electro shock
Don Juan
Whenever I see a girl on the street, whether she's in her 20s or in her 80s, whether she's healthy or weights 400 pounds, wether she's a HB10 or looks like a pig... I always have to look the other way.
I have a tremendous fear that if I don't turn my eyes away from a girl, she might thing that I'm interested in her even though I'm not.
I know it's stupid, but I can't freaking help it! Whenever a girl comes near me, even if she's really, really, really ugly, my eyes automatically start to look away from fear of making eye-contact, which would make her think that I'm interested in her.
Unless a girl talks to me first, or unless she's someone I know, I just can't freaking look at her! If I see a girl I know, like if she's in my class or something, I can talk to her no problem. But if there's a girl I've never met anywhere I can't help but try to avoid her. If she's waiting in line at the cash in a supermarket, I have to go to another cash to avoid the possibility that she might think that I was interested in her by approaching her.
It's not a question of how hot the girl is... it doesn't matter, the same thing is true with old ladies. Whenever there's an old lady or a fat woman or whatever who comes near me, I just have to look away. My reactions is the same if it's a hot 20 year old girl. It doesn't matter who it is as long as it's a she.
Wtf is wrong with me? I mean, there are girls that I'm really not interested in at all and even those girls I just have to avoid them! It's like if I can't control my muscles when I see them and I just have to look away or stay as far as possible from them, unless I have seen them before or know them in which case I have no trouble looking at them and talking to them.
Oh and btw my psychiatrist told me that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I don't know if it's relevant.
Another thing is that I'm not capable of accepting when people know that there was something I wanted which I was not able to get. For some reason, it shows a weakness and it makes me feel like I'm dying. Obviously, being rejected by a girl is probably the ultimate killer in this situation, but many other situations can be just as bad if not worse.
Recently I wanted to go eat in a restaurant but as I tried to open the door, I realized that it was closed because it was too early and the restaurant didn't open before 11 AM. The problem is that there were people around. In my head, I couldn't help but see the situation as people realizing that I wanted to eat at that restaurant, thus had a need to be filled with (the need was hunger or the will to eat at the restaurant).
In my mind, a need is a weakness so whenever someone wants something it is a weakness because he is not satisfied with what he has. So just the fact of walking in the restaurant for me is terrible because people realize that I have that weakness, ie the desire to eat at that particular restaurant. But when people see that I find the door locked, it shows them two things:
1) I probably don't live in that area of town because otherwise I would have known that the restaurant is closed.
2) By failing to obtain what I wanted, I am dissapointed because I have a need and wasn't able to fill it to achieve satisfaction.
Both 1 and 2 shows a weakness. 1 shows a lack of experience, which is particularly painful for me in other situations such as taking the train and waiting for the doors to open on the wrong side of the train (ie, the doors open on the right side when we get to the station but I'm waiting near the doors on the left side of the train because I haven't been to that station before and thus I didn't know that the doors would open that way, which shows that I'm a "newbie" and "inexperienced." This leads me to avoid taking the train altogether from fear of showing that I don't know which side the doors would open.)
Number 2 would lead people to conclude that I am sad. Personally, I don't care about not being able to eat in the restaurant. Okay, I would have prefered to go, but in the end it doesn't matter because by not going I save some money so it doesn't really bothers me that much. However, there is the possibility that people who see the scene conclude that I truly wanted to eat in that restaurant, which is why I tried to open the front door, and thus by failing to fulfill my wish I was sad. Even if I am not sad, the possibility that people might think that I am feeling sad or dissapointed is extremely painful for me and when it happens I have to walk away as fast as possible looking away from people and pretend that they are not there while I manage to escape to some "safe" place - a place where everyone who is around me has not seen me trying to walk in the restaurant and thus does not think that I am sad and have failed to fulfill my goals.
When it comes to girls, it's the same thing. If a girl thinks that I want her, it makes her think that I have a weakness in the form of a hole to fill - that hole to fill being loneliness or simply not being satisfied with my current situation. If a girl thinks I want her, at the same time she thinks that I am not "full," in the sense that being "full" is a state in which a person reaches a state in which he has been able to accept the emptiness and ephemeral state of existence which disconnects him from the empirically observable world - such a state would eliminate sadness because inner well-being would no longer depend on external factors.
Yet, by thinking that I want her, a girl will have no choice but to conclude that I cannot find satisfaction with myself or with my interpretation of the world surrounding me and that I need her to help me strengthen my weakness. I do not have that problem with men because there is normally a presumption that people are straight and not attracted to the opposite sex, which of course can be refuted, but in principle when I talk to another man or make eye contact it is natural for him to assume that I do not need him for emotional contact and affection, which would show the most painful kind of weakness. Yet, the presumption works the other way, a man is presumed to be interested in girls and thus if I make eye contact with a girl and approach her, it is presumed that I either desire her or wouldn't mind having her company, which displays a need for affection. This is the reason why, in any situation I am in, unless I have a justifiable reason to talk to or approach a girl (if the girl talks to me, I answer because I am polite and if I see a girl I know I approach her for the simple reason that I see someone I know and thus am justified in starting a conversation).
Yes, I am aware that I am not normal and that's why I am asking for whatever help I can get from people who can understand my problem. My way of thinking is rooted deep in my mind and I have spent years trying to eliminate it yet I have never been able to. Psychiatrists were unable to make a final diagnosis on me yet but they have concluded to obsessive-compulsive disorder and believe that there is a chance I have anxiety problems as well. In any case, I have started reading stuff in the DJ Bible to get myself through it, but the more I read I'm afraid the more I seem to have the impression that my efforts to improve are vain.
So... what do you guys suggest I do at this point?
I have a tremendous fear that if I don't turn my eyes away from a girl, she might thing that I'm interested in her even though I'm not.
I know it's stupid, but I can't freaking help it! Whenever a girl comes near me, even if she's really, really, really ugly, my eyes automatically start to look away from fear of making eye-contact, which would make her think that I'm interested in her.
Unless a girl talks to me first, or unless she's someone I know, I just can't freaking look at her! If I see a girl I know, like if she's in my class or something, I can talk to her no problem. But if there's a girl I've never met anywhere I can't help but try to avoid her. If she's waiting in line at the cash in a supermarket, I have to go to another cash to avoid the possibility that she might think that I was interested in her by approaching her.
It's not a question of how hot the girl is... it doesn't matter, the same thing is true with old ladies. Whenever there's an old lady or a fat woman or whatever who comes near me, I just have to look away. My reactions is the same if it's a hot 20 year old girl. It doesn't matter who it is as long as it's a she.
Wtf is wrong with me? I mean, there are girls that I'm really not interested in at all and even those girls I just have to avoid them! It's like if I can't control my muscles when I see them and I just have to look away or stay as far as possible from them, unless I have seen them before or know them in which case I have no trouble looking at them and talking to them.
Oh and btw my psychiatrist told me that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I don't know if it's relevant.
Another thing is that I'm not capable of accepting when people know that there was something I wanted which I was not able to get. For some reason, it shows a weakness and it makes me feel like I'm dying. Obviously, being rejected by a girl is probably the ultimate killer in this situation, but many other situations can be just as bad if not worse.
Recently I wanted to go eat in a restaurant but as I tried to open the door, I realized that it was closed because it was too early and the restaurant didn't open before 11 AM. The problem is that there were people around. In my head, I couldn't help but see the situation as people realizing that I wanted to eat at that restaurant, thus had a need to be filled with (the need was hunger or the will to eat at the restaurant).
In my mind, a need is a weakness so whenever someone wants something it is a weakness because he is not satisfied with what he has. So just the fact of walking in the restaurant for me is terrible because people realize that I have that weakness, ie the desire to eat at that particular restaurant. But when people see that I find the door locked, it shows them two things:
1) I probably don't live in that area of town because otherwise I would have known that the restaurant is closed.
2) By failing to obtain what I wanted, I am dissapointed because I have a need and wasn't able to fill it to achieve satisfaction.
Both 1 and 2 shows a weakness. 1 shows a lack of experience, which is particularly painful for me in other situations such as taking the train and waiting for the doors to open on the wrong side of the train (ie, the doors open on the right side when we get to the station but I'm waiting near the doors on the left side of the train because I haven't been to that station before and thus I didn't know that the doors would open that way, which shows that I'm a "newbie" and "inexperienced." This leads me to avoid taking the train altogether from fear of showing that I don't know which side the doors would open.)
Number 2 would lead people to conclude that I am sad. Personally, I don't care about not being able to eat in the restaurant. Okay, I would have prefered to go, but in the end it doesn't matter because by not going I save some money so it doesn't really bothers me that much. However, there is the possibility that people who see the scene conclude that I truly wanted to eat in that restaurant, which is why I tried to open the front door, and thus by failing to fulfill my wish I was sad. Even if I am not sad, the possibility that people might think that I am feeling sad or dissapointed is extremely painful for me and when it happens I have to walk away as fast as possible looking away from people and pretend that they are not there while I manage to escape to some "safe" place - a place where everyone who is around me has not seen me trying to walk in the restaurant and thus does not think that I am sad and have failed to fulfill my goals.
When it comes to girls, it's the same thing. If a girl thinks that I want her, it makes her think that I have a weakness in the form of a hole to fill - that hole to fill being loneliness or simply not being satisfied with my current situation. If a girl thinks I want her, at the same time she thinks that I am not "full," in the sense that being "full" is a state in which a person reaches a state in which he has been able to accept the emptiness and ephemeral state of existence which disconnects him from the empirically observable world - such a state would eliminate sadness because inner well-being would no longer depend on external factors.
Yet, by thinking that I want her, a girl will have no choice but to conclude that I cannot find satisfaction with myself or with my interpretation of the world surrounding me and that I need her to help me strengthen my weakness. I do not have that problem with men because there is normally a presumption that people are straight and not attracted to the opposite sex, which of course can be refuted, but in principle when I talk to another man or make eye contact it is natural for him to assume that I do not need him for emotional contact and affection, which would show the most painful kind of weakness. Yet, the presumption works the other way, a man is presumed to be interested in girls and thus if I make eye contact with a girl and approach her, it is presumed that I either desire her or wouldn't mind having her company, which displays a need for affection. This is the reason why, in any situation I am in, unless I have a justifiable reason to talk to or approach a girl (if the girl talks to me, I answer because I am polite and if I see a girl I know I approach her for the simple reason that I see someone I know and thus am justified in starting a conversation).
Yes, I am aware that I am not normal and that's why I am asking for whatever help I can get from people who can understand my problem. My way of thinking is rooted deep in my mind and I have spent years trying to eliminate it yet I have never been able to. Psychiatrists were unable to make a final diagnosis on me yet but they have concluded to obsessive-compulsive disorder and believe that there is a chance I have anxiety problems as well. In any case, I have started reading stuff in the DJ Bible to get myself through it, but the more I read I'm afraid the more I seem to have the impression that my efforts to improve are vain.
So... what do you guys suggest I do at this point?
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