Why am I so insecure?

[dgallant]

So heres my issue I would like advice on:

I started dating this girl about 4-5 months ago, and at the time knew she was friends with her ex. They would still hang out sometimes. Now that we have been together for 4-5 months they still hang out the same and I now have a problem with it. I feel the close we get the more she should alter her relationship with him and the amount of time spent seeing or talking to him. They probably talk almost everyday either through phone, text, or email and see each other once every week or two.
She reassures me that she does not want to be with him and she cares about me. My problem is that I am getting so insecure about it that it is going to ruin our relationship with it. I now get sick to think that any night that we dont hang out that she will go and hang out with him. I want to know what to do to gain the confidence to not let this phase me. I really care about her and want this to work. Telling me she is not worth it or to move on is not what I am looking for right now. We are close and are together all the time. She tells me that he is just a good friend now and thats all. I want to believe her but first I want to get over my insecurities. Does anybody have any good, genuine advice? Please.

 

[blackbelt2k]

I don't think we can help you...you already let onetis get to you

 

[typical]

Ok first of all your here which is a great step man. Read some of the posts and dj bible things about oneitis, then go read some things about insecurity on the tips part of the forum.

After that read the parts of the dj bible that apply to you. And oh yea break off contact with that girl its just going to make you feel sh!t, especially when you hear how some guy nailed her good that weekend etc.

 

[esu2]

You staying inside geting all worried up bout whats goin on with them is not going to help you much now is it ?
One thing you could do would be confronting her bout it ,and if she even looks weird at you just walk away. And DONT look back. Afterall youre nr1 at this point, right ?
And another (fun but cowardly way) to get rid of your "dark clouds" would be finding out if theres any solid grounds for them. Just tell her youre not feeling ok one evening , and cant see her, then just pop up when their toghether or whatever ... your next action is dependant on what you find at this point - although i would recomend calmness. Alot of it actually
By the way if your so called quest doesnt turn out anything after a few atempts just give it up , remember youre trying to asure yourself not finding the needle in the haystack.

Now, let the flame begin

 

[In2theGame]

I don't think we can help you...you already let onetis get to you

Exactly. i dont know why guys get worked up because of one girl. There are SOOOO MANY girls out there.

 

[Hitman10000]

We address the symptoms of oneitis however how can you prevent it?

The answer to that is: Having a life

1. Hanging out with a male buddy/buddies.
2. Self Improvement
3. Home Improvement

I'm willing to bet if the hottest girl you've ever seen went up to you and catered to your every needs and wanted to hang out you every single day, her attractiveness to you drops down really fast. I mean, would you want this person as your wife who doesn't have much of a life or opinion?

 

[ConantheLibertarian]

She's with you, right? Then assume (yeah I know, assume and you make an ass of u [sic] and me) she likes you and is only friends with her ex. Not until she displays a change in character, or you find out something, should you assume the worst. Assume the best, prepare for the worst. I know this is a deeper problem than the above post can fix, but your thoughts and general mindset are huge. You are what you think, not just what you eat.

 

[Fender]

Hey man, I know how you're feeling- I've been there myself.

Basically, you don't REALLY want to change anything on the outside- you just want to change youself and your insecurities. Right?

Well, I guess the first thing that helped me was the realization that if my girl cheats, then why on earth would I want to be with her anyways? I don't know about you, but "not being a hor" is a very important trait I look for in my girlfriends.

Secondly, you gotta realize that even if she cheats, "you can handle it." You honestly have to believe this- you can still have a good fulfilled life even if she cheats. I used to have a tendancy to think "If she cheated on me, my life would be over. I wouldn't be able to handle it- woe is me." I guess part of it is to believe you'll be able to get another girl if she left, or perhaps more importantly, you don't need a girl at all to be happy.

And finally, visualization. I dunno about you, but I find that I always run "doomsday" scenario's in my mind whenever I think about her cheating. I keep on running mental images and video's of her chatting up with others guys, flirting, etc. It's very important to realize when you're doing this and stop yourself. Whenever you visualize something that makes you insecure, replace it with something that makes you more secure. Picture your girlfriend hugging you, looking lovingly into your eyes, whatever. But to be honest, it would probably be best if you didn't visualize you gf at all- only do so when you're deep in the pit of despair, and you need some heavy artillery to blast away the immense pain. Otherwise, I just normally visualize myself being confident, happy, playful, etc.

Anyways, best of luck! Hope everything works out for you :woo: