Why is it vital to have HER ask to be official with each other?

[wifehunter]

To me marraige is anathema.

In my mind nothing is more needy than genuflecting at the knee and begging a woman to spend eternity with me.

It is, if you assign societies' values to it.

I'll have marriage on my terms, thank you!

 

[WanderingMan]

Sure, but that's a vanilla basic boundary anyone should know about. What I believe the other poster was referring to were boundaries which are fuzzy because men (and women) don't agree on what they will tolerate in an exclusive relationship.

A good example from here would be hanging out one on one with other men. There are differing opinions here on what is ok, so how is the woman to know what is acceptable without you telling her?

I guess that's up to the guy. If he wants to go exclusive with a woman who doesn't have the same values as him when it comes to that sort of thing, then yes, I suppose he should communicate that with her. Though, I do believe, in most cases, when the exclusivity "talk" happens, by that point, you do know who she is - what she's about......most of the time. That's part of what draws you to her, that's why you want to go exclusive with her - because of who she is. You can have logical discussion with women, in fact you should have those discussions. Then, when you find out what she thinks and believes, and you agree, you go from there. If she breaks her own rules, if she's a hypocrite, if she's deceiptful, if she's telling you what you want to hear, then you get rid of her.

Sometimes women won't know any better, they'll believe some guy just wants to be her friend because he's truly a "friend", when you know otherwise. That's up to you what you want to do about that guy. To me, if he's really just a "friend" - even though he wants to **** her - I don't really care. He's not a threat to me, she doesn't want to **** him, she wants to **** me and me only. Desirable women will be surrounded every day by guys that want to **** them, when they go to work, to the grocery store, when they go to starbucks - 90% of the guys they run into will want to **** them. They know and have learned to defend against these men. If she can't handle herself....if she goes out and, after two drinks, ****s the closest guy next to her, then I will know, by this point, that she is that type of woman, and therefore I will not go exclusive with her. And this "friend" of hers, who will drop everything he's doing at any moment, in order to be her emotional punching bag, can only help me. He is by no means any type of threat to me. If anything, he will reinforce what a wuss bag he is, and that I am the desirable male.

 

[WanderingMan]

I don't believe anyone can truly know someone fully. It just isn't possible to cover every topic or subject.

I generally keep this topic short and to the point with a focus on respect for the relationship. It has worked fine and has both clearly on the same page from the start. If she really wants exclusivity, she will be happy to get you at such a reasonable price, and it further sets the tone that this is by your rules and whim.

From your view point, yes, I agree. However, the debate is whether she really needs to "give up" anything to be with you. An analogy: When you buy a new car, are you "giving up" your old car? No you're getting rid of that thing and happy to be doing so. Now, I know a car is different than a human, and sometimes people do actually miss their old cars - sometimes. But that's just it, you should give up your car when you're ready to, not when someone forces you to. Sometimes you're more than happy to, sometimes you're reluctant. But, if that new car is really that great, then you should be ecstatic to move on to bigger and better things. You're not "giving up" anything.

When a woman meets you and "falls" for you, then everything else, except her kid(s) (if she has some), falls to second place, or out of the picture. It's natural, it's not forced. If you have to point some things out to her, and she gets it or realizes it, then great. But if you have to force her to not go out dancing every Friday night with her ex who she sometimes goes home with, then that relationship isn't right for you. She should want to spend that Friday night with you!

I get confused when I hear this argument. I don't see where the problem is. I couldn't imagine having to tell a woman who she can and can't hang out with. If we have "talks", and she thinks it's perfectly fine to do certain things that I feel are unacceptable then I'll back off or move on. I'll trust, and expect her to trust me. If she doesn't trust me, then I'll realize that maybe I shouldn't be trusting her. If she does something unacceptable, I'd back off or leave. But if you filter properly, take your time, observe, be patient, don't settle, you shouldn't have any issues. If you do, then you need re-evaluate what happened and if it was you or her that was to blame. Did you drive her to do that by being a needy b!tch boy, or did you just simply pick the wrong girl.

 

[Fireballs]

It's really up to the individual. Some men on here swear by being overt about certain expectations while some men wait until their girl has done something unacceptable and then they walk away to show them what they will or will not tolerate.

I can see arguments for either way but in the end you can only control YOUR behaviour.

 

[ZTIME]

Just by asking this question it seems you may need to adjust your frame a little. At the end of the day who really cares who asks who?

In my experience it seems more people don't understand the definition of exclusive before they ask, or are asked as the case may be.

Exclusivity to a woman is time based. You work or go to school, workout, and spend the remainder of your time with her involved. As this escalates she'll want to move in, spawn babies, and have extra financial help to build her "perfect life". Oh yes, there's also the "you can't fvck anyone else.

Exclusivity to a male means they can't fvck anyone else. The female still gets the previously mentioned things.

Know what you're asking or what's being asked of you before you do the asking or answering.

 

[WanderingMan]

From my perspective, nobody is forcing her to do anything. If she requests your exclusivity that is when you set your terms.

She wants you to give up your options, your freedom, and for you to fly into a cage. That is worth something to her. It is the man's job to make sure he is getting what he wants out of the deal, and to communicate that up front.

He is not the one demanding anything, he is simply stating the price for him being exclusive towards her.

I'll simplify my argument: When I go exclusive, I don't need to set any terms, she's already meeting them.