when she gives the 'let's just be friends line'..

[azanon]

.........
What disturbs me is that, after 17 posts, no one has pointed out that there is a reason a woman will say this to you to begin with. Women don't normally just come out with these types of statements for no reason. They do it because they're getting a certain impression. .......

Is this any less disturbing that someone else (you, in this case) making his first post as if he's made 1000 here? What went wrong with your last handle?

 

[Xavian Parrish]

Is this any less disturbing that someone else (you, in this case) making his first post as if he's made 1000 here? What went wrong with your last handle?

Nothing. I'm just giving you my real name now. I was previously "Amante Silvestre".

Got a problem with it?

 

[azanon]

Nothing. I'm just giving you my real name now. I was previously "Amante Silvestre".

Got a problem with it?

I guess you can tell that I have a problem with people switching handles with no explanation but obviously posting as if they've been here for years.

As least you've given one now. I'd be dishonest if I didn't admit I'm not buying it.

.......

(edit response, 10 post limit) - No I believe that's your other handle. What I don't believe is your stated motive for switching.

..............

OK I'll defend you now. In discussing this with you, I just recognized one reason why I might want 2, 3 or 4 handles. My bad. My complaint is withdrawn.

 

[Xavian Parrish]

I guess you can tell that I have a problem with people switching handles with no explanation but obviously posting as if they've been here for years.

As least you've given one now. I'd be dishonest if I didn't admit I'm not buying it.

Ok, fine. Give me 3 numbers and I'll sign in under that handle and repeat them.

 

[Mr. Me]

Rollo, a very fine post.

 

[Xavian Parrish]

(edit response, 10 post limit) - No I believe that's your other handle. What I don't believe is your stated motive for switching.

Lol. So what do you want from me? A copy of my birth certificate? Will I have your permission to post under a new handle then?

I don't see what any of this has to do with the subject at hand anyway. If you have a problem with what I said, call me out on it.

 

[DJVladdy]

I notice so often we think about what we

"should" say
should've done
have to ACT like i feel "this way or that way"

This is us lying to ourselves. We are wondering what we should tell her, how we're supposed to respond... at the end of the day she still does not want you, but you want her. We just like to put a spin on it to feel better about ourselves.

I agree with Xavian: IF you are getting LJBF'd in the first place, then there's something fundamentally wrong with your game. THAT's what we should worry about, not what clever phrase to tell her as an attempt to trick her mind.

 

[pete101]

Women have used the LJBF rejection for a hundred years because it serves an ego preservation function for her. To a greater or lesser degree, women require attention and the more they have of it the more affirmation they experience, both personally and socially. The LJBF rejection is a social convention that has classically ensured a woman can reject a man yet still maintain his previous attention. It also puts the responsibility for the rejection back on his shoulders since, should he decline the 'offer of friendship', he is then responsible for entertaining this 'friendship'.

This of course has the potential to backfire on women these days since the standard AFC will accept an LJBF rejection in the mistaken hope of 'proving' himself worthy of her intimacy by being the perfect 'surrogate boyfriend' - fulfiling all her attention and loyalty prerequisites with no expectation of reciprocating her own intimacy.

The LJBF rejection also serves as an ego preservation for her in that having offered the false olive branch of 'friendship' to him in her rejection she can also sleep that night knowing that she (and any of her peers) wont think any less of herself. Afterall, she offered to be friends, right? She is excused from any feelings of personal guilt or any responsibilities for his feelings if she still wants to remain amiable with him.

I think the default response should be to take the LJBF as what it is - as a rejection (and her loss) ergo, you remove the reinforcer - attention. Up until the point you made an approach for her intimacy she was enjoying the benefit of your attentions. After an LJBF response her latent intent is to keep that reinforcer of attention. Do not reward her for this disingenuous response, she will only use it on you again or with another guy in a similar situation since it was reinforced the last time this circumstance was experienced. And should the next fellow reinforce it further she will internalize this as her standard response.

Obviously the best way to enact this is to do what you did; use a takeaway and turn down her LJBF. An outright refusal of her psuedo-friendship offer would be ideal, but not always possible given social settings, however a takeaway is always warranted. The problem I see with doubting her intent with the LJBF is that, most women, whether serious or not in their LJBF rejection, will almost always follow up with some kind of communication when you do remove your previous attentions. This was a previous reinforcer to her and like most animals when faced with a behavioral extinction, she will attempt to re-establish that reward. This is why if you do end up cutting all contact with her she will have a tendency to pursue - and depending on the individual sometimes more actively pursue - your attention, even if she has no intent of becoming intimate with a guy. Women do this in an effort to maintain self-affirmation (i.e. she wants to verify everything is 'OK' between you and her in an email or IM) after a rejection.

The problem is when a guy begins to doubt her seriousness in her rejection when this occurs. We always read guys on this forum state that a fellow ought to "stick to his guns" in situations of rejection and this becomes more difficult when she confuses him with an unexpected burst of spontaneous attention. It's the stripper effect only more personal. Guys will spend small fortunes on lapdances at the strip club because it provides him with something he's not ordinarily accustomed to - spontaneous feminine attention. Similarly, when a woman does a follow up to a LJBF rejection after a takeaway the reaction is like that for men. Maybe she does actually like him afterall? Maybe he does have a shot with the stripper in his lap, she's giving him confusing signals in either instance.

so when she follows up with that affirmation contact to check if everything is ok what should you do?

ignore it? or just message her a few days later with something simple as 'yeah '

 

[kingman]

Her: Lets just be friends?

You : Do you mean sex friends? ( perfect line )

 

[pamebruno]

in my opinion the whole "let´s be friends" thing is not intelligent, you know? If you are still interested in beign a couple and you are still in love wuth her it´s going to be IMPOSSIBLE to stay friends. Whenever a break up happend you need to have your time appart from that person to heal and to put yourself together. Beign with this other person is just going to be painfull, and if she wants to stay as your friend she is just SELFISH. And that´s it!