Winning her back

[tthirteenthstep]

Hi guys, new here. Read the book of pook and whatnot. I want to win my ex back. Here's some context

-Was in a relationship with the cutest chick I knew
-Butterflies, incredible sex
-Had to leave college over summer so it became a long-distance relationship
-Butterflies gone
-Go through a month's or so depression because of stress about academic life/exams/job
-See her once or twice within that month, mentally drained so make little effort to talk to her and whatnot. She loses interest,seems bored
-Confronts me, tells me 'she doesn't have fun any more, and we don't talk any more'
-Suggests break, I take this to mean break up. And so we do

2 months later, now.
-We're friends, it's still slightly awkward
-Find myself still very much attracted to her
-Given the illusion i've moved on, new clothes and so on, try to seem happy (even if i'm not) in front of her.

Basically. I want to win her back. I've got a 'plan' or so to speak but i'm not sure if i'm going the right way about it. I'd really appreciate your advice on this guys!

EDIT: Taking advice from the mighty pook, I had an idea of hanging out with her on 1 or two dates just as friends. Pool for the first date, and bowling for the next. Good idea or not? Thought it would give me a chance to kino. Anyway she used to love getting stoned with me, so i figured if i find out she still has feelings for me/is still attracted, on the 3rd date or so we'd smoke up, i'd blindfold her, give her earphones (with a song that was pretty close to her), and like I used to before I'd spoonfeed her ice cream (she used to love this), and then kiss her.

 

[QuadDeuces]

When you are still "not sure" how to act and fake youve moved on you will lose. She knows you like the inside of her pocket and will give you cold shyttests and watches you break. She will see through your new mask and see that you are still the same anxious and needy guy underneath. This will demolish your ego and self esteem again.
The best way is just to move on go NC and go out and meet up lots of people and especially women. After a while when you feel you've moved on you can try a catch up dinner or something, but by that time your mind should be with another girl.
Getting back to an ex while still needy means youre going to exit your own frame and "sell yourself" to be in hers.
A recipe for disaster and pain.

 

[tthirteenthstep]

When you are still "not sure" how to act you will lose. She will see through your new mask and see that you are still the same anxious and needy guy underneath. This will demolish your ego and self esteem again.
The best way is just to move on go NC and go out and meet up lots of people and especially women. After a while when you feel you've moved on you can try a catch up dinner or something, but by that time your mind should be with another girl.
Getting back to an ex while still needy means youre going to exit your own frame and "sell yourself" to be in hers.
A recipe for disaster and pain.

I admit, my post does show insecurity but I have thought this out through. I will take more conviction with it though.

Actually i'm her first boyfriend, she's still quite inexperienced. She always did perceive us as a bad boy/good girl couple.And in all honesty I only turned into that needy guy for the last month of our relationship. When we broke up, as much as i didn't like it, I told her whether she breaks up with me or not I will be happy either way. So just to clear up, I tried my best not to be the guy holding on, experience shows me that, that's always asking to get hurt.

I'm working on meeting new women, but honestly maybe i'm still infatuated but i feel disinterested in them, doesn't stop me from flirting with them though. I barely keep in contact with her, tell her i'm occupied with my life and such

But thats a great post, so thanks man. I do feel like I have moved on, so that's why i'm working on building up that spark between us again

 

[Iceberg]

Hi guys, new here. Read the book of pook and whatnot. I want to win my ex back. Here's some context

-Was in a relationship with the cutest chick I knew
-Butterflies, incredible sex
-Had to leave college over summer so it became a long-distance relationship
-Butterflies gone
-Go through a month's or so depression because of stress about academic life/exams/job
-See her once or twice within that month, mentally drained so make little effort to talk to her and whatnot. She loses interest,seems bored
-Confronts me, tells me 'she doesn't have fun any more, and we don't talk any more'
-Suggests break, I take this to mean break up. And so we do

When a woman suggests a "break" then it's over. It's funny...you almost have a better chance of re-starting a relationship after your girl has caught you cheating rather than a situation like yours where the girl slowly lost interest in you.

And make no mistake. That's what it is. She lost interest. And really, that's normal....nothing lasts forever. People grow apart. She wants to experience new dudes. Such is life.

Basically. I want to win her back. I've got a 'plan' or so to speak but i'm not sure if i'm going the right way about it. I'd really appreciate your advice on this guys!

When you view it as "winning her back" then you're already starting from a losing position. It's just a girl.

EDIT: Taking advice from the mighty pook, I had an idea of hanging out with her on 1 or two dates just as friends. Pool for the first date, and bowling for the next. Good idea or not? Thought it would give me a chance to kino. Anyway she used to love getting stoned with me, so i figured if i find out she still has feelings for me/is still attracted, on the 3rd date or so we'd smoke up, i'd blindfold her, give her earphones (with a song that was pretty close to her), and like I used to before I'd spoonfeed her ice cream (she used to love this), and then kiss her.

Whoa dude. This is dating...not the invasion of Iraq. There's no need for a 3-pronged strategy of attack. And the reality is, either a woman wants you or she doesn't. You can plan and strategize all you want, but if her interest isn't there, then it means nothing.

If you're trying to test her interest, it can be as simple as having a few drinks and going for a kiss. There's no need for pool, bowling, weed, ice cream...blah blah blah. Come on...

Actually i'm her first boyfriend, she's still quite inexperienced.

All the more reason to move on past this breakup. She wants to try someone new. You weren't expecting marriage, were you?

But thats a great post, so thanks man. I do feel like I have moved on, so that's why i'm working on building up that spark between us again

Hey, do what you want. But once a woman breaks up with you, that means the spark is gone. The only thing that can POSSIBLY bring it back is going no contact, improving yourself, meeting some new women, and giving her some time to miss you. But that's not happening if you're still hanging out with her as "friends" and thinking about getting her back all damn day.

 

[eddiedelgado]

My approach will like this:
As much as you need time to reflect on the relationship, so does she. You may believe that not communicating with her is only increasing your risk of losing her for good, but this goes along with the desperation rule. If you try talking to her too soon, or talking to her too often, you are only appearing as clingy and needy. This will push her further away. When looking to win your girlfriend back, you must keep in mind that a woman’s emotions stay with them a very long time. Even though she left you, chances are she still loves you. The longer you go without contacting her, the more she will miss you.

 

[PeakIV]

My approach will like this:
As much as you need time to reflect on the relationship, so does she. You may believe that not communicating with her is only increasing your risk of losing her for good, but this goes along with the desperation rule. If you try talking to her too soon, or talking to her too often, you are only appearing as clingy and needy. This will push her further away. When looking to win your girlfriend back, you must keep in mind that a woman’s emotions stay with them a very long time. Even though she left you, chances are she still loves you. The longer you go without contacting her, the more she will miss you.

Unless she has the ability to disassociate - some girls do, then wether you were together 2 months or 20 years , you now mean nothing....

 

[QuadDeuces]

Dont keep your hopes up man.
Women are evil critters.

Because Im traveling I sleep in dorm rooms with ever changing people.
In my room was a true DJ who slept with 3 different girls in one week.

I overheard the pillow talk of one of the girls giggling about the clingy ex-bf and how he still calls and texts her the pathetic loser. 10 mins later he fuked her senseless only to kick her out 2 hrs later.

Even my most recent ex, although Im torn inside I keep an Iron frame, because I know how she laughs about her orbiting ex bfs, stalking her FB. The only exes she respects are the cheaters and the player exes. The nice needy desperate ex-guys get shat upon.

Never orbit an ex, no love letters, no I miss you texts. Bang as much chicks as possible.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

I know what u should do to "win" her back... but, if I tell you, I fear you probalbly won't do it, and my typed out words here will be wasted. However, I've done it with a few exes and have been able to successfully hook back up with girls i previously dated. So, if you're willing to try it, let me know and I'll post it up on here...

 

[muscleman]

There's only 1 solution: move on.

If she's interested/jealous/whatever, she'll come back and you'll have the opportunity to play on your terms (if you really want to that is).

If she's not, nothing you do will change her mind anyway.

Save yourself some time and don't bother. Read stuff here instead of hanging on her and start talking to other girls if you haven't already.

 

[sighsigh]

Listen to Iceberg's post.

OP, you are suffering from a textbook case of oneitis. The cure is to go after other women. (Although, unfortunately, my experience has been that the other women you go after have to be of at least the same or higher attractiveness than your oneitis for your condition to be cured).

 

[SamTheHobit]

Listen to Iceberg's post.

OP, you are suffering from a textbook case of oneitis. The cure is to go after other women. (Although, unfortunately, my experience has been that the other women you go after have to be of at least the same or higher attractiveness than your oneitis for your condition to be cured).

QFT

 

[BeDJ]

Hey Harry, why now post it anyways. Someone will benefit

Harry didn't have to post anything.

1) He made a scintillating comment
2) He went ghost on us
3) We want him back

 

[Atom Smasher]

Iceberg nailed it. Especially the part about you're phrase "winning her back".

These relationships where you don't know where you stand are torturous. You find yourself tip-toing around a minefield.

When a man finds himself in such a situation he must act decisively. Either sieze the girl by making your intentions known (by just taking what you want with no apology) and risk rejection, or else close up shop and move on.

Anything is better than tip-toeing around. A man decides, makes his move, and lives with his outcomes.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

LoL, sorry for the delay in response - I'm visiting my Mom where hurricanes are happening and have been helping her prepare. Life's not all about girls, ya know!

Anyway... have you guys seen the movie "Swingers?" I just saw it for the first time last week, and it was quite the eye-opener. In short: the movie is about a guy who breaks up with his girlfriend before moving to Cali to be a writer (I think it's a writer... something involving entertainment).

His girl didn't want to go with him to Cali, so they broke up. However, he still wanted to be with her, and would call her every day leaving messages for her... but she wouldn't call him back.

He wants to win her back, and one of his friends told him what I'm about to tell you. Actually, scratch that: what you need to do is pretty much what Iceberg said (so as to give credit in case some of what I say sounds similar), but here it is:

1. Stop contacting her.

The phone works both ways, my friend. If she wanted to see you, she would reach out to YOU to go on a date. If she's not, it means she's not interested in you.

2. Start talking to other women

Best way to do this: sign up for POF or OK Cupid and start contacting women just to talk to them. Not to ask them out, but just to get into the habit of talking to other girls again. Plus, it will help you to build your ego back up - instead of going after a girl who doesn't want to be with you, you may end up talking to one or two who actually have a REAL interest in what you have to offer.

3. Stop talking ABOUT her

Yes, not only do you need to stop talking TO her, but you need to stop mentioning her. Chances are, your friends are starting to get annoyed at you for bringing her up all the time. You need to remove her from your vocabularly altogether - not doing so only makes you have to keep thinking about her.

4. Start hitting on/seeing other women

Face it, dude: there's a 98% chance she ain't coming back. She's moving on, and so should you - no sense in focusing your energies on someone who's not trying to pursue you, right? So, start going out and meeting women. Join some clubs or activity groups where you'll be forced to interact with and/or touch women (like dancing). Practice being the charming, witty guy you were before you met this chick.

5. Move on... no, really, move on

Like the guy in the movie said, you have to get to a point where you really DON'T think about her so much, and where you really DON'T feel inclined to have to want her in your life as much as you do now.

The irony of ironies is, once you really HAVE moved on, is the point at which she'll magically try to appear in your life again. I've had it happen 3 times, and each time it's been the same: I'm hurting, I'm wanting them back, I stop contacting them, I focus on other things, I start getting new numbers, I'm going out on dates regularly again with different girls...

...and then, one day, I get that phone call, and it's the girl I was previously pining over, asking me what I'm doing and if I'd like to go out.

See, when you're doing what you're doing now, you're displaying all the things girls hate about guys: you're being clingy, needy, asking for approval, and being a HUGE AFC. Once you back off, though, and you're not contacting her, those thoughts she had about you start to backpeddle: "maybe he's NOT so clingly, maybe he's NOT such an AFC... maybe, just maybe, he's the fun guy he was when I first met him..."

And, it's at this point where she'll want to reach out and possibly take you back.

HOWEVER - and here's the catch...

Most guys f--k the second chance up because, once they get the girl back, they start doing the AFC things all over again that made her lose interest in the first place. So, on the off-chance that she DOES take you back, you have to NOT fall back into bad patterns.

In your particular case, this would mean:

1. If you get all depressed again, you can NOT bring it up to her.
2. You can't be boring around her. This means whatever you were doing that gave her the impression you were boring, or was making her bored, needs to not be done in her presence. You also shouldn't be trying to see her when you're "mentally drained" - she may take your actions as signs that she's the one making you act all tired and "boring" when you're really just needing to recharge your batteries (which you should do when you're NOT around her)
3. You have to stop thinking that no butterflies = no interest. In a REAL relationship, those butterflies aren't always going to be there, nor should they be. All that means is you're no longer nervous around her.
4. However, if you DO feel yourself starting to lose interest, you can't let the nostalgia of how you USED to feel about her make you think you still want her when you really don't. It's not fair to her.

Lastly, your "hang out" plan? Eh, you don't need to do all that. Take her dancing at a club to see if she wants to grind up on you; buy her a couple of drinks to loosen her up; take her back to your place and see if she'll come up; then kiss her and see how far you can go. It's really that simple.

Hope this helped!

 

[Trump]

-Was in a relationship with the cutest chick I knew
-Butterflies, incredible sex
-Had to leave college over summer so it became a long-distance relationship
-Go through a month's or so depression
She loses interest,seems bored
-Suggests break, I take this to mean break up. And so we do
-We're friends, it's still slightly awkward
-Find myself still very much attracted to her
- I want to win her back.

Never understand guys who still want to spend time, money and have sex with a girl who couldn't care if he was dead or alive. "I'll keep him around, he's good for my ego and is someone to take my mind off the bartender I really want to have sex with." Wouldn't you rather focus on a girl who likes you and wants to have sex with you?

If this girl didn't give sex or money to you during those 2 months, she doesn't care about you.

 

[LittleBigOne]

A Belgian man told me once:

´You have one change with one particular woman once in your life´

When it´s done, it´s done.
I think he was right, move one.

 

[Three]

Follow Harry's and Iceberg's (and muscleman's, etc) advice and move on. Forget about this girl as hard as it may be. If she does contact you some day, make sure that you have options then and are not stuck in this scarcity mentality. Because that's what it is: Right now you are missing the forest for this one little tree...

 

[SamTheHobit]

It's not really that hard to get an ex back.. But truth be told you better believe it's not worth it.