Why am I such a wimp about approaching?

[Darth]

This is so painful it hurts. I'm in the dining hall finishing with dinner. There's this beautiful girl with curly hair...on a scale of 1 to 10 she's like 11. So I walk past her twice and check her out both times as I'm on my way to do other stuff.

So I'm done with dessert, I get up, and she turns around from the ice cream machine and looks out in my direction nonchalantly. As I put my coat on she puts a hand on her hip and keeps looking in my direction. I turned my head...I almost made eye contact but then wussed out. She was still standing there. In fact she was standing in such a way that I would've had to push past her to get out the door.

So I physically just stand there, paralyzed with fear. Then finally I make a decision....the wrong decision. I walk the other way and take a roundabout way to another exit.

I feel like such a loser right now. What a step backwards.

Please, I need some help so that this never happens again...I've read the DJ Bible and I know I need to do a Boot Camp at some point, but what do you guys do to psych yourselves up before you just approach a girl.

I came up with all these reasons why I couldn't...I didn't know if my hair was brushed, I wasn't in the right mood, fear that I would say something stupid...all this bad stuff.

I feel like such a chicken because there wasn't any question whether she was interested- she was and I knew it. For some reason that made me WAY more nervous than if I didn't know, especially considering her looks.

Damn.

 

[It's-Me]

Damn we've all experienced this man. You just have to be willing to grow some balls, and approach even if you feel scared. The more you do it, the less you'll be afraid and the easier it will be.

You can always get into a good mood before you go out so it makes approaching easier. You can workout, dress really nice, listen to some music, whatever makes you feel good.

 

[scribblec]

the 3 second rule is ur friend in situations like this, if you had gone up to her within that time limit you wouldnt be thinking bull**** thoughts like

I came up with all these reasons why I couldn't...I didn't know if my hair was brushed, I wasn't in the right mood, fear that I would say something stupid...all this bad stuff.

so next time keep that in mind, uve been here for over 3 years you should know better ;o

 

[dbot]

Fuck man I know it's tough to get past but just get it over with and do it. Do it. You can never have approach anxiety ever again. All you have to do is approach 20 women every day for a month. It doesn't matter what you say as long as you attempt to close at some point (ask for a number, a date, etc.) Success makes no difference, as long as you make 20 approaches every day. Just go to the mall or somewhere where there are a lot of people and don't let yourself leave until you've met your quota. Sound tough? The first 3 or 4 will be difficult, but then it becomes very easy, and if you can make it through the whole month without cheating, you will never hesitate again when approaching gorgeous women.

Write your assignment down on a note card EVERY SINGLE DAY and keep it with you when you go out, so you can keep a running tally. I'm serious man, get your shit together and conquer this issue once and for all. You won't regret it.

 

[Farmboy]

BTDT (been there, done that)

It sure does suck don't it?

Its because you are rejecting yourself before she gets a chance to do it, saving your tender ego from being bruised. The above tips are gold: don't give yourself time to reject yourself by obeying the 3 second rule, psyche yourself up before going into potential pickup situations, and approach enough to become comfortable with it. Remember when you were learning to ride a bike and you were scared of falling off and hurting yourself? Approach anxiety works the same way: once you get it you don't get scared anymore, and find out that being scared and unsure is a sure-fire way to increase your chances of screwing up.

In addition to these, you might also want to train yourself with a trigger phrase/action. The next time you are feeling great, like you are king f*ckin **** of the world, repeat a phrase like "I'm THE man" or something while tapping your thumb and forefinger together (or some other non-obvious action). Works kinda like pavlov and his salivating dogs. If you can get a confident emotional state associated with the phrase/action you can reacall that state when you recall the phrase/action. Its handy because sometimes you will see a girl when you feel like crap or some d-bag just spilled his coffee on your pants and you need the boost.

And remember, you miss all of the shots you don't take.

 

[ArMo]

This is so painful it hurts. I'm in the dining hall finishing with dinner. There's this beautiful girl with curly hair...on a scale of 1 to 10 she's like 11. So I walk past her twice and check her out both times as I'm on my way to do other stuff.

So I'm done with dessert, I get up, and she turns around from the ice cream machine and looks out in my direction nonchalantly. As I put my coat on she puts a hand on her hip and keeps looking in my direction. I turned my head...I almost made eye contact but then wussed out. She was still standing there. In fact she was standing in such a way that I would've had to push past her to get out the door.

So I physically just stand there, paralyzed with fear. Then finally I make a decision....the wrong decision. I walk the other way and take a roundabout way to another exit.

I feel like such a loser right now. What a step backwards.

Please, I need some help so that this never happens again...I've read the DJ Bible and I know I need to do a Boot Camp at some point, but what do you guys do to psych yourselves up before you just approach a girl.

I came up with all these reasons why I couldn't...I didn't know if my hair was brushed, I wasn't in the right mood, fear that I would say something stupid...all this bad stuff.

I feel like such a chicken because there wasn't any question whether she was interested- she was and I knew it. For some reason that made me WAY more nervous than if I didn't know, especially considering her looks.

Damn.

looks like you need to work on your inner game. and DON'T pedestal the girl. so what she looks good. she's probly shallow(specially in america) like most good looking girls.
next time you see a girl you want to talk to then do this: make eye contact, grab your balls, man up and APPROACH. and DON'T give a fuk what anybody thinks about you at that moment.

 

[daygameguy]

The thing is, you'll get questions like "I can approach girls, but this one seems a bit different!! I duno if I should open her" OR "She is just too much on the hottness scale, I'll definitely get shot down" OR "I don't think she wants to be disturbed", and the answer is:

You'll never know what you can get unless you open. Stop playing out situations in your head. Your life will remain exactly the same if she doesn't respond nicely.

 

[Darth]

Thanks for the advice guys.

Fuck man I know it's tough to get past but just get it over with and do it. Do it. You can never have approach anxiety ever again. All you have to do is approach 20 women every day for a month. It doesn't matter what you say as long as you attempt to close at some point (ask for a number, a date, etc.) Success makes no difference, as long as you make 20 approaches every day. Just go to the mall or somewhere where there are a lot of people and don't let yourself leave until you've met your quota. Sound tough?

I can do that.

After browsing some other posts and reading this:

I have just started doing approaches a few weeks ago. I had been mulling it around in my mind but after reading some posts here about others doing approaches I decided that there has to be something to it.

Well here is what I have found in just two weeks of approaching. This may sound ridiculously stupid to some old timers and DJ's here but here it goes. Approaching changes you, It somehow changes your brain chemistry or your body language or something.

It sounds like a must.

But it's winter and it's cold outside now. So what I'm going to do is change it for this quarter. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to approach 10 women per day without necessarily trying to get a date (I've got a ton going on the next couple months).

Then, in March, I'll shift into 20 women per day, and none of them count unless I ask for either their number or date.

It's the only thing to do. Not just to get a bunch of numbers, but just to remove this paralyzing mental block I have. I still feel so lousy from what happened today. Why couldn't I have just said something to her?

n addition to these, you might also want to train yourself with a trigger phrase/action. The next time you are feeling great, like you are king f*ckin **** of the world, repeat a phrase like "I'm THE man" or something while tapping your thumb and forefinger together (or some other non-obvious action). Works kinda like pavlov and his salivating dogs. If you can get a confident emotional state associated with the phrase/action you can reacall that state when you recall the phrase/action. Its handy because sometimes you will see a girl when you feel like crap or some d-bag just spilled his coffee on your pants and you need the boost.

Wow. I'll have to try that. Could it really work? Can it really bring that state back even when you feel like sh!t?

Because that's the thing. When I'm actually prepared, these opportunities don't happen. It's when I'm tired or I'm worn out, or I've got my glasses on, or when I'm eating supper, that these beautiful girls appear. I'm never prepared- it's always like a huge shock when I get IOI's in daily life. I have to be able to act even when I don't feel like it. ^^This could help.

 

[Darth]

Here's something else I didn't mention. I have an eye condition that basically prevents me from wearing contacts more than 2 or 3 times a week, for only a few hours at a time. Otherwise I get an infection.

I'll just admit it, I'm insecure about my looks with glasses. I KNOW I don't get the same reactions with glasses. I'm getting new frames in a couple months, so that should help, but for now I'm walking around a lot of the time with no glasses or contacts.

Which makes it hard to do spur of the moment approaches, if I can't see her face clearly enough from a distance.

Not sure if anyone else has had this problem.

 

[Darth]

Last thing I'd like to say is that this experience you mentioned was very very very good for you! You may not feel that way right now and you're very angry but anger is passion and passion leads to action. The more angry you get at yourself in this situation the closer you get to achieving your dreams.

Oh, I am MAD at myself. No doubt about it. And you know, I was pretty happy with where I was before this, but now I'm seeing my true colors. Thanks to you guys I see there's no "quick fix." I have to do what is going to be an uncomfortable drill.



There's a piece of paper in my pocket right now that says "Approach 10 women" that will stay there for the next 2 months. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

EDIT: Trying to come up with some BS approach questions right now...all I have so far is asking for the time.

 

[dbot]

If you wear glasses, don't wear the wire-frames that are meant to be subtle or unnoticeable. Get dark, plastic frames that stand out and add a new dimension to your look. You will feel 100% more comfortable wearing them.

http://www.dreadfullyposh.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/glasses.jpg

 

[Furyguy]

Everyone else has great advice so I won't get too lengthy, but I'll give you my own spin on it.

Everything got better for me when I stopped giving a **** what anyone thought or said about me. When you learn that 99.9% of what you do in life DOES NOT MATTER at all, you'll find it a lot easier to just do whatever the **** you want to, whenever you want to.

Granted it's a slow process. It'll take some time. Challenge yourself everyday though. Every person you meet is a chance to challenge yourself and improve. Just do something that scares you and the next time it'll be that much easier.

If you can't make yourself stop caring then just lie. Lie to yourself, lie to everyone else, lie and say it's just no big deal. And then you'll find yourself adopting that mentality pretty quickly. We as humans are really, REALLY good at lying to ourselves.



P.S. Want the best opening line there is, for guys who aren't very witty, to use in any situation? Pay attention, it goes like this...
"Hey, my name is Darth." *Handshake*
Then ask her if she's in your major. If she is, say you knew there was a reason she looked so familiar. If she isn't, ask her why she looks so familiar.
But remember to do it like a normal person and not a creepy lonely dude.

 

[ElStud]

I use to be like you man, WAAAAAAY back in the day, so I kind of know how you feel. And even in recent times, I've had approach anxiety, but regardless I still approach. At the moment though, I can confidently approach most of the sets I want to talk to. My thing is, is that I just go in there man. I don't fear that she'll reject me, I don't care if what I'm saying will work or not and I overall approach her for my own reasons.

I was like you once myself. Like I remember one day in HS where I REALLY wanted to approach this one girl, but for irrelavent reasons(She was outside, what if her ride came, blah blah blah), I was scared to approach her. But you know what, in the end I just got up my courage, went outside and approached her.

So I'm gonna give you some advice man, that I hope you take. At your stage, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you're too nervous to approach a girl, you should approach her regardless. Literally man just push yourself and do it. "But what if she rejects me?" so what dude, there'll be other girls. So next time you find yourself in that situation literally just go up there and say "Hey, how's it going?". It doesn't matter if the convo goes anywhere and it doesn't matter if she rejects you. The important thing is that you had the balls to approach the target.

 

[scribblec]

taking advice from elstud is like asking micheal jordan to teach you how to play soccer...

 

[ElStud]

taking advice from elstud is like asking micheal jordan to teach you how to play soccer...

Haha exactly, let's take your logic. Taking advice from some one who ACTUALLY CONSISTANTLY approaches(As well as has many FR's and has gotten many numbers) is bad. But oh wait, it would be good if he took advice from someone who doesn't approach at all like you.

I think I've said enough.

 

[Igetit!]

taking advice from elstud is like asking micheal jordan to teach you how to play soccer...

No,you're wrong on this one dude. You're waaaaay wrong. ElStud does approach. And that's what this thread is about. Darth asked why he's such a wimp about approaching,something ElStud has no problem doing,I'll give him that.
It's not the approaching that people flame ElStud about,it's the content of his approaches,the topics of conversation he brings up. The pikachu noises and other things he talks about.

You're off on this one Scribblec. Just be patient man. Sooner or later ElStud will make another thread,then you'll get your chance to flame him.

 

[Sir_Turtle]

Can't lose what you don't have.

remind yourself of this, your only confirming her non interest if you get rejected.

and seriously NIKE has it right. JUST DO IT.

more you do it the less fear you'll feel the more natural / reflex like it will become.

 

[slickaz]

k my turn.
heres my thoughts dude
everyone above has given you excellent advice.

i used to be scared to. but i realised some things.
1. women generally like to be interacted with, just like any other human.
2. unless you come across implying that you're hittin on her, women will generally be happy to talk comfortably.
3. you can talk about anything, as long as its funny and interesting, and you'll have her thinkin about you for atleast the next 10 mins
4. do not fear talking to another human, nothing wrong in saying hi hows your day.
5. Dont fear expressing your thoughts clearly and confidently..
6. Dont expect every chic to like you, but every chic should have no reason to decline even saying a courteous Hi, its human.

examples:
i do this.
everyday i get in the lift at work and since i work on the topmost floor alot of people get on and off as i go up/down.
usually if its a 7+ id say something like "hi, hows ur day?" calm collected, most times id have my crackberry in my hand look up say hi n look back smooth like ur attn is on it..just to show that im not oggling at her t!ts
ive never had a girl say "EWWW dont hit on me!"
usual answer is "good thanks../ good thanks, how about you?"
me: well its monday! /TGIF/humpday, i think its gonna get better.."smile.
she: "yeh i cant wait for the weekend/oh thats good etc"
if she says i cant wait for the weekend,
theres your chance..
"why? big plans this weekend?..hahhaa"
you'll usually get an answer back..and then work into it from there..

OR
me: "so you work in the building?"
she: yes/no

work it.


Good luck

 

[Igetit!]

k my turn.
heres my thoughts dude
everyone above has given you excellent advice.

i used to be scared to. but i realised some things.
1. women generally like to be interacted with, just like any other human.
2. unless you come across implying that you're hittin on her, women will generally be happy to talk comfortably.
3. you can talk about anything, as long as its funny and interesting, and you'll have her thinkin about you for atleast the next 10 mins
4. do not fear talking to another human, nothing wrong in saying hi hows your day.
5. Dont fear expressing your thoughts clearly and confidently..
6. Dont expect every chic to like you, but every chic should have no reason to decline even saying a courteous Hi, its human.

Wow,not bad Slickaz. Pretty good info here. Number 1,2, and especially number 6 really got my attention. And just when I was about to get all big-headed and thought I knew everything,you drop this on us.

 

[Drewskie]

Fuck man I know it's tough to get past but just get it over with and do it. Do it. You can never have approach anxiety ever again. All you have to do is approach 20 women every day for a month. It doesn't matter what you say as long as you attempt to close at some point (ask for a number, a date, etc.) Success makes no difference, as long as you make 20 approaches every day. Just go to the mall or somewhere where there are a lot of people and don't let yourself leave until you've met your quota. Sound tough? The first 3 or 4 will be difficult, but then it becomes very easy, and if you can make it through the whole month without cheating, you will never hesitate again when approaching gorgeous women.

Write your assignment down on a note card EVERY SINGLE DAY and keep it with you when you go out, so you can keep a running tally. I'm serious man, get your shit together and conquer this issue once and for all. You won't regret it.

What about approaching and not "closing", is it sort of pointless?? I see it as being a good way to get over AA, but maybe it's just me.