new people and establishing true friendships. I get anxious, I become inhibited, I have trouble smiling, and so forth. Life just seems lacklustre at times.

To get over this I tried going to clubs and bars with aquaintances whilst sober, and like you I often just end up slinking into some corner, gazing at people having a blast while I'm counting down the hours till I get to go to home. I can't seem to just 'go with the flow', so to speak.

Enough about me. Evidently, alcohol is causing you some problems as you wrote, "**** the beer, because it is not the friend it pretends to be". Knowing that, you have two main options:
1. continue drinking; or
2. abstain or drastically cut back

In the long run, option 1 would only will only exacerbate your current problems. Right now alcohol is a crutch for you: things are too boring, conversation too difficult... have a drink. Keep going this way and it'll end up more than just a crutch; it'll end up as alcoholism.

Therefore option 2 is the way to go, albeit it is the harder option to initially implement. (But the long-term payoff makes up for it.) You write, "I have always been like this", so it's an inherent characteristic (I'm referring to your social issues here, not your drinking). Hence you can't expect to change soon. Keeping going out, but go out sober. Talk to people when your sober. Take an interest in people's lives. Get hobbies that your passionate about. This will give you the 'energy' that you wrote of. Moreover, you'll gain added self-confidence through achieving it sober. But remember: This won't happen overnight, you have to be persistent in your endeavours.

I know this advice sounds so trite and repetitive -- but it's true. There is no other way to get over these sorts of problems. (Yes, while I still do have these problems, I'm not giving up. I realise that my inherent characteristics will take a while to change.)

 

[TizZle]

I'm the same way and im sure there are plenty more guys out there like this.

 

[Accension]

You're so insecure man.
The alcohol gives you things you lack.
Of course you can't have fun if you need to fill in your little holes with liquid confidence.

I don't know what changed in me but suddenly it was ok to dance sober.
It was ok to sing shi> karaoke. Ask yourself why not sober.

You need to patch up those issues and soldier through creating new SOBER referance points proving you can have just as much fun.

 

[chrisgoodrich25]

You're so insecure man.
The alcohol gives you things you lack.
Of course you can't have fun if you need to fill in your little holes with liquid confidence.

I don't know what changed in me but suddenly it was ok to dance sober.
It was ok to sing shi> karaoke. Ask yourself why not sober.

You need to patch up those issues and soldier through creating new SOBER referance points proving you can have just as much fun.

I know someone who can fill your holes..she'll break out a strap on and her and her fiance will try to run a train on you....

 

[Voice]

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I feel the same way. I have a really hard time smiling, always get anxiety and normally don't enjoy myself in social situations. It's just really hard for me to get in a good mood. When I'm feeling good, I feel unstoppable yet I don't ever know when that's gonna be. Feels like I have no control over my emotions, sound familiar?

Alcohol will usually give me the boost to be the guy I want to be. I wish I could be that guy ALL the time.

 

[Joe Stud]

Who cares if you dont like the loud music, or bar scene. do you LIKE to go to work? NO. did our ancestors the cavemen LIKE to go out and hunt for food every day? NO. you do it out of necessity, or for the tradeoff value (ie... $$ at work, or food for the cavemen). So suck it up and go where the chicks are. I drink weak beer, and act a little buzzed.

regarding the smile: this is weird, but I have trained myself to smile when I see a HB7-10. Now... even when watching tv alone, I notice I smile when I see a good looking woman on tv. try that.

lastly, stop beating yourself up for petes sake. you are an alphamale DJ. suck it up, and be confident. always be well groomed, dress & smell good... it gives you added confidence.

It's all just a state of mind

 

[muscleman]

Nothing wrong with some alcohol when you go out to a place where alcohol is "expected", aka bar or club. It does help you loosen up a little, but I think your issue isn't with alcohol - it's with yourself.

Two things jump out at me:

1) You say reality stinks. More accurately, YOUR reality stinks. I challenge you to go sit in a quiet room with no distractions for 20 minutes and think about your life - where it is now, where it's headed, and if the direction is the one you want.

2) The last paragraph where you're mindfvcking yourself over being boring and what not. That's a self-esteem issue. No amount of alcohol will patch that. You need to find some activity that is both healthy and will boost your self esteem. It can be something physical (working out, playing some sport, whatever) or mental (better job, some kind of challenging hobby, etc).

 

[Nutz]

Hit a strip club before you go out to the bars/clubs. And limit yourself to a 2 drink max when going out at night. Last thing you want is to pull and end up with whiskey d!ck and not get it up.

The strip club thing is something I discovered last month on a business trip. We went to the clubs after and OMFG what a difference it made in my aloofness, kino, dominance, etc. Everything was so much... better. It just brings otu the raw masculinity in guys when they have snatch and boobs waving in their face like that. Plus you're so used to these naked chicks crawling all over you that the hotties in the club pale by comparison so you don't get in your head thinking how hot they are.