When is it too much?

[Divorced w 3]

I hate to say this, but after thinking more on this and re-reading what you wrote, this has all the markings of a co-dependancy relationship.

I don’t really know what that is but don’t doubt whatsoever… that’s why I need to sit down, write and do some work on myself. Can you elaborate and define what you see as the roles

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I don’t really know what that is but don’t doubt whatsoever… that’s why I need to sit down, write and do some work on myself. Can you elaborate and define what you see as the roles

It means you become intertwined with each other to the point two people "need" each other instead of simply wanting to be with the other person.

It's a form of addiction.

You are heading down that pathway it seems like to an outsider looking in.

 

[Divorced w 3]

It means you become intertwined with each other to the point two people "need" each other instead of simply wanting to be with the other person.

It's a form of addiction.

You are heading down that pathway it seems like to an outsider looking in.

Can’t say I disagree and my boy just sent me a very long text to that effect.

 

[Giovanni SouthSide]

pull back a bit and let her miss you some

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Can’t say I disagree and my boy just sent me a very long text to that effect.

You said you won't be seeing her for a while right? This is where you can step back for a minute, get your bearings reset and come up with a plan to straighten this out.

She may not like it, but she needs it to happen the same way a 5 year old kid would eat an entire half gallon of ice cream if you let them.

I'd probably even sit down and talk to her once she got back. Nothing super serious but maybe even ask her something like "Do you think we have been spending too much time together?" and see what she says.

She may be thinking the same thing but is afraid to bring it up...or she may not and then you can explain how you don't want things to burn out too quickly because you actually see things progressing with her(or something to that effect...basically spin it in a way that makes her see that you are bringing it up because you like her and want it to last).

Either way this will give you a sense of where she is at because right now this is a runaway freight train without any brakes. Somebody HAS to be the brakes in a relationship.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Alright so just some updates. Monday afternoon she landed and I kept my replies to a handful. She wanted to FaceTime. I said I can’t I’m driving down the shore, weather is terrible, she send me a selfie.

I went to dinner with my boys who ripped me into shreds over the entire situation and said we’re glad you’re happy but this is going to end in disaster, you obviously are both in love with each other and you’re going way too fast. I feel good coming out. Then I drive back and she’s sent me a couple photos so I just keep it short and say looks like you’re having a great time.

following day: no rush to reply, more photos, just generic looks like you’re having fun type stuff. She calls me mid day and I get off the phone in two minutes. Much later that evening were texting and she FaceTimes me. Speak for about an hour. Tell her have fun at dinner with her coworker and we hang up.

yesterday I respond to a photo she took at dinner. Said looks great hope it was good. She goes it was so good! I see no reason to reply to that. 12 hours pass. She reached out, said she was back in her hotel room. I said hope you had a great day, but I disqualify and say I am at a work dinner. A handful of texts and I leave it off with her sending last text.

not planning on saying anything today, but also don’t want to straddle the line too hard on being obviously distant.

I haven’t logged into IG, read her messages or liked the photo or viewed whatever stories she has up there.

As AD said, I’m just trying to protect my heart.

added color: the bartender from last night and I flirted a bit, absolute smoke show I have written on her in the past. She made a point to come out of her way and say goodbye to me in the packed bar and she was leaving for the evening. This girl smiles and my pants just immediately fall off. I have a second thread going with the hot blonde from Saturday. She needs to give me my credit card back.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Alright so just some updates. Monday afternoon she landed and I kept my replies to a handful. She wanted to FaceTime. I said I can’t I’m driving down the shore, weather is terrible, she send me a selfie.

I went to dinner with my boys who ripped me into shreds over the entire situation and said we’re glad you’re happy but this is going to end in disaster, you obviously are both in love with each other and you’re going way too fast. I feel good coming out. Then I drive back and she’s sent me a couple photos so I just keep it short and say looks like you’re having a great time.

following day: no rush to reply, more photos, just generic looks like you’re having fun type stuff. She calls me mid day and I get off the phone in two minutes. Much later that evening were texting and she FaceTimes me. Speak for about an hour. Tell her have fun at dinner with her coworker and we hang up.

yesterday I respond to a photo she took at dinner. Said looks great hope it was good. She goes it was so good! I see no reason to reply to that. 12 hours pass. She reached out, said she was back in her hotel room. I said hope you had a great day, but I disqualify and say I am at a work dinner. A handful of texts and I leave it off with her sending last text.

not planning on saying anything today, but also don’t want to straddle the line too hard on being obviously distant.

I haven’t logged into IG, read her messages or liked the photo or viewed whatever stories she has up there.

As AD said, I’m just trying to protect my heart.

added color: the bartender from last night and I flirted a bit, absolute smoke show I have written on her in the past. She made a point to come out of her way and say goodbye to me in the packed bar and she was leaving for the evening. This girl smiles and my pants just immediately fall off. I have a second thread going with the hot blonde from Saturday. She needs to give me my credit card back.

So question...is this a typical type of thing for you? To basically go full steam ahead with relationships in this way?

Only reason I ask is every time I have heard someone say "I have to protect my heart" it's because they don't seem to have healthy relationships, because in healthy relationships there isn't really a need to protect yourself in that way because things progress at a pace that allows things to organically grow once there are deep roots in place rather than being forced to grow without deep enough roots.

It's like going skydiving with no parachute.

 

[Divorced w 3]

So question...is this a typical type of thing for you? To basically go full steam ahead with relationships in this way?

Only reason I ask is every time I have heard someone say "I have to protect my heart" it's because they don't seem to have healthy relationships, because in healthy relationships there isn't really a need to protect yourself in that way because things progress at a pace that allows things to organically grow once there are deep roots in place rather than being forced to grow without deep enough roots.

It's like going skydiving with no parachute.

I have no idea what my dating style is. I haven’t in over a decade. My friend did point out that I got in fast with my ex wife and obviously we know how that went. It’s probably in large part the way I grew up. I just need to slow down, etc obviously

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Word of warning contrary to popular opinion. Don't be so aloof that you come across like a cold fish. I've made this mistake before and got my fingers burned with a girl I quite liked.
If she's on business, keep the communication to a normal work day standard. You can't go from living in each others' pockets and 3hr face time to nothing. She will suspect game playing or worse. Strike a balance with everything you do. I would say the amount of communication and hanging out was probably excessive in and of itself. Depends on the normal every day distance between you.

 

[Murk]

Word of warning contrary to popular opinion. Don't be so aloof that you come across like a cold fish. I've made this mistake before and got my fingers burned with a girl I quite liked.
If she's on business, keep the communication to a normal work day standard. You can't go from living in each others' pockets and 3hr face time to nothing. She will suspect game playing or worse. Strike a balance with everything you do. I would say the amount of communication and hanging out was probably excessive in and of itself. Depends on the normal every day distance between you.

She's going to know something is up anyway, probably already does, no point slowly phasing out unhealthy obsessive behaviours. Humans have a great instinct on picking up on subtle differences in behaviour like this. Just set a new boundary/frame and stick to that. He's doing the right thing. If/when she asks "why the distance?" He will say something like "busier with work and I prefer having time to miss you rather than being too intense, I don't want this to burn out too soon". Sane women won't have an issue with that response.

You're suggesting she might suspect game playing, and advising him to play games? Nah, just be upfront with her and set a new frame, the sooner the better. Recalibrate and proceed.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Texted me this morning. I wrote her back, sent her a post workout selfie, sends me back a nude. We keep it light, I say I have to get to work. Silence for about 4 hours. I shoot her a quick emoji, she hits me back an hour later with a video of puppies. We chat briefly, all good and warm stuff and I mention I’m walking into a meeting. Going well

 

[Stanley]

To echo the other sentiments of this thread try and pull back and be objective and rational when you can. Don't become cold or aloof, but don't be overly available physically, sexually or emotionally. Also, distance does make the heart grow fonder.

I dislike when people preemptively try and get you to be suspicious of their partner, but being at least aware and a bit weary is good for saving your own ass.

I would encourage you to undertake a handful of questions for yourself about this girl with the intent of grounding.

You can look deeper into your own thoughts, feelings and actions in doing so. When I find myself becoming infatuated, oneitisy or over invested/outcome dependent I jump to some mental exercises to help remain level headed and not in my feelings. This is entirely in the vein of cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness. Also, openly journaling your thoughts not to dissimilar to what you do here on the board would be a great way to reflect and better understand yourself.

Also, consider looking at attachment theory and find where you align, might provide you some insight about your dating style. There are free tests you can take online.

As others have said some signs of codependency are present. However, high mutual interest can lead to these things and you both can be a little too 'into' each other. It is best to mutually slow the row of things, this would likely be beneficial for both of you. You are both undeniably infatuated with one another at this stage and that isn't odd, in fact i'd argue it is normal. That said, recognizing infatuation and lust for what is will only help you with the difference between them and love/compatibility.

The big signs of codependency to watch out for would be:
-People pleasing
-Grand gestures
-Love bombing
-Poor self esteem/self image
-Caretaking
-Excess dependency and neediness
-Manipulation

Also, be on your toes for Borderline Personality Disorder as it can rear its head in a similar way. Nothing worse then getting snared in a BPD's love trap only to have her leave you high and dry once you've been drained.

Otherwise if you genuinely dig this girl then i'd listen to your boys in the real world who know you well enough. They see things you don't without the inherent confirmation bias. I would bet they are trying to influence you in a good way and only have your best interest in mind. Sounds like you've got some good guys behind you looking out for ya.

Just don't do anything to self sabotage a potentially good thing

 

[Divorced w 3]

This weekend is off the table to see her - next week: Tuesday I probably could, Wednesday I could.

Next weekend I cannot.

The week following, (4/11) there are a few days that exist.

I have my kids the following weekend (4/15).

This month won’t offer a potential weekend until 4/25 (Friday).

in other words, I have a lot of built-in constraints.

Or to put it another way, let’s see how creative and accommodating she’s willing to get to make this happen.

planning on letting her ask when she can see me, explain the above, and see how it goes.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Man… boys laid into me again. They want her out, and mixed no words