Why is it that I have the urge to contact my ex from last year?

[Chamber36]

Because she was living with me I was forced to endure a whole onslaught of emotional abuse including gaslighting, insults, being derided and called names, having my reputation sullied among her peers, having my sexuality insulted and undermined, and more things. I had to wait a while for her to find an appartment because I figured there was no way to find balance again. I was living with massive anxiety having her in the house and I believe I still have PTSD from it all.

Sometimes I cant sleep from it still and I decided to contact the Wim Hof people and have since learned to swim in ice cold water to prove to myself that im not a little *****.

I was having legal matters at the time over another dispute, and she was massively capitalizing on my morals being put into question, using it against me. I could do nothing out of fear of another case.

I mean this girl was also into **** and being man handled into sex, so it really is a ****ing mind **** when all of a sudden she says "no you cant touch me or there will be charges"... and in the mean time just deriding me, while she lived in my house.

You guys have no idea.

So I want an explanation, I want acknowledgement of how I felt in response to these things. It's difficult for me to get over without any acknowledgement.
I feel anger and I know anger is just another form of disappointment, but man...
While I am still sorting out this court case at home privately (awaiting a hearing in 5 months or so), the abuse I went through still lingers in my head. But because I'm a man, i can't possibly be a victim in anyone's eyes. I am just playing the victim. It's difficult.

So I want closure from this girl and acknowledgement of what I've been through but she doesnt want to give it to me because then well, she would be confronted with what she has done and she might be compromised if her acknowledgement of these things was recorded in the case of a legal matter with her. Though I dont think she would be interested in a legal matter.

She also flirted with my best friend, and he flirted back, so that friendship has been ruined now - but I'm glad for that really.

So I need closure and have never gotten any.

I research things and realise that she may have been acting out of her own biology, maybe felt used by me and at the same time found out about feminist bull**** which strengthened her mental position and gave her the idea I am really scum...

So you see, I try to understand, but something within me still needs to come full circle because it sort of just keeps resurfacing in my mind.

 

[derby1]

she sounds an absolute joy to be around, why dont you DM her, which will confirm youre ready for round 2

 

[Lookatu]

So I need closure and have never gotten any.

So you see, I try to understand, but something within me still needs to come full circle because it sort of just keeps resurfacing in my mind.

The reality is you may never get closure because women don't like conflict and will avoid it and not give closure.

Time heals all and the best thing you can do is to find someone else that is completely opposite of her and treats you good to help pass the time while you heal.

 

[Billtx49]

Yep, time, knowledge, and new companionship are essential for healing. Be careful on the knowledge issue though as it can slide into a need to understand her past behavior. You Never will…
Gaining knowledge should be centered on your past actions and future expectations.

 

[Chamber36]

I saw a vid on youtube about reconciliation being really great for emotional healing, and that clicked for me.

Thing is though, with her nature she only likes a challenge from an alpha male.

And I havent felt alpha in a very long time. I cant concentrate well on things anymore even.

 

[derby1]

I saw a vid on youtube about reconciliation being really great for emotional healing, and that clicked for me.

Yes .....great to let a woman rinse you of non sexual attention

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You won't get what you are looking for, all you will get is more of the same from her. She will turn it around on you and try and blame you for everything. She will be an angel who was victimized by you and she will make you out to be the bad guy.

She is a professional victim who seems like the perfect woman until she knows she "has you". Likely the sex was awesome and she would do porn star type stuff to hook you in.

 

[Chamber36]

You won't get what you are looking for, all you will get is more of the same from her. She will turn it around on you and try and blame you for everything. She will be an angel who was victimized by you and she will make you out to be the bad guy.

She is a professional victim who seems like the perfect woman until she knows she "has you". Likely the sex was awesome and she would do porn star type stuff to hook you in.

Bingo....



From her frame, I'm the ******* !

But I am still heartbroken. After a whole year. ****ing subpar women in the mean time.

Not getting any understanding.

The only way to feel better is to find a girl that cares about me.

I know that may be opposed to the "believe in yourself" manly frame, but what is there to live for if not other people?

I really meant to contribute something to her life even if we ended up parting ways. At the time I was so confident I didnt need her approval. I was happy to let her go. Then came a little loss of frame. Then came a lot of loss of frame. Then came more loss of frame. Now I dont even have any frame at all.

I feel like I am just a nobody that knows how to be a player but doesnt have the energy or the heart to put myself out there, to be confident and allow people to notice me. I can be a badass for a little while, but deep down, the pain and the poison take over...

Just thinking about random daily things, I always refer mentally back to some circumstance with her. I lost my self. Thats what narcissists do. They make it so everything you do must be to make some impression towards them.

Its difficult to allow myself to be myself again after being abused for so long just while I was being myself.

I mean I know I made some mistakes but man... I didnt deserve the mean things that were said and done. She really went all out to destroy any sense of pride, self confidence, indifference... I had to be scared for this girl... I'm telling you. She was flirting with my friend and when I tried to confront her about it a few days later, because he wouldnt lay off, she actually punched me in the face. I mean I was barging into her room because I wanted an answer but you see, since she was living with me and paying rent, I allowed her some weeks to get her ****.

But in the mean time my anxiety skyrocketed and I gnarled away at my teeth for months, causing them to bleed even, after a while. Not to mention drug use came into the picture because of non-friends having a bad influence.

I lost my best friend as well. I didnt have anyone.

Man....

What a ****show. Still hurts. Need love and understanding asap. I will make it.

 

[Grinderman]

Look, it sounds like you are in a lot of emotional turmoil. The last year during this pandemic has been mentally challenging for many (you only have to google stats on mental health issues, people drinking more, increase in divorces, many many going to dark places) Understand that and show some empathy to yourself first. (empathy, being kindness and understanding about how you allowed things to put you in an emotional tailspin, NOT victim mentality sympathy seeking behavior about what others or the world did to you)

Your emotions are all over the place and have made you irrational. The irrationality is clouding your perspective.

This must be your first priority: Gain back control of your emotions. You absolutely must start to observe when you slip into your feelings as this will trigger irrationality, and quickly and calmly train your mind to come back to a rational default setting. This takes practice but is worth the effort. You absolutely must start to focus on what you control and as Epictetus states get used to saying about things outside your control "it means nothing to me"
(May I suggest you read : The Enchiridion by Epictetus. Today. The audio is 50 mins, the book or manual is a quick read 1 or 2 hours.

I suggest the following exercise: Go through your whole post and decipher which events involve things in your control.....then reflect on how you could have acted in a rational manner. How would you react if you were to remain rational if these things happened to you know. Go through your post and decipher which events involve things outside your control. Are you prepared to say "these things mean nothing to me" and release them (water off a duck's back) I like this Spanish expression "Que me la suda" look up the meaning.

But in the mean time my anxiety skyrocketed and I gnarled away at my teeth for months, causing them to bleed even, after a while. Not to mention drug use came into the picture because of non-friends having a bad influence.

Is the anxiety coming from what you tell yourself about the events rather than the events themselves? I mean, rain is just rain, but when somebody says "terrible weather" they have put their subjective judgement on an external arbitrary event.

"what upsets people is not things themselves, but their judgements about things" Epictetus.

Drug use: You are blaming your non-friends bad influence. You must own this and take personal responsibility. Ok maybe they did have a bad influence....what are you responsible for? Having holes in your boundaries that need to be patched up? Better to be alone than with bad company. Own this. Only you are responsible for what you ingest. Will drugs help you remain rational? Of course not, and a rational perspective is what you need above all right now.

I didnt deserve the mean things that were said and done.

Why are you giving more importance to what she says about you to what you think about yourself? Holes in your boundaries allowed her to step in and rob you of well being / self esteem. What part do you control? Patching up the boundaries.

The only way to feel better is to find a girl that cares about me.

The problem here is you absolutely must FILL YOURSELF UP FIRST.....otherwise you run the risk of codependence, where you are looking for somebody else to nurture you (to father you, to mother you). You must fill yourself up AND build a solid sense of self that will keep you grounded before you can make healthy interdependent connections with others.

I lost my best friend as well. I didnt have anyone.

If you desire someone, and you don't have anyone, you are sure to meet disappointment. The trick is to stop desiring what you don't have. Stop desiring what's outside your control. Crash your car? Pain, turmoil, what am I going to do. Then, change of perspective :Fvck it I don't need a car. No more turmoil.

'I don't have anyone": What if you desired to be comfortable in your own company. What if you desire to be more independent. What if you desired to find yourself before connecting with others.

What a ****show. Still hurts. Need love and understanding asap. I will make it.

You are in pain, but you reached out. Many don't and end up staying in a dark place. This shows you want to move forward. Don't run away from the pain. Be comfortable with pain and suffering for you will grow by facing it and not running from it (drug use is often an attempt to run away from pain/suffering/trauma). Stay with the pain and as you change your perspective you will see it diminish slowly but surely.

Time and patience. Correct, rational decisions. Little by little. You will make it.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Bingo....



From her frame, I'm the ******* !

But I am still heartbroken. After a whole year. ****ing subpar women in the mean time.

Not getting any understanding.

The only way to feel better is to find a girl that cares about me.

I know that may be opposed to the "believe in yourself" manly frame, but what is there to live for if not other people?

I really meant to contribute something to her life even if we ended up parting ways. At the time I was so confident I didnt need her approval. I was happy to let her go. Then came a little loss of frame. Then came a lot of loss of frame. Then came more loss of frame. Now I dont even have any frame at all.

I feel like I am just a nobody that knows how to be a player but doesnt have the energy or the heart to put myself out there, to be confident and allow people to notice me. I can be a badass for a little while, but deep down, the pain and the poison take over...

Just thinking about random daily things, I always refer mentally back to some circumstance with her. I lost my self. Thats what narcissists do. They make it so everything you do must be to make some impression towards them.

Its difficult to allow myself to be myself again after being abused for so long just while I was being myself.

I mean I know I made some mistakes but man... I didnt deserve the mean things that were said and done. She really went all out to destroy any sense of pride, self confidence, indifference... I had to be scared for this girl... I'm telling you. She was flirting with my friend and when I tried to confront her about it a few days later, because he wouldnt lay off, she actually punched me in the face. I mean I was barging into her room because I wanted an answer but you see, since she was living with me and paying rent, I allowed her some weeks to get her ****.

But in the mean time my anxiety skyrocketed and I gnarled away at my teeth for months, causing them to bleed even, after a while. Not to mention drug use came into the picture because of non-friends having a bad influence.

I lost my best friend as well. I didnt have anyone.

Man....

What a ****show. Still hurts. Need love and understanding asap. I will make it.

If you like reading books, The Alchemist would be a great one to read right now...it can change your life.

 

[Chamber36]

Look, it sounds like you are in a lot of emotional turmoil. The last year during this pandemic has been mentally challenging for many (you only have to google stats on mental health issues, people drinking more, increase in divorces, many many going to dark places) Understand that and show some empathy to yourself first. (empathy, being kindness and understanding about how you allowed things to put you in an emotional tailspin, NOT victim mentality sympathy seeking behavior about what others or the world did to you)

Your emotions are all over the place and have made you irrational. The irrationality is clouding your perspective.

This must be your first priority: Gain back control of your emotions. You absolutely must start to observe when you slip into your feelings as this will trigger irrationality, and quickly and calmly train your mind to come back to a rational default setting. This takes practice but is worth the effort. You absolutely must start to focus on what you control and as Epictetus states get used to saying about things outside your control "it means nothing to me"
(May I suggest you read : The Enchiridion by Epictetus. Today. The audio is 50 mins, the book or manual is a quick read 1 or 2 hours.

I suggest the following exercise: Go through your whole post and decipher which events involve things in your control.....then reflect on how you could have acted in a rational manner. How would you react if you were to remain rational if these things happened to you know. Go through your post and decipher which events involve things outside your control. Are you prepared to say "these things mean nothing to me" and release them (water off a duck's back) I like this Spanish expression "Que me la suda" look up the meaning.



Is the anxiety coming from what you tell yourself about the events rather than the events themselves? I mean, rain is just rain, but when somebody says "terrible weather" they have put their subjective judgement on an external arbitrary event.

"what upsets people is not things themselves, but their judgements about things" Epictetus.

Drug use: You are blaming your non-friends bad influence. You must own this and take personal responsibility. Ok maybe they did have a bad influence....what are you responsible for? Having holes in your boundaries that need to be patched up? Better to be alone than with bad company. Own this. Only you are responsible for what you ingest. Will drugs help you remain rational? Of course not, and a rational perspective is what you need above all right now.



Why are you giving more importance to what she says about you to what you think about yourself? Holes in your boundaries allowed her to step in and rob you of well being / self esteem. What part do you control? Patching up the boundaries.



The problem here is you absolutely must FILL YOURSELF UP FIRST.....otherwise you run the risk of codependence, where you are looking for somebody else to nurture you (to father you, to mother you). You must fill yourself up AND build a solid sense of self that will keep you grounded before you can make healthy interdependent connections with others.



If you desire someone, and you don't have anyone, you are sure to meet disappointment. The trick is to stop desiring what you don't have. Stop desiring what's outside your control. Crash your car? Pain, turmoil, what am I going to do. Then, change of perspective :Fvck it I don't need a car. No more turmoil.

'I don't have anyone": What if you desired to be comfortable in your own company. What if you desire to be more independent. What if you desired to find yourself before connecting with others.



You are in pain, but you reached out. Many don't and end up staying in a dark place. This shows you want to move forward. Don't run away from the pain. Be comfortable with pain and suffering for you will grow by facing it and not running from it (drug use is often an attempt to run away from pain/suffering/trauma). Stay with the pain and as you change your perspective you will see it diminish slowly but surely.

Time and patience. Correct, rational decisions. Little by little. You will make it.

Bro, I have been staying with the pain for a long time. I need to venture away from it though in order to do things. It holds me back at times. It's become a gnawing voice.

Thats why I started the Wim Hof Method. I shower ice cold. Just to do something uncomfortable, to make the other things relatively less uncomfortable.

I also know, I shouldnt be too hard on myself.

Its just that I see myself exhibiting mannerisms or having thoughts which are a result of this emotional abuse. And that pisses me off. I can rationalize. But i need to overcome. Maybe get back into martial arts.

Indeed, reading Epictetus would do me well. I have Marcus Aurelius already on the couch.

And I know what you mean about not being a codependent or in an interdependent relationship. I agree fully.

There is such a thing as healing though, and another person can help someone to heal.

It's like if a dog has been hurt, the dog is scared. Thats me. So someone has to rehabilitate the dog, make the dog feel worthy. I dont mean to be all sensitive and weak here, but a little bit of love can help me to heal. That's what I think.

Also, yes: boundaries. What can I say? Im reinforcing them.

Thx though.

I'll remember what you said about Epictetus. I'm already rational enough though. Thats how I can express these thoughts and feelings. I am aware of them. They pop up. From a psychologists pov probably because they are pointing towards something which needs to be addressed.

I read a whole book on Man psychology vs Boy psychology just to get a grip on it all, and figure out which aspects or myself to work on.

King, Warrior, Magician, Lover is a nice read as well.

Now I am reading A Day in the life of Ivan Denisovich by Solzhenytzin. Hey! At least I'm not in a Russian GULAG! Am I right !

Also, enough whinging for today. I will come back here in a few days.