Wife cheated, devorce process started.. Help to heal.

[DaBrite1]

All,

I know there are many similar threads on this topic and believe me, I read most of them, but I want to personalize my story to get personalized views.

I found out during the December period that my stay at home wife of 3 years has been cheating and bringing the guy to our home during my working hours. Their relationship has been going on for 3 months. I know this dude very well and go to the same church as him.
The shock when I found out was unbearable and she immediately moved out and back to her parents.
I already started the divorce process. It has been exactly 1 month yesterday since I found this out but I still can not sleep and concentrate at work..

Help…
The thought of knowing that for 3 months she was lying to me is unbearable..
I still cannot sleep just thinking that she was bringing the dude in our house..
I feel so betrayed..
The news about her infidelity is known in our area and I feel ashamed of even going out..
The thoughts of making this guy also pay for this are always running through my head all the time..

If you have gone through similar cases..
How was the road to recovery?
How or where do I start?
My stomach is still turning inside me whenever I get to my house..
We have 2 kids(8 years and 3 years old). The kids remained with me when she moved out. I immediately arranged for a helper to assist with the kids. So I will probably get custody of the kids with the divorce.

My family has been very supportive since the news broke..
I already started going to gym etc to keep busy afterwork..
I know for sure that I don’t want her back or anything like that..
I know that she is a ho who does not deserve a family..

BUT how do I move forward????
HELP with any views please….

 

[LiveFreeX]

Good luck man, may the force be with you.

Would drain all bank accounts of money and open an account in the Bank of China or China construction bank and dump it all into there.

What nationality is your ex-wife? American by any chance?

 

[The Duke]

All,

Help…
The thought of knowing that for 3 months she was lying to me is unbearable..
I still cannot sleep just thinking that she was bringing the dude in our house..
I feel so betrayed..
The news about her infidelity is known in our area and I feel ashamed of even going out..
The thoughts of making this guy also pay for this are always running through my head all the time..

If you have gone through similar cases..
How was the road to recovery?
How or where do I start?
My stomach is still turning inside me whenever I get to my house..
We have 2 kids(8 years and 3 years old). The kids remained with me when she moved out. I immediately arranged for a helper to assist with the kids. So I will probably get custody of the kids with the divorce.

My family has been very supportive since the news broke..
I already started going to gym etc to keep busy afterwork..
I know for sure that I don’t want her back or anything like that..
I know that she is a ho who does not deserve a family..

HELP with any views please….

-Find somebody that is a good listener and level headed that you can lean on for moral support. Talk to them daily if you need to.

-Stay active.

-Run a credit report on her to see if she has any secret accounts that she never told you about.

-Take it one day at a time. Its a roller coaster of feelings for the next couple months. You will go from mad, to sad, to wanting to take blame, to confused, etc. Its part of the healing process.

-Know that its a great opportunity for a fresh start. Its an opportunity for a new and better you. You will never look at women the same. The best times of my life started after I divorced my exwife.

-Understand that her cheating on you is not your fault.

-Start up a new hobby or revisit an old one you had gotten away from. Keep your mind busy.

-There will be friends/family members that pick sides. And some may surprise you.

-The lack of sleep and inability to concentrate will slowly pass. The day my exwife moved out I didn't eat or sleep for days. Wasn't even tired or hungry. I couldn't even talk at work. I struggled to do simple tasks.

-There will be people in her ear giving her advice trying to make your life difficult.

-You don't have to go thru lawyers to divorce. The paper work is pretty easy to do your self if you have a ex-wife that is reasonable and you are as well.

-When you meet with her to discuss issues, just keep it "business". Meet in public places.

-When she doesn't want to cooperate, just ignore her and withdraw any attention. Women can't stand to go without male attention. They will more than likely come around to your way of seeing things. Women act like dogs......When they act up, let them know, punish them, and ignore them.

You sound like you have your head on pretty good all things considered. There is a wealth of veterans on this board that have been there done that and experienced the exact same thing you have.

 

[Epimanes]

Well first off. To divorce or not is your choice.

If you want to salvage this and turn it around. The advice here will not help you. You will be encouraged to destory your family. My suggestion would be to take this story to www.marriagebuilders.com and post it on their infidelity forum. You will get a ton of support and a plan of action.

There is reasons for the affair but no excuses. Your both responsible for the condition of your marriage but your wife is 100% responsible for her affair.

Epi

 

[Colossus]

His wife destroyed their family when she fvcked another man in his home while he was at work supporting them.

 

[Epimanes]

Yeah.. Well that doesn't mean it has to be over. If extraordinary precautions are put into place and some just compensation is served and both are willing to reconcile and eliminate ALL conditions that led/allowed the affair then they can have a marriage that's better than it was before the affair.

As I stated in another thread. I have read over 1000 threads on the marriage builders forum that turned around and became more romantic and better than ever if they follow the plan to recovery. Its hard work though. And not everyone can do it. Affairs are also one of the most traumatic experiences ever for someone to experience. So if he decides to divorce his wife he has every right but from a logical stand point it makes more sence to keep his wife and make eachother a priority again like they were befroe kids. Learn to fall in love again. This is not just. 1 year marriage with no kids this is a long term marriage with 2 kids to think about.

Divorces are expensive, destructive and chances are both of them need to make radical changes to make their marriage work. There's a pretty good chance they have BOTH been abusive towards eachother and BOTH have neglected eachother and BOTH have placed the kids above their marriage and they have fallen out of love because neither one protected the other from their worst selves. There's no excuse for an affair but tons of reasons and it can get better if both want it so.

Its a lot cheaper and better off for the kids for him to give it a shot and try the marriage builders program for recovery (its free btw).

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
 

--------------------

 

[Epimanes]

I'm ok with your disagreement and respect your opinion. But I have personally seen over 1000 threads that turned it around. Is it for everyone? No.. But it can be done.

Those are valid questions and it equates to each person differently. I can't answer them. The marriage builders program suggests it takes 2 years to recover from an affair if they take the necessary steps.

Feelings follow actions. But not everyone can get past the betrayal. And I respect that too. But I am suggesting the MB program as an alternative because I have seen it work so many times. More often than not.

Epi

 

[SteR]

Sheesh man, if my wife ever cheated then she's dead to me as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how a guy could even stomach looking at her after such a betrayal...

 

[( . )( . )]

Well first off. To divorce or not is your choice.

If you want to salvage this and turn it around. The advice here will not help you. You will be encouraged to destory your family.

This is absolutely pathetic. Also lol'd @ "you will be encourage to destroy your family" Bit slow on his current events eh mate?

My suggestion would be to take this story to www.marriagebuilders.com

Ahhh your site, the one stop cure-all where even a woman who now sees her husband as a beta cuck can even be turned around. But wait!! We'll even throw in a set of steak knives.


Real question is why have I only ever seen Rollo and Burroughs question the snake oil salesman? What's wrong with the rest of you so called "Master Don Juans"? What a joke.

 

[Epimanes]

If you lurked that site. Its free. Just like this one. You can hate on me all you like. It saved my marriage and thousands of others. Can't say that about this place.

Edit: besides how can anyone take someone serious with any sort of credibility if your username is some ascii boobs.. Lol

 

[Scormus]

Oh, and I know you said it's been going on three months, but get a paternity test.

He is legally on the hook for the kids even if proven they are not his. Maybe its better for him emotionally if he leaves it in doubt than find out even more crushing news. It is the same to him financially.

Things are getting so bad that a man should never ever ever marry.

 

[Weaver]

Real question is why have I only ever seen Rollo and Burroughs question the snake oil salesman? What's wrong with the rest of you so called "Master Don Juans"? What a joke.

Well, Burroughs is gone and the slut enabler Epicmanginass is still here with his incessant marijbildurz propaganda. A sad state of affairs. The reason it bothers me enough to post is that the OP is obviously in a great deal of pain, and the last thing he needs to see on this board is more of the same warm-fuzzy-gynocentric krap that he will encounter almost everywhere else.

From the first post:
"The shock when I found out was unbearable"
"I still can not sleep and concentrate at work"
"I feel ashamed"

Here is a man who needs help, and this board is one of the few places where he can get some good advice, but Epicmanginass cares more about tearing this board down than about helping the OP. He is a malicious attention whoar trolling here with impunity. His marijbildurz baloney is just an excuse to be a holier-than-thou smartass under the guise of offering a better alternative. Marijbildurz is a stomach-turning place where a betrayed man is advised to "Call her, send her flowers, tell her how much you love her, how much you miss her"--yes, this is an actual quote from the guru, one Dr. Harley. However, Grand Expert Harley admits that his program is not for everyone: "The question you need to ask yourself is, do I want my wife to love me? Or even, do I want to be married to her? If the answer to these questions is 'no,' then I don't have much advice for you." Since DaBrite1 very obviously doesn't want his wife back, it is plain to see that the marijbildurz stuff doesn't apply to him. The only reason it is brought up is to stir up ****e.

DaBrite1:
1. Get good legal advice.
2. Keep yourself busy with physical exercise and hobbies.
3. Do some soul-searching and educate yourself: learn what you need to learn from this experience.

 

[mikey2012]

Yeah.. Well that doesn't mean it has to be over. If extraordinary precautions are put into place and some just compensation is served and both are willing to reconcile and eliminate ALL conditions that led/allowed the affair then they can have a marriage that's better than it was before the affair.

As I stated in another thread. I have read over 1000 threads on the marriage builders forum that turned around and became more romantic and better than ever if they follow the plan to recovery. Its hard work though. And not everyone can do it. Affairs are also one of the most traumatic experiences ever for someone to experience. So if he decides to divorce his wife he has every right but from a logical stand point it makes more sence to keep his wife and make eachother a priority again like they were befroe kids. Learn to fall in love again. This is not just. 1 year marriage with no kids this is a long term marriage with 2 kids to think about.

Divorces are expensive, destructive and chances are both of them need to make radical changes to make their marriage work. There's a pretty good chance they have BOTH been abusive towards eachother and BOTH have neglected eachother and BOTH have placed the kids above their marriage and they have fallen out of love because neither one protected the other from their worst selves. There's no excuse for an affair but tons of reasons and it can get better if both want it so.

Its a lot cheaper and better off for the kids for him to give it a shot and try the marriage builders program for recovery (its free btw).

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
 

--------------------

You fvcking outta your mind? Account for time? WTF ? You might as move to a communist country.

The OP had the balls to end it and you telling him he should rebuild his marriage. When this sort off cheating happens. ITs DONE. OVER.
Whats wrong with you? Cant you accept when things are over.

 

[Rubirosa]

Epimanes

Alimony and division of martial property is directly dependent on the time invested in the marriage.....

So if an unfortunate fellow chooses the wrong wife, the more he stands to lose by wasting time going through the warm and fuzzy marriage repair site you seem to be pimping so hard on here

Once a marriage reaches the 10 year mark, the man REALLY takes a financial screwing...!!!

Have you only had one job your whole life ? Who says that you can only have one marriage in your life ? Sure, it would be nice to find a good, lifelong partner, but a woman who cheats in her husband's own house, is not a good canidate

Even if kids are involved........Guess what ? Kids grow up and they are not stupid....they can tell the difference between a good Dad and a bad Dad...That's all the OP needs to worry about in terms of meeting his family responsibility

Tell his slut%y wife to go and surf that site you love so much....she can use whatever she learns on her next husband that she'll probably cheat on as well

Dear OP.....

What you are going through is normal in your situation.....it sucks, but it is normal.....
Things will eventually calm down....a part of you might want to get back with her out of ego damage control ("See everyone ! She came back to me !), but this is not in your best interest

When you get older, you will realize that this episode was a bad chapter in your life that has long passed.....As long as you take the necessary steps to get out and get on with your life right now

The quicker you get out now, the more time you will make for yourself and your future without this woman.......

It never ceases to amaze me how some people INSIST so strongly that a marriage has to be saved...........

I have said something similar on other threads

If two people divorce, there is nothing that can stop them from getting back togeter in the furture if they both want to....But how many people actually do this....? They don"t because they move on with their lives because they now have a better understanding of themselves

 

[Rubirosa]

Dear OP

In terms of housing....and there is some kind of shared custody.....It is NOT necessary to get a home super close to your ex.....

Maybe somewhat close in terms of cutting down your commmute between homes and schools....but don't live too convienietly close to an ex wife

Saying your "recovery" will take one day at a time is a little too simplistic.........I would say take it one month at a time.......each month will get better as long as you are moving forward

Even if your "wife" was 100 % guilty in this B.S., and it seems like she was, she will not want you to move on and be happy....She will want to imagine you crying yourself to sleep every night, lonely without her, without a girlfriend ....Therefore, the best "REVENGE" you can undertake is to live well without her.....To improve your life....The best part is that this is something you should be working on anyway
When you walk in public,( I imagine you are slouching big time right now ) stand up straight and pretend that she is watching you from a distance

Potential exists for her to use the kids as a weapon against you.....She might be a pain in the a$$ in regards to parenting duties.....

DO NOT SINK TO HER LEVEL......Everytime you feel like losing your temper, walk way...........Nothing pisses off a woamn more than indifference.................because she can't use it against you

She starts to be a bit#h ? Hang up the phone or walk away..........This is the age of recording devices, and we all know whose side the law takes regarding gender disputes.....just hang up or walk away.....Don't give her something that can be used against you, because she will....it is amazing how women will take their wife duties so lightly, yet will demand to be seen as a wife in a court of law

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

DaBrite1,

First off, please do not listen to Epimanes, he's a troll. He also makes statements such as the following:

"There's a pretty good chance they have BOTH been abusive towards each other" Really??? Nothing in your post indicates that. He is a Mangina and a shill for marriagebuilders.

Now, to the nature of your post:

Divorce her as soon as you can. If she hasn't been working, you don't want to risk a possibility of alimony.

You are correct in wanting to seek custody of your children.

If you have some close friends who are men, don't be afraid to confide in them. You may find out they have similar stories. Lean on your friends if you need to. You'll help them in the future some time when they go through difficulties in their lives.

You can recover from something like this. My wife was a stay at home, PTA type of Mom. She was the last type of person I would have thought would have an affair. But she did. I'm doing fine now and I'm so glad that she's out of my life. What she did was also a tremendous lesson to me about the true nature of women and what they are capable of. That, combined with what I've learned here and on other sites like Rational Male, Chateau Heartiste and Roosh have left me with a much better philosophy toward woman and relationships.

Don't be afraid to speak with a counselor.

Research books on how to heal and move forward with your life

Consider taking up group activities that involve women, dancing, coed sports teams, trivia nights, etc.

Keep up the weight lifting and improving yourself as a man. It will help your self esteem and increase your SMV.

Good luck and all the best,

-Augustus-

 

[In2theGame]

Man this sh*t scares me to ever get married, even though I would like to one day... I don't think I could take the brutal betrayal if it ever happened. I'm sorry your feeling like this OP. Even though I have never been married or have any children, I do understand the betrayal and hurt. I was on the road to getting married to my ex-girlfriend and found out she was screwing around, which after some time discovered that was just the very tip of the iceberg. Your going to feel really bad for a while but feel free to let your tears and emotions out in private and try to hang out with friends that you can talk with. That helped me somewhat. The times when it hits the hardest is when your alone at night getting ready for bed. I honestly recommend sleeping pills to get some rest because it will be VERY difficult to get some sleep. Try the brand Unisom sold at many pharmacies. I dont know much about divorce but I'm sure others here have a good idea on the process and things to watch out for. GL man.

 

[The Duke]

Some of you remind me of a bunch of biatching women. Epimanes throws his 2 cents in and you are all over him about how bad his advice is just because he is on the other side of the road than you are. You don't have to agree with him, but at least try and understand that there is more than one way to view something. The point of the thread was to help out the original poster, not beat down Epimanes because you think differently than he does.

 

[Epimanes]

I'm fine iif they feel they need to beat me down. No skin off my back. I know how to keep my marriage happy and keep my wife in love with me. I'm happily married for 16 years to an amazing woman and been with her for 20 years total.

Marriage builders works... Both my wife and I follow its principals and as a result I get my needs met properly and so does my wife. She's happy.. I'm happy my kids are happy. 6 years ago(heck 9 years ago when my youngest was born) I would have sang a different song because my kids were young and my wife and I hardly had time for eachother so that resulted in a very unhappy marriage and very little sex and a lot of fights. I couldn't throw away my marriage cuz we didn't have sex so our vows kept us together through the unhappy times even though we didn't feel like it. What sex we did have was mostly duty sex and that sucks.

But once we found marriage builders it taught us that FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS and there is a formula to stay in love thats different for each person (MB tools helps you learn eachothers formula to help you stay in love). So once we got in the habit of treating eachother better because of it, it was a game changer and then SS helped me with amused mastery for moments when my wife is not on her best game.

So.. Bash me all ya like. I got a fantastic wife at my side. All the sex I can handle and 2 very talented children. Once they are grown up I will have my wife to myself again and I will still have many years ahead of me to build an enjoyable lifestyle with her as we continue to make eachother a priority.

Epi

 

[Colossus]

You know Epimanes, I respect your opinion here and I think it is necessary, at least from a moderator's perspective. Sosuave is stoutly anti-marriage and I think you are the only regular champion of marriage and marriage mending on here. And you are correct, Sosuave is not really in the business of saving marriages. We are in the business of getting men laid and giving them game.

On a personal level, I think marriage builders has some sound principles (many of them red pill friendly) and I have even used some in my own relationship. However, I draw the line with "rebuilding" after and affair, and frankly I think MB is way too equaaalllity focused, to the point of encouraging beta cuckold behavior from men. That pop-psych gynocracy "please your wife" tripe is what landed many guys here. I've read the articles:

"How to make your wife happy"
"How to survive and affair"
"Why women leave men"
"Snooping"

This is dangerous beta rhetoric and I cant support it. Furthermore, nowhere on that site (that I have seen) is there ANY warning to men about the massive leverage marriage gives women---financially, economically, and socially. It's absurd, and no one is calling women or society at large out on this sh!t. Everything is skewed in their favor, and they have little and less to lose with much and more to gain from marrying a man. The days are gone when a divorced woman is shamed, jobless, and needy. There are no real consequences (I daresay there are REWARDS for women), and they are collectively allowed to run roughshod over men with impunity when spurned, or when it suits whatever mid-life whimsy they are having.

It's not that I have a problem with "husband and wife". I have a problem with a fully sanctioned idiocracy that gives women unilateral legal POWER to absolutely destroy a man. MB may help heal marriages, but it is not a champion of men, make no mistake.

I would like to be married myself, but I am massively struggling with the legalities and risks involved. I love my gf, and she truly makes my life better. I want to make her my wife, but I also dont want to sign away all my future rights and freedoms. It's a tough choice and it shouldn't be this tough. Men need to see both sides of the war---the broken divorced AND the happily married. Sosuave definitely selects for the broken bitter divorced, so there is a big selection bias here.