When To Cut It Off Or Confront
- Thread starter joverby
- Start date
Ya, I keep making the rookie mistake of going off of the words instead of actions because I'd like to believe that even though I should really know better.
Yesterday I was going no contact, same as the day before and she called me, I called her back a few minutes after that. She was all cold like, I just ignored it and went over.
Went over, everything was cool. Her best friend came over later and we were all chilling, and I could tell later in the night something started to bug her. After he friend left, we went back into her room. Her body language screamed distance, w/ the crossed arms, she did have her head leaned on me but that was it.
I asked what was going on she said nothing(of course). I pressed it for a little bit, she insisted nothing. Explained why I was and it was really ****ty she was being that way. Pressed some more told her we don't need the stress etc., she started crying, not full on but tears in the eyes. Still wouldn't say anything, the auora in the air was that it was over. I just kept thinking this is where I need to man up and just take off and say it's not working for me and obviously not her.
We sat in awkward silence for a little while. She asked me "what?" at one point because I was just looking at her trying to think of something to say. I said "I can't say anything?" she asked what I was talking about, I said well it's pretty obvious you want to break up with me. She insisted this wasn't true and apologized for her behavior. We went out to her car and she was really apologetic and asked me if everything was alright because she could tell it still bugged me.
We went back inside, had sex. Left this morning thinking everything was cool. Texted her about an hour before she left work , no response yet(3 hours ago). Not freaking out over that yet.But this ****s ****ed up. Definitley seemed like she wanted to break it off or was REALLY guilty about something(I'm sure we all know what). I know I should've just manned up when she was tearing up and broke it off.....damn
Yesterday I was going no contact, same as the day before and she called me, I called her back a few minutes after that. She was all cold like, I just ignored it and went over.
Went over, everything was cool. Her best friend came over later and we were all chilling, and I could tell later in the night something started to bug her. After he friend left, we went back into her room. Her body language screamed distance, w/ the crossed arms, she did have her head leaned on me but that was it.
I asked what was going on she said nothing(of course). I pressed it for a little bit, she insisted nothing. Explained why I was and it was really ****ty she was being that way. Pressed some more told her we don't need the stress etc., she started crying, not full on but tears in the eyes. Still wouldn't say anything, the auora in the air was that it was over. I just kept thinking this is where I need to man up and just take off and say it's not working for me and obviously not her.
We sat in awkward silence for a little while. She asked me "what?" at one point because I was just looking at her trying to think of something to say. I said "I can't say anything?" she asked what I was talking about, I said well it's pretty obvious you want to break up with me. She insisted this wasn't true and apologized for her behavior. We went out to her car and she was really apologetic and asked me if everything was alright because she could tell it still bugged me.
We went back inside, had sex. Left this morning thinking everything was cool. Texted her about an hour before she left work , no response yet(3 hours ago). Not freaking out over that yet.But this ****s ****ed up. Definitley seemed like she wanted to break it off or was REALLY guilty about something(I'm sure we all know what). I know I should've just manned up when she was tearing up and broke it off.....damn
BadNews
Senior Don Juan
You're SUUUUUUPER needy dude. No wonder she's distancing herself. BACK THE FVCK OFF! Why must your life revolve around this woman and everything she does/doesn't do, says/doesnt say? You text her "goodnight" and other crap throughout the day? You call her if she doesnt answer one of your texts? You talk about your feelings and you've only known her for 3 months?! THAT is AFC. You should still be in the 'everything we do is super fun, I can't fvcking believe it' stage of the relationship. You really need to get yourself under control here bud. STOP texting her all day. If she texts you..WAIT a while then respond. If she doesnt answer one of your calls or texts...LET HER GET BACK TO YOU...dont text/call her a million times till she FINALLY responds, and then its just damn awkward.
Grab your balls and be the MAN in this relationship before she kicks your ass to the curb for good.
Grab your balls and be the MAN in this relationship before she kicks your ass to the curb for good.
Youre right. Such a vicious cycle I'm getting myself in. I don't constantly text between, I'm at least good there, but that doesn't really matter because everything else is true.
Shouldn't of sent that AFC text earlier after everything went good yesterday but I can only go forward from here. IDK I keep trying to, everytime I do get my **** straight and she comes back I end up slowly smothering again, like my unneeded text earlier.
IDK I do need to just man up and actually stick with it for once. I can do it I just keep caving.
Shouldn't of sent that AFC text earlier after everything went good yesterday but I can only go forward from here. IDK I keep trying to, everytime I do get my **** straight and she comes back I end up slowly smothering again, like my unneeded text earlier.
IDK I do need to just man up and actually stick with it for once. I can do it I just keep caving.
joverby,
You like a lot of guys myself included. I'm the king of screwing up relationships/potential relationships because of needy behavior.
The problem is that in life we learn that you need to be persistent and that if you fight hard enough you'll get what you want. This is true for a lot of things but when it comes to women it's almost the exact opposite.
The more you fight the more you push them away.
It's like this
M = You
F = Her
At the beginning
----------------------------M----F-----------------------------
After a month
-----------------------------------M----F----------------------
Aftter two months
--------------------------------------------M---------F--------
Where you are now
--------------------------------------------------M------------ F
You ideally want to be here
---------M---F------------------------------------------------
Just think of it like this the more you say no the more attractive you are to her to a point. (You can't always say no because she'll eventually get fed up)
When a girl acts distant and secretive she's already involved with some other guy.
The only option that works is to walk away. You don't tell her you are doing it because by telling her it means you are trying to gauge her opinion when her opinion about you not giving a damn should be the least of your cocnerns.
Confronting, letters, or any act that gives women attention they don't deserve is a losing/failing proposition, because you are granting them what they want for bad behavior.
Confronting can be effective but when you attack you lose unless you can attack with panache and be witty/charming and able to get your point across without coming across like a *****.
Use this as a lesson as to why needy behavior kills attraction.
If you were to have a complete personality makeover tomorrow you could get her back but the thing is if you now try to act aloof it will come across as contrived.
It works only when you actually forget and stop caring and by then there will be someone else and the past will not be of interest to you.
You need to do the oppositve of what you currently feel until you can make good decisions. The other rule is that when you feel your fight or flght response kick in you need to wait and not get antsy and call/text or make contact. You will kill relationships faster than anything else by acting on the crazy romantic gestures poping in your head to woo a woman. They are the enemy.
Slow everything down and recognize that why men take action they should not take frenzied action but cool calm and rational decisions.
Once you can do that you can open up adrenaline junky and go for it, but not until you can make well thought out and wise decisions.
Don't let your emotions control you.
You like a lot of guys myself included. I'm the king of screwing up relationships/potential relationships because of needy behavior.
The problem is that in life we learn that you need to be persistent and that if you fight hard enough you'll get what you want. This is true for a lot of things but when it comes to women it's almost the exact opposite.
The more you fight the more you push them away.
It's like this
M = You
F = Her
At the beginning
----------------------------M----F-----------------------------
After a month
-----------------------------------M----F----------------------
Aftter two months
--------------------------------------------M---------F--------
Where you are now
--------------------------------------------------M------------ F
You ideally want to be here
---------M---F------------------------------------------------
Just think of it like this the more you say no the more attractive you are to her to a point. (You can't always say no because she'll eventually get fed up)
When a girl acts distant and secretive she's already involved with some other guy.
The only option that works is to walk away. You don't tell her you are doing it because by telling her it means you are trying to gauge her opinion when her opinion about you not giving a damn should be the least of your cocnerns.
Confronting, letters, or any act that gives women attention they don't deserve is a losing/failing proposition, because you are granting them what they want for bad behavior.
Confronting can be effective but when you attack you lose unless you can attack with panache and be witty/charming and able to get your point across without coming across like a *****.
Use this as a lesson as to why needy behavior kills attraction.
If you were to have a complete personality makeover tomorrow you could get her back but the thing is if you now try to act aloof it will come across as contrived.
It works only when you actually forget and stop caring and by then there will be someone else and the past will not be of interest to you.
You need to do the oppositve of what you currently feel until you can make good decisions. The other rule is that when you feel your fight or flght response kick in you need to wait and not get antsy and call/text or make contact. You will kill relationships faster than anything else by acting on the crazy romantic gestures poping in your head to woo a woman. They are the enemy.
Slow everything down and recognize that why men take action they should not take frenzied action but cool calm and rational decisions.
Once you can do that you can open up adrenaline junky and go for it, but not until you can make well thought out and wise decisions.
Don't let your emotions control you.
Damn dude, that is probably the best advice I've received here. Others have pretty much said that, you just articulated much better.
Ya, it really felt like it was over but she was still confused and/or just felt really bad about it.
IDK, at this point you think I should just stop talking to her? It sucks because we do have a lot in common w/ personality & humor. I'm sure that's why she's stuck around through this much smothering in the first place.
I can make myself walk away but I know it will be hard if/when she contacts me.
Ya, it really felt like it was over but she was still confused and/or just felt really bad about it.
IDK, at this point you think I should just stop talking to her? It sucks because we do have a lot in common w/ personality & humor. I'm sure that's why she's stuck around through this much smothering in the first place.
I can make myself walk away but I know it will be hard if/when she contacts me.
I maintained no contact yesterday, this morning I saw she texted me last night. Just a "hope you had a good night, talk to you tomorrow."
I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do, just going to keep distant and not think about it.
I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do, just going to keep distant and not think about it.
BadNews
Senior Don Juan
I think the idea is NOT to go no-contact (thats what you do when you want to break up with someone). The idea is to PUSH/PULL. Give her attention...then BUSY YOURSELF with other things, and give her a little less attention. The trick is to make sure you actually have other things going on to keep you occupied..otherwise you WILL feel antsy..and might cave into your AFC ways. CREATE AN INTERESTING/BUSY LIFE FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF THIS WOMAN!
Generally..early in a relationship I think it is always a good idea to keep things light/fun/interesting. Dont get too mushy mushy, talky talky, clingy clingy about feelings and crap. If she brings a topic up (about feelings/where you guys are in the relationship), give her a little bit..but dont spill all the damn beans. Calling/texting her every now and then is fine...but you must control your output...you dont want to push her away. If you STOP calling/texting all together, she may just think you're no longer interested and move on. PUSH/PULL. Dont give her too much, but keep her interest level there..and let her know yours is still there as well.
Smothering her with attention, getting too invested in the relationship, and giving too much information about how you feel (about her/relationship) is a recipie for disaster with fresh relationships.
I'll say it again CREATE AN INTERESTING/BUSY LIFE FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF THIS WOMAN! THIS will help you create a NATURAL push/pull with her.
Generally..early in a relationship I think it is always a good idea to keep things light/fun/interesting. Dont get too mushy mushy, talky talky, clingy clingy about feelings and crap. If she brings a topic up (about feelings/where you guys are in the relationship), give her a little bit..but dont spill all the damn beans. Calling/texting her every now and then is fine...but you must control your output...you dont want to push her away. If you STOP calling/texting all together, she may just think you're no longer interested and move on. PUSH/PULL. Dont give her too much, but keep her interest level there..and let her know yours is still there as well.
Smothering her with attention, getting too invested in the relationship, and giving too much information about how you feel (about her/relationship) is a recipie for disaster with fresh relationships.
I'll say it again CREATE AN INTERESTING/BUSY LIFE FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF THIS WOMAN! THIS will help you create a NATURAL push/pull with her.
You're right. As mahoney said way earlier too, just replacing one extreme with another isn't good. I need to quit fixating on how I was an just move forward anew.
We were talking about going to six flags soon a little while ago, I'll call her after work and see if she wants to go later this week. Thanks for snapping me out of it again Bad. I was actually thinking about that earlier too.
We were talking about going to six flags soon a little while ago, I'll call her after work and see if she wants to go later this week. Thanks for snapping me out of it again Bad. I was actually thinking about that earlier too.
BadNews
Senior Don Juan
I'll say one more thing. VERY VERY VERY often...we think TOO much about stupid crap. I am a firm believer in 'going with the flow'...and 'letting things play out'.
BUT...NODODY goes canoeing without a paddle right? Keep the 'rules' (paddle) in the back of your mind...and use them to HELP GUIDE you down the river. Don't use the 'rules' to dictate where you're going...because in the end its far easier to just let the river take you where it will. Use them to simply help you navigate down the river and avoid the perilous rocks that would sink you to the bottom.
So...go with the flow my friend. If something feels right...**** what the rules say, just go with it. BUT, always remember you have 'tools' you can use to help you, and sometimes you better damn well use them to avoid ****ty situations. Go with your gut. If the thought pops into your head "maybe I SHOULDNT send this text" then dont send the damn text. If the thought pops into your head "**** it, I'm gonna send this text" then send it. Dont attempt to do everything by the book...because it wont be natural. JUST DONT FORGET THERE ARE RULES (GUIDLINES) THAT CAN/WILL HELP YOU.
Don't over-think things. Go with the flow...but keep the rules/guidelines in the back of your mind to help you out.
BUT...NODODY goes canoeing without a paddle right? Keep the 'rules' (paddle) in the back of your mind...and use them to HELP GUIDE you down the river. Don't use the 'rules' to dictate where you're going...because in the end its far easier to just let the river take you where it will. Use them to simply help you navigate down the river and avoid the perilous rocks that would sink you to the bottom.
So...go with the flow my friend. If something feels right...**** what the rules say, just go with it. BUT, always remember you have 'tools' you can use to help you, and sometimes you better damn well use them to avoid ****ty situations. Go with your gut. If the thought pops into your head "maybe I SHOULDNT send this text" then dont send the damn text. If the thought pops into your head "**** it, I'm gonna send this text" then send it. Dont attempt to do everything by the book...because it wont be natural. JUST DONT FORGET THERE ARE RULES (GUIDLINES) THAT CAN/WILL HELP YOU.
Don't over-think things. Go with the flow...but keep the rules/guidelines in the back of your mind to help you out.
Contact has been very low the past few days, the other day. I just called her once after work, she was shopping with a friend so I made it short.
Yesterday, no contact from either of us ( I was waiting till I got done with work). I call her at like 9PM , no answer. She texts me back at like 12AM. Saying "IDK why we haven't been talking much lately, I hope you've been alright :/ ...gnight"
I called her like 3 minutes after that, no answer. I sent her a text after saying I was thinking the same and that we should chill soon and told her goodnight.
She didn't reply to that but then again i didn't ask a question.
So it's def pretty obvious to me (even more so now). She acts like she has no control over whether or not we talk to eachother, and when I do make efforts she just ignores them.
So it's clear I need to FINALLY break it off with her(since she refuses to). The only problem I'm having is how to do it? Like if I should call her out on **** or just take the high road. I also would really like to try to get laid one last time if possible.
Last time we chilled (like 4 days ago) something was bugging her later in the nihgt, she wouldn't say why. I pressed, she ended up getting tears in her eyes (seemed like a verge of break up moment). She apologized a few times, insisted it wasn't about me, we had sex later that night. So I hope that wasn't the break up sex.
Yesterday, no contact from either of us ( I was waiting till I got done with work). I call her at like 9PM , no answer. She texts me back at like 12AM. Saying "IDK why we haven't been talking much lately, I hope you've been alright :/ ...gnight"
I called her like 3 minutes after that, no answer. I sent her a text after saying I was thinking the same and that we should chill soon and told her goodnight.
She didn't reply to that but then again i didn't ask a question.
So it's def pretty obvious to me (even more so now). She acts like she has no control over whether or not we talk to eachother, and when I do make efforts she just ignores them.
So it's clear I need to FINALLY break it off with her(since she refuses to). The only problem I'm having is how to do it? Like if I should call her out on **** or just take the high road. I also would really like to try to get laid one last time if possible.
Last time we chilled (like 4 days ago) something was bugging her later in the nihgt, she wouldn't say why. I pressed, she ended up getting tears in her eyes (seemed like a verge of break up moment). She apologized a few times, insisted it wasn't about me, we had sex later that night. So I hope that wasn't the break up sex.
Thanks for taking the time for the advice. I did learn something (that I didn't remember from my last serious relationship) I need to take the **** slow, as soon as her IL peaks it made mine go even higher and start wanting to spend every second with her, which makes me less interesting.
The only problem I have with dicussing it with her is that I'm sure she knows what she's doing and knows what I expect (because I said something to her about it before)
And she sends that stupid ass text acting like she has no control or it's all up to me(even though I called her earlier). I think NC would be a good idea, since everytime she even gives me a little string along text I latch on and make myself look like a fool and tell her I miss her and **** when she clearly doesnt feel the same way.
I just have a feeling if I do NC I'm going to get another one of those stupid texts or possibly (doubtful) a call from her pretending to be stupid acting like she has no idea whats going on.
The only problem I have with dicussing it with her is that I'm sure she knows what she's doing and knows what I expect (because I said something to her about it before)
And she sends that stupid ass text acting like she has no control or it's all up to me(even though I called her earlier). I think NC would be a good idea, since everytime she even gives me a little string along text I latch on and make myself look like a fool and tell her I miss her and **** when she clearly doesnt feel the same way.
I just have a feeling if I do NC I'm going to get another one of those stupid texts or possibly (doubtful) a call from her pretending to be stupid acting like she has no idea whats going on.
stop focusing on the NC and focus more on being interesting (for yourself as much as for her or anyone else)
the problem here is dudes thinking NC in itself raises interest. it doesnt
you have to focus more on the content or quality of your contact more so than the frequency. I feel like you're still not really grasping that. If a dude is boring or needy then suddenly goes non-contact for a week, the girl doesn't suddenly think "oh im really missing those superboring needy texts"!
Don't focus on the amount of contact, focus on the quality of the contact
Remember this, the last contact you had with a girl is the contact most fresh in her memory. Think about that. Don't let it be something inane or dull
the problem here is dudes thinking NC in itself raises interest. it doesnt
you have to focus more on the content or quality of your contact more so than the frequency. I feel like you're still not really grasping that. If a dude is boring or needy then suddenly goes non-contact for a week, the girl doesn't suddenly think "oh im really missing those superboring needy texts"!
Don't focus on the amount of contact, focus on the quality of the contact
Remember this, the last contact you had with a girl is the contact most fresh in her memory. Think about that. Don't let it be something inane or dull
You're right, it would def only work if you were interesting before. Otherwise they wouldn't really give a ****.
I just don't get why she's got to string me along w/ texts like that acting like she cares when her actions show that she doesn't. Cause it really seemed like she did w/ that text and I jumped on it, probably just validating to her that she still has me wrapped around her finger so she just chose to ignore me after that.
IDK, I really wish it wasn't but the **** just seems so damaged. But your right about the NC, I don't think it would do anything for me here, except prolong it.
I just don't get why she's got to string me along w/ texts like that acting like she cares when her actions show that she doesn't. Cause it really seemed like she did w/ that text and I jumped on it, probably just validating to her that she still has me wrapped around her finger so she just chose to ignore me after that.
IDK, I really wish it wasn't but the **** just seems so damaged. But your right about the NC, I don't think it would do anything for me here, except prolong it.
IDK, I'm pretty sure she's banging this one dude. Think I'm finally at the point of being fed up with bull****, not sure how it took me this long. Probably because every time I got close she would give me something to latch onto and I would take it.
I would really like to break up w/ her and tell her off, but I know that wouldn't be very productive. Except to maybe get it off my chest, even thoughs he would deny everything.
So you reccommend NC to get over her, does that include just saying NC. And if she sends another one of those stupid texts or calls, just completely ignore it?
I just can't help but think that there is going to have to be an official "discussion" between us, saying ya it's over. Even though it clearly already has been for a little while now.
I would really like to break up w/ her and tell her off, but I know that wouldn't be very productive. Except to maybe get it off my chest, even thoughs he would deny everything.
So you reccommend NC to get over her, does that include just saying NC. And if she sends another one of those stupid texts or calls, just completely ignore it?
I just can't help but think that there is going to have to be an official "discussion" between us, saying ya it's over. Even though it clearly already has been for a little while now.
most of this 'bull****' is all cooked up in your own head. and as for these 'stupid texts', these are the ones you send.
You've made this massively more into a drama than it ever needed to be. and you are STILL talking about going non-contact. Stop being so intense and act more like a normal person
You need to stop swinging from one extreme to the other. First you send way too many texts, mostly not even knowing what the point of any of them is - and now you're talking about ignoring her texts. one extreme. the other extreme. normal fun easygoing people dont do this kind of thing.
Its not even clear what you want here. You want to break up with her...but it seems quite unclear why. You've put a massive pressure on this whole thing, overthinking and overimagining, and all for no discernable reason, and now you cant handle the pressure that you yourself created, your answer is to bail. i mean you were getting it, earlier in the thread, but then you seemed to lose it again, feelings of panic and wanting to escape the whole thing because you are too intense about it and can't relax
Here's a thought, instead of giving in to these two extremes, overcontact and escape - why not try something a little bit more in the middle? Maybe it won't save this particular thing, but it could be a learning experience for you and help you with the next one. Try this for the next month, and then post a thread about it at the end. it'll be a learning experience
1) No discussion, no breakup, no drama
2) Don't send any texts unless its a) to arrange to meet up
3) DO reply to her texts, in a normal way, dont try any games, you're not up to it
Would it hurt to try the above out and learn a little something about Composure?
You've made this massively more into a drama than it ever needed to be. and you are STILL talking about going non-contact. Stop being so intense and act more like a normal person
You need to stop swinging from one extreme to the other. First you send way too many texts, mostly not even knowing what the point of any of them is - and now you're talking about ignoring her texts. one extreme. the other extreme. normal fun easygoing people dont do this kind of thing.
Its not even clear what you want here. You want to break up with her...but it seems quite unclear why. You've put a massive pressure on this whole thing, overthinking and overimagining, and all for no discernable reason, and now you cant handle the pressure that you yourself created, your answer is to bail. i mean you were getting it, earlier in the thread, but then you seemed to lose it again, feelings of panic and wanting to escape the whole thing because you are too intense about it and can't relax
Here's a thought, instead of giving in to these two extremes, overcontact and escape - why not try something a little bit more in the middle? Maybe it won't save this particular thing, but it could be a learning experience for you and help you with the next one. Try this for the next month, and then post a thread about it at the end. it'll be a learning experience
1) No discussion, no breakup, no drama
2) Don't send any texts unless its a) to arrange to meet up
3) DO reply to her texts, in a normal way, dont try any games, you're not up to it
Would it hurt to try the above out and learn a little something about Composure?
No it wouldn't, thanks for knocking me back to reality again. I need to not take all the advice so seriously and just think about it all critically because I thinkt he guy HAS to be right.
I just hate the feeling of throwing myself at someone when it seems it's not mutual.
I just hate the feeling of throwing myself at someone when it seems it's not mutual.
Here's the deal for future reference. I agree with everyone else she's not interested in you save for the attention you give her (i.e ego boost you give her). You called her at 9PM she didn't answer then she texted you at 12 midnight told you goodnight and then you called herjoverby said:
You need to reccognize this as something you never do for a variety of reasons.
1) There is no reason to call so late unless it an emergency. There are exceptions but generally the girl should call you that late begging to come over not vice versa. Or if your game is tight enough you can make a call to "booty take out"
2) She didn't answer your call and responded with a text. Texting is low effort and non-confrontatitional. There's good reason why women text. They can be lazy and not get their **** called as easily.
3) She told you goodnight. You calling 3 minutes later is obscenely needy behavior. It basically signals to her you've been waiting all night for her contact, which pedestals her value and crushes yours and that your time isn't important while hers to you is like platinum.
The main problem is that you are thinking like a girl and get obsessive about details and analyzing every little thing trying to frame in a way that gives you hope.
Hope is waste of time and relationships aren't built on hope. Hope should be reserved for when you really need it.
Don't worry about having the conversation when she's clearly been brushing you off and she doesn't want to tell you she's not interested. Assume it's over (because it is) and go NC. Ignore her text/calls becuase she's bascialyl trying to keep you in tow as an orbiter/friend