Why am I a loner?

[SimplyTheBest]

What the f*ck is wrong with me!?????????

I feel that I am socially impaired, and I am unable to have friends. Am I suffering from avoidant personality disorder or what!?

I feel that I am socially under-developed and do not know what to do to improve. I have zero friends with me and I am in college now. I think my main problem is also associated with shyness. It sounds kinda awkward and funny to start a conversation with strangers . Sigh........

ARRGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going mad.....I cant tolerate the feelings of loneliness. Everyone seems to be busy all the time with so many social activities while I have nothing going on in life. I don't have a life. HELP!!!!!!

If I continue to be isolated in this way, I think I won't last long and will go mad........I am thinking of going for therapy to curb my problems.....I was wondering how much it is and I do not wish to let my folks know about this. Anybody here a psych major who can offer a little bit of help to my problems?

 

[Oscar Wilde]

You can beat it. I'm a very social guy, going out 3 - 6 nights a week, parties, lots of friends (they're great, specially when you're feeling down).

Yet when I was in highschool I used to read books in bed all day and never go out. I was antisocial, didn't do sports, was bullied, etc etc.

You'll make it through. Find some hobbies - the ones involving other people (team/group sports, etc). Become interesting

GL,
Osc.

 

[Santos]

I know, it really sucks. Your problem is that you are socially under developed because you are shy (or you spent your childhood playing doom/quake like I did). I've was EXTREMELY shy throughout school, then I decided to change that when I got to college. It's a hell of a lot of effort, and improvement takes time (I've been trying to improve myself for three years on and off. Here's a history of my efforts, to outgoing DJ's this is pathetic :

Highschool:
- 1 good friend (also AFC/shy)
- 2 casual friends
- 3 or 4 "friends" that used to pick on me
- 1 girlfriend that lasted a week
- Couldn't talk to girls without feeling akward and blushing.
- Never asked questions in class.
- Never kissed/felt up a girl.
- Never got out my house.
- Worked a little on my contact, and saying "hi" - never got further than that

Year 1 at university:
- Made friends with about 6 or 7 ppl that I hung out with regularly.
- Met more girls than I can count, didn't date them but got more comfortable with women.
- Started asking questions in tutorial groups.
- Got comfortable starting conversations, although they weren't interesting.
- Met a girl that I actually tried to get with but nothing ever happend. But I used C & F for the first time, and did well, for a shy dude.
- Started going to nightclubs.

Year 2 at universtiy:
- Failed some courses and regressed back to my "shy" self.
- Lost contact with friends
- No women.
- Coincedentally, stopped coming to sosuave.com
- Going to night clubs.

Year 3 at univeristy (now):
- Had a fling with some girl for about two weeks in January, first kiss (gotta start somewhere, right?)
- HB8 with high interest level starts coming on to me in March, unfortunately I turned AFC cos' I hadn't been to sosuave.com in over a year.
- Been on dates with two women (first dates in my life)
- Currently I am having a "fling" with an HB7, making out more than I ever had, felt her up, etc. Sex possibly around the corner.
- I am EXCELLENT with C & F, and good at keeping convo interesting.
- I can easily ask strangers for help.
- Sit me next to anyone in a lecure venue and I can make friends.

My advice to you:
I haven't tried counselling. But if you can afford it, i'd try it. Start small. I know it's difficult and you might even use the excuse "I don't feel like trying today". But you're lying to yourself. Deep down you know you want to be more sociable. Do a search for "Mr. Fingers" he has a post that will help you out. You have to start small, don't expect miracles. As with everything in life it takes hard work, and MOTIVATION. A willingness to change.

Start with eye-contact, and greeting people when you walk past them. Have a simple conversation with someone. Heck, just try asking people the time. Find out what you're willing to try and do that. Each time do some more. Talk to people of both sexes and all races. Work on improving your situation. In my second year I reverted back to being shy, it's a constant battle but you will come out on top.

EDIT: Here's that post by Mr. Fingers http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=29968

Oh, and all that "anti-socail" crap you read about is pyschobabble. It doesn't mean you need medication or nothing you just need to change the way you think.

Good luck!
Santos

 

[Reto]

I've been there and agree with Santo's advise.

Change isn't gonna happen over night. Start slow. Make eye contact. Say hello to everyone.

One thing that has helped me to make friends is become a regular. Don't study in your room or at home. Go to the library. Go to the coffee shop. The book store. You'd be suprised how many other regulars there are there. Make eye contact, say hello. Eventually, they'll become friends... go for drinks after studying, etc...

You will never have a social life if you stay home... Get out there and take one step at a time...

 

[IrReSiStIbLe]

yeh, dw mate... you dont need a psychologist... weve all been in the same boat... here are a few tips taht worked for me:

- Join a sporting club... get to know ppl who are sociable and befriend them... youd be surprised how friendly they are...

- go to gym.

- quit using the computer for a while...

- As Reto said previously...: study outside your room..(at a caffe, library, etc...).

- Dress nicely- VERY IMPORTANT..! be a metro... bleech the tips of ur hair get a nice haircut (short preffered), get cool sunnies, nice cool cloths... if not metro, dress sporty... like a jock... itll be easier to fit in.. it does indeed cost money, but it helps for the long term... trust me..

- ask for some1 in ur class if u can study with them, that u are f*cked for the upcoming exam and that u need help... be sauve ... gender doesnt matter... u wanna meet new friends...

Thats it for now... i'll tell u if i come up with more...
Pitty u dont live in melb.. we could have met up and i would have introduced u to dozens of chicks and ppl... oh well...

Good luck my DJ friend
Dont give up... As Michael Jordan says: "i can accept failure, everyone fails at something, but i cant accept not trying.."
Ciao Bello. Tell me what u think.
IrReSiStIbLe

 

[tracy Jaks]

Originally posted by Oscar Wilde
You can beat it. I'm a very social guy, going out 3 - 6 nights a week, parties, lots of friends (they're great, specially when you're feeling down).

no, no,no.Theres too much pressure to look good involved with parties.

Find something that you WANT to do, an interest,you had when u was a kid,that is still possible, something that doesnt rely on others, parties means socialising, you dont have to socialise if you dont want to.

Find a hobby that you can do on your own, you cn tlk about to others, and take part in regularly, this will get you out the house, having interactions with a few people regularly, without even knowing it. It will give you something to talk about, aim for and achieve things.This all helps to becoming a better person.

 

[elvis aint dead yet]

Join some clubs, join study groups, go to some parties, join a gym, etc etc etc. College is a great place to come out of your shyness. Many people are in the same boat as you. So just go out and do it.


THe sad fact is, if you wait and wait and suddenly, one day, it's graduation time, your in for a long haul.

Because once you join the real world, get a job, get your own place. it's harder to find people who are into the same things as you.

THe older you get , the harder it becomes, because many people get stuck in their ways, you and others.

And unless your lucky or in a job where you make very little money, most jobs people get, you're usually not working with hot chics or cool guys to hang with. So work isn't an option to find new friends. Depending on where you live, it's harder to break into certain clicks as you get older, just because, it's an uneven playing field. It's possible, but if your extremely shy, it'll feal like its impossible.

Just go out and do it now, before it's too late. Because most people in college are on the same playing field. Away from home for the first time, don't know as many people as before, a little awkward, etc. Just go do it.

 

[Mazman]

You better do something about it now!

College is the best place to make "friends". There are so many people around your age.
If you you're not comfortable doing this now it will get worse in the real world when you have to get a 9 to 5 job.

Do what the others suggest. Join some kind of club/activity where you will have interaction with other people.

All you need to do is get to know a few people and start networking.

 

[chlywly]

Everyone has the right idea, great advise, the key is truly to "MOVE" get off of your ass because The mountain did not come to Mohummed, Mohummed went to the mountain lol..

Make yourself, busy fill yourself up with hobbies that require group interaction, sports, leagues, anything really. Talk to people on lunch breaks, talk to people in class, sit with the people that seem to be the most social, it really just takes movement and action.

Once you get going and start throwing coal into the engine it will work on its own, so it's all good

It will pass if you truly want it too, dress well smell well, act well and make sure you keep yourself busy. Remember that the whole world's a stage, it's really nothing but as big-game, once you realise that and become the player you can truly do anything you put your mind to.

Good luck friend.

 

[WestCoaster]

College is a clean slate!

The great thing about college is all that petty high school social crap is thrown out the window.

No one in college knows if you were an AFC, bad student, dork, or whatever in high school. As far as they're concerned, you were a stud.

My high school years were full of pain and brooding. Yeah, I was an athlete, but I struggled getting dates. And when I dated it was awkward. I didn't know what to say.

I enrolled in a college 500 miles away from my hometown that had a ratio of 3 girls to 1 guy. I couldn't help but meet and hang out with women 24/7. They were everywhere. My first year I still had the AFCness and shyness toward dating, but just being around so many women who would stop by my dorm, eat dinner, hang out with, boosted my confidence big time. Most of them thought I was just a guy who did fairly well with the women.

By the end of my freshman year I was dating a HB8 who was a 24-year old senior! I'd gone from dork to semi-DJ in a year! (Though the DJ was inadvertant -- had no idea about the skills.)

It all starts with throwing away the stupid high school past and previous negative thoughts. College is the best place in the world to establish your identity and meet quality women.

Go for it, I know you have it in you! (Read DJ Bible and do what Walden did: work, work, work at it!)

 

[Ridingthelightning]

Join the clubs and activities those people are in, its really easy, just ask them what its all about, then say, "Hey, I think I'll try that out."

I'm in this boat at the moment, but I'll find a way out of it.

 

[BeerConnoisseur]

I was very shy in my High School years also, I still am in some respects but I'm alot more social these days.

To make friends you have to be more social, talk more to people you meet ask questions like how their weekend was etc (instead of just saying "hi"). Talk to other people in your class at lunchtimes (If they're interested in talking to you).

Join a sports club or some other hobby club, where you can meet other people with the same interests.

I know I wrote some things that the others said

 

[b's nuts]

Originally posted by tracy Jaks
no, no,no.Theres too much pressure to look good involved with parties.

Find something that you WANT to do, an interest,you had when u was a kid,that is still possible, something that doesnt rely on others, parties means socialising, you dont have to socialise if you dont want to.

Find a hobby that you can do on your own, you cn tlk about to others, and take part in regularly, this will get you out the house, having interactions with a few people regularly, without even knowing it. It will give you something to talk about, aim for and achieve things.This all helps to becoming a better person.

First of all, I would not entirely listen to this guy, part of becoming a DJ is adapting to a fvck you, i don't give a fvck what you think about me attitude. Parties are fun, the only pressure involved to look good, is put on you by yourself. Take up hobbies you can do in a group, or on your own, preferebly in a group. Skiing or snowboarding is good, can be done in a group or alone. "parties means socialising, you dont have to socialise if you dont want to." Yeah, you don't have to if you don't want to, but it would probably help if you are trying to become more social. What you really need is a confidence boost, and going to the gym regularly can help out a lot, stop caring what other people think, and you will become who you truly want to be.

 

[SimplyTheBest]

Fear of success syndrome

Ever heard of the term fear of success syndrome?

After being a complete total loser for so many years, success becomes a fear......... In other words, I am afraid of success.

In psychology, this is called as a person who has low self esteem who doesn't think he deserves what he is suppose to have. In other words, he doesn't feel proud of his own accomplishment and feel as if it has been stolen from somewhere else.

That person feels unworthy and thinks people will see the same in him. That's what I am feeling now. I feel that whenever I get a date or friends asking me out, I felt as if it's like an honour for me to accept it quickly cause if I don't , then I wont get another chance cause I don't actually deserve it.

And in college, I am going to complete my course soon......
And throughout my college life, I hardly have any friends. Only 1 or 2 only. You see how bad the situation is??? You know how poor my social skills are???

I hate myself for being such a f*cking loner without any friends. Every friday'ss and saturday'ss nights are spend at home doing nothing............ During lunch time in college, I was always seen eating alone. Thinking of having a gf is next to impossible because I feel like there's a need to improve on social skills before I start to even think of getting any girls.

SIGH!!!!! If life is going to be that worse, then I guess I better jumped off from the highest building in town cause life isn't going to change...... I feel depressed now. Am I insane or what?? Is there a kind of sickness inside me which prevents me from socializing?

 

[WestCoaster]

Hate to sound like a stuck record, but ...

... do the DJ Bible Boot Camp. It's pretty simplistic. You go from saying hi to people, to approaching people, to asking out people. I would also e-mail or post something to Walden and ask him about his steps in the program. He's doing a fabulous job and he's taking it one step at a time. Yes, you do go out and get your 30 rejections, but it serves a purpose. Find the DJ Bible and do the steps. At least read the articles on this site.

You've identified the problem -- that is huge! Do you know how many friends I have from ages 30-50 who are stuck in ruts and don't even know it or won't do anything about it? There's a lot of them. You, sir, have identified it. Now you need a game plan and it's on this site. It's the boot camp. I'm asking you to follow the steps, or at least try it.

It sounds like you do have it in you. I understand fear of success -- I've had a good deal of that in my life. This site has helped me turn things around. Instead of focusing on the fear of success, focus on changing that. Again, DJ boot camp.

Good luck!
________________________________________
P.S. Listen to my favorite group, The Spinners (70's-80's soul) who have several great DJ tunes. Not about trashing women, but about accepting life, reflecting on past loves with fondness, not bitterness and moving on. Listen to "Mighty Love" if you can find it. It's a pick me up. I know, it's old music, but it's great. It talks about a couple that says they'll never leave each other, they do, but "that's the way love goes" but a Mighty Love will eventually find you. Corny, a little; but positive. No whining or AFCness to it.

 

[thekiddddd]

I know how you feel I've been there and it's not a nice place to be. But honestly only you can change this, nothing anyone can say on here will do it for you. You have to tell yourself enough is enough and just get out there. It's easy to say "My life sucks" and "Why am I like this?" the answer. Life is what you make it and you aint making much of it, so get off your lazy arse and do something to change things.

 

[Reto]

Success never happens over night.

Start slow and keep going. Build on what you've done and before you know it you'll have a choice of things to do, people to hang with...

Do what YOU enjoy. Never measure your social succes on other people's ideas of socialization. If you don't like Clubbing, don't do it, etc...

 

[Mr. Fingers]

Hey STB,

I was once like you man. All I had was my cousin and my best friend, who was as big a loner as I was. It was like this all the way through college and I honestly didn't start opening up until I came to this site and learned the importance of social prowess in order to get the ladies (I know..DUH!)

So far I gotta say, you have gotten some great advice on this thread.

You can make up a million different names for what you have. Social Phobia, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Fear of Success, Chump-itis, but it all boils down to FEAR.

Fear is a funny thing. Your mind is capable of escalating your worries and doubts to the point that you are paralyzed. But one day you face your fears and LAUGH because it was not nearly as scary as you thought it was.

All it takes is the balls to confront your fear face to face.

I wrote a thread a while ago on how I overcame my social awkwardness. Check it out, hopefully it will cheer you up.

http://sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?threadid=29968

If you really want to take action, try doing the DJ Boot Camp. Look at how far Walden and jwhite have come! Personally, I must say it really helped me develop my social confidence. Ultimately you can only find so many answers on this forum. The real world awaits my friend.

Go get 'em!

Mr. Fingers

 

[Click Here]

join a frat. jesus. if i went to a university id ****ing dominate you lucky bastards.

i go to COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

I'd f-ing kill to join a frat and party like theres no tomm. make me proud and join one there the best descion of your life. 50 free friends that have your back and want to work with u, while throwing parties and introducing you to girls.

 

[Starman]

STB,

You dont sound like you have a psych disorder..those with psych disorders enjoy their lonliness..and are socially isolated.

You didnt mention the types of reactions/thoughts/emotions you have when you are thinking about approaching a new person?

If you feel intense anxiety..it may be social phobia.

There are many tests online to gauge social phobia (do a net search for social phobia online test)

otherwise,

if you want to see a counselor about this, your school usually offers free counseling sessions (check into that)

or do a netsearch for "sliding scale psychologists" in your area..most psych's will take you in for as little as $5 a session if you are broke.

but its good you have recognized the problem and want to break out of your shell..but all the advice in the world isnt going to do you any good..until YOU take some form of action.

good luck