Why is a DJ supposed to be unreactive

[Rubato]

This doesn't make a lot of sense to me, particularly in the concept of rejection. Why would a DJ be unreactive about a girl he wanted rejecting him if he actually wanted her?

Yes, a DJ has options.

A DJ has abundance.

A DJ has all of this wonderful crap that mere mortals drool at the thought of having.

However, if a DJ really wants a woman and she rejects him, I don't understand how it could be possible for him not to react in some way to that situation unless it's all an act towards another purpose (ie, sparking/resparking attraction). Isn't a DJ supposed to be so self confident in himself and give so little regard to what other people think of him that he's not going to care if he let's someone see he's unhappy? I mean, the DJ is supposed to be okay with expressing the fact that he likes the woman. Why isn't the converse also true?

Granted, I'm not advocating that a DJ go around and throw a little tantrum and compromise his masculinity... maybe if I was actually a DJ, I would understand better. It seems like there should be an element of humanity left in the DJ that is still able to understand emotions like anger, frustration, disappointment, and sadness.

So how should a DJ respond to a girl who has rejected him?

 

[J Roc]

Because a DJ knows there are over 3 billion women on this earth and there are plenty of women who ARE BETTER THAN HER. If she rejects you then its her loss...

 

[Mike32ct]

I understand your point. In a perfect world, we could just freely show all of our emotions, both good and bad. But in life, there is value in having a non-reactive "poker fayce." Otherwise, showing that someone is affecting you negatively conveys weakness and give them the upper hand.

I can think of many places where the non-reactive frame is useful:

1. Negotiations
2. Dealing with authority figures
3. Some guy threatening you
4. Dealing with some hot chick that is giving you a hard time
5. Someone bullying you

Nobody is saying that DJs have to be robots without emotions. We are just saying that there is a right place and time for everything.

Take this game for example. It's not an easy game. Plenty of nights, I got rejected so badly I wanted to cry. Would I ever do that in front of women? Of course not. I waited until I got home or back to my hotel room and then bawled my eyes out. Of course I have feelings, but I'm NOT going to give some female (or AMOG) the satisfaction of knowing that they got to me.

I hope that helps.

 

[EvilAgenda]

Because a DJ isn't outcome dependent.

 

[zekko]

Women want men who are strong, masculine, and have thier mind on higher pursuits. A man who is going to be brought down emotionally by the whim of a mere woman is not such a man. That shows him as weak.

Women admire guys who don't NEED them, as strange as it sounds. The strong guys who have everything together aren't going to be bummed out because of some chick they barely know.

 

[Iceberg]

Granted, I'm not advocating that a DJ go around and throw a little tantrum and compromise his masculinity... maybe if I was actually a DJ, I would understand better. It seems like there should be an element of humanity left in the DJ that is still able to understand emotions like anger, frustration, disappointment, and sadness.

So how should a DJ respond to a girl who has rejected him?

There would be frustration, disappointment, and sadness if you spent month after month dreaming about asking some girl out.

I think you're still viewing this from the perspective of a guy who spends weeks or months dreaming about a girl before asking her out. So, after weeks of dreaming about her, when you finally ask her out, you're heartbroken because you built her up in your mind.

To a "DJ" (i hate using that term), a girl is just a face in the crowd. You ask her out, she rejects, you move on to the next one. You're not sitting around daydreaming about her for 2 months, building up this emotional connection with someone you havent been on a date with.

And when you realize how replaceable these girls are, how could you feel anger and sadness over just one of them? Sure....if it were a real girlfriend, and after a year of dating, things didn't work out...then there'd be an emotional attachment.

But we're talking about a rejection before anything becomes remotely serious, right? How could I get all emotional over a girl I barely know?

 

[Rubato]

Because a DJ isn't outcome dependent.

This is another thing that I don't really understand and have always thought, quite honestly, is stupid. A DJ isn't outcome dependent. Then what in the world is he? Someone who is just thrown around by the whims of his environment? If you don't set outcomes for yourself and your interactions, something or someone else will. What you're saying is that a DJ sees some beautiful girl, goes up and talks to her, but there isn't some driving reason because of it? If he's not outcome oriented, then he would be engaging people at random. There IS a reason he's talking to the girl, and it's because there's something about her he likes (or thinks he likes). So I would say at minimum, a DJ will always be outcome dependent on establishing the truth of his initial observation about the girl.

And let's think about the original DJ, Don Juan himself. Don Juan's outcome was always sex. He was the biggest playboy ever. He just did it all in a dignified and masculine way.

To zekko's point, yes, that's what women want, but unless you're using this nonreactive strategy as a pickup technique, why would you care about what a woman wants who has rejected you? Not to totally contradict everything I have written about humility, but when guys say things like that, it sounds to me as though they're either intentionally or unintentionally using it as a hail marry sort of last chance strategy to get the girl. Ala, "Oh no, I rejected this guy and it didn't even bother him... why isn't it bothering him? Maybe he really didn't like me anyways. If he did, it would bother him. What's wrong with me??? Am I not pretty????" ect.

To Iceberg's point. I agree. But. I'm not viewing this from the perspective of being rejected by a girl at the bar/club or some other interaction with virtually no investment from either person. I'm viewing it from the lens of an encounter where there HAS been some emotional investment and you actually have reason and justification to like the girl. Except she doesn't reciprocate. I got over the fact that a girl at the bar's opinion of me means so little that it's not even worth the time to notice a long time ago. They are "just another face in the crowd". But the woman you've been dating for the last month isn't (or at least, I don't think should be).

I feel like emotional expression is appropriate in the context of a long term relationship, like what Mike32ct said. I don't feel like it's appropriate or even warranted in the context of bar/club/I don't know you settings. But what's the proper response for the intermediate? That's my question.

And why DJ's aren't supposed to be outcome dependent. Everyone here speaks so much about having goals and doing things like assuming the sale. You can't have a goal and not be outcome dependent at the same time.

 

[zekko]

To zekko's point, yes, that's what women want, but unless you're using this nonreactive strategy as a pickup technique, why would you care about what a woman wants who has rejected you? Not to totally contradict everything I have written about humility, but when guys say things like that, it sounds to me as though they're either intentionally or unintentionally using it as a hail marry sort of last chance strategy to get the girl. Ala, "Oh no, I rejected this guy and it didn't even bother him... why isn't it bothering him? Maybe he really didn't like me anyways. If he did, it would bother him. What's wrong with me??? Am I not pretty????" ect.

The point isn't to try to get the girl back who rejected you, the point is to become that man in the first place. The nonreactive attitude is not only attractive to females, it's a better state of mind for the male to be in.

Being nonreactive also refers to sh!t tests and plain old discouraging situations that come up, not just to being rejected. The idea is the man carries his own frame, and his good time is not going to be derailed by external factors.

When they say don't be outcome dependent, they mean don't be outcome dependent on any one particular woman. And also, if you make the goal to go out and have a good time, it doesn't really matter if you "score" or not. A guy with a positive attitude knows that it's going to happen sooner or later, even if it doesn't happen tonight. And if it doesn't happen tonight, he's not going to get depressed or lose confidence in himself because of it.

 

[Rubato]

Agreed zekko. Very insightful.

However, to your point of not being outcome dependent, I think we're getting hung up on semantics. I would say that having the goal in mind to go out and "have a good time" is being outcome dependent. Anthony Robbins said something to the effect of "set goals that set you up for success rather than failure". This was during a discussion about what it means to be successful and he said you could either define your personal success in terms of making 10 million dollars or waking up every day and giving your best. The 2nd option will make it possible for you to be successful every day, whereas the first option will make it impossible for you to be successful as long as you don't have 10 million dollars.

I think having a good time should always be a DJ's #1 priority. That being said, I don't think there is anything wrong with aiming for other goals as well. Fun is a very specific and nonspecific term at the same time because while we can both experience fun, the way we experience it and the actions that evoke it in us may be 2 entirely different things. Besides that, including goals that may be more difficult to attain (such as, in addition to having fun, I would also like to # close X number of girls) at least I think help inspire greater personal growth because it forces you to shoot for stretch yourself. You wouldn't go in to the gym and lift weights if they weren't making you break a sweat.

 

[st_99]

I think you can react, get pissed or whatever but in most cases does it really matter? Its basically irrelevant.
The girl probably wont like you either way.

I think the main point is this..

You've arrived when you become unreactive because thats REALLY how you
feel, like you don't care BECAUSE you know how the game works, you know how to get girls and you are no longer frustrated.

When you get pissed, angry, frustrated that just means you are not yet close to "figuring it out" But whether or not you are allowed to get angry at rejection is mainly irrelevant to the big picture.

If you are a DJ and still get pissy at rejection you're probably just a d*ck, and thats fine too!

 

[J Roc]

I think you can react, get pissed or whatever but in most cases does it really matter? Its basically irrelevant.
The girl probably wont like you either way.

exactly. you can get pissed all you want but that is not going to change the fact that the girl doesn't like you. why waste your time and energy worrying about why 1 WOMAN doesnt like you when there are over 3 BILLION WOMEN on this earth. :rock:

 

[Chamber36]

the trick is to evoke more reactions from others than they evoke from you.

Like how mystery ignores her question at 5:17 of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5Fvm105olg

And being unhappy is generally unattractive. I got rejected recently and I just said: "ok then...." and left it at that. The girl actually got upset that I wasn't upset... women...

 

[st_99]

the trick is to evoke more reactions from others than they evoke from you.

thats true, with women, you BETTER be the one causing the emotional reactions, not the one doing the reacting.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Isn't a DJ supposed to be so self confident in himself and give so little regard to what other people think of him that he's not going to care if he let's someone see he's unhappy?

This is kind of like saying that, "A DJ should be so self-confident that he doesn't mind appearing to be an AFC."

Unfortunately, that philosophical argument has zero practical use. If you act like an AFC, you ARE an AFC- it doesn't matter what's "inside."

The whole thing with "inner game" is this: You are NOT going to be 100% confident all the time if you're psychologically healthy. You are NOT going to be 100% fine with rejection if you're psychologically healthy. However, you are NOT judged by how you feel inside; you are judged by your REACTIONS to these feelings.

Lots of PUA "gurus" have MAJOR "inner game" issues. You think that they don't care what people think of them?? Their whole career rests on the premise that they're good with women- that's bound to mess them up big time when they hit a rough patch. But, as long as they don't wallow in self-pity and keep their outer game solid, they will still get results.

The DJ mindset is an IDEAL mindset. Does anyone ACTUALLY possess this mindset all the time? No. But, if your ACTIONS are consistent with the actions of a DJ, you ARE a DJ. Having flawless inner game isn't crucial to getting results- learning how to deal with less-than-flawless inner game is.

The flipside of this is also true: You can claim to have rock solid inner game, but if you're not approaching girls and getting results, you are not a DJ.

It's kind of like people that boast of having a high IQ, yet don't accomplish anything of significance. What matters is NOT your potential, but what you ACTUALLY DO with that potential.



Finally, to answer your question: If a girl rejects you, you should pretend not to care- even if you do. Some girls may even TRY to get a reaction out of you- don't give them the satisfaction. Just ignore them and move onto other girls. This is the ONLY POSSIBLE WAY you can maintain high value and (possibly, if unlikely) build interest in the face of rejection. Even if she thinks it's an act, it still works by demonstrating that you have control over your emotions and won't let one silly girl deter you from approaching other women.