Why is no contact so hard and what to do about it?

[lexa]

Having read "the rational male" by by Rollo Tomass, it is truly an eye opener.

Especially it lets me see while there is no "LJBF" speech, the fact is that the girl I hang out with had no doubt friendzoned me and see me as beta orbiter.

I honestly thought I could just be her friend but in truth, Men and woman really cant be friends, especially if she ever decided to get into a serious relationship.

As I see it, the only option really is no contact, not doing it in the hope of getting her to change her view of me but really give myself room to grow and ditch the AFC personality and start spinning plates. But why is it so hard?

This girl and I were going to hang out this week and then I was going to start the no contact. She cancelled today because of an genuine personal matter which is fair enough. But my first instinct was to offered to help her which I resisted and basically wish her the best and said "need to go, bye".

But I feel gullity? And all I could think about whether I should wish her luck on the day, and when I see her online, all I want is to msg her.

So far I resisted the temptation. But what if she msg me again? Do I ignore it?
or just go with short answer and then say bye. It just seems rude..

 

[VikingKing]

because, when you allow yourself to become emotionally attached to a person, or even an idea, when you get cut off, or cut yourself off from your source of ego validation you feel panicked.

Cut all contact, and ignore all contacts she attempts. Most likely she is doing it for ego validation, to keep you chasing. Women don't have there own self esteems (some men don't either) so she needs validation from an external source.

Just go cold turkey, the sooner you do the sooner you will heal and get over it.

Never feel guilty, you probably did nothing wrong.

I know this because I was the mean scary mother fvcker, I was rough on my ex's.

 

[Crownife]

You need other *****es messaging you, vice versa.

 

[VladPatton]

It may be appear rude now, but when she friend-zones you tells you how cool it was when her new bf blew a load in her face, how will you feel? You think she'll care about your feelings then? She won't, and she'll even make you feel guilty about it! The feeling of rudeness will subside once you get used to it and realize it's for your own good and mental sanity.

 

[GotED?]

No Contact is difficult as a man if you THINK you have no other options, or have low self-esteem/image of who you are (as a non-DJ obviously). You need to get your arse out in the dating scene and go on dates and dates and dates. Reinvent your wardrobe (look at the STICKY first thread in Mature Men section) and be excited.

I have applied NC my whole life - to me (yes, rest of you dicck heads can sh!t on my party here for not spinning plates) it is actually RESPECT for the next woman that I allow into my life into a relationship without 'backdoors' left open. I rarely seldom date women who have any EXs still hanging around, those are 'backdoors' I do not allow myself to get involved with these women, because I am offering to the woman something she can not offer me: RESPECT of starting a new relationship without any past emotional baggage strings attached.

Noobology was spot on - you need to emotionally DETACH yourself 100% if you are a straight walking relationship type of man. Women like to BRANCH swing from boyfriend to boyfriend, even if it is ONLY emotionally. She will cut you off in a heartbeat once she find another sucker to emotionally vampire out of. Women overall are little girls in adult meat suit - they are so much more weak emotionally I believe.

Better that you move on with your life immediately. Be a MAN - own up to your decision to have a break-up, and be the leader to inspire your EX to be a man of your own words and take the lead to start a new life, not just for you, but for her. Because she sure ain't gonna have any leadership skills.

Good luck.

Exodus

 

[mikey2012]

because, when you allow yourself to become emotionally attached to a person, or even an idea, when you get cut off, or cut yourself off from your source of ego validation you feel panicked.

Cut all contact, and ignore all contacts she attempts. Most likely she is doing it for ego validation, to keep you chasing. Women don't have there own self esteems (some men don't either) so she needs validation from an external source.

Just go cold turkey, the sooner you do the sooner you will heal and get over it.

Never feel guilty, you probably did nothing wrong.

This is the only way. Being friends will just lower your value in her eyes and your self respect. If you are the prize there is no such thing. Concentrate on being better and improve yourself. This is your ultimate goal. Don't be a Slave to some batch.

 

[mikey2012]

No Contact is difficult as a man if you THINK you have no other options, or have low self-esteem/image of who you are (as a non-DJ obviously). You need to get your arse out in the dating scene and go on dates and dates and dates. Reinvent your wardrobe (look at the STICKY first thread in Mature Men section) and be excited.

I have applied NC my whole life - to me (yes, rest of you dicck heads can sh!t on my party here for not spinning plates) it is actually RESPECT for the next woman that I allow into my life into a relationship without 'backdoors' left open. I rarely seldom date women who have any EXs still hanging around, those are 'backdoors' I do not allow myself to get involved with these women, because I am offering to the woman something she can not offer me: RESPECT of starting a new relationship without any past emotional baggage strings attached.

Noobology was spot on - you need to emotionally DETACH yourself 100% if you are a straight walking relationship type of man. Women like to BRANCH swing from boyfriend to boyfriend, even if it is ONLY emotionally. She will cut you off in a heartbeat once she find another sucker to emotionally vampire out of. Women overall are little girls in adult meat suit - they are so much more weak emotionally I believe.

Better that you move on with your life immediately. Be a MAN - own up to your decision to have a break-up, and be the leader to inspire your EX to be a man of your own words and take the lead to start a new life, not just for you, but for her. Because she sure ain't gonna have any leadership skills.

Good luck.

Exodus

Well said. You need to have a military lack detachment, a coldness to the situation. If a member of your unit dies you must not wallow you must move forward and complete the mission. Go better yourself. Don't let yourself be dependent on some cvnt for your well being. You will be living life of misery. But some people can't Let go so NC is hard. Read the thread on cheating wife in married man forum. But then again not everyone is a Navy seal.

 

[skinnyguy]

only pvssies go no contact. the only reason you would go no contact is to make the girl interested in you, which at the end of the day is pedestalizing. you should do exactly what makes you happy. if it means texting her, then do it. at this point you have nothing to lose anyway.

 

[lexa]

Yeah, I see the point about emotional investment. Is hard to cut losses and run.

I spent so much time and effort on her, listened to her problem, buying her dinner etc etc and in reality all I got in return is her msg me 'u ok?' Or "good day?" I feel like I have to entertain her. Feel like a lot of work tbh.

The really sad fact is i used to firlt with quite a few girl at the same time, texting me etc, may be nothing really happened with them but It was fun and I feels good about myself. But with this ljbf girl. I seems to have loss that ability and these other girl have almost find me repulsive now.

Anyway, will go NC now. Turned off chat so she won't see me online, stopped following on FB so I won't see her status. Deleted her number. Won't reply her txt unless very important and will keep it very brief. Won't hang out with her even if she invites me to. About right?

Will start learning some PU skills now. Any tips on where to start? Dress better, look better, storytelling, teasing?

Cheers for keeping me sane guys.

 

[PlayHer Man]

Yeah, I see the point about emotional investment. Is hard to cut losses and run.

I spent so much time and effort on her, listened to her problem, buying her dinner etc etc and in reality all I got in return is her msg me 'u ok?' Or "good day?" I feel like I have to entertain her. Feel like a lot of work tbh.

The really sad fact is i used to firlt with quite a few girl at the same time, texting me etc, may be nothing really happened with them but It was fun and I feels good about myself. But with this ljbf girl. I seems to have loss that ability and these other girl have almost find me repulsive now.

Anyway, will go NC now. Turned off chat so she won't see me online, stopped following on FB so I won't see her status. Deleted her number. Won't reply her txt unless very important and will keep it very brief. Won't hang out with her even if she invites me to. About right?

Will start learning some PU skills now. Any tips on where to start? Dress better, look better, storytelling, teasing?

Cheers for keeping me sane guys.

Why is it so hard? --> Because of the rookie mistakes most men make with women.

The first mistake men make is worrying too much about what they give a woman and not enough about what a woman gives THEM. Men should spin plates and put sex before relationships. Its the man's job to seek sex and a woman's job to grow a relationship. Men who seek relationships first are cheap. Just like women who seek sex first.

Most men jump into new relationships with both feet, giving a lot of themselves while requiring nothing of the woman. The man gets heavily invested while the woman has made ZERO investment. Then the man finds himself bonded to a woman who is not attracted to him and only views him as a beta orbiter (AKA friend). :crackup:

Men.. you always need to flirt, touch and make your sexual intentions clear EARLY. Women are quick to label men and once a man shows he is too chicken-sh!t to make a sexual move he is quickly labeled as a "friend".

 

[lexa]

Broke the rule of NC and paying for it.

After me being distance, she sent me a playful msg and I couldn't resist sending one back. But she sees it as me being rude to her. Had a argument so I defriend her FB, she of course she asks why am I such as kid and said 'I love you my friend' etc so I sent her a more detail msg and I mentioned she only keeps me around cos I do things for her, she took offend and somehow she make me feel guilty for saying it and she is now the one going NC on me.

The good news is this probably will be the last I will ever speak to her, although I feel even worst then ever before. All the excitement and positive energy I had from going NC is gone.

The moral of the story is they really will try drag you back. Don't be temped cos it won't do you any good. If anyone decided to go NC, stick to it.

 

[teddy]

It may be appear rude now, but when she friend-zones you tells you how cool it was when her new bf blew a load in her face, how will you feel? You think she'll care about your feelings then? She won't, and she'll even make you feel guilty about it! The feeling of rudeness will subside once you get used to it and realize it's for your own good and mental sanity.

I can attest to this. Not the blowing load part, but the part where she'll make you feel guilty about it, when I know that if the roles were reversed she'd do the same and have no qualms.

 

[teddy]

Broke the rule of NC and paying for it.

After me being distance, she sent me a playful msg and I couldn't resist sending one back. But she sees it as me being rude to her. Had a argument so I defriend her FB, she of course she asks why am I such as kid and said 'I love you my friend' etc so I sent her a more detail msg and I mentioned she only keeps me around cos I do things for her, she took offend and somehow she make me feel guilty for saying it and she is now the one going NC on me.

The good news is this probably will be the last I will ever speak to her, although I feel even worst then ever before. All the excitement and positive energy I had from going NC is gone.

The moral of the story is they really will try drag you back. Don't be temped cos it won't do you any good. If anyone decided to go NC, stick to it.

That's ok, I did the same thing. Actually, mine was worse--we had already planned on meeting up for something we bought tickets for before this whole business happened, so I had to check with her if she was still going (so that I could make my plans). Of course, she said she was going, then flaked, then never heard from her again.

All that matters is your perception. You had that positive energy and excitement because your mind was looking forward to getting better. It's your ego that's bruised right now, but the ego is worthless. The same thing happened to you now as then, but you're perceiving it differently. Go back to perceiving it as you going NC on her and continue your life.

 

[Jariel]

There's something quite twisted how girls can dump us and then somehow managed to make us feel guilty.

I've been there myself, many times and I got caught in the same trap with my ex. It got to the point where I was blaming myself for everything and ended up writing a long and apologetic letter.

I look back now and I cringe! She manipulated me and I fell for it.

Women are very good at pulling the damsel in distress act, and you know, it's actually a well known seduction/manipulation tactic among women, just like "hard to get" and "hot and cold".

Best thing you can do to help with No Contact is to delete her number, her email address (and emails), block her from Facebook and other social media. I've heard so many excuses from guys who don't do this, but if you really want to help yourself, you need to take it seriously.

I've done this twice with my ex and never once have I initiated contact. The only reason I broke no contact was because she contacted me and told me she loved me and missed me etc...and I made a huge mistake there and wished I'd just stayed no contact. Everyone does in the end.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Equally important is to remove all gifts and physical reminders and don't play any music that you liked together. Essentially remove all reminders in order to move forward. This can feel "wrong" to many men as it feels like avoidance and like you're not facing things head-on. I've learned though that removing all traces of her is actually proactively taking control of the situation.

 

[Cremasta]

No contact is only hard when you hope it will achieve something other than never talking to the girl again.

If you're expecting it to be some magical technique to make a girl beg to be in your presence, you'll probably be disappointed. If it does, that's a bonus, but you have to start NC expecting you'll never see the girl again.

 

[Jariel]

No contact is only hard when you hope it will achieve something other than never talking to the girl again.

If you're expecting it to be some magical technique to make a girl beg to be in your presence, you'll probably be disappointed. If it does, that's a bonus, but you have to start NC expecting you'll never see the girl again.

Absolutely spot on!

You see, the one thing that makes a break up harder to handle than a bereavement in many cases is that hope!

When a person dies, it is tragic and painful, but you have no choice other than to accept it. You can't bring them back, you can't change anything and you're never going to get a call or text from the deceased loved on, so your mind is forced to into acceptance.

With a break up, not only are you dealing with the grief of losing the most intimate person in your life, but you are dealing with a wounded ego, the pain of rejection, lack of understanding and left with so many questions. But for most of us, we still cling to that thread of hope that that person will come back to us and we just can't bring ourselves to accept it's over.

I would guess that most of us go no contact as a hope of getting her back. I did and 2 months in I got the message I'd been hoping for, where she poured out her feelings for me and said she'd give anything to be with me again...but then as soon as I played into it, she withdrew again and said it wouldn't work out.

The worst part of this is that in those 2 months of No Contact, I was starting to forget about winning her back and I had started to recover! I was doing much better, and then she gave me that hope again and played with my mind and emotions and I sank to the lowest point since the break up. If I'd just ignored her message and focused on No Contact as a form of healing, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and confusion.

Once I got back to no contact the 2nd time I realised it was all about me and my recovery. I've been dating, spinning plates and getting back to the man I used to be. It's the best I've felt for a long time!

 

[GotED?]

Equally important is to remove all gifts and physical reminders and don't play any music that you liked together. Essentially remove all reminders in order to move forward. This can feel "wrong" to many men as it feels like avoidance and like you're not facing things head-on. I've learned though that removing all traces of her is actually proactively taking control of the situation.

+1 repped, spot on (sorry, gotta spread some ass around before raping you again).

EXTINGUISH HER MUTHA FUKKA EXISTANCE LIKE A KLINGON PHOTON TORPEDO RIGHT INTO HER VAGINAAA AURIC FIELD.

Capt PicardMyAss Exodus Outta Here.

 

[lexa]

So today I notice the only time I wasn't thinking about her was when I was doing stuff other than relating to girls such as when I was focusing on work or hanging out with friends.

I mean I was reading art of seduction, all I could think about was how I should have applied it on her and then the process of missing, sad etc etc.

So may be in addition to what you guys suggested, It might be good to do things other then girls related until she no longer matters then start learning about the applications of game.

No doubt a new girl is the best way to cure the past but since it is mostly the lack of game that got to the point of having to go NC. learning game at this point would almost be learning it for her which in turn give us hope on her?

umm... thinking that actually made me start to not care about her, at least for now anyway lol