Where does approval-seeking behaviour stem from and how can it be fixed?

[lizardking82]

And my next question is: where does the abandonment fear stem from originally and how can that be fixed, too? Cause it is two things I still personally have some issues with. Sometimes I seek approval without even understanding it from people that don't even matter + as long as I can remember, when my girlfriends left me, I had this terrible, empty, anxious feeling like I was being left alone in the world or sth and I don't think that is normal.

Can anyone relate and/or explain?

 

[AlphaNate]

It most likely stems from your relationship with your parents.

People tend to seek out what they didn't get from their parents or one of their parents.

You then fear whatever happened with those parents happening all over again.

It's a poisonous cycle and must be discarded.

 

[bigneil]

It most likely stems from your relationship with the hot women available at that particular moment.

People tend to seek out what they didn't get from the hot, naked 21-year old women who are hanging out in their apartment.

You then fear whatever happened to those 21-year old women when they were with other men.

It's a poisonous cycle and must be discarded.

 

[dustmuffin]

I think it is a learning process. When you catch yourself seeking approval, make a note of it and knock it off. Eventually you won't do it any longer. This is what worked for me. Your end goal is to have a IDGAF attitude.

 

[sazc]

From what I understand, we tend to choose relationships (platonic or otherwise) that mirror the relationships we had with our parents in an effort to 'fix'/'correct'/'heal' things from our childhood.

Hendrix’s New York Time’s best-selling books – Getting the Love you Want: A Guide for Couples (1988) and Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide (1993) -
Hendrix views marriage and other intimate relationships as a venue for working through and healing childhood wounds. Since no one grows up in a perfect family environment, each person comes into a relationship with at least some baggage from childhood. Unfortunately, these unresolved childhood issues are often at the core of the conflicts that arise between couples. For example, someone who grew up with a critical parent will likely be particularly sensitive to criticism from his or her partner.

Do you best to understand what you felt was missing from your childhood and how those items affect you today. What kind of relationship patterns do you have that you repeat?

You can google "relationship patterns repeating" and get a lot of info. And you can google how childhood abandonment affects romantic relationships.

Good luck with it all. As Hendrix said, we all have childhood baggage that we should work thru to have our best relationships. You are several steps ahead of the game wanting to do that.

 

[resilient]

lizard, read my "inner-child" thread. It's about what others have said in this thread.

Approval-seeking and abandonment issues are about addressing our attachment needs as a toddler that went unmet by our caregivers. Whether the wounds were caused by your parents or you were raised by someone else, they still happened. We first learn how to attach to others in relationships by evaluating our attachments to parents and siblings as a child and we take that knowledge to the outside world as we grow older. It's the "I see you, I hear you, I validate your feelings." That's why some guys come off needy, because they were neglected in someway in their childhood. Often, they repeat the same drama over and over in every relationship, it's just a different face. The drama stops when you meet your inner-child needs, gather strength with your DJ wisdom and learn to recognize and avoid the toxic types.

The best thing you can do (and what I'm working on as well) is address those inner-child needs that I've adapted from John Bradshaw's Homecoming series "Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child:

- Accept whatever fvcked up sh!t may have happened in your childhood
- Forgive those that hurt, neglected, and failed to nurture you
-- this doesn't discount what they did or state that you must forget
-- you accept past events, they're ancient history
-- you won't let those deep rooted past events control your destiny moving forward
- Forgive yourself for harboring any self-pity or loathing in rumination
- Turn to yourself for strength and validation (instead of seeking that from others)
- You are your own hero in your story
- Cultivate discipline, limits, regulate impulses
- Invest all your time and energy into you (you're the anchored soul that decides to walk or not)

Do all that and don't forget to lighten up. When you've accepted the past and feel secure in yourself and your purpose in life and where you're going; you'll lean on others less. Your approval of yourself is more important than anyone. You're doing well for learning these lessons early... Keep at it man.

 

[wifehunter]

My mother was a "my way or the highway" feminazi, so I was forced to have a supplicating pleaser frame, like my father, or suffer amandonment. Could be why.

She out of my life now, and I couldn't be happier.

Get the NPD crazies out of your life, and regroup and reframe. You'll be doing yourself a favor!!!

 

[ubercat]

There was an interesting study on heart attack survivors. The ones who got counseling didn't do as well as the ones who didn't. I think dustmuffin is on the money. Take a behaviour intervention approach. Every time you get this feeling repeat an affirmation 5 times and make sure that you imagine your new strategy working and the good feelings you will have when it works. Science on affirmations is that they only work when tied to emotions.

 

[Playa Fly]

Not sure about this one. I still catch myself doing this and my "childhood" was ok.

 

[fastlife]

Spend some time here: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/create-your-own-confidence-how-to-be-you.233590/

Self-validation solves those problems.

 

[Infern0]

Approval seeking behaviour is all down to your parents. I used to be terrible for it.

I had a mother with cluster B issues who couldnt take care of herself let alone me. So i hardly ever got praise or anything.

So when i went out into the world it was like "i just want someone to see i have value"

Cue, approval seeking beta behaviour.

The cure is to realize you generate your own value. People will generally go along with whst you feel about yoyrself.

If you belive you are worthless people will pretty much agree

If you belive you are awesome (without arrogance) people will probably agree

 

[The Duke]

Where does approval seeking behavior come from:

Approval seeking behavior was likely developed at a young age. As a child you are conditioned to seek your parents approval for most everything. For some, that trained behavior carries into adulthood.

When one doesn’t find approval, they likely won’t feel safe. Most people’s behavior revolves around a desire for physical and emotional security. When you feel good about yourself you feel at peace. When those feelings of security that develop from approval seeking don’t happen inner peace is not found.

And when you internalize rejection or someone putting you down, you begin to doubt your self worth. This diminishes your sense of security and inner peace.

We can try not to embody rejection as a reflection of who we are; it’s important to maintain self-love and compassion, regardless of what occurs outside of ourselves. In doing so, you stop relying on others to do this for you.

To get away from this behavior, start putting your own stamp of approval on your achievements. When you accomplish something stop and acknowledge it. Reward yourself for your achievements with reaching your goals.


Don’t be afraid to look inside yourself……..address the good and the bad. Its all about you. Know yourself. Expose your ego. Be Brave.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Approval seeking + fear of abandonment stem from two things:

1. Humans are social creatures.
2. The ability of the pack to approve of you increased the likelihood of survival.

This goes way back. If your tribe or group or family was displeased with you or disapproved of you for whatever reason, you were not as high up on the social ladder and your needs would come last which could lower your chances of survival. You want to stay with the group. Now after a while of constant approval, people will begin to value your beliefs more and eventually trust your word maybe over their own if you are always approved of. Pretty soon, you would be able to make your own rules or influence the pack/group to your will more. Now you don't really need approval from anyone because you are already sure of yourself that others will agree/approve. And if one person doesn't then you still don't care because you are sure that the other people will still side with you. Now apply that to today's standards. If you are approved of constantly, then over time you will not need approval because you feel like other people already approve of you.

The people in this thread are saying that it stems from childhood, which may be true, but probably just to the extent that they got their approval from people at an earlier age than most. I'm pretty sure that if you get approval at any point in your life you will feel self-assured after that. Unless it was something you constantly CRAVED for. If it is just subconscious, you will be fine once you get it. But if you CRAVED for it all your life and finally got it, then you still won't be completely normal and will be super arrogant instead, but will still feel the need to get attention from them anyway, which is a strange concept to understand because if you think someone is lower than you, why would you want their attention?

You will almost always seek approval from others in some way or another and most of it is done subconsciously. Very few people are fully free from this, and of those who are, they tend to be those younger kids who have a fvckton of pride inside somehow someway. And even with those people, you can still break them. You can always break people. The strongest individuals always die out.

 

[lizardking82]

Approval seeking + fear of abandonment stem from two things:

1. Humans are social creatures.
2. The ability of the pack to approve of you increased the likelihood of survival.

This goes way back. If your tribe or group or family was displeased with you or disapproved of you for whatever reason, you were not as high up on the social ladder and your needs would come last which could lower your chances of survival. You want to stay with the group. Now after a while of constant approval, people will begin to value your beliefs more and eventually trust your word maybe over their own if you are always approved of. Pretty soon, you would be able to make your own rules or influence the pack/group to your will more. Now you don't really need approval from anyone because you are already sure of yourself that others will agree/approve. And if one person doesn't then you still don't care because you are sure that the other people will still side with you. Now apply that to today's standards. If you are approved of constantly, then over time you will not need approval because you feel like other people already approve of you.

The people in this thread are saying that it stems from childhood, which may be true, but probably just to the extent that they got their approval from people at an earlier age than most. I'm pretty sure that if you get approval at any point in your life you will feel self-assured after that. Unless it was something you constantly CRAVED for. If it is just subconscious, you will be fine once you get it. But if you CRAVED for it all your life and finally got it, then you still won't be completely normal and will be super arrogant instead, but will still feel the need to get attention from them anyway, which is a strange concept to understand because if you think someone is lower than you, why would you want their attention?

You will almost always seek approval from others in some way or another and most of it is done subconsciously. Very few people are fully free from this, and of those who are, they tend to be those younger kids who have a fvckton of pride inside somehow someway. And even with those people, you can still break them. You can always break people. The strongest individuals always die out.

That is a different and I think quite true point of view. So it's like it's 50% normal for us to seek approval and be scared of being abandoned because it kinda means it lowers our chances to live and reproduce, right?

But why do you say the strongest individuals die out? Because they don't adhere with the pack and it is close to impossible to survive alone?

 

[BeExcellent]

Many years ago I struggled with this too. I think it's a rite of passage moving from youth to adulthood and that all humans go through this to one degree or another.

The goal is to have strong enough self talk and self belief that you are internally forged. Internally validated.

If someone passes a negative value judgement on me, such as I'm ugly or I'm stupid or whatever negative thing it might be, I REJECT entirely that assessment. In effect I'm immune to it. I KNOW for a fact their assessment is false...and then I get a bit amused by it. So then to amuse myself I sometimes poke the bear.

I'll laugh it off, tell the attempting to offend party that they are welcome to their opinion, but that their opinion has utterly no bearing on my reality...and then I grin a cheeky grin at them and stand my ground smiling. This includes how I deal with my mother (who has given up trying to berate me since it simply makes her look silly...NPD/BPDs despise being the butt of a joke).

Honestly it's great fun. I used to be conflict averse too...but I got over that in much the same way.

Be immovable in your self value and the world will respect you as you respect you.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

That is a different and I think quite true point of view. So it's like it's 50% normal for us to seek approval and be scared of being abandoned because it kinda means it lowers our chances to live and reproduce, right?

But why do you say the strongest individuals die out? Because they don't adhere with the pack and it is close to impossible to survive alone?

Typically yes, that's why the strongest die out. But being stronger than most does not mean so. Think of it like this, in dire times, who do people look towards to defend them? When someone points a gun to your head, a weak man would give him what he has and be done with it, whereas a strong man would tell him off and try fighting him. Plus, strong people tend to take firm stances on certain positions, whereas weak people don't; a liberal and conservative for example will kill each other over politics whereas a weak person just stands there and sides with whoever comes out as the victor. A quote from the Bible that I heard of really stuck out to me, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." Now I'm not Christian, but something about that saying resonates with me.