Why didn't I ever get in a relationship?

[keemojung]

I always wonder why didn't I ever get in a relationship.

I am not too good-looking guy, but people consider me smart and tall in my country, Asian country. I am 184 cms tall and 74 kgs in weight with some muscle mass. I got no extra fat belly. My look is similar to Korean model look, although my face is not that handsome.

I used to be an introvert guy, somewhat nerd guy when I was in the high school. I barely talk to girls in my high school time.

However, things start to change when I choose to use contact lenses instead of wearing spectacles. You might not believe this, but the first night that I
put on contact lenses when going clubbing, I lost my virginity.

This happened like 1.5 yrs ago. I was around 19 when I lost my v-card. Now, I am 20. After that, my confidence started to kick in,

I have become more confident and hitting gym also help boost my confidence ever since. From that time, my ultimate goal when going clubbing is to do one-night-lay girl. There are times that hot girls are interested in me when going clubbing and also times that I got nothing. My social circle is quite small though, just few friends from uni and few friends from high school. How do i expand it? i just want to date more girls from my social circle, not just from cold approach.

Although I used to love one-night-stand and no string attached relationship,
the only time girls get in my life will be when I do the approach or when I got them from same-night-lay. My uni campus is too damn small that I don't any chances to meet girls from
other school departments. Usually I will do lots of approach during my summer holiday(2 months) where
I do my internship in metropolitan area where lots of hot girls work. I do very very few approach during when my school is still open. I just study and go clubbing when I have free time. My hobbies are playing badminton, hitting the gym, and watching movies at home.

The last summer I approached like 15 girls for two months. Some agreed to go out with me and it didn't work well bcuz I didn't like them and, for others, even though they give me their phone numbers, they just try to beat around the bush and I can't set up a date with them. I missed 2 girls that didn't give me their phone number.


My bottome line is even if I am considered average looking with some smart posture, why didn't I ever get into the relationship?

Even though banging some girls with no string attached is great, some will become attached with me after the sex. But, I still want just one good quality girl that will stay with me whenever I am happy or sad, one that is willing to hold my hand and walk along with me in my bad day, One that will be the first person I will see when I wake up.

My conversation skill is just normal. I do have some sense of humor. Girls are not bored when talking to me.

 

[Racecar]

A girl will not enter a relationship with you unless she knows what kind of person you are. When you see a girl you're interested in, build comfort, trust and attraction. Become her friend. Many guys get so wrapped up in seduction and sexuality that they forget that friendship is the basis for any meaningful relationship. A 'girlfriend' is just a different type of friend!

So meet her friends and have her meet yours. Intertwine your social circles. Once you're both comfortable enough with each other, tell her you want to begin an exclusive romantic relationship (in your own words, of course).

You seem to have a lot going for you. If you continue to put yourself out there, you will find a girl who recognizes and appreciates that.

 

[Strelok]

A girl will not enter a relationship with you unless she knows what kind of person you are. When you see a girl you're interested in, build comfort, trust and attraction. Become her friend. Many guys get so wrapped up in seduction and sexuality that they forget that friendship is the basis for any meaningful relationship. A 'girlfriend' is just a different type of friend!

So meet her friends and have her meet yours. Intertwine your social circles. Once you're both comfortable enough with each other, tell her you want to begin an exclusive romantic relationship (in your own words, of course).

You seem to have a lot going for you. If you continue to put yourself out there, you will find a girl who recognizes and appreciates that.

Of course, he should introduce her to his parents as well.

1)Really hard to build attraction,attraction is not a choice its either there or not, those who can create attraction are for sure beyond op's level.

2)Become her friend?! Really?

3)No a girlfriend is not a different type of friend, a fvck buddy is maybe

4)Group meeting are to avoid,they kill attraction when there is and are a highway to the friend zone, if she is used to see you with her friends guess what her mind will think...yeah u're one of them and most of all I fail to see how he can isolate and escalate if not on couple dates.
No need to tell about potential c0ckblocks or girls who will dislike him and do their best to convince her friend that she deserves better or sh1t testing him in front of her.

5)TELL her you want to begin a serious relationship?
No matter how good his words are I lost the count how many mature user in this board suggest to let the girl make that request, they are turned off from an easily available guy and even if it works the balance of power in the couple is unbalanced.


Not my intention to bust you mate but that last thing the guy needs are suggestions to reach the friend zone,he asked for a relationship not a loud mouth crying about some other guy.

 

[floydb25]

Racecar: No, no, no! Please, no! You can't become friends with a girl you are sexually attracted to. You HAVE to set the tone early on. It has to be known that this is a romantic interest.

Friendly feelings are NOT the same as romantic feelings, and people view you as you make them feel. Further, you have to ATTRACT them before any kind of relationship starts. You cannot skip the attraction phase. You can't act too relationshipy too soon.

You are doing a great diservice to yourself by going the friends route. You end up acting too nice, spilling your heart out, always being available... Not only is this stuff unattractive, but you end up way too attached. It's lose-lose. There's a lot more, but its all been covered already.

 

[Racecar]

You can't become friends with a girl you are sexually attracted to.

Become her friend?! Really?

You guys see the word friendship and your brains explode.

There's nothing wrong with becoming a girl's friend. If you don't like the word friend, substitute that with someone she is comfortable with, can trust, rely on and listen to. What the fvck do you call that? That's what a friend is.

Obviously you build attraction and sexually escalate, but building TRUST and RAPPORT is equally if not more important.

Group meeting are to avoid,they kill attraction when there is and are a highway to the friend zone

Girls use guys to SHOW OFF to their other girlfriends and make the JEALOUS. If you are a high quality guy that is desired by women, you gain social proof which helps establish attraction. Women want men who are wanted by other women. They want to take you and show you off like a PRIZE: "hey girls - look at this FUNNY, HANDSOME, CHARMING MAN I brought with me! You don't have someone as COOL as I do. I'm insecure and need to this POSITIVE FEEDBACK from my social circle!"

You are doing a great diservice to yourself by going the friends route.

I'm not telling OP to become an AFC. I'm saying treat her with the same amount of attention and respect that he would treat a friend. This means NOT to pedestal her or try too hard. It means acting naturally around her and letting his personality shine through - something that, from his post, seems like might be a problem.

 

[floydb25]

You should've said that the first time around... Yes, you want to be lovers and friends - not one or the other, if you're looking for a relationship. But still, the attraction is miles away from friendship. The two don't connect. You can't be their friend, and present the kind of initial attraction you want them to feel. It just doesn't work.

But, not all girls are like you say. Those status girls aren't relationship material. They just want a trophy to show off - then they go to the BBD.

 

[Racecar]

No matter how good his words are I lost the count how many mature user in this board suggest to let the girl make that request, they are turned off from an easily available guy and even if it works the balance of power in the couple is unbalanced.

The man sets the tone for the relationship. Do you "let her request" where she wants to go for dinner? Do you "let her request" where she wants to go on a date? No.

As a MAN, you LEAD the relationship at all times. Why would you sit around and wait for your girl to work up the courage to ask you to become exclusive? This is extremely PASSIVE. Power balance? Please. There is no power balance because you hold 100% of the power. When it's time to become exclusive, lead her and she will follow. You LEAD and she FOLLOWS at all times.

 

[Racecar]

the attraction is miles away from friendship. The two don't connect. You can't be their friend, and present the kind of initial attraction you want them to feel.

Compatibility is an overlooked part of attraction. In fact, compatibility is one of the most important aspects of Uncertainty Reduction Theory - a communication theory that seeks to explain how strangers interact with one another (the basis of relationship-building).

You can't build attraction without rapport and you can't establish rapport without compatibility. Said another way, she can't be attracted to you if she doesn't know who you are. If that does happen, the attraction is SUPERFICIAL and certainly not the type you want used to build a relationship. Superficial attraction is ASSUMED by the man provided he maintains an attractive physical presence. OP said he's a reasonably attractive guy. He should focus on created DEEP ATTRACTION which is done through uncertainty reduction. In other words, he should become her friend to create deep attraction and the eventual relationship he's after.

 

[keemojung]

I really appreciate every comments here.

Let me tell u sth more about me.

I just never found a girl who is suitable to be my potential lover,

not just fvck buddy. I used to have few of fvck buddies during my last summer holiday of 2 months. However, some are still attached to me. But, there are also some who said that I didn't make them feel special enough, so that we should be just friends, not fvck buddy.

I never ask a girl to get in relationship, only them that ask me. (They are the one I lay from going clubbing)

I always lead the interaction and always the one who set up the date.

If the girl is attracted to me, then she will tag along. But some of them

just try to play games with me, so I ditch them.


The problem now is still why did't I find one who is suitable for me to

get in the exclusive relationship?

Of course, right now, i really enjoy one-night-stand, but yeah

it is just a short term happiness. I just wanna experience the other

side of the coin that is having a relationship with good quality girl?

Why can't I find one with the way I am right now??

 

[Strelok]

Racecar I totally disagree with anything you said, if it works for you well done but If it was up to me your posts would do the "DONT DO IT" list for interacting with girls.

I read in your lines a mix of white knight, main stream education and a little bit of afc (no offence).

Girls use guys to SHOW OFF to their other girlfriends and make the JEALOUS. If you are a high quality guy that is desired by women, you gain social proof which helps establish attraction. Women want men who are wanted by other women. They want to take you and show you off like a PRIZE: "hey girls - look at this FUNNY, HANDSOME, CHARMING MAN I brought with me! You don't have someone as COOL as I do. I'm insecure and need to this POSITIVE FEEDBACK from my social circle!"

This doesnt make sense at all, if the op is high quality why he never had a relationship? we know plenty of uncompetent guy who have girls doing all the work beause of their value even for few days.

In your case you're actually talking about a 6'3 tall man with a muscular body a great car,dressed to impress and who is a ceo.
Any other average man would live a total different scenario in that case, I challenge anyone here to come and say "yeah I met her friend group than she bragged about me right after all her friends hitted on me", its more like a movie thing, those things dont happen to normal people in reality.
Any normal guy would be sh1t tested from all her friends just to see what kind of men he is, and if they dont like him you can be sure the girl wont give him a chance.

You give the impression to talking about some movie plot actually, that stuff happen only in tv.

As a MAN, you LEAD the relationship at all times. Why would you sit around and wait for your girl to work up the courage to ask you to become exclusive? This is extremely PASSIVE. Power balance? Please. There is no power balance because you hold 100% of the power. When it's time to become exclusive, lead her and she will follow. You LEAD and she FOLLOWS at all times.

Are you serious? I bet my mother or some girl would tell me the same line to convice me to behave in a certain way, sounds like a "MAN UP" invitation.
This is how it works in movies, in real life the same time you ask to be a couple and be exclusive is the same moment she asks herself why....she will most likely thing you wanna consolidate
your position to avoid competition and because she is the only choice you have in that moment= insecure with no other options.
ANY MAN who is desired from many girls and have access to frsh pvssy is the last one who want to be in an exclusive relation,its not rocket science watch yourself.

Do you think this is the best base for a relationship? seriously? 100% power in your hands? ahah mate please.

 

[keemojung]

So, all in all, what are your suggestions for me?

 

[PapiChulo]

Attraction first then Friendship, not the other way around. And going backwards is hella harder! I don't how the two people are supposed to connect if they are only thinking how nice it would be to bang each others brains out, but I rather have that over the feeling of familiarity and comfort any day.... It's like pouring gasoline over fire, providing you can offer more as a human being at a relationship level. Whatever you guys say, attraction is probably the most superficial and primeval drive there is......no matter what gender.... Hahaha. P. S. also you can be friends with women who you find sexually attractive.... with discipline.

 

[keemojung]

Attraction first then Friendship, not the other way around. And going backwards is hella harder! I don't how the two people are supposed to connect if they are only thinking how nice it would be to bang each others brains out, but I rather have that over the feeling of familiarity and comfort any day.... It's like pouring gasoline over fire, providing you can offer more as a human being at a relationship level. Whatever you guys say, attraction is probably the most superficial and primeval drive there is......no matter what gender.... Hahaha. P. S. also you can be friends with women who you find sexually attractive.... with discipline.

So you are suggesting me to improve my attraction game then ?

 

[backbreaker]

So, all in all, what are your suggestions for me?

you actually aren't doing anything wrong. you, unlike seemingly 99% of hte poeple here, understand the one night lay girl is what you want when you go clubbing.

you just need to talk to more women. you cannot make a woman something she is not. It doesn't matter how you approach a cat, a cat is going to be a cat regardless, because it's a cat. You will eventually find a woman that is suitable for more than one night lays if you keep trying.

you said you talked to 15 girls in months. When I was 21 years old I would do that in a good weekend running errands and going 0out to eat/ going shopping.

It's a numbers game. You are a smart guy.

For every 10 girls you approach, 3 of them will like you.

For every 3 girls who like you, 1-2 will set up a date with you. One will always flake out.

For every 5 or so dates you go on with new girls, 1 of the girls will be suitable to see again

For every 3 girls you see more than once, maybe one of them will be suitable for LTR

This is dealing with 100% cold approaches where no rapport has been built or anything like you are doing. If I got 40-50 numbers from girls I might see 3-4 of them more than once and I might see 1 of those more than that. I probably got close to 50 numbers in July of 04 and I went on a date damn near every night and I think I might have saw...4 of those girls in august.

But one of those 4, I dated for a year plus in december.

In sales, there is a term called "pounding the pavement". What that means is just keep talking to people and eventually someone will buy something. You can't sale something if you aren't talking to someone.


But do not try to force the issue. the issue will play out like it will play out. Don't make a girl who isn't interested or isn't comptable with you, something she is not.

 

[backbreaker]

As a MAN, you LEAD the relationship at all times. Why would you sit around and wait for your girl to work up the courage to ask you to become exclusive? This is extremely PASSIVE. Power balance? Please. There is no power balance because you hold 100% of the power. When it's time to become exclusive, lead her and she will follow. You LEAD and she FOLLOWS at all times.

this.. and i am not exaggerating, might be the worst advice i have ever read on sosuave. dude seriously you don't need to be given any0one any advice. You have no clue. it's like helen keller trying to tell ray charles how to find the grocery store.


The advice is so bad, it even goes against the Machiavellian concepts of not committing to anyone.

Law 20 ​

Do Not Commit to Anyone ​

It is the fool who always rushes to take sides. Do not commit to any side or cause but yourself. By maintaining your independence, you become the master of others – playing people against one another, making them pursue you.

A good rule of thumb if you don't know something in regards to women and game, is to ask yourself, what does the 48 laws of power say about this. They mesh suprsingly well. Your view point goes against the concept of power.

A man, should NEVER under any circumstances, ask to be exclusive. unless he's asking to be married. But dating, never. I don't care how great she is, how mjuch money she has, if you want to have any chance in having a normal fuctioning relationship, a man should NEVER ask a woman to be exlusive.

You have to realize, at a fundemantal level what is transpiring. When someone asks to date someone, you are basically saying "look, I wish to take you off the market. you are a catch, and so much of a catch where I don't want you to date other people, or have sex with other people".

The person who does this, who blinks first, has given the other person the upper hand in the relationship.

that's not to say she won't say yes. she probably will even. But you have already established a white knight schema and it's only going to get worse. you have already established that you need her more than she needs you, because you formally requested that she not fvck anyone else or date anyone else.


Not only do you not need to the person who asks, when she does ask, you need to say no. It should take more than a few dates and some good sex to lock you up. She needs to work for that ****. Everyone asks how i can be married and still have a wife who is still in tip top shape and who still is all over me like we just started dating last month.. and we've been together for al;most 4 years.. it all starts with the frame work. No relationship will last without the right frame. My wife is freaking crazy about me (and the feeling is likewise) ,but do you think she would be if I had asked her to date me the first time I saw her and tried to put a ring on her finger? she worked her ass off to become exclusive with me. It was actually kinda like the karate kid, in that I knew I really liked her so I made her work harder than I probably made any other girl I saw work. I made her cook, i spun plates honeslty longer than I even wanted to, I refused to see her more than 2 times a week regardless of how bad I wanted to. It took her about a month to ask me if I wanted to date her. We dn't start officially dating until 3 months later. I put that my baby through the ringer lol. But you have to look at it from my standpoint. EVery relatoiinship I had been in up to that point in my life, had pretty much gone horribly wrong, execpt for one, and the one was with a girl I told up front I was dating other girls and I didn't start dating her. I really liked this girl so I said dammit, by the time I date this girl this girl is going to be John Claude Van Dame Bloodsport ready lol,

I'm a firm believer in.. i'm not going to use that term here.. you have to break a woman down before you can date her. Espcially this day in age where women think they are running ****.



This was also how I got a girl who had just got out of a 6 year relationship with her ex when I met her, to basically never talk to hjim again by the time we started dating. you guys make it way too easy for these women. make a woman work for it and she will appropriate it more.


Never under any circumstances, ask a girl be exclusive. I mean, it's one thing if she's hinting at it like crazy and you formally ask. but you should never be the one that broaches the subject.

 

[keemojung]

you actually aren't doing anything wrong. you, unlike seemingly 99% of hte poeple here, understand the one night lay girl is what you want when you go clubbing.

you just need to talk to more women. you cannot make a woman something she is not. It doesn't matter how you approach a cat, a cat is going to be a cat regardless, because it's a cat. You will eventually find a woman that is suitable for more than one night lays if you keep trying.

you said you talked to 15 girls in months. When I was 21 years old I would do that in a good weekend running errands and going 0out to eat/ going shopping.

It's a numbers game. You are a smart guy.

For every 10 girls you approach, 3 of them will like you.

For every 3 girls who like you, 1-2 will set up a date with you. One will always flake out.

For every 5 or so dates you go on with new girls, 1 of the girls will be suitable to see again

For every 3 girls you see more than once, maybe one of them will be suitable for LTR

This is dealing with 100% cold approaches where no rapport has been built or anything like you are doing. If I got 40-50 numbers from girls I might see 3-4 of them more than once and I might see 1 of those more than that. I probably got close to 50 numbers in July of 04 and I went on a date damn near every night and I think I might have saw...4 of those girls in august.

But one of those 4, I dated for a year plus in december.

In sales, there is a term called "pounding the pavement". What that means is just keep talking to people and eventually someone will buy something. You can't sale something if you aren't talking to someone.


But do not try to force the issue. the issue will play out like it will play out. Don't make a girl who isn't interested or isn't comptable with you, something she is not.

Really appreciate your suggestion here.

So, I need to do more cold approaches and expand my social circle more then. I just didn't believe I can get a good quality girl to be my LTR from cold approaches, yeah, but I got no choices, so i will keep doing it and practicing my game.

I have just started doing cold approaches for the first time in my life during May 2011. Before that, I was just a freaking nerd who can't even look in the girl's eyes. Right now, it is getting so much better, I can approach girls, look in their eyes and smile calmly, but I still have some uneasy feeling when approaching the girl.

However, my courage to approach is not consistent. It is going to sarge to the very high level during my summer holiday where I do my intern in the metropolitan area. I meet so many hot girls during this period and I like that feeling. But, then, it falls down when I stop doing my intern and get into normal school life in very damn small campus where I hardly meet any girls other than my faculty. (Of course, these girls in my faculty is not my type, they are too innocent and do not even know how to manage their own life)

 

[Racecar]

The person who does this, who blinks first, has given the other person the upper hand in the relationship.

No. This does not matter in a mature, adult relationship. Men are natural leaders and should control the direction of the relationship, but even at that, how you behave in the relationship means more than something as silly as who initiated it. Why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks they have 'leverage' since you proposed the two of you start dating? That kind of thinking may work in fourth grade, but it ends there.

you have already established that you need her more than she needs you, because you formally requested that she not fvck anyone else or date anyone else.

Nothing is permanently established in a relationship based on one action alone. If a man initiates a relationship then follows it up with daily phone calls, flowers and supplication, then yes, there is a problem. However, if a man initiates a relationship and retains his individuality (by balancing the relationship with his career, family, friends and hobbies), maintains his masculinity (by approaching his interactions with the woman from a dominant perspective) and controls his sexuality (by physically and emotionally dominating the woman in the bedroom), there is no problem.

 

[Racecar]

I challenge anyone here to come and say "yeah I met her friend group than she bragged about me right after all her friends hitted on me", its more like a movie thing, those things dont happen to normal people in reality.

If she believes that you are a high-value man, she will want to show you off. When I use value, I'm not necessarily talking about how you look or what you have. I'm talking about how you make her FEEL. Can you positively influence a wide array of her feelings? A man's value in the eyes of a woman is linked to the number of emotions he can manipulate. Can you make her LAUGH? Can you make her THINK? Can you influence her PRIDE? Can you make her HORNY? Talk to enough woman and you'll find that they all want MULTI-DIMENSIONAL men. They do not desire the BORING AFCs who only nod in agreement and cater to their needs. Women crave EMOTIONAL STIMULATION. If you demonstrate the ability to CONTROL her emotions, she will see you as a high-value man.

she will most likely think you wanna consolidate your position to avoid competition and because she is the only choice you have in that moment= insecure with no other options

Men should approach women from this position: "I am a desirable male. My world is stable, I do not depend on anyone for my personal happiness and I am completely satisfied with where I am in life. I see you to be a desirable female who possesses the ability to add to my already fantastic life. Come with me."

Experience women from this perspective. Imagine life is a test. The ideal man has already scored 100% is looking for some extra credit. Women are life's extra credit. The flawed man makes the mistake of using that extra credit to help him pass the test. He is deficient in certain areas and use the woman as a means of compensation.