Why is neediness so unattractive?

[SamTheHobit]

So why is it unattractive? Thoughts?

 

[SamTheHobit]

Does this need to be answered?

It would be nice to know.

 

[Suspens]

Economic principles apply to the dating market.

 

[narcissist]

Okay, I'll bite...

Neediness is only unattractive to a woman who is uninterested in you.

Neediness comes across as "cute", "soooo sweet", and "adorable" to a woman who finds you irresistible.

Only for a little while though. Neediness goes all the way down to the evolutionary biology of humans, so if you as a man, are needy it shows that you do not have other options, and as a result this sends out the message that you may not be a good mate, inevitably activating the woman's neurocognitive mechanisms that play on sexual selection, causing her to lose attraction and search for another mate.

Evolutionarily speaking, women are supposed to look for a secure mate (because for them they are investing a lot more energy into producing offspring [9 months + taking care of kid]), while men are able to go and reproduce copiously (they can theoretically fvck and reproduce thousands of times in a year). Unfortunately for modern dating, these evolutionary mechanisms are still engrained in our biology and as a result causes major conflict with our natural dispositions for sexual selection and the overall ideology of 21st century dating.

To activate the attraction aspect of women you have to portray yourself as (or actually become) the type of guy that gets a lot of women, to hit those natural dispositions of "oh he's a good mate"

 

[Poon King]

A better question is WHY WOULD IT BE ATTRACTIVE?

I think its unattractive for every obvious reasons. At the end of the day women are hypergamous and care only about what a man can do for them. A needy person is a taker not a giver. Women are attracted to men who improve their lives or PROVIDE something for them. In other words.. men who can GIVE them something. From a woman's perspective, what is attractive about someone who will just drain you and provides nothing in return?

Remember that women believe they are more important than men. They believe their time and their lives are more valuable. This is why they EXPECT men to play cannon fodder, protect them and fight for their honor. Men are disposable. A needy man is useless to a woman.

 

[amazingswayze]

although a good answer poon king, i feel like you say the same thing over and over again.

to me, it's simple. don't take it for face value, OP. think about what neediness SUBCOMMUNICATES. it's a very subtle way of saying you're not attractive. "hey, youre out of my league, and i dont get laid often, r u dtf???"

 

[Konada]

I'll bite. Neediness is not necessarily a bad thing for women seeking security in finding a stable provider. However, its a red flag (I think) of a man being unable to remain in his emotional center when things go awry. Its a underlying indicator that this man is prone to acts of violence, loss of self-control (which in any sane human's mind is dangerous) when he meets difficulties. Hardly the ROCK any woman is looking for.

 

[zekko]

I don't think neediness is all that unattractive in a woman, unless it's to the point where it's annoying.

For a male, though, men are supposed to be strong, a rock. Neediness implies that he has weaknesses, and that he has few options. Attractive women have options, so they can't relate to the guy who has no options. That guy has to be a loser in their eyes.

 

[aforabi]

Because "neediness" implies that you do not have other option!

Just imagine, ten HOT chicks (10/10) chasing you. Would you ever feel "needy"?

Its the "scarcity" mentality ...

Just look at pro athletes, rockers, politicians, CEOs, business owners, doctors, and engineers ... they never settle for any one "particular" chick at first because they are hitting on tons of chicks ...

How to convert from a needy to a MAN with plenty of option?

Well, you need to think just the OPPOSITE, because as you think, you shall become ... Visualize yourself being chased my 10 HOT chicks and meditate on it (I usually meditate on this every morning), and you know what? Thoughts that are really strong in your mind has no option but to manifest themselves into reality...

That is why i love this forum. It's about self-development (self-investment) and then about dating ...

You make yourself attractive first, make yourself happy, live life, and then go after the chick ... but most people do the other way - i.e. go after the girl and have no clue what to do with them ...

 

[Reykhel]

So why is it unattractive? Thoughts?

...because neediness impedes on one's sense of freedom...

and correct me if I'm wrong, but freedom is valued very highly by humankind

you try to take away my freedom....and you watch me fvcking rebel and the flames burn
on the backs of your children

 

[Poon King]

although a good answer poon king, i feel like you say the same thing over and over again.

to me, it's simple. don't take it for face value, OP. think about what neediness SUBCOMMUNICATES. it's a very subtle way of saying you're not attractive. "hey, youre out of my league, and i dont get laid often, r u dtf???"

Why would I say anything different?

I say the same thing over and over again because the morons on this site still don't get it. Once everyone wakes up.. maybe I'll say something different.

 

[IASGame]

Is oxygen attractive? Does it arouse you?
And yet if you go without it you die quickly.

You don't usually "want" something if you actually "need" it.

I don't want to be with someone that needs me, I want the woman to want me.
I think this is why it hurts for a Beta to realize he is a Beta Bucks rather than an Alpha F: it means the woman doesn't "want" you, she "needs" you / your resources.

I think women also subconsciously realize that if you "need" her (rather than "want" her) they don't get validation or get a different validation. She may start thinking of you as offspring rather than someone to make offspring with (and you don't want her to think about you that way).

Some (codependent?) women do like needy men and presumably get unhealthily attached to their kids if they have them.

 

[Mr Wright]

I see it like this. Women are lazy, they tend to like guys who other girls like, they don't want to spend the time for themselves to work out if a guy is worth being involved with. Hence the power of jealously and social proof as an attraction tool, if you turn up to any venue with hot girls, other girls will take notice. If you're needy, you clearly don't have attention from other females so she will take from this that you are not an attractive guy and not worth being involved with.

 

[skinnyguy]

Neediness implies low value.

Let's close the thread now.

 

[3agle 3yes]

If you have to ask op, I'm probably guessing you're having this problem?

Arguments like "if a woman is interested in you she would find your neediness "cute"" are absolute bs. Physical attractiveness isn't everything, especially for women.

Neediness of course is a symptom of low self-esteem. So it is not so much a problem in itself, but the unattractiveness lies in what neediness implies.

So why is neediness unattractive?

1) When you are needy, you are saying, “I am not worthy of you, and I do not feel like you would really want me.” It reeks of low self-confidence. How appealing do you think that is to a woman?

We're hard wired to want things that others desire and that are difficult to obtain.

2) Needy people are energy draining. Needy people are 100% more likely to see the negatives in things. Who wants to spend time with someone who's always moaning? They get down easily and constantly seek other people's energy. Worst of all they are constantly protecting their ego, meaning they won't put themselves in uncomfortable situations and they must always win arguments, need constant praise and are possessive. Women want a man who can protect them, not a man who needs protecting.

3) Needy people have no backbone, no preferences and no values. Who wants to be involved with someone who would change their opinions, tastes or style so people would like them more? Women don't want to be with men their friends and others will laugh at and use as the butt of their jokes.

4) Needy people are boring. They tend to have no personality and don't take any risks for fear of rejection. They tend to play everything safe and are too afraid of having new experiences... If there is one thing women love more than anything else it's new experiences, things that make you memorable and that make you stand out from the average man...needy men don't have this.

 

[SamTheHobit]

If you have to ask op, I'm probably guessing you're having this problem?

Arguments like "if a woman is interested in you she would find your neediness "cute"" are absolute bs. Physical attractiveness isn't everything, especially for women.

Neediness of course is a symptom of low self-esteem. So it is not so much a problem in itself, but the unattractiveness lies in what neediness implies.

So why is neediness unattractive?

1) When you are needy, you are saying, “I am not worthy of you, and I do not feel like you would really want me.” It reeks of low self-confidence. How appealing do you think that is to a woman?

We're hard wired to want things that others desire and that are difficult to obtain.

2) Needy people are energy draining. Needy people are 100% more likely to see the negatives in things. Who wants to spend time with someone who's always moaning? They get down easily and constantly seek other people's energy. Worst of all they are constantly protecting their ego, meaning they won't put themselves in uncomfortable situations and they must always win arguments, need constant praise and are possessive. Women want a man who can protect them, not a man who needs protecting.

3) Needy people have no backbone, no preferences and no values. Who wants to be involved with someone who would change their opinions, tastes or style so people would like them more? Women don't want to be with men their friends and others will laugh at and use as the butt of their jokes.

4) Needy people are boring. They tend to have no personality and don't take any risks for fear of rejection. They tend to play everything safe and are too afraid of having new experiences... If there is one thing women love more than anything else it's new experiences, things that make you memorable and that make you stand out from the average man...needy men don't have this.

Thanks for the concise breakdown of
neediness. So what would be your suggestion to stop or prevent oneself from being needy?

N
Thanks for everyone else taking the time to reply, some interesting replies.

 

[SamTheHobit]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-craig-malkin/neediness_b_2116608.html

Interesting article on why some people are needy.

 

[resilient]

It's the double standard, men for the most part actually like needy women that appreciate them, women hate men that appreciate them

I found that to be true in my marriage. The more I cleaned up or helped around the house, or did thoughtful things like pick something out at the store that she liked, like her favorite candy bar or her favorite secret menu Jamba Juice item, the more she seemed to disrespect me in subtle ways. I think there's a balance that needs to be at play here. Women shouldn't be ignored completely or disrespected, but at the same time they shouldn't be over pursued as well. Us DJs gotta have an interesting life that doesn't revolve around the relationship. A man who knows what he wants and where's he going in life doesn't have time to be needy.

 

[Tictac]

It's the double standard, men for the most part actually like needy women that appreciate them, women hate men that appreciate them

______

Speak for yourself. I have no use for clingy, needy women.

 

[JohnyTheArrow]

A better question is WHY WOULD IT BE ATTRACTIVE?

I think its unattractive for every obvious reasons. At the end of the day women are hypergamous and care only about what a man can do for them. A needy person is a taker not a giver. Women are attracted to men who improve their lives or PROVIDE something for them. In other words.. men who can GIVE them something. From a woman's perspective, what is attractive about someone who will just drain you and provides nothing in return?

Remember that women believe they are more important than men. They believe their time and their lives are more valuable. This is why they EXPECT men to play cannon fodder, protect them and fight for their honor. Men are disposable. A needy man is useless to a woman.

PK is spot on.It is actually very simple.

You think you are 'human' by showing neediness but for woman you look like a 'child'.You need her like you would be a child.You drain emotional energy out of her which is reserved for children.Perfect man doesnt need her, he gives her ego boost,emotional support,money,status etc ... Thats why women HATE needy men, they are 'leechers' who drain resources reserved for her or children.Thats why women love men who focus on themselves, man focused on getting better means more resources for her and children.