When to back off the Alpha a little with a serious GF

[BeExcellent]

I just don't agree with this at all...in my experience interested women act interested especially in the beginning...

That's cool.

Not all women run after a man she likes with good morning texts, nudie pictures, convo initiation etc. However many do. Perhaps most do. I don't and I know other women who don't.

What high interest looks like can vary. For demure women who expect a man to initiate & lead this may look like low interest compared to all the good morning texts and contact initiation a man may get from "most" women.

Some women were taught that girls do not call boys. I realize my perspective is virtually opposite what many men expect and observe these days.

Call me old fashioned & traditional. Men should be busy doing man stuff. Personally I would never want to interject myself into a man's affairs at an inconvenient time so I wait for him to contact me. The man I see initiates contact 90% to 95% of the time. Even more than 18 months in. He has great natural frame and expects to be in charge. He is a busy high caliber man. He likes that he can reach out to me, get a response with no neediness whatsoever and finds it refreshing.

Better to stand out with a quietly assured confidence that sets one apart from the "Good Morning!!" (Pick me! Pick me!) crowd.

Women like this do act interested, but the interest presents itself differently. It is patient interest.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

And this was my problem... I didn't back off... But how do I back off when she has less time for me (time together), but still calls several times a day? It is like a lose-lose...

Just stop answering her calls. Taper it off; become more valuable by becoming a scarce resource. If she reduces her availability in the way you want, reduce your own availability in the way she wants.

You shouldn't be answering calls from her every day anyway; it's a recipe for unhealthy attachment and dependence - as you have found. If she's initiating contact regurlarly, you should be initiating getting together as regularly.

Once she starts asking why you're being 'distant', you just be honest that you're not happy with the arrangement. You're not interested in being her ghey bestie, or dial-a-shrink, you want to be her lover. If she's not interested in that, then she should just get in touch if and when she is. She'll appreciate the honesty if nothing else.

 

[Carpathian]

When I read the initial post, it seemed to me like the people involved had been seeing each other for at least a few months and possibly considered themselves heading towards a relationship. @Carpathian how long has it been that you have been dating?

I have been seeing her for six months - since the end of June. I was a beta beforehand and got dumped out of a two year LTR end of March for being too available, too helpful, too generous, too much into her. Her family loved me to bits and said they had never seen their mum love someone so much and be so happy. She dumped me anyway! That woman was also 48 and we were massively in love - or I thought we were - but she just ended it for apparently no reason and I believe my betaness was largely responsible. Boy that stung and I have learned the lessons.

Been seeing current GF as I say for six months. I am a lot harder to get, and I phone, text and communicate remotely a LOT less. But she has started to echo my behavior I think .... This could be because she knows - because I told her - that I am very busy, which as a doctor and surgeon I am. But when we are together we are fine, kiss, hold hands, great sex etc. Am I looking at a problem that does not exist? Maybe...

I am going to continue doing what I am currently doing. Beta "nice guy" definitely does not work despite what some of the well intended women here say. I don't think that women know themselves what they want or what they respond to. They just do not seem to respond well after a few months to nice guys who are generous and kind. They say they do, that this is the type of man they want, but time after time when guys are like that they get dumped for apparently no reason. These forums are full of such guys - myself included.

 

[sazc]

I have been seeing her for six months - since the end of June. I was a beta beforehand and got dumped out of a two year LTR end of March for being too available, too helpful, too generous, too much into her. Her family loved me to bits and said they had never seen their mum love someone so much and be so happy. She dumped me anyway! That woman was also 48 and we were massively in love - or I thought we were - but she just ended it for apparently no reason and I believe my betaness was largely responsible. Boy that stung and I have learned the lessons.

Been seeing current GF as I say for six months. I am a lot harder to get, and I phone, text and communicate remotely a LOT less. But she is started echoing my behavior I think .... However, this could be because she knows - because I told her - that I am very busy, which as a doctor and surgeon I am. But when we are together we are fine, kiss, hold hands, great sex etc. Am I looking at a problem that does not exist? Maybe...

My opinion is that you ask her if she feels it is a problem. As soon as she mentioned it I wold have said "are you comfortable with that? if not, let's talk about it"
You dont have to change your behavior based on what she says but you do need the insight into what she is thinking and how she is feeling about it, in case she is thinking or feeling a particular way.

As far as your previous LTR, I'm sorry to hear that. That female obviously wasnt ready to find a good man (sincerely)

 

[Carpathian]

My opinion is that you ask her if she feels it is a problem. As soon as she mentioned it I wold have said "are you comfortable with that? if not, let's talk about it"
You dont have to change your behavior based on what she says but you do need the insight into what she is thinking and how she is feeling about it, in case she is thinking or feeling a particular way.

As far as your previous LTR, I'm sorry to hear that. That female obviously wasnt ready to find a good man (sincerely)

I edited my post whilst your were responding sazc. I gotta go back to work now.

 

[sazc]

I edited my post whilst your were responding sazc. I gotta go back to work now.

I saw your edits. I dont disagree.

 

[BeTheChange]

Women become very indignant when trying to understand the male experience. This is due in most part to women’s innate solipsism and their presumption that their experience is the universal one. Part of this presumption is due to social reinforcement, but that social presumption – essentially the equalist presumption – is rooted in women’s base indifference to anything external that doesn’t affect them directly and personally. If everyone is essentially the same and equal, and we’re acculturated to encourage this perspective, it leaves women to interpret their imperatives and innate solipsism to be the normative for men.

So it often comes with a lot shock and indignation (which women instinctively crave) when women are forced, sometimes rudely, to acknowledge that men’s experience doesn’t reflect their own. The reactive response is to force-fit men’s experience into women’s solipsistic interpretations of what it should be according to a feminine-primary perception of what works best for women. On an individual woman’s level this amounts to denial and rejection of a legitimate male-primary experience through shame or implied fem-centric obligations to accept and adopt her experience as his responsibility. On a social level this conflict is reflected in social conventions and feminine-centric social doctrines, as well as being written directly into binding laws that forcibly enact a feminine-centric perspective into our social fabric.

- Rollo Tomassi, The Rational Male

Bolded emphasis mine.

No surprise to see the usual suspects up the asses of the resident female sosuavers. They just can't get enough of that blue pill kool aid.

@Carpathian

Like every other piece of advice on this forum, weigh up its validity with your own experiences and the experiences of those around you.

I am going to continue doing what I am currently doing. Beta "nice guy" definitely does not work despite what some of the well intended women here say. I don't think that women know themselves what they want or what they respond to. They just do not seem to respond well after a few months to nice guys who are generous and kind. They say they do, that this is the type of man they want, but time after time when guys are like that they get dumped for apparently no reason. These forums are full of such guys - myself included.

I believe you already have your answer.

 

[BeExcellent]

You sure you're not just a f-buddy?

I like a little "clingy" in my women, personally, esp physically.

Rest assured that is not the case.

 

[wifehunter]

Rest assured that is not the case.

Family sqabble? Lol

 

[BeExcellent]

@wifehunter Not at all.

The OP is a busy surgeon. This actually explains a great deal. Medical professionals are insanely busy and have to concentrate firstly on their obligations as such.

This can mean unexpected long hours, interrupted private time, call, dealing with politics of the hospital or practice.

As a surgeon a man must screen for a woman who can take all these obligations as well as the social mantle of "the doctor" in stride. He needs a woman who gets it and whose interest isn't eroded over time by all the unexpected things that come up because come up they will.

My grandfather & my brother are physicians. I have many friends who are docs. You never want a woman who is with you for the supposed status of "the doctor" part. You need a woman who deeply understands your career obligations and who can support you no matter what.

Perhaps the OP's girlfriend is struggling at times with whether or not she is a priority and how she fits into OPs life. It's up to OP to keep leading and show her where she fits in his life. She will have to get on board with whatever works for OP. As long as OP leads & communicates this should work itself out.

Few people truly understand how demanding the physician's life is. There is a reason they often end up with other medical professionals.

 

[sazc]

Guess false if there is a 100% modifier: 100-percent modifiers are the absolutes, meaning that they are the extremes and no exceptions are allowed. Few things happen, or exist without exceptions. i. Examples of modifiers: all, every, only, always, absolutely, everyone, everybody, best, none, never, no one, nobody, worst, least, fewest, or any adjective that ends in est, which means “the most” (i.e. largest)

By definition, if you espouse the 'all men' or 'all women' ideals, you are wrong.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

If I could figure out a way to profitably mine self-delusion from the Internet I could buy out George Soros.

 

[BeTheChange]

Guess false if there is a 100% modifier: 100-percent modifiers are the absolutes, meaning that they are the extremes and no exceptions are allowed. Few things happen, or exist without exceptions. i. Examples of modifiers: all, every, only, always, absolutely, everyone, everybody, best, none, never, no one, nobody, worst, least, fewest, or any adjective that ends in est, which means “the most” (i.e. largest)

By definition, if you espouse the 'all men' or 'all women' ideals, you are wrong.

Sounds like a long winded expression of "Not All Women Are Like That"....which is mostly redundant and means practically nothing.

 

[BeExcellent]

Look. At the end of the day if you are getting the results you want...Brilliant! Whatever you are doing is working.

If you aren't getting the desired result then do something else.

Interactions with other human beings are dynamic, not static. Trying to apply a static frame to a dynamic system is pure foolishness.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Trying to apply a static frame to a dynamic system is pure foolishness.

This could barely be closer to the truth. Specific situations warrant specific answers. But mostly, we have general enquiries herein, which is why general, grey scale answers are usually most warranted.

 

[sazc]

Sounds like a long winded expression of "Not All Women Are Like That"....which is mostly redundant and means practically nothing.

It's peer reviewed factual science - but of course you know better.....

 

[sazc]

This could barely be closer to the truth. Specific situations warrant specific answers. But mostly, we have general enquiries herein, which is why general, grey scale answers are usually most warranted.

unfortunately that is not what we see here, we see static replies to dynamic situations

 

[sazc]

And obscurantism is pointless.

then why do you persist in doing this?

 

[sazc]

You stick to your (mostly Marxist) "social sciences".

Any man that has approached over 100 women knows more than any social scientist ever will.

Do keep up with your armchair "facts" though.

what are you talking about you goober? it's peer reviewed science. the fact that you want to spew garbage words all around it doesnt negate it's validity

lol, do you seriously believe that you are smarter than an educated resercher?

Stay delusional Barney Fife

Hey, where's my link so I can see how bad a$$ you really are?

 

[sazc]

Yes.
How is this "educated researcher" been educated? How many approaches has that **** made?
Would like to see his disposition after. And £10 says he agrees with me, not you.
You really do have a cheek to be brazen enough to keep on pushing your pathetic frame.
What are you on about now? And why should I care?
Tits, or get the fvck out. Your value is non-existent.
What's this now? Orbiter game or something? I only put up with sh*t-tests from girls that I'm actually looking to have sex with. Guess this forum has been lowered somewhat.

"Some orbiter game" lol, next you'll be pulling the totally beta move of calling me 'attention seeking'.
You do realize how utterly ridiculous you continue to sound, dont you?
you're such a BMOC? lol, ever heard the phrase 'put up or shut up'? I want to see how manly you are Barney Fife, show me what I am missing! LOL
You wont, lol, you'll just continue to spew BS cliches like you always do.. 'tits or get the fvck out' lol, whatever, it's all smoke and mirrors across the pond, isn't it mate?
Later Barney!