EricInTheHouse said:
This is how I feel... I'm thankful that you wrote this.. I really am.. because a lot of people assumed I was always after attention or whatever when I would go on with my feelings ..
Most of you're post was difficult to read... I know how you feel... I really do and I share your pain... it sucks and a lot of people just don't get it...
I take walks at night too.. just last night I did, becaus eit was warm, and I just needed to get out of this place for a while.
Sometimes I think about moving to a place like Florida.. lots of people, and action, less depression and cold weather.
Another thing about the violent thoughts... I know what you mean... god damn it I do.... I think very violently at times.. The toughest thing for me is that I am capable of thinking stuff towards people I love.. I recently thought of what it would be like to just hit my dad... at the time I felt so aggrivated, because he just doesn't get why I have such a hard time in life.. I swear at him sometimes and it hurts my mom... In return I feel like even more **** because I don't really mean what I say, yet they truly believe I hate them sometimes.
They just don't get how unbelievably hard it is to put on a smile face at the same time I want to wreck my car with me in it... I lash out because of it, and I know she worries about me all the time.
I sit at home and tell myself that my life should never of been like this.. I should of been this man that is caring and helps his family, has a GF, and loves her.. That man is in me, and I should be more than I am now..
In my family's eyes, I am a alone, short tempered , and disrespectful..
It sucks to be that guy they see... I want it to end...
I knoiw how this feels man...thanks for sharing.
Don't feel bad because some people say that such posts are made to get attention in a cheap way, please. It's always the same jerks hunting the weak, berating them to boost their egos. There's nothing wrong with telling it like it is even if reality is dreadful. Don't feel ashamed for who you are, even if your best wasn't enough you tried real hard to better your situation, and you mostly had no control over what lead you to this state. They can all go **** themselves. Plus everyone has such episodes, they're just not brave enough to admit it. I might live an abominable life, but I don't have any shame in me, and I'm not fazed by any negative response that someone might give me.
What you say about your parents also hits home. I don't have agressive feelings towards them, but I'm persuaded that they see me in the same way as they see you, and perpetually worry, wondering what's wrong with their son. What's hard is that whenever I talk to them over the phone, I have to keep the content of our conversations completely asexual because if I reveal my problems I'm sure they'll use that as an argument against me in the future. I know that they're sometimes hinting at finding a girl, but I'm just too good in changing topics subtly. Also I'm not able to see them face to face anymore, especially my mum. She doesn't understand why I seem so cold and distant, and so agressive at times. The truth is that I can't stand parental affection anymore, and especially hugs or any kind of physical contact, it warps me. All I can bear is the thought of physical intimacy with a female and one day satisfying my lust. I envy you for having had a female going out just to be with you even for one hour.
The one attitude that keeps me going is that, perpetual anger leads to spitefulness, spitefulness leads to scorn of others, scorn of others to disdain of others, and disdain of others to love for yourself and confidence. Even if it doesn't land me a woman sometimes I get really proud of how I am able to act and feel in such ways and it touches me.
Sure, I guess I could've been more proactive in the past. I was fat as hell and it took years and years to lose all the extra weight, but since about five years ago I succeeded, and lost a good 95% of it. I guess that morbid obesity can explain my lack of success with the opposite gender for years, but now even with a normal physique my situation refused to change. Also, too much focus on intellectual things. Most people who I interacted with constantly told me that I was insanely bright, and so even if I desired a girlfriend since puberty, I focused on nothing but my mind for most of my existence.
Anyhow with this new attitude, surely I can sway my fate. But sometimes life feels like a horror movie that never ends. Hopefully one day thoughts like these become just a distant epoch, and the better days that await will compensate for these trying times.
