Where does rejection avoidance/approach anxiety come from?

[countermart]

From a deep seated fear that we are not lovable, desirable or attractive? From a desire not to have this “proved” to us? When did it start? Before you can remember? Being left alone in the kindergarten playground? With the first girl that said no? If the first girl had said yes would it be all different now?

This gives girls a lot of power and a lot of value. It is hard to approach a girl if you have given them a great deal of value.

This lack of confidence, receives rejection in a feedback loop. Rejected – proof of not being desirable – lack of confidence – rejection – etc, etc.

I was just shopping and ran into a really quite cute girl – a little short, no more petite, glasses, dressed a little dull, but really on balance very attractive, a kind of ugly duckling girl easily turned into a swan. But I suppose the thing that struck me most about her was her lack of confidence, you could see it in her expression, the way she moved….I felt sorry for her, I though don’t you know you are really very, very attractive…but then, the bottom line, I thought, what is wrong with you?

It was something like seeing things from a girl’s point of view when a man is not confident, and why they prize confidence so much.

Anyway, just thoughts on life’s journey?

Countermart

 

[trajhenkhet02]

Part of the fear stems from someone worrying about the reactions of the other person i.e. (maybe I'll she'll get scared if I just say hello). Keep in mind as long as your not doing anything illegal these thoughts are just irrational fear. I have found that if someone acts skittish just when you say hello, they act skittish in general.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

I read somewhere that anxiety is programmed when we are babies. At first we cry and scream whenever we want something (a raw expression of desire) and for a while everything is all good. But then when our parents have enough of it, they start to send signals of disapproval, either subtle ones or overt ones whenever we demand attention. This confuses our little brains so instead of having a pure raw thought of desire, learn to feel anxiety whenever we have a thought of expressing our desire.

It doesn't help that the first chick we loved was likely mommy, who was also like the same chick that rejected us with her disapproval every time we cried for attention in the middle of the night, or sh!t our pants.

So today, in our adult lives, when we have that "I want you" feeling when we see an attractive bird, it reminds us on a deep unconscious level of getting rejected when we were helpless and depended on mommy for everything, and she literally had life or death power over us.

Just like when Pavlov rang the bell and those dogs salivated, this "anchor," or conditioned response, can be difficult to break, because it was set when we were highly programmable, but it is breakable.

There are several things that can help, including hypnosis, NLP, EFT and other stuff, but eventually you will have to just grab your balls and approach enough women to get enough experience to prove to yourself that it isn't dangerous, it is often even fun. This requires that you change how you "label" what you previously called a "rejection," When you don't get the number, or the lay, you have to consciously focus on the positive aspects of the interaction (e.g. you had the balls to approach, you got a name, etc) instead of reinforcing whatever anxiety you may have felt.

Is this difficult? Hell yes. But when you keep your mind on the idea that beyond this "reconditioning" is a sea of willing pvssy of unimaginable sexual pleasure and bliss, making the journey across the temporary discomfort doesn't seem so bad after all.

 

[countermart]

DonS “One thing I noticed about all naturals is that they do not have this fear.”

Yep me too, I posted on this a short time ago, and it really comes down to not being outcome dependent, but also the degree of emotional investment that a person places in an approach or relationship being directly proportional to the degree of rejection pain they will feel if it does not work out. Naturals place very little emotional investment in the approach or girls.

As to my own approach challenges, I have tended to get around the issue by doing ballroom dancing with a lot of rotation of partners.

Anyway, the main point of my post was that the girl in the shop gave me some insight into how girls must see guys that lack confidence. My last thought about this girl was “what is wrong with you.” I even though “there is probably nothing wrong with you, but maybe not, I have enough challenges without having to save anyone else,” and finally there was a degree of “pre-rejected” in my thoughts about her, and “If you can’t handle me what else can’t you handle.”

Ok none of this thinking was fair to her at all, as you guys point out, I could just as easily have thought, “you lack confidence because, your mum never came to change your bottle when you were one” it is not rational, but I would guess that the above thoughts are the kind of thoughts that go through a girls brain when a man is not confident. Do you really want to tack your flag to a non-confident hunter?

So this is the type of impression we are likely giving out when we are not confident. It is unfair but it shows how critical it is.

Countermart

 

[squirrels]

Ego damage is a big part of it.

We place so much value on acceptance by others (especially others of the opposite gender) that we often protect our reputations more fiercely than our lives.

As Mark Twain once said, "Best to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt." Likewise, most men think it's better not to approach a woman and to have your "game" questioned than to approach her, risk rejection, and have it be known outright that you have no "game".

One of the hardest things about this whole "Don Juan movement" is that once you start to succeed with women, you feel like you have to keep steadily improving. The goal is to be able to bang ANY woman, ANY time...and the truth is that that's just NOT going to happen. No amount of NLP will get you in EVERY woman's pants. Some just aren't going to be attracted to you. Yet we take that personally. We treat womanizing like a game of tic-tac-toe, where if you know what you're doing, you should NEVER "lose".

 

[mrRuckus]

I don't like anyone having power over me. If a girl rejects me, it bugs me that she can think she has something to hold over my head.

I don't actually think there's any reason why every girl should want me and i'm not particularly hurt by rejection as if i'm not good enough or whatever (because women have all sorts of bullsh1t reasons for rejection when on a completely other night she could be climbing on you). I mostly get angry at the loss of power and control and have a bit of the feeling that i want to show her that i didn't really want her anyway. But oh well you suck it up and soon after you forget about it so it's no biggie.

 

[darkstarrr]

fear for sure.