When She Goes Cold (but you did everything right)

[bigneil]

Here is a subject that is in no man's land. When you do everything right but she still vanishes.

Have you ever had a girl you had several dates with, had sex with (not in a commitment) and you did everything perfectly and you had her totally in love with you, and then, seemingly at random, she vanished or went cold? Did you ever get that gut feeling that something changed, and sure enough it came to pass?

In that case, it's not that we acted needy or desperate (yet! but they are often testing us here). It's not that she wasn't feeling attraction. It's often simply "out of sight out of mind" phenomenon coupled with her seeing someone else. Again, this is a case where there was no commitment so you can't say she wronged you, and you can't demand a commitment, especially then.

This is the delicate grey area that I've found nearly all relationships hit at some point.

We reach a point where they are clearly (relatively) resisting us, and it feels like a crisis. Everyone will tell us "if she loved you, she'd text every 2 hours", etc. so we know something is wrong in that moment. We often become desperate here and do something to ruin it (and fail her test), but I've found that if we simply do nothing (hold on loosely) and can wait a few weeks, that 1-2 months later we find everything is almost exactly the way it used to be. But if we panic and try to force things, it is guaranteed rejection every single time. Corey Wayne says this situation almost always means someone else is in the picture and not to take it personally, that they likely will return if we keep things open.

Have you ever had this scenario and did you manage to make it work?

 

[SteR]

Well one thing I have realised over the years: It's not all about you. You can do everything 'right' but sometimes people have other things going on in their life.

It can sometimes just be a case of right place, wrong time..

 

[bigneil]

Well one thing I have realised over the years: It's not all about you. You can do everything 'right' but sometimes people have other things going on in their life.

It can sometimes just be a case of right place, wrong time..

Everyone has their oneitis who didn't call them back. When she's dating you and that person calls, they vanish with them. But that person will likely hurt them again so sit tight. And they will use this opportunity to thoroughly test us. If we pass, her interest level ticks up and might even be higher than it was when she was with you. Then you have great makeup sex.

Think about it, when you're with your backup plan and your love texts, don't you want to drop the backup plan, even if (years later you often know) the backup was a better option (who you often later fell for)?

When we meet hot girls, we always start out as their backup plan. It takes 2-3 months to percolate up.

 

[marmel75]

Sometimes things just don't work. There is no one size fits all approach, you can only play the percentages. What works with 70% of women might not work with the other 30%. Short of tailoring your methods to each Individual woman there isn't much to be done.

Chalk it up to the game and move on.

 

[bigneil]

Sometimes things just don't work. There is no one size fits all approach, you can only play the percentages. What works with 70% of women might not work with the other 30%. Short of tailoring your methods to each Individual woman there isn't much to be done.

Chalk it up to the game and move on.

This is true and a good approach when you get their number and nothing works out. But once you've had a romance, it's the wrong attitude. It suggests that we either follow a straight, linear path to commitment, without resistance, or "it didn't work, move on" (it's over forever). It's been my experience that you pick up where you left off with women once they return, and they almost always do, unless you fail her test by demanding things at the point of resistance. The Art of Seduction says resistance is not only inevitable, but overall a good thing as it increases tension (see makeup sex).

 

[bigneil]

Looking back at my last 7 notable relationships:

1) 10/2008 - 1/2009 (owned her), 2/2009 (got dumped and handled it wrong), 5/2009 - 10/2010 (owned her and was bored). She was older than me and is now over 50. At my disposal.

2) 11/2010 - 1/2011 (almost got her, had sex) 1/2011 (got dumped and handled it WAY wrong). 2/2011 - 4/2011 (she returned but I had ruined her attraction). Now a single mom writing to me every day on FB. At my disposal.

3) 7/2011 (One night stand with girl), 7/2011 (she cancelled our 2nd date and went back to husband), 8/2011- 11/2011 (she texted one night, then I owned her and had to dump her and she begged me not to). At my disposal.

4) 10/2011 - 12/2011 (lukewarm texting, then fantastic sex), 1/2012 - 4/2012 (owned her), 4/2012 (got dumped in historic fashion). 8/2012 - 6/2014 (had her at my disposal but she had gained weight). She got married and I didn't care.

5) 5/2014 - 6/2014 (love at first sight romance), 6/2014-8/2014 (avoided her and didn't call her), 8/2014 - 12/2014 (owned her), 1/2015 - 7/2015 (didn't see her, LDR), 7/2015 - 11/2015 (owned her) 11/2015 - relationship ended mutually. She reached out on FB yesterday. Age 21 and possibly at my disposal.

6) 12/2015 - 1/2015 (owned her), 2/2015 (she went MIA), 2/2015 - 3/2015 (she came back but I was no longer attracted and ended it). Now lives out of state and single mom.

7) 8/2016 - 12/2016 (owned her), 12/2016 (first resistance met yesterday). Move on?

 

[Glassguy]

Here is a subject that is in no man's land. When you do everything right but she still vanishes.

Have you ever had a girl you had several dates with, had sex with (not in a commitment) and you did everything perfectly and you had her totally in love with you, and then, seemingly at random, she vanished or went cold? Did you ever get that gut feeling that something changed, and sure enough it came to pass?

In that case, it's not that we acted needy or desperate (yet! but they are often testing us here). It's not that she wasn't feeling attraction. It's often simply "out of sight out of mind" phenomenon coupled with her seeing someone else. Again, this is a case where there was no commitment so you can't say she wronged you, and you can't demand a commitment, especially then.

This is the delicate grey area that I've found nearly all relationships hit at some point.

We reach a point where they are clearly (relatively) resisting us, and it feels like a crisis. Everyone will tell us "if she loved you, she'd text every 2 hours", etc. so we know something is wrong in that moment. We often become desperate here and do something to ruin it (and fail her test), but I've found that if we simply do nothing (hold on loosely) and can wait a few weeks, that 1-2 months later we find everything is almost exactly the way it used to be. But if we panic and try to force things, it is guaranteed rejection every single time. Corey Wayne says this situation almost always means someone else is in the picture and not to take it personally, that they likely will return if we keep things open.

Have you ever had this scenario and did you manage to make it work?

Dont take this the wrong way, but I highly doubt that she was "in love" with you or that you had her on a string.

A great friend of mine told me something that really stuck with me a few years ago:

"A woman can fall in and out of love overnight".

It is very true, as they are driven by emotions, and emotions can change almost instantly. Normally it is another guy in the picture, or numerous other reasons.

The fact remains that she went ghost and there is no point in wasting time and energy trying to find out why.

 

[bigneil]

I referred to "in love" in my generic description but that meant that she told you she loved you and proved it in some way, over several weeks or months.

We definitely have to walk away in that situation, but history shows about an 80% chance that girls will reach out to you at some point, especially if you satisfied them in bed and didn't whine when she canceled on you.

 

[Trump]

Here is a subject that is in no man's land. When you do everything right but she still vanishes.

There is no such thing as "everything right" with a girl. Once you think this way you've already lost the game. Do what you are going to do, she comes along for the ride.

Have you ever had a girl you had several dates with, had sex with (not in a commitment) and you did everything perfectly and you had her totally in love with you, and then, seemingly at random, she vanished or went cold? Did you ever get that gut feeling that something changed, and sure enough it came to pass?

Again bro, you are assuming. She is totally in love with you at that moment. She will fall out of love DURING the date if a Hollywood Director at the next table discovers her and makes her rich and famous. She has nothing to lose by falling out of love with you if something better comes along.

In that case, it's not that we acted needy or desperate (yet! but they are often testing us here). It's not that she wasn't feeling attraction. It's often simply "out of sight out of mind" phenomenon coupled with her seeing someone else. Again, this is a case where there was no commitment so you can't say she wronged you, and you can't demand a commitment, especially then.

This is the delicate grey area that I've found nearly all relationships hit at some point.

You just answered your own dilemma. "Coupled with her seeing someone else." You can't prevent that, you can only do what you are going to do and she comes along for the ride.

We reach a point where they are clearly (relatively) resisting us, and it feels like a crisis.

Come on bro, let's keep things in perspective. A "crisis" is a fanatic grabbing a truck and running over you and your family because of religious fundamentalism. Not some girl you are having sex with who has decides she is "bored" or needs new "excitement" in her life.

Everyone will tell us "if she loved you, she'd text every 2 hours", etc. so we know something is wrong in that moment. We often become desperate here and do something to ruin it (and fail her test), but I've found that if we simply do nothing (hold on loosely) and can wait a few weeks, that 1-2 months later we find everything is almost exactly the way it used to be. But if we panic and try to force things, it is guaranteed rejection every single time. Corey Wayne says this situation almost always means someone else is in the picture and not to take it personally, that they likely will return if we keep things open.

Have you ever had this scenario and did you manage to make it work?

Guys, you don't "make anything work" with women. Again, do what you are going to do, she comes along.

I think a lot of guys run into trouble when they have sex with a girl they like, they try to overcompensate and be wonderful for the girl in order not to lose her. This type of behavior is troublesome because they are working to keep the girl happy instead of themselves.

Instead the guy should be wonderful for society and himself and let the girl see how valuable he is. The girl will never want to leave his side.

 

[bigneil]

"We must fall in order to rise"

For this reason I always embrace the pain of heartache. It almost always leads me to lose my appetite and I lose 10 lb.

By letting failure inspire me, I've been dumped all the way to the top.

 

[bigneil]

She will fall out of love DURING the date if a Hollywood Director at the next table discovers her and makes her rich and famous.

Point taken, but this isn't entirely true. Love is romance + time. You can be great, but you can't jump in and compensate for the time factor. Once a person has an emotional bond with someone, you can't just take them away that easily. See women with unattractive boyfriends for examples.

 

[bigneil]

Here's another definition of love, one that my police officer uncle (who was the stud of the family and married a rich 10) said:

"Love is the illusion that one c*nt is different than another".

 

[Mr. Kalikoat]

Thanks bigneil I needed to read this.

I'm in a situation now EXACTLY as described in your OP. Met this girl online, spoke to her for months, we had great and interesting conversations. Eventually we went on our first date, it was amazing, we really had good vibes and it seemed like this was a sure deal.

2 weeks later and she's gone almost completely cold. She started to text me less, her replies are shorter and less enthusiastic, she doesn't talk to me on Skype anymore and whenever I tried to set up the 2nd date she said she was busy this month but she'd let me know when she has time.

I went ghost on her and I was about to delete her from all my contact lists out of anger/frustration, but I guess I won't do the latter, not yet at least.


Not gonna lie, it hurts like a ***** though. I guess that just means I got a classic case of "oneitis". I know I should be spinning more plates but right now I don't feel like spinning any plates at all... I guess I'll just focus on improving myself and the upcoming holidays for now.

 

[Mr. Kalikoat]

Well one thing I have realised over the years: It's not all about you. You can do everything 'right' but sometimes people have other things going on in their life.

It can sometimes just be a case of right place, wrong time..

Also very true.

Thanks guys. Over the last week I was putting everything I ever knew about game and about women to question because of the situation I'm in (doing everything right yet the girl out of the blue going cold) but reading this thread makes me feel a bit better and less confused.

 

[Mr. Kalikoat]

Everyone has their oneitis who didn't call them back. When she's dating you and that person calls, they vanish with them. But that person will likely hurt them again so sit tight. And they will use this opportunity to thoroughly test us. If we pass, her interest level ticks up and might even be higher than it was when she was with you. Then you have great makeup sex.

Think about it, when you're with your backup plan and your love texts, don't you want to drop the backup plan, even if (years later you often know) the backup was a better option (who you often later fell for)?

When we meet hot girls, we always start out as their backup plan. It takes 2-3 months to percolate up.

Sounds about right. And sounds like that's probably going on with my date right now. I know her ex contacted her again at the end of our date. I was annoyed but didn't think any of it because he's a sour, fat, deadbeat loser on wellfare who just can't let her go even though she's trying to move on. Big mistake on my part probably, because shortly after that she went cold on me.

We'll see if she returns, but I'm not gonna wait for her.

 

[bigneil]

Sounds about right. And sounds like that's probably going on with my date right now. I know her ex contacted her again at the end of our date. I was annoyed but didn't think any of it because he's a sour, fat, deadbeat loser on wellfare who just can't let her go even though she's trying to move on. Big mistake on my part probably, because shortly after that she went cold on me.

We'll see if she returns, but I'm not gonna wait for her.

Always think big picture. Seeing her this week is probably out, seeing her this month is still likely. Seeing her this next year is almost guaranteed. Be sure to look your best when that happens. Be sure to improve in the meantime. I hired a physical trainer and my abs and jaw feel sore today (exactly where I gain weight in the winter).

My last real relationship (18 months) just came back into my life after 13 months away. So did my oneitis from 2011 who (get this) apologized for being so mean years ago. I accept their apologies. Now, when things ended with either, it would have been 100% impossible for me to change their minds. But over the long run, there is a reason these girls liked us. They didn't ultimately choose us out of hundreds of options by accident. Over time, the fantastical delusions about other men that preoccupy them at times fade back to reality and we end up close to their ideal again.

Right now I'm observing the phenomenon of how I can text 4 girls, have 3 write back and want to go out tonight, but be totally depressed over the fourth one not responding. But it only proves that women can flake on the best of us.

 

[Denny19]

Thanks bigneil I needed to read this.

I'm in a situation now EXACTLY as described in your OP. Met this girl online, spoke to her for months, we had great and interesting conversations. Eventually we went on our first date, it was amazing, we really had good vibes and it seemed like this was a sure deal.

2 weeks later and she's gone almost completely cold. She started to text me less, her replies are shorter and less enthusiastic, she doesn't talk to me on Skype anymore and whenever I tried to set up the 2nd date she said she was busy this month but she'd let me know when she has time.

I went ghost on her and I was about to delete her from all my contact lists out of anger/frustration, but I guess I won't do the latter, not yet at least.


Not gonna lie, it hurts like a ***** though. I guess that just means I got a classic case of "oneitis". I know I should be spinning more plates but right now I don't feel like spinning any plates at all... I guess I'll just focus on improving myself and the upcoming holidays for now.

something very similar happened to me a few months back. I met this girl that i was introduced to by my salsa instructor. We hit it off that night, we danced, had a great time....to the point where my salsa instructor saw me later that night and said "my friend really likes you". we exchanged numbers that night, we went out 2 days later, had a great time....kissed after 1st date. The next week or so she appears to get a little flakey, then as i backed off, she texted me and offered second date. We had a great time on second date, again ended with a kiss. Then she got a little distant, i did not chase at all, just sat back. She then reached out and said she may go to the dance place (same place we met) that night, i told her i would save her dance and she replied with a smiley face. And that was the last i heard from her...this was back in august. She sent me a FB post for my bday in october, but i did nothing about it.

Bottom line is i can not point to anywhere in the time that i met her that i did anything wrong. i have no explanation for her distance except the fact that she is very very pretty and maybe was trying to get me to chase her....but if that was her plan, it back fired because I never did, however i did show her i was interested. But i have enough self respect to never chase anybody.

So like you bro, i have no idea what happened. Especially since the last time i heard from her she was planning on meeting me. it is what it is...yes it sucks. I honestly still think about her, although i would get killed on here for admitting it, i do still think about her. But have remained strong and have done NOTHING. We'll see if she reaches out ever again, i doubt she will. But there is not much i can do.

 

[Denny19]

Always think big picture. Seeing her this week is probably out, seeing her this month is still likely. Seeing her this next year is almost guaranteed. Be sure to look your best when that happens. Be sure to improve in the meantime. I hired a physical trainer and my abs and jaw feel sore today (exactly where I gain weight in the winter).

My last real relationship (18 months) just came back into my life after 13 months away. So did my oneitis from 2011 who (get this) apologized for being so mean years ago. I accept their apologies. Now, when things ended with either, it would have been 100% impossible for me to change their minds. But over the long run, there is a reason these girls liked us. They didn't ultimately choose us out of hundreds of options by accident. Over time, the fantastical delusions about other men that preoccupy them at times fade back to reality and we end up close to their ideal again.

Right now I'm observing the phenomenon of how I can text 4 girls, have 3 write back and want to go out tonight, but be totally depressed over the fourth one not responding. But it only proves that women can flake on the best of us.

For me its been 4 months since i hears from oneitis. She actually FB posted happy birthday to me in October, but i don't count that. Last i heard from her she was planning on meeting me out if she got out of work early. She never showed and that was it. But i see your chips have been coming back after several months. what about women who don't have much experience with men and who seem too proud to reach out? do you think that eventually they will, especially if i did nothing wrong

 

[wifehunter]

When she goes cold, I go sub zero.

 

[bigneil]

For me its been 4 months since i hears from oneitis. She actually FB posted happy birthday to me in October, but i don't count that. Last i heard from her she was planning on meeting me out if she got out of work early. She never showed and that was it. But i see your chips have been coming back after several months. what about women who don't have much experience with men and who seem too proud to reach out? do you think that eventually they will, especially if i did nothing wrong

In one case, I had sent an ex a FB friend request (I unfriended her when we broke up 13 months ago). She PM'd Merry Christmas and I told her I always loved her. Then she texted me but I had deleted her number and I wrote "who is this?" and she was not pleased but started up a conversation. Ironically, the last text from her was the day after I met my favorite girl who this week went MIA for the first time. Another girl who I hadn't seen since I met her also reappeared last week.

I've noticed this strange pattern that way where some women (born 3 and 6 months apart) do not coexist in my life, but are supplementary. When one vanishes, the other appears, and vice versa.