When you are aruging.. how much do you conceed?

[backbreaker]

Okay, I've been here awhile, long enough to where some of you can kinda grasp my persona. I'm pretty stubborn,I know I'm right and I have a pretty short temper.

My GF and I don't aruge alot, hardly at all. Well, we got into it today. The story is, I just have not been spending much time with her the last 2 weeks. Hoenstly, it's not that I don't want to, i'm just busy. Alot of race tracks open the day after christmas, I'm working with a guy to launch a nother business venture that I am basically financing and helping him with the business structure, and I have a 7 month old son. Oh and to top all that off, it's bCS bowl season.

My GF is always understanding of me working, that's never a problem. I promised her It hink it was late last week we would go out today to eat.. well...I forgot about the Texas Ohio State game today.

now, it's not like football is more important to me than my GF, it's not. But this is a game I've been looking forward to all year, I hate the freaking big 10 and whenever I can watch them get whiped I cheer gleefully. But seriously it was a matter more of anything than me getting my dates wrong, i have n problem taking her out...well yeah tomorrow is out the question, arkansas has a basketball game on eSPN, but wednesday or tuesday afternoon is fine.

anyway, she pitches one. Not real bad but she lets me have it. And mind you.. she has a ****ing point. I know she has a point, she knows she has a point, but i'm ont going to tell her she has a point. So i offer to take her out tomorrow.. I can tivo the baksetball game and catch it later... that's not good enough. See now I think she is being difficult for thes ake of being difficult. but if I were to get up and leave I would have a miserable time beucase i don't want to e there, that's not an option to me. So she throws the whole "well I will just go out myself" line, so I go and give her the keys to my car and tell her to get the fvck out. She gives me this are you ****ting me look. I tell her look... yes I care about you, seriously, but i'm not going to take half ass threats,. if you don't want to be here, you are always free to go, and I'm not going to stop you from leaving. doesn't mean I WANT you to go.

Heads cooled, she is still mad, but decided she is going to get some take out and come back, but I know this isn't over.

So.. WTF do I do?

 

[jophil28]

Heads cooled, she is still mad, but decided she is going to get some take out and come back, but I know this isn't over.

So.. WTF do I do?

You have already done TOO much and said too much.

My "rule" is this - if I am wiiling to compromise and find the "next best" solution, I expect her to give a little ground too. Unfortunately women are bull headed and expect you to give all the ground to accomodate their wishes.
They truly believe that they are entitled to get their own way TOTALLY just because they want it.

One way to deal with this is to punish her stubborness by giving her nothing at all. Hopefully she will learn that throwing hissy fits brings her big fat Zeros. However most women NEVER co-relate their actions with the eventual outcome. They just habitually blame you for not caving in to their whims.

And so the old battle continues...

 

[backbreaker]

yeah you are right. I think I just felt bad becuaes I did tell her I would do something that I am not going to do.

like i said, cooler heads have prevaled, and at the end of the day she knows who runs things, but I don' want to be an ******* at the same time. she went out and got some chinese food and ice cream and will watch the game with me, i'l make it up to her sometime later this week, but I won't tell her about it.

 

[STR8UP]

Depends on how good her point is.

If it comes down to you being neglectful, that's one thing. You should make some changes. But if it's a matter of you being the same successful, driven person you were when she met you and she's putting a damper on your masculinity, you need to nip that in the bud.

Sounds like it's somewhere in between, but I would lean a little toward the latter. I would give what needs to be given but let it blow over. If it continues to happen and you know you're not in the wrong, just stand your ground cause in the back of her mind she knows she won't do better.

 

[backbreaker]

I mean I know I told her I would do something, that I can't do technicaly. I think she's causing a scene however without being flexible on the date. I got the date of the game messed up. it happens. that's why she chilled out and is not making a big deal about it anymore.
she's not a dummie. she knows she can live like she lives becuase I am. that I don't think she has a problem with, I think she kinda made a stand becuase she didn't want me to think that everything (i.e football) is more important than she is. if that makes any sense.
I think from her standpoint however, she feels somewhat neglected, and I can see that. relationships are hard work I tell ya.

 

[jophil28]

she went out and got some chinese food and ice cream and will watch the game with me, i'l make it up to her sometime later this week, but I won't tell her about it.

The food and icecream were her "peace making" gestures. Relationship glue.
I do disagree with you on one point. When you "make it up to her" later in the week , let her know that you are doing just that.
I have learned to give ground when it SUITS me and not when she is manipulating . Admit that you are giving ground later in the week by doing something that she wants to do,. This is no skin off your nose and she will feel that she has some control and "power" in the relationship and that you are a "fair" man and not a dictator. .
YOu need to be NOT too invested is some DJ mindset which preaches endless control of women. Women will retaliate against such rigidity in covert and very destuctive ways if you are too controlling.

 

[backbreaker]

nah the food and ice cream were planned anyway. she cooks everyday execpt monday, which she goes and gets some takeout somewhere. my deal with her basically, the unspoken rule is you dont' have to work, but damnit i 'll be damned if the house is not clean and i'm hungry.

I'll take her out Friday and do just what you said. thanks for the advice.

 

[Mr. Me]

I promised her It hink it was late last week we would go out today to eat.. well...I forgot about the Texas Ohio State game today. now, it's not like football is more important to me than my GF, it's not. But

But... your actions don't hold up your statement that your GF's more important then this game and she sees that you're reneging on your promise because of this game. She may calm down and seem okay with it, but... she's swallowing her anger to make the peace, that resentment over her feeling wronged will stay inside her where it can fester and build everytime she feels wronged. That's the way women tick.

"When you are arguing.. how much do you concede?" When a guy is clearly in the wrong, the thing a man does is he acknowledges it rather then defend it and apologizes succinctly, sincerely, and moves on and doesn't repeat his errors.

if you don't want to be here, you are always free to go, and I'm not going to stop you from leaving. doesn't mean I WANT you to go.

Then don't say it. Words have impact and the message you're sending is "if you don't like it, leave". It's a veiled threat she's hearing. Don't make threats about the relationship.

Relationships are hard work, yes, if you're with the wrong person, or if you are the wrong person, or you're going about it wrong.

because you know deep down that you do a lot for her and her b!tching is uncalled for.

But that's not really the way the female mind works though and we're dealing with females here. You're applying reason in stating that the good outweighs the bad yet the female goes by how she feels at the moment and then applies the supporting reasons. One unkind act is just as equal as everything up to now, and her feeling is probably more like "I know you pay the mortgage and make a nice life for us, and I appreciate that, but you can't expect me to be okay with breaking your word to me."

One of the things women want in a relationship is quality time with their man. You have to put that time in, make quality time for her. Just about 10 hours or so a week, where nothing else gets in the way. You don't discuss work, kids, bills - it's just time to make her feel understood, wanted, appreciated, where you both kick back, relax, have a date. This is Relationship Maintenance. This is what she's asking for.

Look at it this way, just like you need to see her naked from time to time, she needs that.

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

I don't know if my advice will count. But, I'm short and to the point. So, I'd just sit down and talk to her. Say something like... Hey I know I got a lil mad at you and I've been busy with work. But, you know I do care about you and I want to make up our initial plan. Then, set up whatever plans you make. In a way you are kind of apologizing but, your not specificly saying sorry to her.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

The Power of "No"

It's really about setting and maintaining a frame. In marriage, women use sex as their only agency for setting the frame in an LTR / marriage. She gets fat and you complain - no sex. She wants to go to some insipid family function and you complain - no sex. She wants you to be at home waiting for her and you object - no sex. She doesn't want to watch the football game with you and you complain - no sex. It always comes back to sex. Take a way this tool and you will set the frame.

As readily as women will use their sexuality as an agency, the opposite response is what they want in return for this. They want a man with whom their vagina holds no power over, because this is the guy they can respect. Wives need to be told "NO", and sometimes this simply needs to be an arbitrary 'no' for no other reason than to remind her of who's frame she's agreed to live in.

For example, about 5 years ago my wife had come across a trundle bed for our daughter for about $200 in the classifieds. She called me from work to ask if it would be alright to buy this bed. After thinking about picking it up and re-building it I said no. My daughter was just fine in her already nice bed and I simply didn't want to go to the trouble of disposing of her bed and setting up another one, price was no object. My wife got indignant and had that "you'd-better-agree-or-no-sex" tone in her voice, at which point I read the sh!t test coming. "Well it's a great deal and I don't see why we can't get it,..blah, blah,..but if you don't want to then FINE!" she intoned to me. At this stage I don't explain my reasonings, I simply say "No." This is no longer about the bed, it's about setting a frame.

In the end, she became resentful and held out on me until the following week (when we hit it like crazy again). I still got laid the next week AND the frame was still my own. You see, the secret is that no amount of pussie, no matter how great the sex is, is never worth losing the frame. Sex is short term gratification - and women know this - whereas losing the frame has long term impact on your life. I think back to when I foolishly caved in to allowing my wife to buy a car for herself after a similar exchange to the bed incident. She wanted the car because it was 'cute' and I went along because she was so in love with it and I got some pretty good sex after the purchase. But into the first year of owning this car it turned out to be the worst mechanical nightmare I'd ever experienced and was in the shop more than on the road. It cost thousands to fix and I ultimately used it as a trade in for a better car that I chose for her and took a huge hit in it's original purchase price. So you see, it's long term investment versus short term gratification. Pussie is never a good bet; masturbation is preferable to making bad long term decisions. I got laid the night after she got her car, but we had to live with that car for 2 years after that. Never again will my wife be allowed to buy a car BTW.

Far too many men fear the power of "No". In this one little word is the covert message that her sexuality, her primary influencing agency and tool with you in an LTR, is either called into question or she realizes it has no sway over you. It becomes a covert game of chicken - who's going to call who's bluff first. Your "No" to her makes her edgy, not because you're a Jerk (which she'll call you), but because that "No" is an overt expression of confidence. Confidence that sends the covert message "My attentions are more valuable than your sexuality." It rekindles that competition anxiety she thought she could comfortably slouch away from in an LTR with you after you affirm for her that SHE is your only source of sex. After a confident "No" her imagination starts working - "If he's confident enough to tell me 'no' in spite of an overt knowledge that I'll hold out on him, does that mean he's confident enough to get sex elsewhere? Wont other women appreciate this confidence too?"

I don't espouse this in order to make a guy an uncompromising ass-hole, irrationally and unreasonably hitting her back with a stream of "No" all the time. You'd be an idiot to do that, particularly when she has an insight about a situation that you don't. Of course there is always going to be compromise in an LTR, but the art is seeing the difference between compromise and manipulation. If compromise turns into her getting her way by means of negotiation - or you simply being trained by her to default to acquiescing - because she controls the supply of sex, that sex is based on obligation, not genuine desire, and you can ALWAYS do better than that.

 

[Vypros]

You apologize to her for making plans with her on a date you already had plans, explain the situation, and offer a comprimise.

Sounds like you did all that but the apologizing part. You fvcked up. You did. You made plans with her on a day you couldn't go out with her (I know you forgot, but it's still YOUR fvck up). So own up to what you did, apologize for it, and tell you you can take her out tomorrow.

How she reacts to that is her business. I would wager she's allowed to be a little upset, but she'll eventually get over it.

From the tone of your post, though, I get the vibe that you probably DO put sports above her. Nothing wrong with having a hobby, and you shouldn't just abandon that hobby for her, but sometimes you gotta give a little.

 

[STR8UP]

Then don't say it. Words have impact and the message you're sending is "if you don't like it, leave". It's a veiled threat she's hearing. Don't make threats about the relationship.

The big problem with using words around women is that they will pick and choose the ones they want to hear, and discard the rest.

 

[NewMan]

can tivo the baksetball game and catch it later

Then why not just tivo the Texas and Ohio state game and watch it later?

Your obviously a busy guy with little time for your GF. You made the plans, you f'd it up. Just tivo the game and watch it later.

 

[backbreaker]

I'm not the guy that will take her out 5 nights a week. she knows and accecpts that. I have things to do. Personal and Business related
I mean, I work from home, she doesn't work, it's not like we NEVER see each other, and it's not like I dont' like spending time with her. had that game not been on I would have loved nothing more than to take her out and have a good time. She's GREAT company, we always have fun and it never gets old. It's not like she's a chore.

But there is a difference between seeing each other and spending quality time together. I think she realized that I made an honest mistake and once she realized i wasn't bull****ting about the dates, was okay. Relationships are about understanding and comproimises.. there have been times w hen I wanted to go out and one of her GF's would call and they would have this get together and I would tell her to go have fun.. It's really not that big a deal.


we had some pretty good makup sex.. our sex life has always been pretty damn good anyway, suprisingly after 2 years it has not tailed off lol.

 

[backbreaker]

You apologize to her for making plans with her on a date you already had plans, explain the situation, and offer a comprimise.

Sounds like you did all that but the apologizing part. You fvcked up. You did. You made plans with her on a day you couldn't go out with her (I know you forgot, but it's still YOUR fvck up). So own up to what you did, apologize for it, and tell you you can take her out tomorrow.

How she reacts to that is her business. I would wager she's allowed to be a little upset, but she'll eventually get over it.

From the tone of your post, though, I get the vibe that you probably DO put sports above her. Nothing wrong with having a hobby, and you shouldn't just abandon that hobby for her, but sometimes you gotta give a little.

No I don't, but I'm practical, in th esense that the fiesta bowl happens once a year.

Then why not just tivo the Texas and Ohio state game and watch it later?

Your obviously a busy guy with little time for your GF. I made the plans, you f'd it up. Just tivo the game and watch it later.

I think Rollo kinda hit this point already. First, if I would have did that, I would have been unhappy, becuase I wanted badly tow atch that game. I just did not want to. It's really that simple if you want me to be honest.

Say you thought the super bowl was feburary 8th and you made all these super bowl plans with your friends, but come to find out, it's feburary 1st, the same day you told your GF oyu would go on a picnic with her and take her on a romantic walk on the beach. Are you goiing to sit here and tell me you are going to tivo the super bowl becuase you are wrong? this is one instance that damnit.. I just have to be wrong,a nd we are goin to have to make other plans. It's just that simple. That happens to me every year BTW, I never can guess the weekend of the super bowl. it's like one year they take off an extra week, the next year they don't.

 

[Bible_Belt]

so I ... tell her to get the fvck out. She gives me this are you ****ting me look. I tell her look... yes I care about you, seriously, but i'm not going to take half ass threats,. if you don't want to be here, you are always free to go...


As long as you don't lose this attitude, I don't think you need any advice from anybody.