Why do women even do online dating?

[Stagger Lee]

I met up earlier tonight with a woman I had been talking to on POF. She seemed really into me and really compliant online and in texting. Her pics looked good. She lives outside of my city in a rural town, so that partly explains why she didn't seem so hypergamous for her looks as the city girls if you know what I mean.

She drove 45 minutes to my area to meet at the bar. She looked good in person, about as good or the best I have ever met from online and she was even wearing a skirt/dress despite it being cool tonight.

I didn't get any attraction and we parted after about an hour and a half (this ties into my hair thinning posts and my drop in success with meet ups for anyone thats read them). That really stung because I found her attractive and it was a loss.

But, this is something I've wondered about for years now. A female sees your pics, reads all your profile information, even communicates to you sometimes for hours online/texts and likes your general "personality/game", but many many times will still reject you basically on sight or within a few minutes of meeting. It's as if she went on a blind date having never seen a pic or ever communicated at all with the guy before when that's far from the case.

Let's put aside for now how it is possible a woman could see your pics, read your profile and communicate with you at length and be into you, yet still often on sight or quickly upon meeting in person have no interest in you.

If they can't determine whether they actually are attracted at all to a guy without seeing and hearing him in person, then why ever do online dating? And they'll meet without ever requesting to talk on the phone before meeting. It's not like they can't and don't meet guys in real life. It's not like for them how it is for guys that they'll have to approach and get rejected.

How can women be so oblivious they're like this? And it's like they don't even care that they wasted all that time and effort. And they just continue to keep using the online dating.

Unless a girls is using fake or fraudulent pics, I can always tell whether I'd be attracted to a girl or not and certainly if it would even be worth my time meeting (if just to bang). Also I can determine through her profile and through messaging and texting if I would find her personality acceptable. Point is, I sure as heck wouldn't do online if like women I could only tell if I wanted anything to do with the person only after meeting in person.

It's like women are totally oblivious when I'm sure this happens to them regularly and don't mind wasting their own time and certainly not yours..

Summary: Woman likes your pics, profile, messages and eagerly meets. She doesn't like you in person often from the get go. Women are too stupid to realize that, unlike men, women can only determine if they're actually attracted to a guy in person. Women don't care that they are wasting time and continue to online date.

 

[the_stig]

Your online profile and real life persona are two entirely different things. I've gone into every POF meeting knowing that just because she liked my profile, is no guarantee she'll like me in real life. Half the time they don't, just the way it is, for bother genders.

It's not that they can't decide whether or not they're attracted to you.. it's just that looking at a picture of someone is usually not reflective of how you look in real life; plus factor in that we usually select our very best pictures, body language, confidence or lack-of, game, personality, etc. Once you meet in real life, you have to sell yourself, on the dating site, you're simply listing your best attributes. The Hyundai Genesis might look just as nice as a Mercedes-Benz while you're reading the car magazine, only to drive like a cheap Korean car once you get behind the wheel.

You're taking the rejection personally, but you can't, it's just part of the numbers game. My favorite thing about POF.. you can go from a horrible dry spell, rejected, flaked on, stood up.. to banging a hot chick in the blink of an eye. A few days ago I couldn't get a response to save my life, now all of a sudden I'm texting about four attractive women and already had an awesome date. It's nothing but a giant roller-coaster ride, just keep sending messages and you'll be back on the way up soon.

 

[dutchmaster]

Because women will do anything to feel sexy by getting male attention and validation

 

[Solomon]

Your online profile and real life persona are two entirely different things. I've gone into every POF meeting knowing that just because she liked my profile, is no guarantee she'll like me in real life. Half the time they don't, just the way it is, for bother genders.

It's not that they can't decide whether or not they're attracted to you.. it's just that looking at a picture of someone is usually not reflective of how you look in real life; plus factor in that we usually select our very best pictures, body language, confidence or lack-of, game, personality, etc. Once you meet in real life, you have to sell yourself, on the dating site, you're simply listing your best attributes. The Hyundai Genesis might look just as nice as a Mercedes-Benz while you're reading the car magazine, only to drive like a cheap Korean car once you get behind the wheel.

You're taking the rejection personally, but you can't, it's just part of the numbers game. My favorite thing about POF.. you can go from a horrible dry spell, rejected, flaked on, stood up.. to banging a hot chick in the blink of an eye. A few days ago I couldn't get a response to save my life, now all of a sudden I'm texting about four attractive women and already had an awesome date. It's nothing but a giant roller-coaster ride, just keep sending messages and you'll be back on the way up soon.

^^^This is spot on

OP sounds to me your butthurt and liked this chick and seem upset it didn't pan out. How many plates are you spinning?

Rollo Tomassi said it best online dating is a buffer. You talk to a chick online then via phone/text and have to set up a date and just to meet. Then when you meet in person you basically have to get her attracted again in PERSON. Half the time women don't look like their pictures. Your game and your looks have to match up because women build a fantasy in there head. In person it's different you already skipping that buffer and are able to put your bid in instantly.

I've said here before and I'll say it again. The field is the best way to do it. Online dating is great to supplement your game but when you meet a woman in real llife that buffer isn't there and you can deal with rejection/success instantly.

On top of that the caliber in person compared to online doesn't even compare

Out of these 28 women I probably would approach only 5 IRL. When I go out to the bars the caliber or hotness of women doesn't even compare to the ratcheness of online dating

No thanks Jeff

 

[Stagger Lee]

No one has really acknowledge or addressed the point that women's attraction is more fickle and depends on irl non-verbal cues and in person appearance. Or how much time women will waste online before meeting a guy in person. It seems if you post anything it's all about you being butthurt and taking it personal.

It's not like women aren't very "selective" of who they choose to meet in person. They really have to like your pics and what you're saying to them.

I will say though that a few years ago meeting girls up from online I seemed to had a much, much higher success ratio. About the only thing I could find different is my hair is noticeable thinner in person than my pics would suggest. That's what clued me in to how much hair and appearance factors mattered more than I even believed they did.

Judge Nismo often says, "Your online profile is only as strong as your worst pic.". And I completely agree, but add your online meet up is only as strong as convincingly appearing in person as good as your best pic. Even if the online portion wasn't in the equation and you completely met a girl in a cold approach at the bar, a guy may also meet her basic looks requirement and "personality/game" requirement but to meet her fantasy requirement of how you should be is a further looks in motion requirement.

But really women have no problem with wasting their time with dating even irl. They'll go to bars and are perfectly happy leaving empty handed despite all the options they meet.

 

[BeDJ]

^^^This is spot on

OP sounds to me your butthurt and liked this chick and seem upset it didn't pan out. How many plates are you spinning?

Rollo Tomassi said it best online dating is a buffer. You talk to a chick online then via phone/text and have to set up a date and just to meet. Then when you meet in person you basically have to get her attracted again in PERSON. Half the time women don't look like their pictures. Your game and your looks have to match up because women build a fantasy in there head. In person it's different you already skipping that buffer and are able to put your bid in instantly.

I've said here before and I'll say it again. The field is the best way to do it. Online dating is great to supplement your game but when you meet a woman in real llife that buffer isn't there and you can deal with rejection/success instantly.

On top of that the caliber in person compared to online doesn't even compare

Out of these 28 women I probably would approach only 5 IRL. When I go out to the bars the caliber or hotness of women doesn't even compare to the ratcheness of online dating

No thanks Jeff

Yes.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=202003

 

[Renegade357]

I didn't get any attraction and we parted after about an hour and a half (this ties into my hair thinning posts and my drop in success with meet ups for anyone thats read them).

How do you know she wasn't into you? What was the date like? Whjat signals were you missing?

 

[Robert28]

I know where you're coming from man. I'm self conscious about my height (5'8") because I feel as I've gotten older, it's cost me a good many girls. Before I was in my 30's it was almost as if my height wasn't an issue at all to any woman out there I went after. I just figured me being 5'8" was average height for a guy but nowdays it seems as if I'm considered a midget. I know it has to be my height because my personality has always been the same and I've always been told what a great personality I had and how fun I was to be around and all. It can't be my looks because I HAVE pulled a many of hotties in my life when I was younger, but now it's like it's a struggle and yet I'm the same build and all I have always been (5'8" 180 34 waist). I was a 32 waist for the longest time but I'm only a 34 now so I'm not really stocky or anything, but I don't workout like I did when I was playing football either.

My point is that I see TONS of girls I think are attractive with the goofiest looking d@mn guys and the only thing I can figure as to why they're with them is height. I have a best friend who has a pot belly, has black spots on his fvcking teeth, drives a pos truck, smokes like a chimney but yet he can get hot girls. Not all the time, but I have seen him get girls that have turned me down before. Baffles my God d@mn mind. If I was 6' I would be a lady killer. Seriously. I think 90% of women won't give me a fair chance because I'm only 5'8. I have all my hair, I'm in shape, I own my own two story house, drive a nice truck, etc. It takes a hit on my confidence when it keeps being the reason I get rejected (can't prove it but I know it has to be the reason).

Just laugh and realize that she will end up with some jack@ss that has a sh!t job and has to move in with her because he can't support a cat much less himself or her and her life will end up sucking because of it. But oh she found her tall man that she wanted. More power to her.

 

[Stagger Lee]

I know where you're coming from man. I'm self conscious about my height (5'8") because I feel as I've gotten older, it's cost me a good many girls. Before I was in my 30's it was almost as if my height wasn't an issue at all to any woman out there I went after. I just figured me being 5'8" was average height for a guy but nowdays it seems as if I'm considered a midget. I know it has to be my height because my personality has always been the same and I've always been told what a great personality I had and how fun I was to be around and all. It can't be my looks because I HAVE pulled a many of hotties in my life when I was younger, but now it's like it's a struggle and yet I'm the same build and all I have always been (5'8" 180 34 waist). I was a 32 waist for the longest time but I'm only a 34 now so I'm not really stocky or anything, but I don't workout like I did when I was playing football either.

My point is that I see TONS of girls I think are attractive with the goofiest looking d@mn guys and the only thing I can figure as to why they're with them is height. I have a best friend who has a pot belly, has black spots on his fvcking teeth, drives a pos truck, smokes like a chimney but yet he can get hot girls. Not all the time, but I have seen him get girls that have turned me down before. Baffles my God d@mn mind. If I was 6' I would be a lady killer. Seriously. I think 90% of women won't give me a fair chance because I'm only 5'8. I have all my hair, I'm in shape, I own my own two story house, drive a nice truck, etc. It takes a hit on my confidence when it keeps being the reason I get rejected (can't prove it but I know it has to be the reason).

Just laugh and realize that she will end up with some jack@ss that has a sh!t job and has to move in with her because he can't support a cat much less himself or her and her life will end up sucking because of it. But oh she found her tall man that she wanted. More power to her.

I believe providing you have only a near average attractive face and are over 30, then being under about 5'9, thinning hair or aging facial skin will hurt you more than most any other shortcomings. If you are all 3 over 30, short and thinning hair then you are really in a hopeless situation.

Young girls can be difficult when you are young or even still look young enough to pursue and date them. But there are so many single, available and attractive young girls, compared to fewer single and attractive older women . It's almost like young girls paradoxically reject guys more but they also accept guys shortcomings more. About the only time I see an attractive girl with a rather below average guy is if they're young. Women seem to be getting much more hypergamous the past few years, especially the older ones.

Anyway, you get my point that regardless of your looks or whatever the reason, women's choice in men can defy explaination. And that females can only truely decide attraction in person.

And really, I think a lot of women do get this on at least a subconscience level. Really, most women are not online dating and are not happy with it. All the women doing online dating are more off kilter than the average woman. It's really only a very small minority of women who continually do online dating. You can be in a metropolitian area of a few million and it's really only a few 100 women that comprimise the bulk of active online daters.

 

[Mike32ct]

Back to the original topic...

I have probably 60 or so failed online dates under belt. Many were even during my looks peak when I looked better than today.

I think the difference is fantasy versus reality. Even though she sees the guy's pic and sort of gets to know his personality via text or emails, she can't accept that reality is almost always less exciting than fantasy.

When she's in online (fantasy) world, if she thinks the guy's pic is attractive, she will put a positive spin on most everything about him. Then once the secret fantasy ends (i.e. they meet in person), the "fun" is gone, and she starts to find very minor things wrong with the guy.

She feels a "letdown" because the online "fantasy chase" is over. So she consciously or unconsciously finds a way to blame the guy for that by finding SOMETHING wrong with him, even if it's minor.

She then looks at face, hair, height, etc., with 300x zoom and finds minor things wrong. She analyzes your personality, hobbies, job, etc. like you are applying for CIA director. She's looking for SOMETHING to disqualify you, no matter how small/insignificant.

It's no different than getting excited about a new job and finding it's not actually exciting at all once you start the job.

I think men generally understand this concept and are ok with it. Women get TOO hung up on the fantasy and hate the letdown of reality.

I don't blame any guy for going online. It's a legitimate way to meet women. But at least in person, she has no delusions about what the guy is exactly like.

So the short answer is the fantasy of meeting and interacting with a guy online excites her and gets her hamster going, but this excitement often fades away when you meet in person and reality hits her that you aren't exactly the absolute perfect 50 Shades guy.

Then she feels "let down." What does she do to make herself feel better? She goes back online for another "fantasy hit." I don't think they INTEND to lead guys on, but sadly it happens that way.

It's no different than the "Club High." She's all excited and hot for your on Saturday night when the music is pumping and the alcohol is flowing. You get the makeout or possibly more. You get the number. You call or text her a few days later after the "Dream Sexy Saturday Night" has worn off. She doesn't want to know you. She won't respond. Going back to reality that she has a guy calling/texting her that isn't a celebrity is a letdown and makes the hamster sad lol.

What does she do then? She texts her gfs to set up a return to the club next weekend so she can get another hit of "fantasy" to make her feel better.

 

[Renegade357]

In that case isn't it a better idea to put up crappy pictures of yourself? Under promise over-deliver?

 

[Mike32ct]

In that case isn't it a better idea to put up crappy pictures of yourself? Under promise over-deliver?

That's an interesting angle.

But the challenge would be to have a not so great picture of yourself that still attracts an ok female. Then surprise her by being slightly better looking in person.

If you could pull that off, it's probably good.

 

[Stagger Lee]

Those are some great points, Mike32ct.

She then looks at face, hair, height, etc., with 300x zoom and finds minor things wrong. She analyzes your personality, hobbies, job, etc. like you are applying for CIA director. She's looking for SOMETHING to disqualify you, no matter how small/insignificant.

It's no different than getting excited about a new job and finding it's not actually exciting at all once you start the job.

I think men generally understand this concept and are ok with it. Women get TOO hung up on the fantasy and hate the letdown of reality.

I find this to be true. We may debate how much things like height, hair and face matters, but women definitely come from a different mindset than men. Women are looking for any reason or shortcoming to reject you depite all your good qualities.

It's like women have the mentality of, "So you're tall, have a job, nice build, but that doesn't impress me much. Do you have good hair..?" It reminds me of that Shania Twain song lol. They don't necesarily phrase it that way, but I believe women really do superficially micoranalyze you quickly and determine their attraction. It's not really something you can just talk or with game and personality your way to attraction.

Really what you describe in your reply is what women call being "swept off their feet". Yeah, more like you have no superficial flaws and are attractive enough and her attraction causes compliance and you win a ONS lol. Then your personality/game might make it into something longer term, not the other way around.

In that case isn't it a better idea to put up crappy pictures of yourself? Under promise over-deliver?

It's probably not a good idea to use pics that make you look too much better than you can deliver in person. But the problem is if your pics are crappy, you will be sending a lot of message and getting no where and not getting any meet ups at all.

 

[Robert28]

Haha yeah I do run into this somewhat often as well. What can you do. I still do ok. Height is very much a binary thing for most women, they either don't care or immediately discount you at under 5'10"

As a man I guess I can't grasp their reasoning behind it. I've been told by many women that it's a "security" thing. I never look at height as being a factor of security. If I'm in a bank with a bunch of tall ass men and someone comes in with a gun and holds up the place, I don't get this overwhelming of "oh I'm safe, I'm surrounded by 50 dudes who are all over 6'. God I'm lucky!". I'm not waving pom poms for a girl who's 5'10 to look past a guys height who's 5'8", because yeah I can even admit that would look kind of goofy. The thing is, if she's 5'3" then wtf does it matter if I'm not 6'? I'm still a good 5" taller then her midget @$$ anyways! I've also had girls tell me that there are less taller guys who are attractive then there are guys my height that are attractive. I guess they like the rarity of a tall guy who's also attractive. Well in that case, I want a 25 year old model with no kids or stretch marks who's rich and has low standards. :crackup:

Another thing I scratch my head about are the short girls who use the excuse of "oh I can't date a guy under 6' because I wear heels a lot and he can't be shorter then me in my heels". However I have YET to hear a girl who's 5'10 complain about being taller then a guy in heels if he's 6'.

 

[Stagger Lee]

As a man I guess I can't grasp their reasoning behind it. I've been told by many women that it's a "security" thing. I never look at height as being a factor of security. If I'm in a bank with a bunch of tall ass men and someone comes in with a gun and holds up the place, I don't get this overwhelming of "oh I'm safe, I'm surrounded by 50 dudes who are all over 6'. God I'm lucky!". I'm not waving pom poms for a girl who's 5'10 to look past a guys height who's 5'8", because yeah I can even admit that would look kind of goofy. The thing is, if she's 5'3" then wtf does it matter if I'm not 6'? I'm still a good 5" taller then her midget @$$ anyways! I've also had girls tell me that there are less taller guys who are attractive then there are guys my height that are attractive. I guess they like the rarity of a tall guy who's also attractive. Well in that case, I want a 25 year old model with no kids or stretch marks who's rich and has low standards. :crackup:

Another thing I scratch my head about are the short girls who use the excuse of "oh I can't date a guy under 6' because I wear heels a lot and he can't be shorter then me in my heels". However I have YET to hear a girl who's 5'10 complain about being taller then a guy in heels if he's 6'.

I feel the exact same way about my slight hair loss. I don't think it looks bad. I certainly don't give a sh!t about it. It's not like men wear there hair long and flowing. Most men have short and sometimes buzzed hair. Why should any females care about thinning hair on a man? Hair loss happens because the hair folicles are not resistant to Testosterone/DHT, the very thing that makes a man manly.

I'm 6'1, have a fairly athletic/masculine build, but women don't care because my face is not hot and my hair is thinning. I mean WTF do women expect, me to have a hot face, be 6'1 and lean and have thick hair, look 20-something when I'm nearly 40 etc? I mean with their height, hair, facial and all their superficial standards they expect can't hardly be met by more than 5-10% of the male population. And these women are even sub Hb5's. I'm argubably at least a freaking 5. So I guess if I were like women, I should only be interested in a girl that is 21 years old, at least 5'5 under 115lbs with around 36C-24-36 and a gorgeous face.

The only thing I slightly disagree with you with is that girls who are 5'10 and over still don't want to wear their stupid fvcking 3" heels and want the guy be taller than her. I always see girls over 5'11 with their heels bumping them over 6'1 saying they want a guy taller than them. They want a guy who is 6'7, less than 1% of male population based on height alone! But also a hot face and full hair! They want a 1/1000 guy's aesthetics! Meanwhile they look like average fat sh!t.

Hypergamy is at outrageous levels now. I even was told by a very over weight, non attractive 51 year old woman that she gets hit up regularly by guys as young as 19-21 hitting her up online. And many women even 30 and 40 years old don't want a man more than 5 years older.

 

[floydb25]

Great post, Mike. Like I always say - it's very similar in real-life, too. A chick might be head over heels with lust and infatuation based on what she perceives, and how she WANTS things to be. Then, when that doesn't match reality, and you aren't PERFECT - she starts tearing you down and nitpicking your flaws; making you feel not good enough; and acting like you're nobody.

To be fair, it's the same thing with any cliquey, self-entitled assh0le out there. Lotta people first judge and assume - then define and categorize (and control, to keep things as they are). Most just follow the crowd and "status". Not a lot of grey areas in society. Either you're awesome, or a complete nobody.

 

[HedoRick]

I'm a 6 foot 5 Caucasian that would be considered handsome in many circles, so take my advice with a grain of salt... but anyways..

I used to be there too, bro. A couple of years ago, my online game was somewhat decent, but my in person game SUCKED.
When I lived in Raleigh over the past year, I went on lots of online dates. One weekend, I went out with 5 chicks from online(that was borderline insanity and a logistical nightmare). I still preferred to meet chicks IRL, but I also decided to take the time to decode online dating in a way that worked for me. I would get hung up on the meeting chick part and would fail most times. I decided to work on the weakest link of my online game, and figured out for me that it was a congruency issue.

The most important thing that really brought my online game to a whole new level was working on myself personally- ie developing my hobbies further that appealed to the broadest variety of chicks. I've always loved to dance, ride horses, ride bulls, but I didn't take the time to display those interests on my profile. I dedicated a fair amount of time to salsa dancing and rodeo. Normally those two things don't mix, but believe me, women eat that right up.
I'm a guy that wears both a cowboy hat and jeans, and i'll be drinking beer and whiskey. Then the next week I can turn it around in a suit and tie and drink champagne. Then I break it down on the dance floor with salsa....

Point is all of those things are congruent with who I am and I have pictures of me in my profile doing all of these activities. If you have a broad skill set and interests, then you attract a broad variety of women online. I call it the "Dos Equis Man" effect.

When I invite chicks out, i'll usually take them to salsa, and be a mirror copy of my online profile, but even more ****y. I wear the same clothes I was wearing in my pictures as well. If they're into country music, i'll be the cowboy. If they love to dance, i'll be the latin dancer. Point is, I wasn't doing these things to impress the chicks, I love those hobbies and spend my free time participating in them as it is. However, it doesn't hurt that these qualities are universally attractive to most chicks.

Become the most attractive person you can be in real life, create that congruency in your profile, and you will have success. Make your profile and life and extension of your actual personality. If you do this you will bridge the gap between fantasy and reality for many chicks.

I have to say that I wouldn't be here today though if it weren't for this site. I have grown more as a man in the past year than I have in my previous 26 years... I literally don't have time for all the women chasing me.

 

[dasein]

The height preference for women is mostly vanity, clothes look better, she looks better, crowds look better with a tall man. They will never admit this, so they fall back on the "safety" rationalization. Shorter men must tap into other female vanity to compensate.

Did very well OLD over time despite not being tall or a natural physically, it took time and effort to learn it, like learning a language or an instrument. If non-natural guys aren't willing to put that kind of effort into OLD, they probably should spend their time otherwise.

The most important thing I learned was to play to strengths. Get weaknesses to a manageable baseline, then go all out on improving strengths, and putting them in play at every opportunity. For the poster above who is the salsa cowboy, one of his big strengths is that he already liked to do things that women find appealing. For me, strengths are life accomplishments, voice, and verbal skills that make eliciting emotional responses in women easier. It takes some hard, honest reflection to even see past one's own BS to true strengths and weaknesses, once that's done, focus on strengths.

 

[Zarky]

... women are totally oblivious ...
... women don't mind wasting their own time and certainly not yours ...
... Women are too stupid to realize ...
... Women don't care ...

Damn son, you got some issues with women, don't you? I think you have enough issues that you should stop offering advice to people here and start reading more and taking some advice offered you.