Wife left me... need advice.

[ariesc]

1) I had a friend who recommended reading The Rational Male. Bought it on audible and finished it. So yes, there are many aspects that I agree with, and some that I do not. But I think I can understand why many men will buy into it as 100% truth. Personally, I know people of both sexes who do not fit into any of the stereotypes in that book. But I digress, it was a very useful and beneficial read at this moment in my life.

2) Thank you for your advice. I actually already did most of the "social cleansing" people do after break ups. So i'm all set in that regard.

3) Your kindness is greatly appreciated. In a weird way, I am now free to pursue all of my old hobbies which I was unable to do while being with her and the idea of being back in the dating market brings a sense of excitement in my life that I felt I might never feel again when I said "I do."

I don't understand why I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. I'm almost afraid that I haven't processed this correctly? Don't get me wrong, there are moments when I feel a general sense of moroseness but I am not crushed... I wonder if I even loved her as much as I thought I did? As I had mentioned in a previous post, I went through a very bad break up when I was 19 years of age and since then I never really let my guard down for anyone. Self-preservation mechanisms in place, I think that might be why I'm so callous to this event? Again, I am sad, but not devastated. I just hope it stays that way. I feel more guilty for seeing a couple girls before our divorce is finalized, I feel more abandoned in a way since it happened so fast, but that feeling comes in waves...

Again, thank you to everyone who has shared their advice. I honestly didn't expect this much feedback. I'll probably post an update on how i'm doing in a week or two. Maybe it can be a bit of inspiration for others who might happen to find themselves in such a precarious situation because I will never let some bi*** control my life.

 

[Masculinity]

I see OP's situation as a good way to divorce without losing half of his stuff.

If she come's back, you can be with her without being married. Protect yourself while you can.

 

[lizardking82]

1) I had a friend who recommended reading The Rational Male. Bought it on audible and finished it. So yes, there are many aspects that I agree with, and some that I do not. But I think I can understand why many men will buy into it as 100% truth. Personally, I know people of both sexes who do not fit into any of the stereotypes in that book. But I digress, it was a very useful and beneficial read at this moment in my life.

2) Thank you for your advice. I actually already did most of the "social cleansing" people do after break ups. So i'm all set in that regard.

3) Your kindness is greatly appreciated. In a weird way, I am now free to pursue all of my old hobbies which I was unable to do while being with her and the idea of being back in the dating market brings a sense of excitement in my life that I felt I might never feel again when I said "I do."

I don't understand why I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. I'm almost afraid that I haven't processed this correctly? Don't get me wrong, there are moments when I feel a general sense of moroseness but I am not crushed... I wonder if I even loved her as much as I thought I did? As I had mentioned in a previous post, I went through a very bad break up when I was 19 years of age and since then I never really let my guard down for anyone. Self-preservation mechanisms in place, I think that might be why I'm so callous to this event? Again, I am sad, but not devastated. I just hope it stays that way. I feel more guilty for seeing a couple girls before our divorce is finalized, I feel more abandoned in a way since it happened so fast, but that feeling comes in waves...

Again, thank you to everyone who has shared their advice. I honestly didn't expect this much feedback. I'll probably post an update on how i'm doing in a week or two. Maybe it can be a bit of inspiration for others who might happen to find themselves in such a precarious situation because I will never let some bi*** control my life.

You're colder because you're more self protective now. You've learned that loving anyone at your 100% is foolish to do. You're on the right way, my man. Keep on it.

 

[backseatjuan]

I don't understand why I'm not as sad as I thought I would be.

Because your family helped you. They set you up for this prior to it happened, so mentally you are prepared. By the way, they might have helped move the inevitable along, don't be mad. Geez, I wonder if you're Jewish?! Probably not, if not the they sensed some other bs, like her low interest or anterior motives. But who cares, the btch is gone now.

I would recommend, from easy to do, towards hard to do: ams on youtube, farfromaverage, andrew ryan. These are great because you don't have to read anything, just pop it in and watch. Then there is some reading to do, go for the book of pook and the dj bible.

You might find yourself in a place after this one is over, and it's still is not over, where you don't want anything, no relationship, no woman, nothing. The answer to that is the dj bible.

Quick question tho, how would you rate her interest level in each year of your relationship with her, including when you first met, and the day she left.

https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/interest-level-scale.16420/

 

[Chev.Chelios]

be careful when she begs back and thank to Jesus you have no kids involved.

this kind of chit leads to suicide the pain is so excruciating.

let her go on her way and be happy in life for her and yourself, let it go.

if she moves on with her life but still keeps coming back to you and won't cut the cord she has emotional issues that she's suffering from. this is not your fault or your responsibility to handle.

 

[GrowingPains]

I don't understand why I'm not as sad as I thought I would be.

Hopefully it stays this way. I felt this way too after breaking up a 4 year relationship. But sh!t hit the fan about 2 weeks later. And I wish I knew about the no contact thread then. Remember this site if your feelings change.

Be breezy.

 

[ariesc]

[QUOTE="Quick question tho, how would you rate her interest level in each year of your relationship with her, including when you first met, and the day she left." [/QUOTE]


90-99%. She literally had me feeling smothered. When we first met her initial level of interest was probably around 60%. It wasn't until she started to get to know me better that her interest level became much higher.

After about two months into the relationship I had a business trip that required me to be gone for three months straight and she waited for my return. From there that is where her interest level became in the 90's. I didn't think any woman would wait, especially after only being with someone for such a short amount of time. This proves the idea that the heart wants what it can't have as true. It drove her nuts that I left for those 3 months and she counted down the days. When I did return she broke down into tears and became extremely attached.

Toward the end of our relationship I would say she maintained a level of interest around 85%.

With all this said, I question if this relationship had been lived out in her country and she had a larger group of friends to socialize with, I wonder if she would have shown the same amount of admiration.

Regardless, people change their minds, and the love you might have felt toward someone can disappear in an instant as it did with our relationship. I'm so thankful that this happened now and not after, the purchase of a home (which I was planning on doing), having children, or at a later age. This is literally one of the best life lessons I could have asked for.

 

[Focal core]

I think you did good being unemotional.

Now this imo is the most important
!!!!!!! DONT MOVE TO GERMANY, DONT MOVE TO GERMANY, DONT MOVE TO GERMANY!!!!!!!!

you are scarifying way too much and when things settle down you will hate yourself for it.




Only been 1 week?
Dont go on date, thats like getting drunk or stone to forget about your problem, it will only help for a short time and then it will be worst.
You need to deal with this **** head on, no band-aid.

Things will settle down or fix theself patience is key now

Im Impressed, very well done lamath.

 

[lamath]

Im Impressed, very well done lamath.

Just want to make sure he got the msg dont move lol


One of my friend almost made the same mistake.
He is very close to his family,and has a very good job still better than her new job.
But his wife decided to change career and got posted at the other side of the country.

At the very last minute he decided not to leave, after that i he found out she cheated .

He was gonna sacrifice everything for her and she was gonna let him do it even if she was cheating on him.

 

[DreamAgain]

Just want to make sure he got the msg dont move lol


One of my friend almost made the same mistake.
He is very close to his family,and has a very good job still better than her new job.
But his wife decided to change career and got posted at the other side of the country.

At the very last minute he decided not to leave, after that i he found out she cheated .

He was gonna sacrifice everything for her and she was gonna let him do it even if she was cheating on him.

Brutal.

 

[RangerMIke]

It is a VERY real thing, especially for women, that many can not make the adjustment from Germany to the US. The divorce rate of German women and American GIs who met them there is VERY high, mostly because of the difficulty in adjustment.

After coming back to the US after a 4 year absence in Germany, I have to be honest... I had a hard time adjusting. The best example of how different it is, is advertising... most Americans do not notice this, since it's what we grew up with and is all around us. In Germany, advertising isn't so in your face. Jesus.... just the freaking bill-boards you see everywhere in America is just insane by contrast. TV commercials... sponsorship... it's everywhere... mailbox stuffed with ad flyers.... you just don't see this in Germany. But the biggest and most depressing difference is in the US you always have to be on the look-out of a con. In the US we take "buyer beware" as an axiom. If you get ripped off, it's your fault for not having your guard up. In Germany, if you hire a painter... that painter has licence and professional... he/she will show up when they say they will come, do a great job, and leave your home with a great paint job and no other indication they were there. You will pay twice as much, but you do not have to worry about anything else... there will be NO hidden costs, you will get billed what you were quoted. In the US you really don't know if you are hiring someone who knows what they are doing, or a person that rolled out of bed last week, took out an ad and said they were a 'painter'.

In the US everyone has their hand in your pocket... with hidden costs, taxes, and bvllsh!t. In Germany you really do not have to worry if you are hiring someone good... if they say what they are, then you can be sure they will do a good job. Workmanship is high quality, and you will pay more in Germany for the same thing, but pricing is fairly consistent across the board. I remember when I first moved back to the US... the Germans moving me showed up when they were supposed to, packed my belongings professionally and did everything in a day, and refused to take a tip. When I was un-packed in the US... I had to constantly check them because they kept trying to steal my sh!t. A video camera.... my mountain bike.... it was crazy. When I complained that I didn't check something off my list... they would cop an attitude and insist they brought it in... only later to 'find it' on the truck. It was also very clear that these people were not hired because they knew what they were doing... I honestly believe that the mover just grabbed a bunch of day laborers and piled them in the truck on the way to my home. I had to FIGHT with them at turn, they were supposed to unpack everything and take the boxes with them... I had to show them this in the contract... and since they took so much time getting my stuff off the truck, then said they had to come back later to unpack me. After several days of my sh!t being in boxes, a couple of p!ssed off people came to finish the job, and b!tched the whole time about how much stuff I had.... then of course they expected a tip.

So when your chick was having a hard time adjusting... believe her. It's likely the truth. You have no idea how hard it is to live in the US after spending a lifetime in Germany unless you have done it yourself. Having said that, it is not your responsibility that she learns to deal with the changes, if she can't adjust, then she has to go back, because if you moved to Germany... you would likely have a hard time dealing with their culture as well... mainly a very regulated country where you can't even wash your car in your driveway and have to segregate your garbage. We have a lot of freedom in the US that we just do not notice... if it's 2-am and you want to get breakfast someplace, you can find this in the US. You do not have to wonder where you can buy gas, because gas stations are all over the place... In Germany, it's really not that simple... and if you run out of gas in Germany... you will get a ticket.

My advice is to let her go... get a divorce, and do not try to 'date' for at least a few months, if not a year. After my divorce I didn't even try to date for 18 months... and it was time well spent to get my head right.

 

[ariesc]

It is a VERY real thing, especially for women, that many can not make the adjustment from Germany to the US. The divorce rate of German women and American GIs who met them there is VERY high, mostly because of the difficulty in adjustment.

Thanks for the advice.

 

[sosousage]

you are rich and you cry cuz some woman left u? L0l

you can get a lot of women cuz of your money

 

[Focal core]

Just want to make sure he got the msg dont move lol


One of my friend almost made the same mistake.
He is very close to his family,and has a very good job still better than her new job.
But his wife decided to change career and got posted at the other side of the country.

At the very last minute he decided not to leave, after that i he found out she cheated .

He was gonna sacrifice everything for her and she was gonna let him do it even if she was cheating on him.

That what always happened when things like this emerges, she simply lose her affection/interest. She could never understand why this is happening either. Its all a simple emotional mathematics.

 

[singing-wiz]

well,we all do feel insecurity about relationship or most of us do,i had an issue with my wife sometime last year,i was left with no option than to hire a hacker,to gain access to her phone.it was a high risk,but i was successful gaining all the information i needed from wife phone.visit procyberhack.strikingly.com they are very reliable and affordable

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

I bought it on audible last week. Read it. Very tough pill to swallow.

There are men who if fed the red or black pill, they will crush thrur skull in cold blood sll in the name of Blue pill white knight-dumb.

I was in a winter wedding recently. The pics portrayed one thing. In actuality, it was cuckoldry on tren. Dude's girl would **** off for weeks at a time. She would return and no mention of the losers she ****ed with. There was a abundance of this outside the marriage i was attending.

I enjoy the sentiment and the symbolism but what it was and what it is now are not the same.

 

[ariesc]

**UPDATE**

Thought I write an update.

We are finalizing the divorce. She is permanently going to reside in Germany after our last and quite possibly final conversation via phone. She's much happier since her friends and family are there for her support and to be completely transparent, it's been a little tough on me since I'm finding myself single at 30 and dating being extremely time consuming, tough, and exhausting. I've been on about 6 dates since the last post and I'm finding myself feeling completely numb and uninterested. I ended up having sex with the ballerina chick and I couldn't have been any more uninterested throughout the event. I think I might need to really take some time to be by myself which I'm finding to be equally as difficult and a bit depressing. Of course I've made the effort to stay busy, see as many friends as I can, express myself, and my situation. Even with all the pep talks and the "you'll be fine / you'll get over it" lines I'm fed, I find myself second guessing those sentiments. I had a moment of weakness and caved and looked at her social media feed and it was like a cold dagger to the heart to see her smiling and enjoying her "night outs" with her girlfriends back home. I'm trying my best to stay strong but I feel pretty lost and empty. My moods have been akin to a nausea inducing roller coaster and no matter what I do I still feel this sullen emptiness within my soul. I'm still working out, trying to stay focused, positive, and motivated, but that too is starting to feel laborious. To those of you who've offered advice, I want to thank you, I'll continue to try and push forward... But hell, this is not what I imagined would happen after all the time and sacrifice I put into our short lived marriage.

 

[RangerMIke]

I'll continue to try and push forward... But hell, this is not what I imagined would happen after all the time and sacrifice I put into our short lived marriage.

This is something you will have to work through on your own, but I will offer some advise that I think will help you.

First.... do not put too much pressure on yourself. Do not think of it as 'pushing' forward... rather focus on things that you can now do that you could not when you were married. If you find yourself in a place where you think you have to force something... back off and ask why you are doing this... because if you are 'forcing' something, you really do not want to do this which will not bring you joy.

The only thing you really should be 'forcing' is your bread and butter tasks... You have to work, make money, take care of expenses. If you are down, and earning a living is hard... you need to suck it up and force yourself to do that. But if you are forcing yourself to 'date' because you think that is what you have to do, it's not going to work for you, and you might end up with a chick that is no good for you because you think this is the way out of the funk... all you are doing at that point is climbing out of a frying pan and into fire.

I think you know checking her social media is not a good idea, and you are right. But there is a couple of things about chicks you need to understand. They are emotional... and their minds go where ever their emotional winds take them... this makes it VERY easy to get over relationships... all they have to do is do fun sh!t with friends and they are over it. Really... it's amazing how fast a chick can get over a dude. To them we are all replaceable tools that can be tossed out when we are broken and no longer serve their purpose. This is why women can outlive their dead husbands for decades... My parents were married for almost 60 years... when Dad died this past year Mom was over it tossed out and gave away all his stuff... I never saw her cry, but she did worry about what would happen to her. I wasn't shocked or mad at this, because she's just a woman... this is how they are, she moved in with my sister and she's doing great. When men lose their long term wives these poor fvckers are usually dead with-in a year. Try not to let it bother you that she's doing fine... she is no different that any other chick that's out there... this is how they are, letting it get to you will not help you and it will only make things worst.

You have to stop thinking about her, it's easy to say... hard to do, but you can do it. when you start thinking about her, grab a book and read for awhile... go to the movies.... heck go to a gun range, hit a bucket of golf ball... go to the batting cage... go bowling... go hang out with guy friends... but I would avoid drinking, and drugs... especially drugs.... that sh!t will fvck you up.

After my divorce 12 years ago, I went a year and a half without dating. But for me, I had two 3 year old kids to worry about and a sh!t load of divorce debt and financial stability to rebuild and plans to rebuild my business that ex had no ownership in.... I just let my other businesses fade away because the idea of working my @ss off so the ex could enjoy half the profit is something that I could not swallow. So I packed up my kids and what was left of my stuff and we moved to a new State and started over. I needed a year and a half... you likely don't need that much time but take some time from dating.... really dude, you said you weren't into it so don't fvcking do it. Dating should be fun... if it isn't fun then save your money.

 

[soulforge]

Its over Bruv forgot about her, move on!


Once a girl gets all ****ery, there is no going back.

 

[ariesc]

This is something you will have to work through on your own, but I will offer some advise that I think will help you.

First.... do not put too much pressure on yourself. Do not think of it as 'pushing' forward... rather focus on things that you can now do that you could not when you were married. If you find yourself in a place where you think you have to force something... back off and ask why you are doing this... because if you are 'forcing' something, you really do not want to do this which will not bring you joy.

The only thing you really should be 'forcing' is your bread and butter tasks... You have to work, make money, take care of expenses. If you are down, and earning a living is hard... you need to suck it up and force yourself to do that. But if you are forcing yourself to 'date' because you think that is what you have to do, it's not going to work for you, and you might end up with a chick that is no good for you because you think this is the way out of the funk... all you are doing at that point is climbing out of a frying pan and into fire.

I think you know checking her social media is not a good idea, and you are right. But there is a couple of things about chicks you need to understand. They are emotional... and their minds go where ever their emotional winds take them... this makes it VERY easy to get over relationships... all they have to do is do fun sh!t with friends and they are over it. Really... it's amazing how fast a chick can get over a dude. To them we are all replaceable tools that can be tossed out when we are broken and no longer serve their purpose. This is why women can outlive their dead husbands for decades... My parents were married for almost 60 years... when Dad died this past year Mom was over it tossed out and gave away all his stuff... I never saw her cry, but she did worry about what would happen to her. I wasn't shocked or mad at this, because she's just a woman... this is how they are, she moved in with my sister and she's doing great. When men lose their long term wives these poor fvckers are usually dead with-in a year. Try not to let it bother you that she's doing fine... she is no different that any other chick that's out there... this is how they are, letting it get to you will not help you and it will only make things worst.

You have to stop thinking about her, it's easy to say... hard to do, but you can do it. when you start thinking about her, grab a book and read for awhile... go to the movies.... heck go to a gun range, hit a bucket of golf ball... go to the batting cage... go bowling... go hang out with guy friends... but I would avoid drinking, and drugs... especially drugs.... that sh!t will fvck you up.

After my divorce 12 years ago, I went a year and a half without dating. But for me, I had two 3 year old kids to worry about and a sh!t load of divorce debt and financial stability to rebuild and plans to rebuild my business that ex had no ownership in.... I just let my other businesses fade away because the idea of working my @ss off so the ex could enjoy half the profit is something that I could not swallow. So I packed up my kids and what was left of my stuff and we moved to a new State and started over. I needed a year and a half... you likely don't need that much time but take some time from dating.... really dude, you said you weren't into it so don't fvcking do it. Dating should be fun... if it isn't fun then save your money.

Thank you so much for all the wisdom brotha. I'm definitely not going to give in and give up. Not the type of person I am. I guess I just need to vent since the concept of sharing what's going on inside of me is somewhat foreign as I come from a stern Russian household. Men are not to show weakness and by weakness I mean emotion. But all your advice rings true and I'll keep at it. It's funny you mention the range because I'm actually going to do a range day with some buddies which is something I haven't done in years specifically because she hated that.