Why can't I get myself to go out more?

[BlahBBlah]

I just cannot bring myself to go to a bar or any other place tonight. Thing is, I have no one to go with as my friends are at other places and plus I don't want to drink and drive. Not my thing at all. Already sort of risked it one time (although two beers and then waiting an hour after drinking them is barely anything, but the cop could still nail you for blowing a .01 or whatever).

Although I have been improving a little lately, but still my usual shy self who knows hardly anyone here at this college let alone my residence. The only solution is to simply start with this "not giving a ****" attitude and you have to keep it going and going. I'm a brilliant person when it comes to academics and with the fascinating internship I have lined up for this summer, but I still suck at just relaxing and having fun. Although, the other day I actually wanted to go out for a change and have fun but I was tied down with tons of papers to do. Such is life, but if I learned one thing, it's that you have to change yourself. Nothing else, and I mean nothing else at all, will get you out of this rut.

I feel like my time at this college has been wasted doing all of this work and never meeting people here. I have rarely gone out to socialize my entire time here. And I know it's no one's fault that I am in this rut but my own. I just lose motivation to even do so most of the time. And then sometimes I sort of want to go, but then I make tons of excuses like I just did above (granted that the drinking and driving excuse is a good one after all). Alright, need to gather some strength to overcome this ... as for how ... guess I will have to figure it out on my own.

 

[Dante3214]

Alright alright... at least you know what the fvck is going on!

Remember, stay positive. I don't care if you just **** yourself in front of a fine trio of bikini models, think only of the good possibility, however little chance it has of happening.

Socialanxietysupport.com

You probably have anxiety issues like me, and I wouldn't be suprised if you didn't know that.


Listen... I feel bad because I've been down this path before, yet I cannot utter fantastic words of wisdom, but here's something to live by...


"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."


If you want to be a little more aggressive, then just fvcking do it.

NOW WAIT!!!!

I know I sound like everyone else... but trust me... if you have the right ATTITUDE instead of a "oh my god I must avoid this situation!" type attitude, then things will slowly sort themselves out. So what if you have no friends to go with? Go anyway.

So what if it will be emotionally painful.. well.. what isn't at this point?

Want to be with people when alone, and want to be alone when around people... lol...

Seriously, adopt a this-pain-isn't-that-fvcking-serious-because-it's-not-any-worse-than-anything-else-I've-experienced
attitude.

It may be a little melodramatic, possibly even unreasonable.



BUT REALITY IS FOR PESSIMISTS!!!



hope I helped (trust me, it's impossible to go backwards)

 

[BlahBBlah]

And what about the drinking and driving bit of that? Because I sure as heck wouldn't go there being completely sober, lol.

I know what you're trying to say. I just need to start actually doing something about this instead of going out once in a while, having some hope, and then just sort of quitting until the next time I have enough courage.

 

[organizedconfusion]

wanna know a secret? i am horribly self-concious in public, in a good mood and when i get enough rest- i am the most attractive person in the room and i carry myself differently.On a bad day, i am horribly self-concious and a nervous wreck and it's painfull just to be in public ..but you what? i go out anyways, i go to the bars,clubs,the mall anyplace for that matter..alone.

even if i don't want to sometimes, i just do it to be out there because i know it's good for me.don't stress over it..just do it, once you are out there you'll realize that it's not soo scary after all. it's the thought of it and the anxiety playing the scanarios over and over again in your mind thats paralizing you..not the fear itself, but the antipation of the fear.You are putting too much pressure to socialize and meet people ,it'll just make you want to do it even less and make you awkward when you do..the best thing to do is just to play it cool..you are in school right? well see it this way, a club/bar is nothing more then a classroom ,but with music,beer and dancing- different enviroment and attitude- but the people,yes people are just as the same as in your glasses.Everyones just there to have a good time, no one even cares if you're alone-wearing your lucky shirt,nervous or whatever..don't be soo self-absorbed..you are not that important. Go out ,enjoy yourself and just do it..don't think about it soo much,it'll all come to you.

the problem is that you may look at this like a problem you need to solve like it's school work..don't,it'll only mess with your head..you don't need a game plan or a to do list man..you're just going to hang out..so hang out,scope out the scene and chill- no need to cluster your mind up with soo many things to do and say..just go out there just to be out there.

Here is a tip- on the days you feel like the most crap and self-concious,those are the days where you grow the most from just going out and being out there..why? because it forces you to deal with the emotions that discomfort you and that action alone is the first step to dealing with it in real time..not in your mind or on a peice of paper..goal 1- be more social goal 2- go out more..thinking about the problems only worsen it, acting on a solution- takes steps towards surpassing it..
don't think of it as going out alone because you have no one else to go with, think of it as having total complete freedom over the choices you have to come and go as you please to any bar/club ...firce indepence..

 

[BlahBBlah]

I feel like such a loser going to these places alone though no matter how hard I try to change my perspective on it. I just feel really weird when I do it and it ****s up my time at the place. Again, I see what you're saying. I'll consider going tomorrow night, but still, I can't deal with drinking and driving charges.

 

[organizedconfusion]

you worry too much

 

[BlahBBlah]

But seriously, DUI charges would suck a lot. Just saying.

 

[flu]

But seriously, DUI charges would suck a lot. Just saying.

An easy way to solve this... DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE then. Take a cab, have a friend drive etc. Problem solved. :cheer:

 

[organizedconfusion]

But seriously, DUI charges would suck a lot. Just saying.

you're making excuses,if you need alcohal to unwinde then you should do it sobber (bar hoping/clubbing) first and learn to enjoy it with a clear mind- before you unwinde with the booze...it'll only turn into another bad habit. if you need a beer or two to talk to a girl..get off the crutch man! talk to her sober for gods sakes! the anxious jittery feeling? you MUST get over that before you make any REAL success...trust me, i am still getting over mine-after the first four approaches under your belt for that night..you'll become more confident geez, you sound like you need alot of hand holding and all the help you can get..maybe you should just try holding a conversation with a girl before you try being a hot shot seducer with them :crazy:

i don't know your situation, but it only gets better if you make a desicion to get better..it's up to you man

 

[BlahBBlah]

I barely drink alcohol at all really. Just at bars or other social gatherings which is rarely. And even when I do, I only drink a couple of beers and then that's it. I just like to get a bit of a buzz and throw out some of the super strong inhibitions I always have so that I will open my mouth more around people. Otherwise, I'm sitting there like a vegetable not doing anything and thinking about what I could say to someone that wouldn't be stupid. The only kind of conversations I'm good at are academic-related. When I just try to talk for fun, I am really really bad at it. Never know what to say or anything. I wonder how some people can talk like that all day.

 

[Q-Pid]

I wish the mods closed these attention-seeking threads.

Go out if you want to. Succeed if you want to. You're what's stopping yourself, nothing anyone here says can fix that for you.

Stop asking questions and start looking for answers. Self-discovery is simple as you have the entire interenet at your fingertips.

 

[BlahBBlah]

Not trying to seek attention but you're always entitled to your opinion of course.

 

[Boschy]

BlahBBlah, you are brave to post your predicament here. Good on you. Admitting you have a problem and asking for help is the first step to solving it, so well done.

Unfortunately, this DJ forum is kind of a master-class post-graduate programme, not an orientation day seminar. What you are experiencing, and it is quite common plus I had to deal with it when I was your age going to uni, needs a paradigm shift in your social interactions and self-esteem and attitude. These things cannot be advanced here with a couple of posts.

As far as your immediate problem goes, i.e. how to visit bars and drink without getting stung for DUI, I know what you mean. I am a drinker and love to hang out in bars and pubs. Luckily I can get inexpensive public transport all night (Friday and Saturday anyway) so I don't have to drive.

Consider this approach: what you need are a few 'locals'. These are bars that you visit regularly, at least once a week. Start with one venue, your favourite, and just hang out there. Drink one beer when you arrive to relax you, then move on to non-alcoholic drinks for the rest of the night. Enjoy the buzz, watch people interact, listen to the music, but most importantly: establish a rapport with the bar staff, male or female. Ask their names and introduce yours formally, offer to shake hands, then remember their names and use them. People love it when others know their name and use it. Talk to them, make small chit chat about the weather. They are good at it and expect it from patrons all the time. These people will become your surrogate friends. Don't whine and be negative, otherwise they will start to ignore you. Just talk about uni, movies, ask them how their night's been, what time they are finishing, how long they have been working there, and whatever else comes to mind. Also ask the bar staff what tasty non-alcoholic drinks they would recommend. Compliment the venue, even ask to chat to the owner if he or she is in. If they are not busy, they will appreciate the attention. Sometimes the ower(s) actually works behind the bar, too.

After a few weeks, you'll feel comfortable enough there to go and not feel as though you're alone all the time. Now what does this do for you? It establishes that bar as your turf. You know who the regular punters are and who are out for the first time. Watch who comes in, remember faces, clothes. Who is good at pool? Who drinks a lot? Who stays till closing time? Get into the habit of saying hello to the other regulars when they are at the bar. Take a book to read while you are there. Study if you feel like it. This will make look you less like you are in mortal terror and more casual and approachable. Plus the book (and bag) will give you a home base in the bar if you want to sit in the same spot all the time. Just note that moving around will help you to feel comfortable there, too.

Now about the bar zone. This is where you can talk to anyone without fear of breaking boundaries. Hang out there and wait for people to stand beside you to make an order. If they seem friendly, say very casually, "Howdy, how's your night going?" Either that or when you see what s/he is ordering, say something like, "Hey, good choice." Anything will do to break the ice. If they seem chatty, introduce yourself, and ask his/her name and remember it, then shake hands. (Yes you are talking to men and women here. It is important to learn to talk to anyone.) The hand shake is an excellent formally accepted kino method of breaking down the 'stranger danger' barrier.

If you feel as though you must drink an excessive amount of booze to relax, then you have another sort of problem. Try my suggestions next time you're there. It sounds like you are using booze to calm your nerves around strangers. This is a natural impulse, but one that becomes unnecessary once you gain confidence. You are a brain box...anyone would be happy to know you and talk.

If you are a drinker, you'll notice that early in the evening, people stick to their own groups. Later, when the alcohol kicks in, they will loosen up and mix with other patrons more readily. So I suggested that you stick to talking to the bar staff initially, then move on to other people in the room, unless you're at the bar, which means you're 'allowed' to talk to pretty much anyone.

Hope that helps. Keep us informed of progress and yes, re-read the DJ tips inbetween visits to the venue.

 

[BlahBBlah]

Take a book to read while you are there. Study if you feel like it.

At a bar? I've never seen anyone do that ever. I don't think I could do that without people starting to make fun of me.

You have some good suggestions. It's just that every time I go I'm always spending more time trying to think about what to say next instead of just sitting back and relaxing. I absolutely suck at small talk and especially with keeping a conversation alive and interesting.

Too late to go tonight. I really just wasn't in the mood anyway. So I've been doing the usual Saturday night studying/doing school stuff or reading non-school stuff the whole night. There, I said it. No roommates around, no people around, no one to go with anywhere, every weekend, so my only choice is start going out places alone which will be ackward as hell for a while but maybe I will get used to it.

 

[itishe]

Do what you really want to do to enjoy your time. Eventually you'll meet others who are into the same stuff/the old friends will see you're having a good time and want to start coming with you.

This may not totally fit your situation, but I see it as this: just do what you truly want to do, and if others join you that's awesome. So if you don't feel like getting drunk to fit in, then don't, go to a concert if that's what you want to do.

 

[Boschy]

At a bar? I've never seen anyone do that ever. I don't think I could do that without people starting to make fun of me.

You have some good suggestions. It's just that every time I go I'm always spending more time trying to think about what to say next instead of just sitting back and relaxing. I absolutely suck at small talk and especially with keeping a conversation alive and interesting.

Too late to go tonight. I really just wasn't in the mood anyway. So I've been doing the usual Saturday night studying/doing school stuff or reading non-school stuff the whole night. There, I said it. No roommates around, no people around, no one to go with anywhere, every weekend, so my only choice is start going out places alone which will be ackward as hell for a while but maybe I will get used to it.

Well, depends what kind of bar it is. I know plenty that have tables free, especially early in the evening. When everthing is pumping and the band starts and drinks get spilled, well, obviously you can't have your nose in a book.

So yeah, what I am saying is go out and not bother talking to people, just relax and chat up the bar staff casually, i.e. a couple of words hear and there, say when you go to get a drink. Forget the other patrons for now. If they are not regulars, you won't be able to see them again unless you get their details and meeting up at the next venue they visit. That's not easy. Start with small steps. I go out alone and love it. I have total freedom.

If you need help with conversations, you really need to re-read the DJ tips for conversations. These are no-brainers. You have to realise also that when the brain is stressed, logical thought becomes very difficult. This includes conversation. It is a catch-22 that can only be overcome by practice. You're smart....just think of all this as acquiring skills and knowledge, not as a personal shortcoming, which seems to be the result, but you can turn it around, because no-one else out at a venue knows you're tense and shy, do they? No.

 

[Dude2Stud]

I am sometimes very self concious and I hate it because it brings me in a fvck-damnit mood.

I'll try the resting tip. I've noticed somedays I feel so fvcking good about myslef and everything fits in its place when I take a good rest. If I start being self concious I'll take your tip, I'll go walk to the park or something.

Blah, you should join a sport or something, there you will see people who you never saw before and it can be a good start for making friendships for example, I would watch some soccer games in T.V. to get more information about players etc... So when I go to the practice I would have something to talk about like, "Oh you saw Saturday's game? It was awesome! "I'm trying to do this soccer trick, can you do it?"

 

[Duffty]

You should do something that involves talking ? Maybe a telephone survey, retail job or teaching/tutoring job ? I heard good thing about "ToastMasters" public speaking club.

 

[BlahBBlah]

Yeah guess I'll have to go alone. It's inevitable. One time I went to a party alone and when I came in, everyone was staring at me like I was some freak for like 5 seconds. And finally some other guy says "oh it's fine he's cool I know him". The entire time I was there I felt extremely self-conscious because of that. I guess I am just scared of other peoples' judgements about me. I'm not sure why I'm so scared, because I like who I am.

 

[organizedconfusion]

it's most likely a sub-concious reaction, i have that too that i am working on.Something in the past might have triggered this response in you at one time or another conciously making you self-concious at the time and eventually it just became a habit..everytime you sense a situation that would make you self-concious or are put into a situation where you have programmed yourself to be self-concious, it will happen automaticly- eventhough in present time you truly don't care about it anymore,but it's soo wired into your brain to feel that way automaticly because of the mental habit... it's best to break free of that habit by taking action and working through it. i am horribly self concious at times also the way i work through it is to expose myself to the uneasy feelings as much as possible and feeling them completly in it's rawest form,eventually the feelings fade and i understand it more..