Wife, GF or SO going out "dancing"?

[Rounder]

My GF and I were talking last night after she got off the phone with one of her friends. My GF is almost 25 and her friend is almost 34. Her friend is married and she wants to go out "dancing" at a club.

I'll be honest - I'm not too thrilled with the idea of my GF going out dancing without me and I'm not too sure how to handle the situation - I know she will be hit on.

So the question I posed to my GF - should a married woman be going out "dancing" without her husband? I started this in such a way that it was not accusatorial toward her friend - more of a hypothetical. I said that her friend going out dancing is between her and her husband and their business, not mine. I just wanted to merely debate the issues involved and get her opinion on it.

I ask this because of the experiences I have. I cheated on my 2nd wife, I never intended for that to happen, I didn't want it to happen, IF I get married again I will not cheat. The pain that came with cheating was not worth the fun, it would have been easier to simply get a divorce and then move on to other women. As it was I was torn up on a daily basis. I know that I should have dealt with the problems with my wife and focused my attention and energy on her rather than a new person. Things weren't right between us and I'm not sure if getting divorced wasn't inevitable, but my cheating certainly hastened things.

I told my GF how easily things happen, we don't necessarily intend or even want to cheat, but it can happen and that I think it is important for married people to keep themselves in check.

My GF is divorced herself and she cheated on her husband so it is something we have in common and can discuss the feelings during that time of our lives. And no - we did not cheat with each other.

Obviously I am biased in my opinion but I was curious for some other opinions?

 

[true romance]

It's a tough call.

My belief is that if you want to cheat then there is notthing you can do. No amount of checking, follow the other person..etc will stop she or he cheat

be at peace with yourself. Knowing that you chose the best mate you can and enjoy the good time. If you are fun, a lion in bed, provide all the physical and emotional need to your GF then you have nothing to worry about when she go out dancing with her GFs. Sometime girls need to have fun on their own with their GFs...they need some attentions..etc display their beauty, clothes..etc

My current GF dance salsa and she often go alone to salsa club. I also dance salsa as well, I'm not worry that she will cheat, I know she will get hit on but she can turn the guys down. Even if she plan to cheat there is nothing I can do, just move on. It's her lost. There must be trust in a relationship otherwise it will burn. I know what I'm worth and what I have to offer. So

This is always about YOU...a lot of senior DJ here always preach this mentality. It's all about YOU.


Ask yourself why do you cheat and her as well. This might give you an asnwer.

 

[KontrollerX]

"My GF is divorced herself and she cheated on her husband"

Heh heh like really does attract like.

You both are cheaters.

Knowing her character to begin with she was an extremely poor choice for a girlfriend dude.

Anyway though to answer your question my opinion is once you are in a relationship with some chick girls night out is done and over with unless it involves her wanting to go see a movie with her friends or go shopping with friends or go to an amusement park with her female friends etc.

Basically my opinion is once you give a chick a relationship her going to hookup spots like bars, clubs and the like is completely off limits and if she disagrees with that then you walk.

Now to avoid this entirely when you first get involved in a relationship with a woman you should have the talk.

And what the talk is, is a list of what you won't tolerate during a relationship with her and if she doesn't agree with it thats cool as you two can continue your current arrangement without having an exclusive relationship or you two are done. Either way you both understand eachother and either way the outcome was the right outcome for both parties.

Most guys don't have the balls to lay down what they want out of a relationship to some chick and just put up with bullsh!t like this as it comes along and grit their teeth with anger or go pro-actively cheat to show their woman they can do it too in an immature display of total fagg0try and AFCery on their part when instead what they should do when undesireable behavior is displayed is grab a hold of their balls and walk right out of the non compliant little lady's life.

It is her life and she can indeed do what she wants with it but that ability to make choices comes with a price and the price is the cost of losing you.

So yeah I know what I would do in your situation but the question is what are you going to do?

Take a stand for what you want or just grit your teeth like many of the AFC's here and just put up with it?

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

This is always about YOU...a lot of senior DJ here always preach this mentality. It's all about YOU.


Agree. Let her go and have her fun. Use it as ammo to have a boys night out yourself.

You are being jealous and controlling. Jealousy of any sort sucks, plain and simple.

If she wants to cheat, she will. If she doesn't want to cheat, she won't. Whether you allow her to go dancing or not won't change her mind.

 

[Warrior74]

some women like jealous and controlling. in fact they think its love & structure. Determine what sort of woman you have. Some spit the societal programming back at you, but they really want you to dominate them totally. Just sayin...I've seen it.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

Warrior, I agree with that. I've seen it too. But personally I never have been with / could not be with a woman who would be turned on by jealousy. I've always viewed that type as having BPD or some other psychological ailment.

No completely right or wrong answer here.

I've had better luck using a more nonchalant attitude plus ALWAYS making sure that I get more fun out of life than my SO.

 

[STR8UP]

Take a stand for what you want or just grit your teeth like many of the AFC's here and just put up with it?

I know you are asking yourself "What Would Leykis Do?"

This is one of those sticky points where I disagree with him and that philosophy in general.

The important thing here is not the act itself, but the context and whether or not it turns into a pattern.

In other words, if you have noticed other "signs" that something is amiss, or if you guys get into a fight and she tells you that she is doing this....that's bad. Same goes if this becomes a "habit" for her. Every couple of months...maybe. Every week or every couple of weeks....there's a problem.

Think about this for a second. Would a confident, mature, ALPHA male be worried about his chick? No, because he knows that he can't prevent anything from "happening" (and it's much more likely to happen at work than anywhere), and if it does he will eventually find out and drop her ass. The guy who has control of a healthy relationship isn't going to get his panties in a wad over something like this unless it actually becomes a PROBLEM, in which case he is justified in taking action. To "lay down the law" about her going out once in awhile makes you look like a jealous, insecure ass.

This is of course assumin that everything else is good with the relationship. If it is, I say that issuing ultimatums simply shows how little power you have.

I've said it before.....you might not always be tested, but you will ALWAYS be judged. Neither one of you might have even known that this was actually a "test" and if you get huffy you fail miserably.

 

[Rounder]

Let me add something - I want to be very clear on this.

I am NOT trying to stop her from going. I have mixed emotions about it but in no way have I tried to stop her from going. At no point did I try to talk her out of going. I told her to have a good time, etc. I think my OP may have lead the conversation in the wrong direction.

I am mostly asking about a wife going out "dancing". I was simply talking to her about what her opinion is on such an issue - mostly because her and I both cheated - we had our own reasons, but some things were similar and it was definitely an interesting and fun conversation.

My GF is my GF and that's it. Nothing more and I don't expect more and at this point, sure as h3ll don't want anything more than that.

At this point she likes me and wants to be with me far more than I want to be with her. I like having her around but if she was gone tomorrow I would be just fine. I've been through 2 divorces - I think I could survive a GF or 5 or 6 months leaving me, haha. A GF is SOOOO much easier than a wife though, haha. I can tell my GF to go home when I don't want her around, I love it.

 

[DavenJuan]

Originally posted by KontrollerX:
Anyway though to answer your question my opinion is once you are in a relationship with some chick girls night out is done and over with unless it involves her wanting to go see a movie with her friends or go shopping with friends or go to an amusement park with her female friends etc.

i strongly disagree with you Kontroller.

Str8 hit it right on the head. ask yourself ONE QUESTION. if you pictured yourself to be the most confident, strongest, smartest biggest catch out there and could pull any women... would you worry about your women going out to dance with friends?

its not the dancing that bothers you, its not the time spent with friends, its not the idea of her being away from you ..right?

so what lack of security in yourself are you showing by having issue with her going out other than her cheating on you?

which if this is the case, then the ISSUE isnt her going out dancing, the issue is her commitment to you and it stems WAY before her going out.

if my girl is going out, i want her to look HER ABSOLUTE BEST, be the most attractive girl in the club. i want to make sure she has a great time. maybe even give my LTR girl a few bucks so she can buy a drink for herself on me.

THIS... is how an ALPHA should think.

IMO

 

[guru1000]

if you pictured yourself to be the most confident, strongest, smartest biggest catch out there and could pull any women... would you worry about your women going out to dance with friends?

THIS... is how an ALPHA should think.

IMO

There is only one flaw in this stance. His gf going out creates mixed emotions. His "Confusion" is derived from his discontent about her direction.

The difference between Don Juan and AFC is not controlling but rather what one ALLOWS in an exclusive relationship in spite of one's convictions.

 

[DavenJuan]

There is only one flaw in this stance. His gf going out creates mixed emotions. His "Confusion" is derived from his discontent about her direction.

The difference between Don Juan and AFC is not controlling but rather what one ALLOWS in an exclusive relationship in spite of one's convictions.

AGREED...

that is the biggest difference between the two..

however..

his discontent about her direction is the ISSUE, the "confusion" is only being addressed because the question is "is it okay to go out"

the answer to that question is YES. but the REAL question is, what other things are occuring in the relationshiip (or in HIS thinking) that creates this concern???

 

[STR8UP]

its not the dancing that bothers you, its not the time spent with friends, its not the idea of her being away from you ..right?

I don't think it is the fact that she is "away", it is the venue she is choosing.

I agree.....clubs are meat markets. But I'll let you in on a secret that most people don't know the workplace is an even bigger meat market!

So unless you are going to lock your woman in a closet, you really have little control of what she does when she's away from you.

This issue also comes down to respect, and a woman's motivation for having the desire to go to a club. I know I don't have a very good time at clubs when I am in a relationship.

It comes down to whether this is an occasional thing to blow off steam, or a regular deal she uses to fill in a missing piece in her life. the former...you're ok. the latter....you might want to look into dumping the b!tch.

 

[puma183]

Having been both the Husband and the Boyfriend, this is my opinion on the matter:

GF Going Dancing: Once in a while this is ok. Provided you get to do the same. If it's happening regularly, it's not ok.

Wife Going Dancing: This is NOT ok. When my ex-wife developed a sudden love of dancing, and insisting on going out dancing without me, this was the final phase of the end for the relationship. I suspected that she was looking for the next branch to swing to. She indeed found the branch during those outings. By this time I was ready to move on as well. However it was a most unpleasant time in my life. (about 6 years ago, way before my AFC-recovery began). I am not saying that the clubbing caused the divorce; it was more of an enabler. This was my ex starting her new life if you will, while still under the financial security of our old life.

I strongly suspect that your GF's married-friend is looking for trouble. She probably has not verbalized this to either your GF or her husband, but I am sure she had all kinds of secret expectations in her head. Your GF is probably not looking for trouble; but since the married-friend is itching to play the field, she will end up close proximity of men in many flirtatious situations. As the wing-woman, she may be stuck chatting to wing-men, while the married-one is grinding away on the dance floor. If you are unlucky she may do a little grinding herself.

 

[true romance]

As I stated above, the reason your GF or wife started to love dancing or go out or doing other activities alone or with GFs maybe she is missing something in her life. Maybe your relationship get stale, no excitement... not enough sex, romance etc ...same go for guys, if you go home and your wife is fat and boring same old **** then I doubt you want to be home or you rather go out have fun...meet other girls

Maybe you should take up dancing or other activities with her...ignite the flame once more..

Its always start with YOU. -----> YOU

If you are unlucky to meet low quality women and she does not respect you then this is a gift from God. You can dump her and find better girl..


Ask why your GF or wife start playing the field..what does she miss in her life?

 

[Sinistar]

RT's words from the Vegas Thread should be included:

Let her go. This is a very common sh!t test. Don't even pause to think about it and do NOT let her perceive for a second that you're even contemplating it. Be mater-of-fact and tell her you'll see her when she gets back. Don't tell her to call you, and don't you call her. If she calls be concise and ask her if she's enjoying herself, nothing more - no details, nothing. Let her be as forthcoming as she wants and never for a minute give her the impression you're suspicious or posessive. This is the surest way to pass this test. When and if she asks about what you've been doing, tell her you've been busy with work/school, your family, etc., (i.e. something unavoidably responsible). Do NOT say you're out with the boys in some lame effort to counter her going off with the girls. Do NOT give her the impression that you are doing anything as a reprisal to her going off with the girls. Do NOT give her the impression that you are pacing around the house waiting for her to call. In fact I'd advise letting your voicemail or message machine pick up the call and then call her back half an hour later.

This is an excellent opportunity to display confidence behaviors. The secret of the GNO (girls night out) sh!t test is, the truth of the matter is, that if a woman is going to cheat on you, there's really nothing you can do about it. Whether it's on a GNO or with some guy from the office - if a woman wants to ƒuck, she'll find a way to ƒuck and all the psychological, possessive arm twisting in the world wont change this. The way I've always handled this with my own wife is to encourage her to go out with her friends. The covert message in this is what's important.

Remember, a woman's default is to communicate covertly. When you encourage her to a GNO it sends the message that you are confident enough in your own ability to replace her should she cross that line. Women love to think to themselves, "he trusts me implicitly", but the covert message is really a veiled threat AND exemplifies your self-confidence. Bear in mind it's what she feels in this communication. If you leave her with the feeling that you're clingy, possessive and worried, the impression she has that you're weak and are the kind of guy that women settle for not compete for.

Essentially you make her the PRIZE. This may or may not be the case, but the impression of it and the covert communication of it is vital. If, by your actions you can leave her with the feeling that you have a lot going for you; that you are a commodity that other women will compete for; that you are the PRIZE, you plant the seed of doubt and she will voluntarily curb her desire to go on GNOs - and this is the outcome you're striving for. You want your attention to be more rewarding than the attention she'll receive on a GNO. You can't force this into being so, but you can covertly manipulate desire. When you tacitly, almost indifferently, tell her to go and have a good time, the message is about your own self-worth.

I should also add that this in no way excuses the woman who CONSTANTLY goes on GNOs as some kind of ritual with her girlfriends. This is symptomatic of a larger problem and this is based in desire. If you ever find yourself in this circumstance your best recourse is to remove your attentions entirely. Women who have a regular GNO in LTRs are seeking something vicariously through their friends and it's only a matter of time until the right circumstances arise. Better to cut your losses on a bad investment than play the cuckold for a woman who has no genuine desire for you and regularly demonstrates this in her behavior.

...and these too...

Exactly! In my 9 years of marriage my attitude towards Girls Night Out with my wife has always been, "Have fun."

Girls night out is ******** for 'sh!t test'. If a woman is going to cheat on you she doesn't need a GNO to do so. She'll find a way to cheat and all the posessiveness in the world wont restore a lack of desire on her part. You wont be averting her opportunity to cheat on you by denying her a GNO or worse, getting sulky and pvssied when she tells you she wants to go out with friends. You only fail a sh!t test and get her impression of your confidence dropped.

Even when we were dating my attitude (including her bachelorette party) was 'go ahead'. The minute I get all AFC about it is when I give the power back to her. Remember, women communicate covertly and subtley. By allowing and even encouraging a GNO you send the subliminal message that says "have a good time because I'm confident enough in myself to know that if you do decide to fool around on me there are plenty of other women who'll want what I have to offer."

 

[NewMan]

Your 34 and have been married 2 times?

And your closing in on your 3rd????

I say time to reevaluate your selection policy.

But, so answer your question....

We will alsways have friends - always have nights out - be it with the 'boys' or the 'girls'.

I have fvcked married women who have been out on a girls night out - as I am sure some here have as well. But your selection policy and how you handle your woman is key here. If you are afraid she will cheat, why make her your wife? if you have to instill rules to keep her 'in line' - why get married?

I believe it boils down to selection of wife/gf - and how you handle her. A woman who is in love/awe/devotion with you is not going to cheat. period. Act like a man - and you'll never have to worry. Be a jealous AFC - you got problems.

Now, if she's going out every week - then thats another issue - but I'd point back to your selection process in the first place.

 

[Rounder]

And your closing in on your 3rd????

Not sure when I said I was closing in on my 3rd. Having a "GF" sure as hell doesn't mean I'm going to marry her. 10 years ago, maybe, but not now. In fact let me quote what I said earlier -

My GF is my GF and that's it. Nothing more and I don't expect more and at this point, sure as h3ll don't want anything more than that.

So I'm not sure where you can jump to the conclusion that I'm headed to my 3rd.

I was simply asking for opinions on "GNO" - particulary a wife of 10+ years looking to go "dancing" at a club and how guys here felt about such a situation. My GF and I were talking about it, whether it's right and what it can lead to. Since we've both cheated we know where that road goes and how easy that turn is to make. We had a good conversation about it for an hour or so.

If my GF goes dancing - yeah it kind of bugs me, don't really want her rubbing up on other dudes - but that is 99.99% certain to happen and I just have to accept that and be cool with it. Moreover, I'm not sure I actually care enough to get that upset about it. Like I said - after going through 2 divorces I just wouldn't be that upset if she was gone tomorrow. There are some great things about her I love but she has a few check marks against her as well.

She is fun for now and I'm working on improving myself, getting things in order and I plan to date around alot next summer.

 

[puma183]

One other point. Two (2) girls going to a night-club together is not Girls Night Out.

It is called a Hunting Party.

Good Hunting!

 

[DavenJuan]

One other point. Two (2) girls going to a night-club together is not Girls Night Out.

It is called a Hunting Party.

Good Hunting!

:crackup:

 

[Rounder]

Puma - I tend to agree.


As we started our discussion last night she did mention that her friend did in fact mention her husband going with her.

So I said - "Scott doesn't seem like the dancing type".

She said - "True, but we still want our men to go with us, we want you to dance with us, but if you don't, it's kind of fun to see you guys get jealous when other guys want to dance with us".

My initial thought was that her friend did not want her husband to go. Our discussion then centered on a married woman out dancing with a friend at a club and whether it is right or wrong and what the possibilities were. I just thought I'd toss the idea out here, see what people thought.