Why is my confidence so low?

[TakenDirectly]

I'm realizing how crappy a lot of the people that surround me are. Family was never really good. Mom n Dad liked to tear me down and they were abusive. So were a lot of my foster parents. Co-workers always seem to pick on me. I don't really have many friends and it sucks to realize how much my life sucks. Today at work I saw how everyone was picking on me. For no reason and all I could do was just smile and do my best to shrug it off. I didn't want it to look like it affected me, but damn I'm so sick of it. I can't punch anyone I never feel fast enough for the snappy comebacks and I could never figure out why I can't find enough strength in myself to just let it all go. What is it that gives you guys your confidence? How is it so many of you can keep going even after being affected by others in a negative way? I know I don't deserve to be treated like this, but why does it happen?

 

[War Against Betaism]

It has to do with a lot of things but you're not going to be picked on unless there is a reason to pick on you. Try to isolate that reason and then come back to us.

 

[Zooey]

It happens because you let it happen.

I know because I used to let it happen. Back in intermediate (middle school), despite the fact I was smart, good at sport etc I was picked on. Sometimes randomly by people in the street. Even younger kids would try and pick fights. My solution was to shave my curly hair off, and take up a martial art. Two years down the track I noticed a change: people had stopped hassling me; I was getting respect; I wasn't getting picked on except when horseplaying around with my mates where inevitably it's a two-way thing.

Now while I could attribute this change to picking up a martial art directly, and could point you in the same direction, the real reason for the change was the things that learning a martial art gave me. Things you could learn independently.

The way I carried myself. The more I got picked on, the more I'd look like an easy target because I'd retreat into myself. I looked like I'd let people give me crap and let people beat me up. The confidence that I could defend myself led to me carrying myself in a relaxed, upright, graceful manner. I looked in control of myself. Perhaps going to the gym, or even looking up articles on correct posture would help.

In terms of gaining confidence, take up something. Something you do for yourself. Whatever it is. As you work on it, and get better you'll start feeling better about yourself. You'll know that you can achieve, and you'll start to have faith in your own worth. This will radiate from you without having to walk around telling people about it.

Now in terms of dealing with the actual bullying, criticism, whatever. You can start by letting people know it isn't on. You don't need snappy comebacks at the moment. Those come in time. Letting people know it isn't on, you don't like it, and you won't take it comes with having a bit of self-respect.

There is no magic bullet line that works. But I will say this. Don't make their problem yours. Don't say: "you're hurting my feelings." say, "what's your problem?" tell people you don't like it, but don't then dilute your message by explaining yourself. "That was uncalled for mate." "STFU before kick your knees out" also works.

Remember you haven't said anything before so they're probably unaware that it's affecting you. maybe even a "hey guys, cut it out" will work. They might go, "settle down, we're joking" to which you can tell them you don't think it's funny and you'd like them to stop. Remain calm while your doing this. Remember to control your breathing. I know it sounds funny but many people hyperventilate when they get into conflict.

Now, whenever someone disrespects me (seriously) or one of my friends, or my g/f, I just give them a look. Don't smile, just glare at them pointedly, then ignore them.

Geez that was long. Hope it helps somewhat. Obviously my answers aren't definitive but they worked very well for me.

 

[slickaz]

Because you touch yourself at night.

yo thats absolutely uncalled for...the dude is here trying to figurue some deep sh!t out and you're being a n a55 about it.

OP:
Confidence is described as self assuredness, it is tied in with self esteem.
i.e: self-esteem reflects a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of her or his own worth.

You need to increase that and take up things and challenges that will increase your overall evaluation of yourself. like sport, gym, take up some study or courses that will increase your worth in the system.

Education makes or breaks your income and if you're interested in something, even say building or digging, do courses in that and excell, make good money in whichever line you take.
when you have the money, youre whole perspective in life switches, you can afford that nice shirt or a good make over for your hair etc.

the reason people love to pick on other people is to feel good about themselves by showing the faults in other ppl, even if the faults dont really exist. but when they see that you've come up and you're doing good now with your style and clothes, people start to know you have an attitude and your character is changed for the better. they try to find faults to make fun of you but as you get better, those chances are slimmer.

go to the gym, eat good and healthy food, make networks and friends, take up a sport.
make ALOT of friends..always be open to people you meet and dont judge them on face value. some of the nicest best freinds i have are the guys that are not rich or flossed up.
plus, the more friends you have, the more options you have to go go hangw ith people that treat you right, and the more chances you have of meeting more people.


you need to stop looking at your past blaming everyone who has messed u up. yeh its happened already you cant do much about it.

as for how we rise and walk when someone tries to push us down...
its just self confidence and esteem, pride and knowledge...atleast for me its.

the fact that i know! i bring seriously good sh!t to the table and most times in my mind, i bring the best sh!t to any table..

its a mindset, you need to know inside you that you are the best you can be..
change your mindset. dont give up and push for your goals..

as for comebacks..dude you gotta read books, watch comedy shows and learn...on your down time take a look at the people that mock you most, find their flaws..and when they mess with you again, belt out their flaws back at em..

or!

you could be the better man, and after you've made yourself to who you want to be..you can tell em..coz what they say doesnt bother you, you got your goals set and every second you waste picking out how fat the dude is or how his job sucks, or how his girlfriend was really at your house last night on her knees wit u leaving a billboard size hole in her face..you're losing money and it just aint worth it.

fix yourself first inside..then outside..then people will pick on you less.

if you're hit, you have to get up and walk, dust yourself off and go again..thats life..girls will turn you down..so what..has that negatively affected your bank account? no..then it shouldnt bother you..

 

[MascaraSnake]

I honestly can't explain it...

I've always been a slight bit arrogant, but in HS I was the poster child of an AFC. Having a near-abusive family life didn't help matters much.

About a year ago I got my $hi7 together and changed my outlook...I can see myself having anyone I want now, basically. While I only lost my V-card a month ago, I can usually strike up a good, semi-flirty conversation with ANY girl if I'm comfy enough with the situation. I also read quite a bit, so I come off as knowledgable (and not a classless douche trying to get laid).

 

[Zooey]

Well said slickaz.

 

[DJDamage]

What is it that gives you guys your confidence? How is it so many of you can keep going even after being affected by others in a negative way? I know I don't deserve to be treated like this, but why does it happen?

It happens because you are weak and you let people push you around. You are kinda used to it by now so you are not used to standing up for yourself.

I won't lie to you, it takes time to build confidence and it comes from experience and age. I used to be picked on by coworkers/classmates as well when I was younger because I was shy tall and skinny. Therefore one day I decided that I had it and wrote down the following:

a) what I want to improve my life: I wanted respect, I wanted to feel big and powerful and I wanted women to want and lust me (they ignored me and some even laughed at me).

B) ways I could improve my situation: Idealy how much time and money I can set aside to work on my weaknesses ( shy, skinny, no confidence). Got myself a gym membership started to work out like mad. Bought new cloths, got a stylish cut, completley changed my outlook in life and my interactions with people. I highly recommand that you read (if you haven't done so): Weapons of Mass Seduction:

http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/Downloads/wms.pdf

Today I am completley different person then the pathetic sad turd that I was before (yes you too will be disgusted with the old you when you change, once you start to really seriously work hard on wanting to change yourself for the better).

Good luck.

 

[snowdog]

First of all you sound depressed, man. I don't think anyone here realized that. "Let you push you around bla bla"... all good stuff for the average shy kid... but you truly had a f*cked up childhood with abusive parents and sh*t. You really should go find someone professional to talk to. Seriously.

I had a sh*tty childhood as well, but on a whole different level. No matter what I tried I couldn't "get" it how to deal with girls. I read everything that was available, including this site. And believe me, I tried hard, but nothing worked for me. Then I went to a shrink. He's currently helping me accepting and coping with my problems.

It truly formed me into a whole different person already, and I'm not even done with it. Now I'm getting things in my head straight, dealing with girls almost has become a natural thing. It truly improved my life.


Think about it man, it's nothing to be ashamed of. You had a bad childhood, it's not like you could help it. Accepting and coping with that isn't something you can do alone.

I cried in front of that guy. I told everything, every emberrasing detail about my ruined childhood. And boy, do I feel good afterwards. These people are truly brain-doctors. I could never, ever have dealt with this on my own.


PM me if you want to talk about it. And please, ignore any negative comment you find on here. It's not worth your time. I always just skip over them, lol.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

The first resort of the insecure is to project faults and insecurities onto others in order to feel better about themselves. Do not accept this.


Law 10: Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky
You can die from someone else's misery— emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

Law 25: Re-Create Yourself
Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define it for you. Incorporate dramatic devices into your public gestures and actions— your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life.

The root of confidence is developing, recognizing and acknowledging as many personal options as possible. Any effort you'd expend on revenge is a wasted opportunity to better yourself. Indifference to detractors and personal success are a far better revenge than any one sided injury you could inflict on them in return.

 

[Alle_Gory]

Alot of the things you mentioned like co-workers picking on you... they're douchebags.

They do that because of your low confidence. They screw with you because they can. Your body language reads: WEAK. This leads to lower confidence, which leads them to pick on you.

Alot of the things you are experiencing happened gradually through cycles like the one above. You noticed the problem when it snowballed out of control.

Im guessing you're probably depressed. You need to fix that, at least temporary. St Johns Wort extract, and Theanine will make you feel better, you can always drink green tea as an alternative (real green tea). This is something that you take for at least a year because its herbal, so its not very potent. Needs time to accumulate in your body.

When you feel better, you will act better, and you will think better. This will lead to a new cycle... a good one. But you've got to pull yourself out of this sh*t environment, and its going to take some work, and energy. Gradually.

The herbal stuff can help, but it wont solve the problem.

I know because I'm on what i mentioned. Started awhile ago.

Part of the solution, to not letting the bad get you down, is to not focus on it. When it happens, analyze it. Can you do something about it later? Good. Then do it. If not, don't worry about it. Focus on the positive when possible.



Also, things like snappy comebacks, fights? That's something that you are able to do with energy and confidence. You don't have it right now. There's nothing wrong with you. You simply wore yourself out.

Do things to increase your positive energy. Martial Arts. Gym. Hang out with friends and watch a comedy. Play foosball or something. Get good at something, and take pride in what you do. You will naturally exude confidence.

 

[Nygard]

Depression is a condition that should be treated and can lead to poor health and overall feeling of helplessness and self-pity. Refer to a psycologist because I dbout any of us has a degree on that.
Actually, what most people dont realize is that they cant really make any advance because they're depressive. I'm depressive and also paranoid and because of that I never connect well with any women and some friends already stopped talkign to me.

Listen, do NOT let that happen to you. Ask a psycologist, please.

 

[pua1989]

honestly bro, just DONT GIVE A F U C K. THATS HOW. SERIOUSLY WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK

 

[edu11]

I used to be like that too, dude. The other guys are right.

- It happens because you let it happen. And it's never, ever going to stop unless you do something about it.

- The guys who harass you (the "bullies" if you want) are the people who are medium-low in the popularity ladder. Guess who the low is.... The most popular guys never feel the need to draw self esteem from such insecure activities.

- How did i stop it? By taking action! Yes, i even beat people up to make my point clear and you have to too if the situation calls for it. Never smile and let them get away with harassment. If they don't respect you they should at least fear you. You have to remember that bullies are cowards and have low self esteem. Give them hell.

 

[Adam B]

Ok, ok. I'm gonna give some real advice here. It's sounds like your pretty damn depressed. I was too, back in the day. You know what got me out of my depression? Aerobic exercise. Just ride your bike for an hour or go on a thiry minute jog and tell me you don't feel better. I would just start exercising and associating with the few friends I had. You should also lift weights too. The exercise itself can make you euphoric and your confidence and self image will go up as you get fitter.

I ain't bull****ting either. I was a ****ed up kid. In middle school I was awkward and didn't have a lot of friends. My dad is still an abusive jackass and my mom doesn't do anything about it. Once school was out I had to move an hour away for my dad's new job. This was before my freshman year of high school. So, it was a clean slate I guess.

The first day of summer I went on a 25 minute run and I felt fantastic. It was tough, but I felt great when I was finished. By the end of the summer I was running for 40 minutes every day. When I started at my new school I decided to join the cross country team, which provided me with some instant friends.

Now I have a good group of friends, a pretty girlfriend and my grades are even better. Running is seriously the best thing that's happened to me. My parents still don't really support me at all, but that's ok, since I'm not really home much any more.

 

[Alle_Gory]

I'm depressive and also paranoid and because of that I never connect well with any women and some friends already stopped talkign to me.

Same here. Well, I was. And I'm still prone to it. Susceptibility (there a shorter word for this?) runs in the family.

Although I limited my contact with friends when I noticed it was bad. So I'm still on good terms with almost everyone.

Things are much better now. Good diet. More exercise, running about 4x per week. This is why I do more running than weights now. And St. John's wort. This is why I advocate St. Johns for depressive people. It works... after awhile. 4 weeks loading period.

Depression is not something to take lightly. Its also not something you can shake off. When its bad, it immobilizes you.



Take a holistic approach.
The pill is not the answer, but it is part of the solution.
Take St. John's wort. It won't begin to take effects until after a month or so. More is not better. Take the normal daily dosage.
Better diet. Cut out the junk food, and eat more nutritious stuff.
Go running more often. At least 2x per week. Do what you can, don't burn yourself out.
Weights are great too. But your focus should be on aerobic exercise for the time being.

You have a practical solution.

Do it. You'll feel better in a few days, great in a month if you follow this.