wierd thoughts while recovering from one-itis

[MrNiceGuy]

well, I've been ggod this week.. I've managed to avoid the object of my affections for the last 4 days (made easier by the fact that she left town to visit her boyfriend 2 days ago) and, denied of contact with her I'm not stewing over everything she has/hasn't done..

Anyway, obviously I've thought of her a few times... sometimes its in the way I don't want, i.e. missing her company, hating the fact I'm not going out with her, and that maybe shes f*****g her boyfriend right now. When this happens I do my best to do something else and forget about it..

Anyway, other times I'll be reminded of her for some reason but I just won't care.. (again this is expected, its just me slowly realising I don't need her), the thing is sometimes when this happens I find myself trying to think of her in the bad way again (i.e. thinking about how well we get on, how we ought to be together, or of her with her boyfriend etc. etc.) sometimes I succeed in that, other times I don't (ie. no matter how hard I ttry I'm still not bothered) and most of the time I realise what I'm doing realise its stupid and think about something else.. but thats not the point.. Why in the hell am I doing that? Its like I'm trying to test myself to see if I'm over her or not..

Has anyone else experienced this sort of thinking before?

Still at least I seem to be getting over her.. although when I see her again next week (pretty much unavoidable) I may be forced to take a few steps back on the recovery ladder. But thats not my point.. has anyone else found themselves testing themselves when they're trying to get over someone.??

 

[WatchMeWalk]

I feel you, bro. I think of my ex one-itis more often than is healthy for me. But fortunately, these thoughts are accompanied by the grim fact that she is a manipulative, self-serving skank who doesn't have enough fingers to wrap all of her *****-whipped followers around.
When you know the girl is a sh1tty person without any fantasies clouding your thinking, it's easy to keep control.

 

[becker]

MrNiceGuy,

Boy, this story is quite a struggle. I know where you're coming from though. I don't have the same problems as you, since as much as I may have had one-itis before, I tend to be able to brush it aside easier. You need to just try to relax around the girl and generally just be as charismatic as possible and avoid getting too into any deep conversations about relationships unless she initiates them. Part of being attractive is this attitude that you don't need anybody. The less you seem to appear to need a girl, the more they want you.

For example, this one girl who I have absolutely no interest in and she is relentless in pursuing me. I can be pretty charismatic and I am that way with all girls, so I guess that helps too. The key is to make them fall for you and for you to keep yourself from falling for them. Easier said than done, but it's possible, and all in the mind.

 

[numlock]

give it time

a few months from now you'll be kicking yourself for wasting all that time thinking about her

it's natural, but you'll get over it, guaranteed.

 

[MrNiceGuy]

hey don't get me wrong here.. I'm not looking for any more tips about how to get over it.. nor am I in need of supportive responses (although I do appreciate it)
I'm well aware that I'm going to be able to get over her.. and I've stopped stressing about it (i.e. no more thinking how am I possibly going to get over her?)

No the reason I was posting was cos I've found these testing myself thoughts a bit weird.. dont worry, I know how to deal with it.. I just concentrate on thinking about something else or find something else to occupy me, and I was wondering if other people experienced it too

 

[ulsterman]

MrNiceGuy, you are a serious obsessive as far as this chick goes, but I know what it's like because I'm the same if I don't discipline myself. But it's great when you do discipline yourself into not thinking of an erstwhile obsession so slavishly, because it reduces her power over you, even though that power she wields is merely something your emotions have invested in her. If you can train yourself to do this to the extent that it becomes an automatic emotional response, you will be less supine and wussy in her company and therefore more manly. But it's a big IF. Should you really want to forget about this girl - and I am not in the least convinced you do - you will have to stop testing yourself, posting about her, thinking about what she's doing with her boyfriend, etc., and instead focus all your energies on becoming a DJ and finding a fresh target or five.

 

[MrNiceGuy]

So, it isn't normal then.. I'm an emotional freak (kidding)

sod it. You're all right.

No more posting about her at all from now on..

at all

EVER

(fingers crossed)

trust me.. I'll be fine, I've got much better this week allready.

becker, I've realised I have no chance whatsoever of seducing this girl in the 2 months left that we're going to be around each other.... and even if I did have a chance I still doubt she'd want me becuase in just over 2 months time we'll both be leaving this town and living in opposite (well, over 100 miles apart) sides of the country so its not worth ditching her boyfriend for.. so while yes it would be nice for me to suddenly become attractive to her its not my priority.. the priority is not wasting time thinking about her, and becoming attractive to other women....

 

[becker]

MrNiceGuy, in that case, then I'd say don't waste your time, but it's always a tough argument if this girl is someone who is showing some interest and is someone you truly feel like you should be in a LTR with. I hate that feeling.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

I feel your pain bro. It seems like sometimes it's worse other times it doesn't even bother you. I'm going through oneitis as well, but not nearly as bad as yours is. The girl that has me is trying to keep in touch with me. I'm just playing ****y and funny and ******* right now. You know totally making fun of her. You need to be totally uncaring when she is around. Play out scenarios in your mind, that's what helps me. Keep telling yourself that it's her loss not yours, that helps me too. Other than that get busy!!!

 

[Ser_i]

auch... I feel it. it's been about 2 months and 3 weeks ? 3 months ? '

and I catch myself still thinking of her almost on a daily basis. I was so bad in the first month, then I met this other girl and I was thinking less of my ex. It was going great untill I saw her again. and I fell back to the first step.. but after that the fallbacks that I get after seeing her are getting less by time. The thing is she is still messign with me on her own profile page somewhere on the net. and she is putting up all the favourite things of mine as hers aswell and she's changed some of hers to match the things we used to do together, but she tries to ignore me everytime.

it's normal I guess to have these weird feelings. I can't describe it either. the thought of her being with another doesn't bother me anymore cause she'll never get anyone as good as me, and that's something even she knows is true.

just think about the moments you were in control and what she did for you, compare those with the moments what you did for her, when you felt things were going bad. it helps me to wake my self up from falling into thoughts about her.

 

[Ronin I]

Originally posted by MrNiceGuy

Anyway, obviously I've thought of her a few times... sometimes its in the way I don't want, i.e. missing her company, hating the fact I'm not going out with her, and that maybe shes f*****g her boyfriend right now. When this happens I do my best to do something else and forget about it..

Anyway, other times I'll be reminded of her for some reason but I just won't care.. (again this is expected, its just me slowly realising I don't need her), the thing is sometimes when this happens I find myself trying to think of her in the bad way again (i.e. thinking about how well we get on, how we ought to be together, or of her with her boyfriend etc. etc.) sometimes I succeed in that, other times I don't (ie. no matter how hard I ttry I'm still not bothered) and most of the time I realise what I'm doing realise its stupid and think about something else.. but thats not the point.. Why in the hell am I doing that? Its like I'm trying to test myself to see if I'm over her or not..

Has anyone else experienced this sort of thinking before?

Ok - this is all very normal and healthy in my opinion. I went throught the same sorts of things. If you are trying to think of her in the "bad way" it is partly because you don't want to let go. I would urge you to take a step back and think about what you are thinking when you "don't care".

As a rational and logical (albeit flawed) being you can take a step back and evaluate your own thought patterns (as you are doing) and you realize that you are to a degree, forcing yourself to think a certain way. Why? That's the hard part to figure out.

When I was trying to get over my one-itis I would force myself to REALLY see her flaws. I knew being hung up on this one person was unhealthy so I knew I needed to force myself to get over it. BUT I was determined to remain rational and logical about it. (ie I wasn't going to let myself grow to despise or hate her - that would be the easy way out- the way that a woman usually goes). If a woman is hung up on a guy and he doesn't share the same feelings all to often the guy becomes an a$$hole in her eyes. The only way she can get over him is by irrationally belittling him to the point where she can't consciously obsess over him anymore because he just isn't "worth" it.

Rather than learning or training yourself to belittle and dislike the other person in order to quench the obsession I advise you to learn to love yourself. When you do that, you will realise you owe it to yourself to be happy - and only then will you seek out healthy relationships with other women.

 

[MrNiceGuy]

Re: Re: wierd thoughts while recovering from one-itis

Ok, I know I said I wouldn't post about her again, and I'm not, I'm posting about me. I'm no longer worried about how I'm going to get over her or anything like that, cos I think I've got it sorted, and it won't be a problem. I just want to respond to some of these points.. which are pretty much spot on...

Originally posted by Ronin I
I would urge you to take a step back and think about what you are thinking when you "don't care". ..........

....... I advise you to learn to love yourself. When you do that, you will realise you owe it to yourself to be happy - and only then will you seek out healthy relationships with other women.

Yeah, I've been doing that already, essentially, I'll think, and be like.. "why in the hell have I got so worked up about this.. shes just one person.. I was doing fine before I met her, she's not that special, there are other women out there." and thats not me telling myself that.. thats what I'm actually thinking and believing. I know I've no reason to be unhappy about things, and theres no reason why I can't go meet other women.

As a rational and logical (albeit flawed) being you can take a step back and evaluate your own thought patterns (as you are doing) and you realize that you are to a degree, forcing yourself to think a certain way. Why? That's the hard part to figure out.

Essentially its all my own fault.. and I know exactly why I fell so badly for her.. essentially shes the first girl I'd met in the last 4 years that I'd really wanted to go out with, ok its my own fault for not trying hard enough with new people but, I'd not met anyone at all that I really liked.
And then she came along.. and we got on really well and it was amazing I'd finally met someone who I really wanted to be in a LTR with, and I thought she might want to be with me.. and while working up the courage to ask her out (I'd still not discovered this site at the time and I'd not discovered she had a boyfriend) I ran through lots of little fantasies involving the two of us together.. Essentially I'd not had anyone to care for for along time, so when I met her I went a bit overboard. I remember telling one of my friends about her, he said you seem pretty hung up on her.. I said "yeah, I'm scared to ask her out, its a bit annoying, I don't know what to do.. but its kind of exciting, I've not faniced anyone for ages, not properly." It was exciting falling head over heels for her, so I think yeah, I encouraged the feelings. I know now I shouldn't have done that!

I'm not going to let this happen again.. at least certainly not with someone who I haven't even started any sort of relationship with. I'll be asking for a number at the soonest opportunity next time I meet someone I'm even vaguely attracted to, and I think thanks to this site I'll be able to do that. If they're not interested I'll look elsewhere.

Let me stress again.. I'm on the road to recovery.. this isn't another bleeding heart post.. I really think I'm going to be able to get through this now.. I'm only posting cos I'm bored and I thought Ronins post was spot on, don't feel like you need to post more tips for me..

and finally good luck to everyone else struggling with one-itis.. you will get over it.. and you can learn from your mistakes!