why are guys scared to approach?

[MackToBe]

Originally posted by Cheat_LBJ
I think failing at approaches is an entirely different species of failure than most things.

When you approach, you're basically opening yourself up to judgment completely. You approach a woman, and you are instantly judged on appearence and looks. If she does not feel you are attractive, you get rejected. If you pass the initial screening, you start to display your personality. If she doesn't like what she hears, you get rejected.

Those kinds of rejections are deeply personal and cut directly to the heart of who or what we are. It's not like failing a test...failing a test is merely a "rejection" of one aspect of your knowledge. However, getting rejected by a woman is being personally rejected. You, as a person, have been rejected. That's powerful stuff...being told that you are unworthy of someone's attention.

Now, the way this is mitigated, naturally, is by someone else affirming you and giving you their attention or being attracted to you. Thus, fear of rejection is lessened with the knowledge that it's not really just you, it's partially them (it's not that you're some kind of troll, it's that they and you aren't compatible...but there are some people out there who ARE compatible with you).

Personally, I have never once succeeded off an approach. I keep doing them, I keep trying, but my fear of failure never diminishes because I have no success to hang my hat on. At this point, I'm just numb to the rejection and keep doing it because it gives my friends amusing things to talk about, but I can EASILY see how someone in my position (never had a single bit of positive feedback) would eventually become paralyzed with fear.

I think you couldn't of explained it better. It's like when you were in school or college and you try and make friends but people don't want to know you no matter how friendly you are. That is rejection and rejection hurts. The key is not to take rejection seriously.

 

[Q-Pid]

As most of the forum people here are aged 18-early twenties - they don't have a fully developed sense of danger. And thusly overhype the danegrs of being rejected. Those older men who have trouble approaching (25+) are that way because they've assimilated a false sense of danger from societal values.

You only live once - but your sexual peak (18-22) also happens to be at the very same time a mans sense of danger is skewed. I assume this is natures way of alllowing people to attract mates without worrying abotu the consequences. Although this contradicts my first idea...

BAH!

 

[pimpfromdayone]

Yeah, you're right, some girls don't want to be bothered, I have seen it before, but most want to be approached.... how else are they gonna find guys? It's not like they're doing any work to get them. Clubs and parties are arguably the best place to get girls, although I stay away from both because those girls aren't my type. At my college library, girls go there for the sole purpose of getting approached, and pretend to study- at least most are pretending. In stores, like at the mall, I have found sometimes that women shopping together for clothes just don't want to be fu-cked with. They are too important to talk to anyone at that time, they must focus on the task at hand, getting the very best clothes for looking as good as possible.... but yet they don't like to be hit on. Girls at work are very open to flirting, it's fun to give them a hard time, maybe one reason is because it takes away some of their boredom, I don't know. The only thing is, sometimes they hold a lot back since they don't want to be fired or whatever. Girls in college classes now, that is a prime opportunity. Almost every girl is open to you in there. Walking around campus, some girls are truly busy so you might find some resistance there if they're between classes, but usually not, and you'll be able to tell by their body language/walking pace. Girls all at some point or another have to be approached or talked to by SOMEONE, so I don't see why the fu-ck they think they're so important they don't have time for a little bit of talking every now and then. Maybe those are all just the bit-ches. Oh yeah, how hot you are will often determine how willing they are to talk to you, that's the hard truth, but if you're smart you'll know how to get around that. It is good to stay away from shallow women anyway.

 

[h2o]

seems like an interesting thread ... i'm going to have to read it later ... maybe this should be stickied? or taken to archives?

... seems like a good thing to read over

 

[Cheat_LBJ]

Originally posted by ~ªêQµïTª$~
No offence to you, but thats BULLSH!T!!

1) In a club, i would say that at LEAST 80% of the girls there would WANT a hot guy approaching them, maybe 10 or 20% of the girls in a club are there to just "have a good time". And yes, part of having a good time IS the fact of hooking up with some hot guy.

2) It doesnt matter if ur in a 7/11 or in a club, if a chick is in the presence of a hot guy, she WOULD want him to approach her (given that she is single).

Yeah, but there are some major league caveats that you're throwing into this argument:

"...with some hot guy"
"...in the presence of a hot guy"

So how much of this do you think really depends solely on looks? I'm sure there's not a girl alive that wouldn't mind being approached by the hot 7-10 guy anywhere she's at...but where do the rest of us schlubs in the 4-5-6 range factor into this thought pattern? Especially in these much more limited settings, like a 7-11, where you've really got to make an impression in the short time you're sharing the same space and looks are going to matter much more as to whether or not she pauses in her daily routine to give you time of day (to say nothing of actually giving a phone number and not flaking).

Take someone like myself; I clearly do not fall anywhere near the "hot guy" category (closer to the 4-5 range), so what's the realistic expectation for how interested a girl is in being approached? Is it like it is for guys, where we all would love to be approached by a hottie, but get embarassed and try to bail out of a conversation whenever a fattie comes up? Based on my experience at approaching, that seems to be the case.

This is a good discussion, and healty for this site, I think.

 

[pimpfromdayone]

I don't ever act embarassed or bit-chy if a fattie hits on me or approaches me, that is just ass-hole behavior. Some of you will say those girls will make you look bad if you're seen talking with them, but I beg to differ. If you are clearly a better looking person than those girls, it should help your image when hot girls see you being friendly with them.... you should be friendly with everyone, ugly or hot. Being seen with hot girls obviously helps even more. Now, about your question, I think that appearance does make a big difference right when you approach, but I also believe how you act and the personality you portray can make a big difference too. For instance, if a girl starts to basically give you the cold shoulder, you can possibly save yourself by throwing the attitude back at her. If you look good, of course things are much easier, and people are much friendlier with you (I know, life isn't fair). I still think you're better off approaching people anywhere you want and stop worrying about "if it is a good time for them." Fuc-k them. This is YOUR dam-n reality, and I own the fu-cking campus too.

 

[BrotherAP]

Well, I googled this question because I was a bit curious and found this response from some other message board to a guy who was asking about approaching girls:

Well in order to say "no" there has to be a question to which you can answer with "no." Like "Would you like to dance?" or "May I buy you a drink?" or "Would you like to go out with me?" or "Would you like me to f*ck you?"

I've had guys who would sit at my table (they would ask me if they can, but they are always acquaintances of my acquaintances so I have to say 'yes' and they count on that!). I am already in a bad mood cuz I know they will hit on me and they are completely not my type. So questions about my life start. I answer them with a smile, but keep a safe distance by answering shortly and not asking them anything. NOW ISN'T IT OBVIOUS ALREADY THAT I AM NOT INTERESTED?!?!?

It obviously isn't... So they ask me if they may come see my studio and I tell them it's closed for public. Or they ask me about the clubs where I hang out or sing and I say I don't know and I don't go out. Then I act like I am not interested, I look at another side, drink my wine, talk to my girlfriend, etc. Then they get it and either walk away completely offended or start attacking me that I am hostile or narcissistic or in a bad mood. So after wasting an hour of my life on people I never even intended to meet, they give me a hard time, because I am not interested in them, although I was totally kind and polite to them.

Now at which point should I have said: "I figure that you're making advances at me, but I am not interested in you"? The point is that these guys perfectly understand that they can't have me, but they just want to try their luck and think they have nothing to lose. So I waste my time on people I am not even interested in talking to and it's my fault that I wasn't thrilled about spending time with them. And usually these guys are way beyond any criteria of attractiveness (and I don't mean just physical).

I've had nice conversationalists in my company and I liked talking to them. And some of them were really nice guys. But interestingly, those guys would always figure out on time that I don't share the same desire of getting to know them better.

I think every guy needs to approach a girl gradually and read her signs; not to put her in a position where she has to say "yes" because otherwise she would be a total *****. If you approach a girl and say "hi" she has no choice left but to say "hi" back. Then you ask her questions and she can either answer them politely and ignore you in the breaks or pretend that she likes your company (let's suppose that it's not true) and after a while when you ask her for her phone number she says "Sorry I can't give you my number" thinking to herself how you bothered her.

I would recommend that you approach a girl and ask her a few questions and say a few things about you. If she seems to be interested (looks you in the eye, smiles, laughs, her eyes sparkle, her body language says "you make me feel like a woman", she asks question and shows great interest in what you're saying...) then you can precede. If she looks around, answers your questions shortly, doesn't ask you anything then she probably isn't interested.

If you're not sure then ask her if she would like to join you at some table or let you buy her a drink and if her reactions is basically "you go ahead, I'll stay here" then forget her!

So guys say women are inconsiderate, but I often feel that guys are inconsiderate when they approach me, bug me, waste my time, and pretend to not see that I am not interested. Moreover, if a woman is talking to every guy who wants to talk to her, how will Mr. Right approach her? Will he stand in a line and yell "Hey, hurry up, there are more of us who want to talk to her? Are you done yet?"

Finally, how would you feel if every time you go out, girls that you find totally unattractive approach you and want to talk to you, dance with you, buy you drinks, not let you talk to other women (cuz they are around all the time) and finally get completely offended when you refuse to go out with them?

Hearing this kind of stuff probably makes many guys morbidly terrified of approaching girls

 

[Climax]

Originally posted by Cheat_LBJ
Yeah, but there are some major league caveats that you're throwing into this argument:

"...with some hot guy"
"...in the presence of a hot guy"

So how much of this do you think really depends solely on looks? I'm sure there's not a girl alive that wouldn't mind being approached by the hot 7-10 guy anywhere she's at...but where do the rest of us schlubs in the 4-5-6 range factor into this thought pattern? Especially in these much more limited settings, like a 7-11, where you've really got to make an impression in the short time you're sharing the same space and looks are going to matter much more as to whether or not she pauses in her daily routine to give you time of day (to say nothing of actually giving a phone number and not flaking).

Take someone like myself; I clearly do not fall anywhere near the "hot guy" category (closer to the 4-5 range), so what's the realistic expectation for how interested a girl is in being approached? Is it like it is for guys, where we all would love to be approached by a hottie, but get embarassed and try to bail out of a conversation whenever a fattie comes up? Based on my experience at approaching, that seems to be the case.

This is a good discussion, and healty for this site, I think.

Well yes, looks DO have a big role in "the game", no matter HOW good of a dj u are, if u dont have decent looks, i doubt ur game will be able to be strong at all. Think about it, just like u wouldnt want ugly chicks approaching you, the same goes for women not really wanting ugly guys hitting on them, hence i said "hot" guys.

This also has a lot to do with age, though.... when chicks are young, they dont look for a marriage material person, where the personality counts, they rather go mainly for looks. The older chicks seem to be more attracted to the whole "personality" thing.

I would post a longer reply, but i'm on my way out.


Laterz...

Laterz...

 

[kav_3]

Well i'm sort of one those guys, but i'm getting over it i've approached 2 chicks so far in college, one today and one last week, and when I approached today I felt so calm like it was nothing, and now i'm wondering why it was so hard in the first place, i'm going to keep on trying to approach chicks this week and if I do it without getting scared, i'll post a fr at the end of the week or something.

 

[Cheat_LBJ]

Originally posted by BrotherAP

Hearing this kind of stuff probably makes many guys morbidly terrified of approaching girls

Incidentally, that's exactly the same things my female friends tell me. And, after hearing that enough, every time I go and do an approach, I'm costantly hearing the voice in the back of my head saying: "You're bothering her, there's no way she's into you." etc.

It's tough.

 

[pimpfromdayone]

THAT women who wrote that big post on how she hates being approached needs to shut the fu-ck up.... so what if she is forced to spend 15 minutes out of her day talking to strangers? That is tough shi-t. She is obviously attractive, and she acts like she is too important to be friendly with people. She has never had to lift a finger to get guys and she gets daily confidence boosts but she has to be all bitter about it. Since when did the world revolve around her? "Mr. Right" as she calls him, would NEVER even exist to her if she never got approached. I absolutely despise bit-ches like that. If ugly girls want to talk to me, even attempt to get in my pants, buy me drinks, I will be friendly with them, and I will thank God I am so beautiful. That little bit-ch doesn't even know how lucky she is. Many girls would kill to be in her position. Fu-ck her and all girls like her, and let us continue to approach all we want until we find one who does like us.

 

[TubularBells28]

^^seriously, what a ****ing *****.

 

[ShyRyder]

Originally posted by Cheat_LBJ
I think failing at approaches is an entirely different species of failure than most things.

When you approach, you're basically opening yourself up to judgment completely. You approach a woman, and you are instantly judged on appearence and looks. If she does not feel you are attractive, you get rejected. If you pass the initial screening, you start to display your personality. If she doesn't like what she hears, you get rejected.

Those kinds of rejections are deeply personal and cut directly to the heart of who or what we are. It's not like failing a test...failing a test is merely a "rejection" of one aspect of your knowledge. However, getting rejected by a woman is being personally rejected. You, as a person, have been rejected. That's powerful stuff...being told that you are unworthy of someone's attention.

Now, the way this is mitigated, naturally, is by someone else affirming you and giving you their attention or being attracted to you. Thus, fear of rejection is lessened with the knowledge that it's not really just you, it's partially them (it's not that you're some kind of troll, it's that they and you aren't compatible...but there are some people out there who ARE compatible with you).

Personally, I have never once succeeded off an approach. I keep doing them, I keep trying, but my fear of failure never diminishes because I have no success to hang my hat on. At this point, I'm just numb to the rejection and keep doing it because it gives my friends amusing things to talk about, but I can EASILY see how someone in my position (never had a single bit of positive feedback) would eventually become paralyzed with fear.

Yah I second this!
Especially living in the society we do today where self worth is constantly taking hits. My personal experience is I’ll go on a run of 3 to 4 approaches and then slowly taper off as the rejections come. I won’t consciously decide to stop but focus on other things until approaching is on the back burner. Not having a habit of approach is why rejection hurts and approaching habitually is the way around it. I need to start an approach journal.

 

[animal crackers]

Guys are scared of rejection/emberassment.

Whoever it was that said he's afraid of approaching the girls he KNEW he would succeed with is retarted, and has too big of an ego in his head. You may or may not succeed with any particular woman. The best you can do is give it a shot.

There's a time and a place for guys to HIT on girls. Although I wouldn't even call it hitting on them, more like flirting.

What's wrong with talking with people about interesting things going on in your mind? What girl would reject something to spice her day up a little bit. You're not HITTING on her at the beginning, at least that's what I believe is the best way, unless you want to be known around school/work as the sleazy guy who picks up all the girls.

I would only 'hit' on her after some sort of indicators of interest. This sets up the dynamic that you CANT get rejected because you are just being friendly, and if she is busy or in a bad mood (like that girl who wrote that essay) then it's not your fault.


Honesly though, girls LOVE to be approached. Really get that into your heads. Don't YOU love to get approached? Even if the girl isn't hot it at least feels good that another person took interest in you.

We're all DYING for attention in this world. Be the guy who loves women and loves life, and you will be successful.



animal crackers

 

[Tazman]

I know you're supposed to just go out there and do it, but for a 26 y/o guy who hasn't had a gf in 10 years, it's really hard to find confidence in your abilities. In fact, that's the very thing that scares me, my lack of experience is my biggest fear. If had atleast something, some prior knowledge to fall back on I know I wouldn't be as afraid. Sadly, the few times I tried to make something happen it just fell apart. Where do you find the inspiration to push through when you have nothing but bad memories. I'm finding it to be almost impossible to have a "positive" attitude and of course this directly affects my game. It's like a vicious cycle.

Just venting I guess.

 

[AIR-PILOT]

Guys fear rejection...
We have EGOs you know...
Become confident with yourself and all of this bullcrap of being scared will go away.

 

[pimpfromdayone]

Taz, so what? Nobody ever has to know how much experience you've had. If you're worried that the girls will think less of you, just lie, who cares, they'll never know the difference anyway.

 

[donovan]

I think you guys need some inner game help. Approaching isn't anything for me anymore. I actually love to get out and meet girls, and they sense that I don't have any motives other than that, and if it progresses, they are SO much more likely to give their number.

You just have to reframe it from "Picking up" to "Getting to know", this will help you overcome the fear of "rejection". If you do that, what are they rejecting? A great conversation with an incredible guy.

You need to get that into your heads. Get a dating book. I advise Double Your Dating. It helped me.

Links to that stuff is on my blog if you want to check it out sometime.http://attraction-chronicles.blogspot.com

 

[pimpfromdayone]

If you're referring to the double-your-dating ebook, I have to disagree... that book taught me nothing I didn't already know or that this site doesn't teach too. I love to meet girls too, but it's really only because I LIKE them, haha, no matter how I trick myself into it. I know what you're saying, but deep down I bet you do it not because you want to meet them, but because you want to hook up with some of them.

 

[donovan]

I agree partially. You can reframe your mind so you want to get to know them so you qualify them. Which is what I've managed to do. Deep down hooking up is primal.

So really, it doesn't cross my mind that I want to hook up with them, until they convince me of that. They qualify by: getting jokes, interesting conversation, etc...

If you know DYD then you shouldn't have any problem approaching any girl, I'm probably teaching the people with less experience than you. Especially if your a student of this kind of discipline.