Where do you guys go when you need serious help?

[BPH]

I'm surprised I'm asking this question to a bunch of randoms on a pickup forum, but somehow I imagine that's still better than getting insight from the randos at r/Advice.

I need serious inquiries here, please no trolling or joking around. We have a serious family matter that I'm not sure how to deal with but has gotten to the point where I think some action needs to occur.

Without getting into too much detail, my fear is that my sister has been seeing a therapist who is reinforcing unhealthy behavior and that she's been interacting with a support group that validates and supports her opinions, however wrong or misguided they may be. Occasionally she takes to social media, and some friends and relatives will report back what she's posting, often deeply upsetting and saddening my mother.

I worry that as my parents are older, and especially in reference to my mom, putting this heartbreak and stress on my mother is undeserved and could really impact her health.

What I would like to do, is somehow figure out what therapist she's been seeing and confront them on her outside behavior. She has essentially cut ties with a large portion of her friends and family, so contacting her to find this information isn't possible. I don't want to keep seeing my mother like this or wondering what my sister may feel justified in doing to herself or others, on the basis on whatever positive affirmations she's been getting.

I think this is a catastrophic failure of therapy, coupled with an echo chamber that reinforces inaccurate beliefs that put my sister at risk and constantly upsets my aging mother. I may still ask this on r/Advice, but I want to see if anybody here has a good channel to use when they need serious help.

Thanks.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Therapy is confidential. A counselor would not reveal a client or anything about them.

You can't control what other people do, even if they are family.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

I'm fairly sure I know exactly what's going on.

Is your sister an adult? If so, there is nothing you can truly do. And depending on your state of residence, confronting her or her therapist could be considered a hate crime. I know you are worried for her wellbeing but if shes of age or even if she isn't there is probably nothing you can do.

I'm surprised I'm asking this question to a bunch of randoms on a pickup forum, but somehow I imagine that's still better than getting insight from the randos at r/Advice.

I need serious inquiries here, please no trolling or joking around. We have a serious family matter that I'm not sure how to deal with but has gotten to the point where I think some action needs to occur.

Without getting into too much detail, my fear is that my sister has been seeing a therapist who is reinforcing unhealthy behavior and that she's been interacting with a support group that validates and supports her opinions, however wrong or misguided they may be. Occasionally she takes to social media, and some friends and relatives will report back what she's posting, often deeply upsetting and saddening my mother.

I worry that as my parents are older, and especially in reference to my mom, putting this heartbreak and stress on my mother is undeserved and could really impact her health.

What I would like to do, is somehow figure out what therapist she's been seeing and confront them on her outside behavior. She has essentially cut ties with a large portion of her friends and family, so contacting her to find this information isn't possible. I don't want to keep seeing my mother like this or wondering what my sister may feel justified in doing to herself or others, on the basis on whatever positive affirmations she's been getting.

I think this is a catastrophic failure of therapy, coupled with an echo chamber that reinforces inaccurate beliefs that put my sister at risk and constantly upsets my aging mother. I may still ask this on r/Advice, but I want to see if anybody here has a good channel to use when they need serious help.

Thanks.

 

[BPH]

I'm fairly sure I know exactly what's going on.

Originally some stuff was risque, and we genuinely thought she might be pursuing OnlyFans, but more likely it was a cope since she's recently divorced and the outside sources that can look at her socials haven't raised any alarms since.

The content that upsets my mom is when she sees the kinda stuff she saw today; a 10-minute TikTok of her badmouthing her family, despising all men, talking about how painful and fake love is, saying that she's "stuck", while crying on camera. She has since removed that video after it was live for a few hours.

Her behavior upsets my mom especially, having her wondering where she went wrong, and wanting to be there to help and support her despite being completely cut off. She says the only solace in it is that she knows she's not dead or buried in a ditch somewhere.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Originally some stuff was risque, and we genuinely thought she might be pursuing OnlyFans, but more likely it was a cope since she's recently divorced and the outside sources that can look at her socials haven't raised any alarms since.

The content that upsets my mom is when she sees the kinda stuff she saw today; a 10-minute TikTok of her badmouthing her family, despising all men, talking about painful and fake love is, saying that she's "stuck", while crying on camera. She has since removed that video after it was live for a few hours.

Her behavior upsets my mom especially, having her wondering where she went wrong, and wanting to be there to help and support her despite being completely cut off. She says the only solace in it is that she knows she's not dead or buried in a ditch somewhere.

Ok my assumption was incorrect. I’m sorry this is occurring, but there really is nothing you can do either way. If her behavior is such that you believe that she will bring physical harm to herself call your non-emergency police number and ask for a health and welfare checkup on her, especially if she has suicidal ideation.

 

[Stanley]

It isn't your job to police your sister, even if it is arguably in her best interest.

You cannot control her and attempting to influence her away from her views will likely make her resent you down the line. I've encountered this with peers, friends and family who express views which I do not align with, but it is better to not stick your head where it doesn't belong.

You can't 'fix' her.

 

[NealIRC]

Therapy is confidential. A counselor would not reveal a client or anything about them.

False. If you tell a counselor you're a peedo, they'll snitch on you, to law enforcement.

 

[Bible_Belt]

False. If you tell a counselor you're a peedo, they'll snitch on you, to law enforcement.

That is an exception to the confidentiality rules. Many states now have mandatory reporting for holders of professional licenses. For example, teachers and nurses are supposed to report child abuse when they see signs of it.

Similar to attorney client privilege, there are always limitations. A lawyer is supposed to help you get away with past crimes, but is not allowed to help you commit future crimes.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Yes this is called Mandated Reporting:

Mandatory Reporting Laws - StatPearls - NCBI Bookshelf

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

False. If you tell a counselor you're a peedo, they'll snitch on you, to law enforcement.

Pedophiles should be shot on sight IMO, it would be a service to society.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

Many modern therapists are manipulative narcissists who do these sort of things (such as demanding the victim cut ties with family/friends) in order to hold power over their clients, ultimately for narcissistic supply or extortion/blackmail to keep them as lifetime clients.

Nothing you can do. It's her own fault for being an idiot. Cut ties with her and maybe she'll realize her mistake, nothing you say will convince her otherwise.

The best thing you could probably do is get a lawyer to cover your own ass or have him at your disposible to press charges in the event that your sister escapes from the therapist and has evidence of psychological abuse/extortion/etc.

To answer your question though, really, lawyers are your best bet for advice in ambiguous situations like this. Find one who isn't a pvssy.

 

[Barrister]

Everyone involved is an adult. There is nothing you can do except get yourself into some sh1t you wished you hadn't. Without knowing anything else, ask yourself if someone told you they tracked down a confidential therapist and actively tried to interfere with said therapy of the individual they were seeing if you would say the optics were good of that. You could theoretically open yourself up to some civil and potentially even criminal issues doing that - regardless of the fact she is family. This kind of thing can go sideways really quick even if you think you are doing a good thing for your family/mother.

Your only bet is to step back from the situation and hope your sister realizes the error of her ways. I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you, but I would definitely detach yourself from the situation now. Perhaps you can encourage your mom to at least cut ties with your sister on social media to lessen her stress.

 

[Deranged]

When I need serious help I go to my book collection and pull out; Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. This book always brings me back to earth.

This is outside your control brother. The system is a failure, I get it. You can try and limit your mothers exposure to what you deem is negative to her health, but it's likely in vain. The reality is your time is better spent elsewhere. Control your thoughts from wandering to this negative aspect of your life.

 

[Kotaix]

Originally some stuff was risque, and we genuinely thought she might be pursuing OnlyFans, but more likely it was a cope since she's recently divorced and the outside sources that can look at her socials haven't raised any alarms since.

The content that upsets my mom is when she sees the kinda stuff she saw today; a 10-minute TikTok of her badmouthing her family, despising all men, talking about how painful and fake love is, saying that she's "stuck", while crying on camera. She has since removed that video after it was live for a few hours.

Her behavior upsets my mom especially, having her wondering where she went wrong, and wanting to be there to help and support her despite being completely cut off. She says the only solace in it is that she knows she's not dead or buried in a ditch somewhere.

Sounds like she's been brainwashed with wokeness. A large number of so-called therapists are being indoctrinated in college with courses like "systems of oppression" and turned into activists. I witnessed this first-hand when my ex was going to a progressive college that was churning out therapists; most of them talked non-stop about privilege, cultural appropriation, toxic masculinity, etc. And this was 8 years ago, it's only gotten worse since then.

Also, one of my great female friends was ruined by the same crap in colleges. She even admitted to me that she no longer had any friends left. She stopped talking to me when I bust out laughing at her angry delusional feminist drivel.

My bet is that her therapist is fanning the flames instead of trying to put them out.

There is nothing you can do other than offer her support if she needs it. As for your mom, you can help her understand that her daughter is in a cult and it has nothing to do with her upbringing.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Therapy is guaranteed to stop when the therapist is no longer getting paid. So. Who is paying the bill? If it is anyone other than your sister?

Stop paying. Easy.

I went through this kind of woke crap with my older daughter, who as a young teen was living in the Midwest and was gaining weight at an alarming clip (She was surrounded by overweight and obese people and there was all this woke BS of body acceptance.)

I was the thin mom at 5’6” 115 lbs explaining that obesity is bad for your health and her THERAPIST (who was obese and ugly) actually counseled my daughter that I did not accept her. That therapist did a tremendous amount of damage by preying on a young person who was an impressionable minor.

So here’s what I did. I stopped paying the bill (my ex husband couldn’t afford it without me), and I moved my daughter from the overweight Midwest to the far more fitness conscious southwestern US. None of her peers in high school in the new setting were fat. She made friends with thin people who cared about their appearance. Peer pressure solved the problem without me doing anything further, AND I got her a physically fit male therapist in a happy marriage for her to see for her anxiety.

She is 5’10. She dropped from 175lbs to 125lbs in 2 years, became very conscious about what she puts in her body, and eats sensibly. I simply did not buy junk food. She is not a big exerciser but her weight is now healthy.

But that idiot therapist in the Midwest seriously damaged my relationship with my daughter by taking legit health concerns out of context and egging on the woke crap.

My daughter does refer to her boyfriend (who is 6’5” and probably 165lbs) as “my partner” which is this whole Gen Z woke stuff, I cannot stress how much influence environment has. A change in environment can make an enormous difference.

Interestingly enough my daughter has also decided she’s learned to cope better, manage stress better, has stopped her anxiety meds and rarely goes to therapy anymore. And if she does? She pays now that she’s an adult. For her co-pay as well as whatever meds. Suddenly she doesn’t need it now that it comes out of her pocket.

See how that works?

If your sister pays the therapist and everyone is a grown adult there is nothing you can do. Your mother needs to accept this is who her daughter is, quit looking at social media and quit participating in the drama she is stirring. Life will be better if your mom tunes out. If it stresses your mom out? Quit participating in the drama. That is also outside your control.

Learn what you can control and don’t worry about the rest. Your life will be more peaceful that way. I’ve been there, done that. I do not stress about stuff I’m not empowered to deal with and I do no waste emotional energy worrying about it either.

Life is too precious for all that.

 

[Black Widow Void]

I've actually encountered this *exact* family experience (I'll explain later below).

First, I'm going to suggest something that I openly admit that I'm preaching - rather than always practicing. Try your best to avoid fighting fire with fire. If you don't, this will further alienate her and only (inadvertently) push her further into the wrong crowd.

There are a lot of unethical 'professionals' in this field. It's really no different than the dishonest mechanic; they lose continual revenue if they entirely fix a problem. And so, they always leave something (or someone) vulnerable so there will be guaranteed financial residuals.

My mother was a psychologist. I've dated four women in this field, plus one other that majored in psychology, but chose a different path. I realize that blanketed generalizations aren't always good or accurate, but those I knew (including my own mother) were the most neurotic narcissistic folks I've ever met.

My last psychology girlfriend has a PhD in psychology. She told me that the patients are now different. She said that most patients do not arrive with the motive of getting cured. Instead, most all want someone that listens and validates them in their current state.

--- Back to my above story. My mother retired early. She usually preferred the company of books over social company. With more time on her hands, she became more 'in her head' about things. This was over twenty years ago (before My Space, Facebook etc..). She mailed a letter to my grandfather (her father) who was around eighty five years old. He was still very much alert. My mother basically sent a letter filled with pages of any recalled memory of his poor parenting. Like any parent, I'm sure that he wasn't perfect, but he was a good guy. The letter broke his heart.

My Aunt checked in daily with my Grandfather and saw the letter. She informed her other siblings. I was also made aware of my mother's behavior. Consequently, other family members further distanced themselves from her. She was my mother and so I maintained contact, but this relationship had always been patchy.

My Grandfather, Aunt and mother have since passed away. Looking back, I wonder if I'd spent more time attempting to make my mother feel valued (though I didn't feel it) if this would have subdued her reactive behavior. I don't know if this might ease things with your sister or not, but I can say that reacting in an avoidance or combative manner did not help at all.

 

[NealIRC]

She mailed a letter to my grandfather (her father) who was around eighty five years old. He was still very much alert. My mother basically sent a letter filled with pages of any recalled memory of his poor parenting. Like any parent, I'm sure that he wasn't perfect, but he was a good guy. The letter broke his heart.

This is actually a smart tactic. Rather than tell people their flaws at face value, you type it in a note and shove it under their door. I've done that to people before.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi BPH,
Flexpert has it right....the therapist persuades your Sister she can't trust her Family,can't look to Men for solutions,can only trust her at say $200 a session,better than working for a living LOL.

 

[BPH]

I appreciate all the input guys, unfortunately, you all seem to kind of echo the same sentiment that I can't do anything, and anything I DID try to do would likely make things worse for all involved.

For clarity, this isn't me seeking to "save my sister", my concern is my mother. I gave up on my sister a long time ago.

That might sound callous, but she has an extremely negative view of almost everything I do. She opposes almost any political view I have (she is very left-leaning) and thinks I "use" and "mistreat" women because I sleep around - almost as if she feels she has to speak out against me on their behalf or something. Any time we've tried to patch things up, which involves ME apologizing for how SHE feels, that apology only lasts until I do something that bothers her again. We cannot have conversations because she gets upset, emotional, defensive, and will leave the room if she doesn't feel like her (skewed) view is supported...my parents and I tried to hash things out in this manner last year around Christmas time and she just couldn't keep it together. Couple that with a divorce and therapy and I think she may genuinely have some issues, especially at this point. It's unfortunate too, because I've also seen therapy work. My ex, who was a huge problem, started taking therapy seriously after I left her about a year and a half ago. Since then she's apologized for how she's treated me, thanked me for sticking with her as long as I did, and seems overall happier, allowing us to maintain contact without issue.

This post was mostly for my mom. She's an incredibly optimistic, happy, generous, and kind woman and I don't think she deserves to be upset by this girl who can't take accountability for any of her mistakes and blames everyone else for where she's at. She disgusts me and makes me angry, and I no longer have sympathy for her. I simply want my mom to be happy she raised two good children, rather than focusing on the bad one.

 

[BPH]

You need professional help. If it is serious don't come here. Go to the real world.

Ironically, "professional help" seems to be the problem.