When CURIOUSITY turns to INTEREST

[BigBadJon]

BGC's caller ID thread brought to light several interesting topics. It is obvious that the room is divided on the subject of getting around caller ID. Any more discussion about THAT would be a waste. We all know where we stand. I WOULD like to discuss another point that came to my mind while reading that thread.

It seems that there may be some confusion as to the state of a womans emotions during your introduction to her and prior to the first date.

See, to my way of thinking, MOST women will be CURIOUS about you upon giving you her number. INTEREST comes later. Let me explain.

I suppose the terms 'curiousity' and 'interest level' could be used interchangably to some extent, but I think there is a fine line between the two. But there IS a line. Maybe we could say CURIOUSITY is LOW INTEREST LEVEL or SLIGHT INTEREST LEVEL with the potential to become HIGH INTEREST LEVEL.

The way I see it, upon the initial meeting, the most you should hope to achieve is to pique her CURIOUSITY. You should gain just enough rapport to make a good impression and make her WONDER about the kind of possibilities the two of you may have. You could sit and talk to her for two hours trying to make her genuinely interested, but we all know that's not a good idea.

Ok, so assuming you made a favorable impression, she will go home and think about you. She ideally should not have too much personal info, and the little mouse wheels in her head should be turning WONDERING about what kind of person you are CURIOUS to find out by going on a date.

She may tell her friends, "I met this cute guy the other day, I hope he calls and asks me out."

I don't believe that in most cases ten minutes of conversation with a woman is enough time to create what I would consider INTEREST LEVEL. Ok, of course there will be some interest, but not enough that I would consider it to be INTEREST. At least not HIGH INTEREST. More like CURIOUSITY. Possibly VERY CURIOUS.

The first few dates should be used to create and heighten INTEREST LEVEL.

Only after a one-on-one date can INTEREST LEVEL begin to be established.

After your first couple of dates, she should be saying to her friends, "Such-n-such seems like a wondeful guy, I can see myself spending a lot of time with him".

So how does this tie in to the things we have been discussing? Unless there is genuine HIGH INTEREST, women will be VERY hesitant to break the unwritten unspoken rules society has imposed on them. Such as being the agressor in the beginning stages of a relationship. Just ask Juanita.

Ok, so none of the info in this post is groundbreaking. I simply choose to take a slightly pessimistic view of the way women perceive a man in the beginning.

Any thoughts?

 

[DJ de Florida]

BBJ,

I see it in these stages:

safety, initial interest, curiousity, long term-interest

1) safety

First, she has to get over the safety to be comfortable talking with you. If there is something odd in your appearance, voice, physical features, etc, she will never be safe and there will be no curiousity.

2) initial interest

If she feels "safe", then there must be something about you that initially attracts her. I believe she keys in to your eyes, smile, hair, clothing, attitide, etc. which gets her interest.

3) curiousity

Then, she becomes curious if the stuff inside of you complements the outside features that she is initially attracted to.

4) long-term interest level zone

This can start after 10 minutes or so of conversation. Everything that goes on then is factored into this long-term interest.

I believe the curious zone is very short. In the long-term interest level zone, she will always be questioning, evaluating, pondering, etc. the relationship.

 

[Survivor]

Originally posted by BigBadJon:
BGC's caller ID thread brought to light several interesting topics. It is obvious that the room is divided on the subject of getting around caller ID. Any more discussion about THAT would be a waste.

You couldn't be more right about that, Jon.

Originally posted by BigBadJon:
See, to my way of thinking, MOST women will be CURIOUS about you upon giving you her number. INTEREST comes later.

I'd have to recant my past statments and agree with you on that. So far I'm with you.

Originally posted by BigBadJon:
The first few dates should be used to create and heighten INTEREST LEVEL.

Only after a one-on-one date can INTEREST LEVEL begin to be established.

No argument from me on that.

Originally posted by BigBadJon:
Unless there is genuine HIGH INTEREST, women will be VERY hesitant to break the unwritten unspoken rules society has imposed on them. Such as being the agressor in the beginning stages of a relationship. Just ask Juanita.

Here's where I disagree, Jon.

High interest occurs more often in our society than you think. Here's something I learned while working in sales.

There's a stigma in our society against adultery, right? Yet spouses cheat on each other all the time, because our sex drive by nature is lustful, impulsive and holds no respect for the sanctity of marriage. Smokers have known for years that they're killing themselves yet they still puff away, because they're addicted to the nicotine. Guys know they can't afford that new Escalade, but they go broke getting it anyway because they feel important driving it and feel they need it to get chicks.

Most people are not controlled by their intellect and logic, Jon. They're controlled by their emotions, feelings, impulses and addictions. They then use their "intellect", "logic" and "social standards" only to make excuses for themselves as to why they acted so illogically, emotionally, and/or impulsively.

Ever heard the phrase "Addiction Before Loyaly"? It is a very, very true saying, my friend.

I chose to use this sad fact of life to my advantage. I want to invoke in women the same emotions that gets them addicted to soap operas. I want to create in them the same FEELINGS of safety and security that they FELT when their fathers rocked them to sleep when they were little girls. I want women to FEEL safe, curious and excited around me, the FIRST time they meet me.

I have faith that Jaunita will call men back whom she FELT safe, curious and excited about the first time they met in person. Safe, because he approached her in a non-threatening manner. Curious, because his appearance was up to par, thus having superior genes and possessing the ability to protect her. Excited, because he was charismatic, unique and unpredictable. She won't trust him too much too soon, however. After all, she's still a DJ.

Then when we ask her why she broke her "rule" not to call guys back, she'll write, "Well, I don't know. I guess I just had a good FEELING about him!"

[This message has been edited by Survivor (edited 02-11-2001).]

 

[BigBadJon]

DJ, you're right about the safety issue. First priority for them is and should be qualifying you from that standpoint.

Survivor, I'm sure if 20 men were asked to try to define the steps that women go through when qualifying a man, you would get 20 different replies. None of them would be 100% right, and none 100% wrong. All we can hope to do here is get a GENERAL idea of the way women think.

That said, it seems most of our disagreement is about WHEN high interest is created. I see your point about adultery being stigmatized yet happening all the time. I know high interest can be created within a very short period of time. And with high interest, women can and will break their own rules. It has happened to me. AND IT'S A DAMN GOOD FEELING!

Here's where I still don't follow you. It sounds to me like you are saying that more often than not, high interest is created within minutes of meeting someone, and if the chemistry isn't there in the beginning, chances are much less that it will happen in the future. Am I correct?

Honestly, the best relationship I've ever had is the one(THE ONLY ONE) where the girl had super high interest from the very beginning.

To my way of thinking, there are only a few times in your entire LIFE that you ever have that sort of chemistry with a chick in such a short period of time.

I would say that MOST of the time, having only limited contact with you prior, a woman's opinion of you will not be heightened to the point where she will put herself in the position to risk being rejected by calling you after she has only seen your name on her caller ID.

Like I said, only once in my entire life have I had a woman go that crazy over me before our first date. And come to think of it, I could tell she had high interest from the first couple of times being around her, but we had also known each other casually for nearly a year prior to hooking up. AND, I took her out to eat after work a couple of times BEFORE we had our first official date, all the while I could see her interest level going thru the roof. Also, even though she wanted me like fukkin crazy, she waited for ME to make all the initial moves (social stigma in action) She also VERY APOLOGETICALLY refused to have sex with me the first night I stayed the night with her. You could tell it was all she could do to keep from giving in, but once again social stigma (she kept saying, "I hope you understand why I can't do this just yet") kept her from following her true desires.

Another chick I dated recently seemed to have super high interest from the day we met. She even paid my tab that night. She still wasn't willing to step out of bounds by calling me before we officially hooked up. She easily could have considering I am good friends with her brother.

So from my experiences, women don't automatically throw themselves at my feet. It's something that is built up over time.

When you say Juanita would call a man back that made the proper first impression with her. Although she may at some point in her life be tempted to break her own rule, she will generally stick to it. (Feel free to comment Juanita) Even if she makes an exception for one out of every five guys she meets, it would be quite a shame for her to miss out on dating a good guy that gave a less than stellar performance the first time they met.

It seems that you are limiting yourself by only putting effort into a sure thing. While plenty can be said in favor of this, to me this is just another way to save face by cutting your losses. Problem is, you aren't giving it a chance to BE a loss. You are moving on too soon. It's one thing cutting your losses when it has become obvious that there is no chance of anything happening. It's another situation when you are not giving them at least the first benefit of the doubt. Ultimately your pride may not get bruised as badly, but at the same time you have the potential to miss out on a good woman due to poor timing or bad cicumstances.

I really like these kinds of topics, I'm learning a ton of useful stuff from digging this deeply.

Any more opinions? Keep em coming.

 

[Don_Juanabe]

One thing to remember is that high interest which is formed upon an initial meeting is generally superficial. It is still interest, but it isn't so much about who the man is, rather, the obvious things she sees. Perhaps one bad thing about this is that very high initial interest is fairly limited in upside, but has significant downside. Thus, a relationship may initially be absolutely amazing, yet it may be likely to wane over time as it turns out the man has flaws that were not readily apparent (and the woman has them too!). On the other hand, medium interest that can be grown in time may enable a better, longer-lasting relationship, as there is more room for interest to grow.

DJBe

 

[Survivor]

That's a fantastic point, DJBe.

My question is, what do we aim for.

I'm 25 years old and have no interest in being a player. I want a long term relationship and possible marriage.

Do I aim for curious medium interest in the first approach, or passionate high interest?

This discussion is making me question just how influence we have over a woman's initial interest level to begin with.

 

[Gator Ash]

I would say we aim for learning & using the DJ principles on this site in order to get to know as many women as reasonly possible. Then we "weed" them out over time in order to find the right woman to have a long term relationship with. We go in with the attitude of "you women have to prove yourself and put your time in before you get a precious piece of my heart".

As for the other point made on this board, I'd have to say that women WILL throw caution to the wind for the "right" man. The "right" man is the one who invokes all of those feelings, beliefs, etc. that women gain from reading romance novels, watching soaps & romantic movies, etc. In other words, the women's Interest Level is not so much in that particular man as it is in obtaining that "fantasy" romance this man offers through his inital actions, attitude, etc. To illustrate my point, a lady friend of mine spent a whole afternoon & evening (having dinner, seeing a movie, going back to his place) with a guy she had literally just met in the mall because this guy seemed "spontaneous" and this idiot friend of mine always believed that the man she was meant to fall in love with would be "spontantous".

[This message has been edited by Gator Ash (edited 02-12-2001).]

 

[BigBadJon]

Very good point DJbe. I missed that one. A woman's "super hero" always turns out to be a normal person with flaws just like the rest of us.

Survivor, I say shoot for any type of interest in the begining. I still say that the best relationships are going to BUILD over time. A fire that burns too hot in the beginning will surely use it's fuel quickly and burn itself out prematurely.

In other words, the women's Interest Level is not so much in that particular man as it is in obtaining that "fantasy" romance this man offers through his inital actions, attitude, etc.

Your friends attraction to this guy was not based upon anything solid. It was based upon the DREAM of her ideal man. She may as well have gone to a psychic for advice on how her ideal man would be.

A woman that seea you as everything she dreams of the moment she lays eyes on you will be in for a rude awakening.

One of two things will happen. Either he keeps up the fantasy image she has created of him, and she becomes tired/bored/complacent with him and dumps him. OR she sees the REAL man, who isn't exactly the one she THOUGHT she met just weeks before.

Excellent replies everyone. I'm definitely learning a lot from this.

 

[SoSuave.com]

bump

 

[macallik]

all the posts in the thread are amazing. bump

 

[3countriesPlan]

bumping a post after 10 years, classic....I love how the old school dudes were breaking game down back in the day