When will I toughen up?

[Ever onward]

I broke up with my ex about two months ago. Then I started working 7 days a week and a woman at work approached me. I became infatuated for 4 weeks and we flirted constantly. The job was a temp job, it ended, I asked her out and she rejected me. End of story.

So this week I was all upset and depressed. Texted the ex just to have someone to talk to let out the feelings of the apparent infatuation I had been going through. I was hoping maybe we could return to friend status as she was absolutely one of the best friends I've ever had before we hooked up.

So we talk for a few days. We're almost friends again like before. Then she tells me she is seeing someone else and that she had slept with him. I was crushed!! I thought that since my feelings were so strong for work girl that I really wouldn't care what the ex was doing.

Right now I'm texting back and forth with her and telling her that I'm sorry that I can't be friends with her. It always bothers me how everyone says it's no big deal to be friends with an ex but it really REALLY bothers me. I feel like every time I talk to her I'm reminded that I wasn't good enough.

So what do you say? Should a guy be able to be friends with his ex? I have had my heart broken so many times and I swear that I will never toughen up. Every time I slip right back in and get hurt again. Time after time after time after time.

Give me some tough love guys. Call me a whiny little pvssy

 

[Bible_Belt]

When you have sex with another woman, you won't care what your ex does any more.

 

[joekerr31]

oh man, that sucks. i feel for ya bro, when it rains it pours.
but now on to some advice, here is my take on this....

1) yes you are being an AFC
2) your ex knows you are an AFC
3) NEVER turn to a women to help you with your problems in life
4) she told you about her screwing another guy to hurt you.

now some more color to the above conslusions.

see, you think your ex surely wouldn't do something like that. surely she would not hurt you on purpose, not when you were so close to being friends again.

WRONG.

she's not stupid dude. she knows telling you that would hurt you. trust me on that.

so why did she tell you about that, especially given your current state?

i'll tell ya why. becuase what women love more than anything is feeling like the prize. and when she tells you about some other dude banging her, and then you go nuts, her ego goes off the scale. in her mind shes thinking 'he still wants me. he still has feelings for me. look how much pain hes in because of me. look how much i matter to him." Its like a shot of heroine to her.

she'll NEVER admit that to you, because it would make her look like a utterly heartless b*tch, but thats how a LOT of women are - the sugar and spice is often just a cover up.

odds are that on one level, yes she wants to be your friend. but on another level, whatever happened between the two of you, left her with some resentment towards you. its the only reason to start telling you that shes banging some guy - its designed to hurt you.

now a lot of guys on here will say "give me a break. they aren't an item. he has no right to get upset over her banging some dude."

and i would agree, you have no right to be upset over her banging some dude, but you do have a right over her telling you about it when you are going through a tough time. i DO NOT believe that a decent person brings that up with an ex in a time of hardship - even the most idiotic of people know NOT to do that.

so you've been punched in the gut twice. once at work and now once by your ex.

so what? thats life my man. what you are going thorugh has happened to millions of men.

when life knocks you to your knees you need to smile, spit in its face, and stand back up. stop letting women upset you this much, its crazy. you should not be putting so much interest in what women think.

you are taking rejection way to personally and you are turning to women to help you feel better about yourself - BOTH are MAJOR no no's.

what you need to do is pick yourself back up. yes, its tough, but the more you do it the easier it gets.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Ever Onward,



The best advice I've been given recently is the SAME advice I will now pass on to YOU, soldier:

Don't take women SERIOUSLY.

Instead, think of them ALL as just "one" more of your many hobbies that you indulge in to add FLEETING pleasure to your life. Try to enjoy them as a pleasant distraction from the harsher things in life ONLY.

Because if you can manage to do THIS, I believe that your mindset will be as such that one day you will be genuinely surprised when ONE particular woman emerges from out of THE MANY to show herself as being someone TRULY special.

And THAT'S the one you will find yourself giving a SECOND LOOK to.

THAT'S the one who will prove the sincerity of HER interest by her consistently good behavior towards you.

THAT'S the one who will prove herself WORTHY of being more than just another woman, but rather, someone worthy of becoming "YOUR" woman------if you so choose...

And THAT'S when you'll know when it may finally be SAFE to let her get close enough to you to touch you emotionally.

Because by then, you will have enough information about her to better judge if she can be trusted with access to your most prized possesion----YOUR HEART.

Listen soldier, most of us (God willing) are born with two eyes, two arms, and two legs------but only ONE heart. So stop being so CAVALIER and CARELESS about who you choose to expose it to.

Show YOURSELF at least the same amount of respect you show others...protect your heart, man.

Not to the extent where you callously destroy the hearts of others, but definitely to the extent where you put up SAFEGUARDS to protect your own.


Life is change...and I KNOW that a change will come for you as well.

A POSITVE one.

So stay strong.

 

[STR8UP]

3) NEVER turn to a women to help you with your problems in life

ESPECIALLY if you have history together.

What are you doing contacting an ex? You should NEVER have contact with an ex while you still have feelings or are vulnerable in any way. Even when you got your sh!t together it isn't usually a good idea.

 

[Ever onward]

You guys are the best. I post at a few different forums so I don't spend much time here but really you guys are the wisest and most supportive forum members I've ever seen.

@ Joekerr

You know I never really thought that she might be trying to hurt me. I have to get it through my head that women don't think like we do and there is always another layer. You said a lot of really supportive and helpful advice. It's late so I can't comment right now but I'll reread it tomorrow.

@ Victory unlimited

You're always good with a pep talk. But like I said it's late and I haven't my wits about me to fully digest your post. You made a lot of good points about not getting emotionally attached. Like I said I'll check back tomorrow.

@ Str8up

I guess I didn't feel I had anyone else to turn to right now. Anyway, I figured you were one of the guys that would say "I have no problem being friends with exes" and here you are telling me to avoid contact with her while I still have feelings for her. But really should a mature, emotionally stable guy be able to handle being friends with an ex? I just don't see myself ever getting to that point where I would even want that with any of them.

 

[WaterTiger]

Joekerr was right. NEVER EVER ask a woman (especially one you have history with) about help with problems. And yes...we ARE that cold to an ex. Especially if he calls up and is whiney.

You will get tougher, your heart will heal and you'll move on too. Just please don't get bitter!

 

[Metro3pilot]

wow I guess this proves :

YOU SHOULD NEVER GO BACK TO AN EX ! ! ! :cuss:

don't feel like the lone ranger, its happend to all of us ....

but don't think her wanting to hurt you, means she still has feelings for you and you need to chase her now ..... been there too my man :nono:

Peace out

:rockon:

 

[grinder]

You hear about x’s being friends or even re-marrying the same person. This is due purely to a lack of having other options, other women.

Toughness is irrelevant, having a hard heart is irrelevant, what your x’s intentions are is irrelevant.

If you are busy with other women, other activities, other passions your concern for her will miraculously simply fall away.

It will take some time. You’ve been on this board a long time, you know what to do. Take that laser-beam focus off her and simply point it somewhere else, ANYWHERE ELSE.

Whatever it is that you focus your attention and concentration on will become important. That’s a universal law.

 

[jonwon]

I broke up with my ex about two months ago. Then I started working 7 days a week and a woman at work approached me. I became infatuated for 4 weeks and we flirted constantly. The job was a temp job, it ended, I asked her out and she rejected me. End of story.

So this week I was all upset and depressed. Texted the ex just to have someone to talk to let out the feelings of the apparent infatuation I had been going through. I was hoping maybe we could return to friend status as she was absolutely one of the best friends I've ever had before we hooked up.

So we talk for a few days. We're almost friends again like before. Then she tells me she is seeing someone else and that she had slept with him. I was crushed!! I thought that since my feelings were so strong for work girl that I really wouldn't care what the ex was doing.

Right now I'm texting back and forth with her and telling her that I'm sorry that I can't be friends with her. It always bothers me how everyone says it's no big deal to be friends with an ex but it really REALLY bothers me. I feel like every time I talk to her I'm reminded that I wasn't good enough.

So what do you say? Should a guy be able to be friends with his ex? I have had my heart broken so many times and I swear that I will never toughen up. Every time I slip right back in and get hurt again. Time after time after time after time.

Give me some tough love guys. Call me a whiny little pvssy

No need to cover, some great posts in here, just want to add one final thing.

Be true to yourself, yes learn about your mistakes, take guidence from others wiser then you.

But disregard things that dont meet your sence of 'self', in the case of being mates with the girl, i think its clear 'you' are not comfortable with that, so instead of doing what 'others' want you to do, its about time to do 'what' you, 'truly' want to do.

Remember.

In the concept of dating, if you can embrace others teachings and use the best of those that applies to 'your sense of self' you will achieve far better success and have a better chance of meeting a women who will share the same values has you do, on the other hand you can be some other persons hand puppet or be a spinless guy who morphs onto each others girl as much has possible.

I am not stating this is you, but i think your asking alot of questions you already know the answer to.

 

[kingwilliam]

I'm sorry that happened to ya, man. I've been there......its a disgusting feeling. It happened to me about a year ago. I was with a woman for 3 years........we broke up and somehow she found it necessary to make sure I knew about her new fellow.

There is some great advice posted above, much better than I can give, but let me tell you how I handled it and why I am a happy sonofa***** these days: You must, and I mean MUST, cease all contact with the B1TCH. I also started going to the gym and puttin in some really intense workouts, which made me feel GREAT, physically and mentally. The most important thing I did was simply get back out there in the field............there is nothing that makes you forget a woman like being around other women.

 

[STR8UP]

It goes right back to the fact that EVERY interaction with a female should be a healthy interaction.

You want to be friends with a woman? Fine. Just as long as your feelings are in check and you aren't lying to yourself as to your intentions.

You want to be friends with an ex? That's SEMI fine. Meaning, it's ok as long as there isn't a piece of you who is looking for something more. And certainly not when the emotions are running rampant.

I had dinner with an ex awhile back. Everyone here blasted me for it. But I honestly wanted NOTHING from her. And we had been broken up for years.

On the other hand, I found another ex g/f on Myspace awhile ago. I thought about contacting her for a brief second, but then realized that nothing good would come of it. She was pretty much a decent person, but she DID fukk me over in the end and there was bad blood. It would have done ZERO good for me to contact her.

 

[joekerr31]

Joekerr was right. NEVER EVER ask a woman (especially one you have history with) about help with problems. And yes...we ARE that cold to an ex. Especially if he calls up and is whiney.

You will get tougher, your heart will heal and you'll move on too. Just please don't get bitter!

this is probably one of the toughest lessons i ever learned in life. its hard to contemplate that someone who at one point loved you, someone you've shared intimiate experiences with, etc. - could possibly get any satisfaction from kicking you when you are down.

and yet, it seems to be the norm. most ex's will kick you when you are down for good measure. its almost like payback for every wrong they perceived you as having committed against them.

 

[WestCoaster]

Don't text or call her ever again. Get some more dates and move on. I've done the try-to-get-back-together or let's-be-friends b.s with ex's (in my AFC days) and all it did was dig the wounds a little deeper. It's best to move on.

Also, women can be quite cold with this. Even if your emotions are in check, most women cannot keep their emotions in check. They live for the emotional moment, what's making them feel good or bad NOW. A gal I dated once said she enjoyed being in turbulent relationships because she liked the drama. I was like WTF? But that's how they operate, on pure emotion. They see an ex as a former lover, not a friend -- and that's how you should see them, too.

When men move on or spin plates, they're considered players and cruel; when women do the same thing, they're "finding themselves." This is the society we're in now. Nevertheless, date others, move on.

 

[squirrels]

Give me some tough love guys. Call me a whiny little pvssy

You're a whiny little pvssy.

Now...go DO something about it.

 

[frivolousz21]

personally..I have no female friends....and I like it that way.

I have my grandma, fiance, and babysitter who is in her 60s that I talk too.

but no female friends in my 20s..they offer me nothing..and I think having female friends..exp under 30 is a mistake.

the only girls I know are aqquantences and I use them to flirt when I feel like it and thats not heavy flirting.

you need to get around some real men..and better youself

 

[danielzxc]

Yes you're a whiny pyssy. But I thank you for it buddy. It's nice to be reminded just what soft ckks some guys out there are. It just confirms me to me that I'm well beyond the point where I could give a shyt what some ex said to me or thought of me.

 

[Ever onward]

I'm well beyond the point where I could give a shyt what some ex said to me or thought of me.

Alright so surely you were in my shoes at one time or another. How did you get to that place where you don't care and stuff doesn't bother you? I've been through this over and over again and still I'm not desensitized.

 

[danielzxc]

The realization: "she owes me nothing."

 

[Ever onward]

That's a good point. I would ask you to elaborate on that but I think that would be over complicating your point.