Wife, GF or SO going out "dancing"?

[puma183]

If the husband can come, then heck you can go too. Double date. ;-)

 

[jophil28]

Ask why your GF or wife start playing the field..what does she miss in her life?

I see that this pop psych crap has trickled down into the Latina mindset too.

This is the nonsense that preaches that she is merely going outside the relationship to have her " needs met " as if cheating were the same as her going to the grocery store for some cornfalkes because she was running low at home.

IF you believe that if you are "man" enough, "DJ" enough and ALpha enough she will not cheat, then you are in for a rude shock down the road.
Geez guys ,get over yourself. You are just not that powerful ultimately.

Women cheat because they are NOT honorable women . They lack character, All the Alpha posturing and huffing and puffing will not repair a women's character defects. You may keep her in check for a few months but eventually her poor sense of morals and ethics will shape her behavior.
THe trick is to choose wisely in the first place and THEN be clear about what is acceptable behavior to you, as Guru suggests .

Even setting clear and firm boundaries will only be effective with a woman of high character. A low quality woman will not respect your rules, even though she may agree to them initially.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Rounder,
Yes perhaps she is restless,I feel for your anguish.....check her out at a Social venue,are her eyes constantly wondering around,is it difficult to maintain a good conversation without her being distracted?all giveaways....fortunately most women are loyal but unfortunately those that stray rarely do it just the once.....I dance at least five times a week,all sorts,it is not unusual to find married women joining in the fun.....Although,be aware that the danger to a relationship is definitely still there.....The important aspect to consider is motivation,if your Lady enjoyed her dancing in the past,maybe danced seriously?then it could be relatively harmless,the good Dancers she will gravitate towards have no trouble pulling Ladies,they often have a veritable Seraglio of partners,not surprisingly they will be looking for a good partner at their own level,rather than a quick fling.....However if she is just going along for the fun,then your relationship is indeed very vulnerable,every venue has its share of predators.....If you really want to keep this Lady then there is only one real answer,go with her,many Guys do......Remember when she complains,you are not so much concerned about her fidelity,you trust her,but you are worried about her safety....If you can't Dance then either learn (Very good Idea)...or be a Gooseberry,she wont play up if you are there...Good Luck.

 

[jophil28]

She said - "True, but we still want our men to go with us, we want you to dance with us, but if you don't, it's kind of fun to see you guys get jealous when other guys want to dance with us".

.

You need to verify if she is genuine in her wish for you to come along.
If I were you I would test her. I would offer to go along and see what her reaction is. IF she is thrilled for you to come along, then she is probably trustworthy and was not planning to go out "with the girls" to hit on other guys.
IF she baulks at you joining them, then you indeed have a problem.

 

[KontrollerX]

"I know you are asking yourself "What Would Leykis Do?"

Actually no.

I don't approach life from a what would Tom Leykis do perspective as Christians do with Jesus.

I simply listened to the Tom Leykis Show over an extended period of time and came to agree with 99% of what the man has said and 99% of his beliefs are now my beliefs so its more or less my asking myself what would KontrollerX do?

"Think about this for a second. Would a confident, mature, ALPHA male be worried about his chick? No, because he knows that he can't prevent anything from "happening" (and it's much more likely to happen at work than anywhere), and if it does he will eventually find out and drop her ass. The guy who has control of a healthy relationship isn't going to get his panties in a wad over something like this unless it actually becomes a PROBLEM, in which case he is justified in taking action. To "lay down the law" about her going out once in awhile makes you look like a jealous, insecure ass."

I respect the differing way you handle things in this regard Str8up but I no longer agree.

And I think you guys don't understand where I'm coming from with my position on this so I'll try to explain.

Str8up I'm beyond, way beyond giving a damn how I'm perceived by any woman at all other than of course the obvious getting her attracted enough to want to have sex with me, be obsessed with me, etc part of it.

I am 100% out for myself and my own benefit. I do not care about fairness or compromise.

I am about benefitting myself and setting up a winning scenario for myself where I get the most rewards out of the interaction with a particular woman.

People that try to shame this mindset might call it narcissism, selfishness, arrogance, boy man mentality and in any person with these same views the person that shames the person that holds these views could only be right if that person's motivations were to protect their emotions or to hurt others.

My motivations are not to protect my emotions or hurt others.

So I call my mindset abundance mentality and it can only be attained by those that are interested in putting themselves first always in their interactions with the opposite sex. I admit its a form of greed but like Gordon Gecko has said: "greed is good".

And indeed my mindset is also a form of selfishness but not as the word is commonly understood as a shaming word and in an always negative context but rather how Ayn Rand describes it...

http://www.objectivistcenter.org/cth--406-FAQ_Virtue_Selfishness.aspx

"the truly selfish person is a self-respecting, self-supporting human being who neither sacrifices others to himself nor sacrifices himself to others."

I have questioned myself deeply to find out what it is I really want out of women and life and I have honestly come to the conclusion that a little laughing and joking around is all I need for a bit of companionship to make myself feel fulfilled and of course tons of sex. I have found that I never required the deep intimacy many of the guys talk about wanting and yearn for on this forum.

I thought I wanted this once upon a time but it was only because I was so brainwashed by upbringing and societal peer pressure.

You see I didn't really want relationships and intimacy so much as I just wanted to fit in and not feel bad for not being perceived as normal by the outside world.

So to conclude what you and Davejuan are missing is that I don't care what the woman thinks about my demands upon her and I don't make the demands for sympish insecurity reasons. I make them because they establish in her mind that I'm someone who will tolerate absolutely no BS whatsoever and I do agree with you Str8up that any woman can cheat and can cheat despite my zero tolerance policy but you have to understand again I realize this so I am fully comfortable with the idea that the policy I lay out to women isn't going to 100% guarantee she doesn't cheat rather it exists and is put forth by me as a form of psychological warfare or more commonly referred to on the forum as a mind game as I also agree with you that interactions with women on a sexual relational level are adversarial in nature. Anyway the benefits of telling a woman something like this are two fold.

You come across as dominant and manly and through no more effort on your part she can generate a fantasy that you must care for her a great deal to not want her to go to any hook up spots without you as see there are many women out there believe it or not who get turned on by a dominate man seeming to care about them without his outright stating it and in fact many relationships end because a guy goes too far with his seeming not to care about her. So a balance must be struck and this is a great covert way for a man to strike that balance though yeah I can see legions of symps rushing to label it immature jealousy already when of course they thoroughly and completely miss the point.

P.S: To the life long symp dild0's of the forum please don't jump on my balls over the use of the term "psychological warfare". I know you're itching to because you guys can't fathom anyone actually having a decent vocabulary and bettering themselves but yeah why don't you kids go renew your WOW subscription or continue jackin it to hentai instead of commenting as the grownups are having a discussion here? kthxbye.

Anyway though to conclude I know myself and I know my goals so I have promoted them to the topic creator also as all men really only need to put up with as much hassle as they are willing to allow themselves to deal with and I just don't see the need for anyone gritting their teeth and just accepting their woman is going to do what she wants to do and there's nothing you can do about it.

Oh no there is something you can do about it!

Walk away always.

Walk away a hundred billion times if you have to.

Keep walking away until your woman complies with your demands or until you find a woman that is as perfect for you as humanly possible and if you never find such a woman then its no loss in life to just hook up with women and avoid the relationship game entirely.

Women walk away quite regularly over the littlest of things and thats seen as normal while men doing the same is seen as immature.

Its amusing how well the shaming has tamed most of the board from doing the exact same thing women do that is effective for them and how the board has so bought into it.

Its not immature to go after what you want.

Its smart.

Women know this, its time for men to wake up and realize the same.

 

[Janez]

KontrollerX, there is some great Post-BPD knowledge and wisdom in your life. Your posts has helped me the most. I read about one thing you say (or anyone smart here and many ppl here are well respected in my eyes) and it some time I accept the idea intelectually, and after more time the thing start going into my head emotionally.

One of the idea's that is not deep ingrained into my brain is that I must put myself first above everything else. I know it is that way because it is the only way to be healthy in this world. The world and social interactions became such dog-eat-dog thing so to lead a better way of living a man must put himself first then be "exemplary" (bah don't find correct english word).

What I see here from many people is that they don't find the strength within themselves to cut the crap. And I see the same thing about myself. I read some things about codependency (disorder) and this is something we call here "captain save a ho".

What is Captain save a ho? How can this sh*t be treated and finished? How does a man comes from "I help you with things so i get your p*ssy" to be just a strong man that that mentally and intellectually cares for himself first above everyone else? Codependency is not a good thing and I'm afraid I only get turned on by women that "need love" and I feel then I can dominate them.

I am sorry if my thinking and post here might be a bit off-topic, but would appreciate a response. thank you

 

[KontrollerX]

"What is Captain save a ho?"

Someone that thinks the way to a woman's heart is through helping her and rescuing her from her problems.

"How can this sh*t be treated and finished? How does a man comes from "I help you with things so i get your p*ssy" to be just a strong man that that mentally and intellectually cares for himself first above everyone else?"

He really needs to recognize his worth.

The man that would be rid of capn save a ho mentality must be prepared to try something new.

He's got to come to realize that what he's doing now and what he did in the past doesn't work.

And even if he thought it did and he got a girl once from it was it really a deeply fulfilling relationship?

Did he really sense she respected him??

Or was he blue balled and kept at arm's length only getting the basic scraps of intimacy from her???

See the greatest motivation to let go of the capn save a ho mentality is thinking about your life and going over all the times you sacrificed and did great things and practically bent over backwards just to get some woman's attention or maybe even a date.

When a man finally realizes his worth and value deep down he realizes grovelling for pvssy does not make him happy. Even if he gets the pvssy he still does not respect himself deep down. He might rationalize and say to himself I got some pvssy out of it so it was worthwhile until he does an honest assessment and comes to realize he wasted weeks, months or even years of his precious youth that he can never again get back chasing after what should be coming to him and basically begging him to fvck it.

Those who would choose to be brave men, those who accept newfound knowledge whether it be from their own realizations or those heard elsewhere will begin the transformation of becoming something mentally and physically irresistable to women. Women will approach him putting him in the power position for once in his life as whomever draws others to them rather than the other way around truly has the most power in an interaction. Even if a girl doesn't literally approach you she is basically approaching you in an almost psychic manner if you've ever experienced a girl practically eye fvcking you before. In those situations you can be the one to approach her physically as she has already shown that she cannot help but want you and thus you have the power over the situation.

"Codependency is not a good thing and I'm afraid I only get turned on by women that "need love" and I feel then I can dominate them."

At its core this is a result of a deep fear of one own's ineptness and belief of one's inability to interact with a mature or at least normal woman.

Going after the depressed and broken or those vulnerable due to their need to be loved and being "turned on" by them and no other type and not knowing why is usually the result of a loveless childhood which turns feelings of self worth off for one's self but despite your best efforts as a child subconsciously and perhaps even consciously to ward off giving yourself some credit and self love...

You still need it.

From yourself first and foremost and you probably needed it from others during childhood who may of contributed to your broken mindset.

Never the less even though you cannot go back and change the past and get the love from parents/caretakers/society/peers that you needed there is still hope and it is through beginning to love yourself and realizing you are a man of worth and that you can begin building worth at this very moment even if you cannot find anything as you examine your past that you would consider that would make you a worthwhile person.

When you do this for a long while whether its by yourself or with the aid of a therapist you lose the need to vicariously fix the broken sad little boy inside of yourself through the broken sad little girls you seek out to have your relationships with.

Fixing them does nothing to erase your sadness or brokeness. You are still broken and sad even if you feel such women make you truly happy for a while for when they are gone and they will eventually be gone the depression and pain returns and your mind might sing the familiar song lyrics from the 60's "hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again".

So yeah as you make progress all the while actively believing in yourself as a great person you begin to instead seek out a great woman. Someone worthy of the new you. You are no longer attracted to badness and sadness because you have left that behind for a better future.

Anyway the main point I want to drive home with this post is there is no reason at all in the world why you cannot eventually become such a man of worth physically and mentally to the point where you no longer grovel and play therapist to women just to get in their pants and also your belief in yourself will be so strong that you will be able to walk away from any woman be she the hottest woman you've ever seen in your life should she offend you in any way.

Remember that every last person on this planet be they male or female decides how much BS hassles they are going to put up with from whoever they get involved with and how much compromising if any that they will do as well.

If you are like me and believe as I do that the best life course is one as hassle free and pro benefitting oneself as possible you will live Leykis 101 and not put up with one minute of a woman's BS.

You will accept that this is a number's game and test of your will and your harsh mindset may get you a lot of women turning it down before you find one or two or three that agree to your demands of them and agree with how you live your life and want in on that.

A lot of guys won't do this though, a lot of guys think its necessary to put up with some BS as its just natural. I won't necessarily say they are doing things wrong but I will say that I am not like them. I go the extra mile since realizing my worth and coming to my current beliefs through a lot of studying.

I will go through ten billion girls to get to the one that agrees that its my way or the high way as going back to my earlier post I am all about benefitting myself before any woman.

This doesn't mean I'm not a giving or generous person. I certainly am to friends or family, I just quite simply regard women I just want to bone and hang out with a completely different way.

A lot of guys don't have the energy or the will to go for what they absolutely want from women. They'll grit their teeth and put up with bullsh!t behavior all in an effort to hope she'll behave later on or make it up to them somehow.

I am not so forgiving. A chick chooses something I am absolutely against over my will there's the fvckin door b!tch.

Again I don't care for the arguments of oh this and this is normal for a girl to want to do blah blah blah. I care about what I want and if a chick isn't on board with me in that she can find somebody else.

If you are willing to play the numbers game as I am and take on tons of rejections to find the 5-10 girls who will put up with absolutely all that you want then my friend you will be a happy man.

You can do it Str8up and Davejuan's way and give chicks more leeway and hey I'm not criticizing their way at all I'm just saying I prefer my way these days and absolutely getting what I want.

I view having to direct a chick to the door as good practice to keep me strong enough to be willing to boot HB 10's out of my house if I can ever find any in this god awful corner of Michigan.

 

[bigjohnson]

A habit of girls nights out is an auto-next for me. Maybe I'm AFC, but it don't fly.

 

[decades]

i strongly disagree with you Kontroller.

Str8 hit it right on the head. ask yourself ONE QUESTION. if you pictured yourself to be the most confident, strongest, smartest biggest catch out there and could pull any women... would you worry about your women going out to dance with friends?

its not the dancing that bothers you, its not the time spent with friends, its not the idea of her being away from you ..right?

so what lack of security in yourself are you showing by having issue with her going out other than her cheating on you?

which if this is the case, then the ISSUE isnt her going out dancing, the issue is her commitment to you and it stems WAY before her going out.

if my girl is going out, i want her to look HER ABSOLUTE BEST, be the most attractive girl in the club. i want to make sure she has a great time. maybe even give my LTR girl a few bucks so she can buy a drink for herself on me.

THIS... is how an ALPHA should think.

IMO

the problem is NONE Of us are as idealized as what you describe. We are all a bundle of raw primal emotions that are often beyond our control. Sure you can "pretend" you are the top Alpha dog and imagine that you are with a woman that doesn't cheat. But a woman cheats mostly based on opportunity in the moment, women Are their feelings. Often a woman isn't mature enough to know herself and what she would do in a certain situation. Often a woman will put herself in a situation giving her the "option" do whatever feels right in the moment. It's a red flag when your woman is going out with the "girls" and it becomes a pattern. If anything, it's a sign she hasn't dealt with some of her "stuff".

 

[jophil28]

if my girl is going out, i want her to look HER ABSOLUTE BEST, be the most attractive girl in the club. i want to make sure she has a great time. maybe even give my LTR girl a few bucks so she can buy a drink for herself on me.

THIS... is how an ALPHA should think.

IMO

That is actually all about YOUR own bloated ego needs. You mentioned your own "wants" three times in those two sentences above .
In your quote , you are speaking about her if she were merely an extension of you. The way in which she dresses and socialises with her girls is seen by you as a public statement of your ability to pull a hot G/f.

That is hardly how an " Alpha should think".
More like an insecure wannabe DJ hiding his inner AFC.

 

[DavenJuan]

That is actually all about YOUR own bloated ego needs. You mentioned your own "wants" three times in those two sentences above .
In your quote , you are speaking about her if she were merely an extension of you. The way in which she dresses and socialises with her girls is seen by you as a public statement of your ability to pull a hot G/f.

That is hardly how an " Alpha should think".
More like an insecure wannabe DJ hiding his inner AFC.

ive claimed many times NOt TO BE a DJ. i have a long trail ahead of me and still continue to learn constantly. but what i can say is that i have made PROGRESSION and know a few things.

you are misinterpreting what im saying. i simply am talking about the "mentality".

the ONE thing you did understand is MY WANTS. i would much rather ...

WANT.. my girl to look attractive WHO DOESNT??
WANT.. my girl to have a good time out. SHE IS ALlowed A SOCIAL LIFE IF IM ALLOWED ONE RIGHT?

vs..

not just showing, but more importantly questioning her intentions because she is going out with friends..

as far as her being the most "attractive girl in the club" , i was using it more of a MENTALITY. its to push the point that we shoud be confident enough in our relationships, were its okay when she leaves in that smokin' hott dress & high heels

(pss.. im okay if guys wanna check my girl out. its not to bloat at all... if anything its compliment not an insult)

AGAIN,

IMO, a "DJ" isnt concerned with something this trivial.

i would rather continue to be a "wannabe Dj hidng my inner AFC.. ....

as long as im not worrying the entire time that my gf will continue to be with me as long as can limit or minimize her options and opportunities...

i would MUCH RATHER have more confidence in my relationship.. or just not be in one

 

[DavenJuan]

originally posted by Jophil28:
you are speaking about her if she were merely an extension of you. The way in which she dresses and socialises with her girls is seen by you as a public statement of your ability to pull a hot G/f.

That is hardly how an " Alpha should think".

also misinterpreted..

she is an extension not of ME.. but of OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Im not naive, i understand that women cheat. i understand ALSO that if she were to do something, it is HER ACTIONS and she is accountable for them. me THINKING that i have any control over that is absurd.

 

[bigjohnson]

Bottom line, if in the small part of our lives that we can have time together she needs to be away, then *poof* her wish is granted. Adios bitch.

It sounds like she was trying to get you to go out and you picked a fight in this case though - drama queen much?