When a girl does something completely inexplicable...

[OnTheWayUp]

Gentlemen,

Perhaps one of you can shed some light on this for me.

Met a 9 5 weeks ago in a club, got her number. Had drinks with her a few days later, got her back to my place and did it on the first date. Had 3 more dates over the next 4 weeks, all of which were really awesome. We got on in person as well as just physically, although the sex was good as well. She obviously liked me: she expressed discomfort that I was seeing other girls as early as date 2, and again last week.

She's a student, 20yo. Very attractive and feminine, but doesn't know it. Had a difficult time in school due to bullying, but otherwise emotionally stable. Her sister has long-term health problems. Strikes me as having quite low self-esteem. Claims she's only had one bf in the past, but I'm sure she's slept with other guys as well. A little bit immature, but very funny and completely charming which more whan made up for it.

I've been seeing other girls, but this one impressed me, and I was about to make her my gf. Then out of the blue she flaked on me without telling me in advance. It turns out that she is failing her uni classes and has a problematic relationship with her tutor, and this came to a head the day she was due to see me. In addition, her sister broke her leg the same day. She wrote me an emotional email of apology.

I expressed sympathy for her situation, whilst telling her gently (and in a manner referring to a private joke) that flaking without telling me was wrong. I said that I wanted to see her, but understood that she is going through a tough time and might not want to see anyone atm. No response after 24 hours. I've called her twice as well- no answer.

What's going on here? Is she legitimately busy with her own problems? Does she think I'm a player and has cut me off? I told her I liked her and that I was prepared to give up the other girls (after she did the same)- does she not view me as a challenge? Is some other guy involved?

I'm into the other girl I'm seeing as well, so I wouldn't mind too much if this girl stops seeing me. It seems apparent that the best thing to do here is to back off and let her come back to me if she so desires. However, being kept in limbo is unpleasant, and I'd like to understand her behaviour. Thoughts?

 

[Htienvu]

I told her I liked her and that I was prepared to give up the other girls (after she did the same)- does she not view me as a challenge?

That's where you've shot yourself in the foot.

 

[st_99]

Nothing magical happening here, as much as we'd like to think so sometimes. She just plain old lost interest, thats pretty much it.
Could have been due to some afc moves or could be another guy or both.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

That's where you've shot yourself in the foot.

Why? It's not like I poured my heart out to her and told her I loved her. This girl had been doing everything I wanted her to and had verbally expressed interest a number of times before I did the same. She said she didn't like me seeing other girls, she asked how far away from hers my house is, she complimented me on my looks and my skills in the bedroom etc. She deserved a measure of reciprocation... surely telling someone you like them is in itself not enough to send them running?

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Nothing magical happening here, as much as we'd like to think so sometimes. She just plain old lost interest, thats pretty much it.
Could have been due to some afc moves or could be another guy or both.

What's so weird is that in 4 days she went from practically aking me to be her bf to flaking on me and not answering my messages. She even asked me the day before we were due to meet on Tuesday how much the date would cost, suggesting that she wanted to come.

I really want to contact her again to know where I stand, but I fear this will only push her away.

 

[lightofhatred]

"I told her I liked her and that I was prepared to give up the other girls"
"No response after 24 hours. I've called her twice as well- no answer."

Why would you do that? D:

 

[Htienvu]

Why? It's not like I poured my heart out to her and told her I loved her. This girl had been doing everything I wanted her to and had verbally expressed interest a number of times before I did the same. She said she didn't like me seeing other girls, she asked how far away from hers my house is, she complimented me on my looks and my skills in the bedroom etc. She deserved a measure of reciprocation... surely telling someone you like them is in itself not enough to send them running?

You're partly right! It's a chain of event though, it could be that you've just met and hit it off so well you've let your guard down. You begin to call too much, text too much, express your feelings too much. You've invested a whole lot into it, maybe she was just playing you.

It could be a lot of things, it might not have been something you've said or done before this. She might just have lost interest for no reason or have found other interests. However, you've beginning to look desperate to her, calling her more even when she ignore your first attempt.

Go no contact, look at the situation again. You like her but you don't need her, let her know that through your actions.

 

[Iceberg]

What's so weird is that in 4 days she went from practically aking me to be her bf to flaking on me and not answering my messages. She even asked me the day before we were due to meet on Tuesday how much the date would cost, suggesting that she wanted to come.

I really want to contact her again to know where I stand, but I fear this will only push her away.

Hm. What else is there to know? Seems like she's already telling you where you stand.

As they say, "When a woman wants you, she will move mountains to be with you."

Busy. Failing a class. Problems at home. Thinks you're a player....None of those things will stop an interestested woman from giving you AT LEAST a few hours out of a 7-day week. It ain't that hard to get a couple drinks, go home and f**k, and then continue dealing with her busy schedule

Girls, as we know, are flaky. Their interest levels change with the winds. Disappear with some level of dignity and mystery, and maybe one day she'll wonder what happened to the great OnTheWayUp, and reach out again.

Chasing her, as you've been doing, has gotten you nothing. Now, try the opposite approach.

 

[zekko]

If she's really a 9, she's got a ton of options and knows it.
No way she's really as innocent as she plays herself off to be.

The above could lead her to lose interest easily, or move on to another option suddenly. Or she could be telling the truth, but I'd be suspicious.
About all you can do is back off and see if she contacts you. The worse thing you can do right now is smother her. If she doesn't come back around, you might have to next her.

 

[PokerStar]

her actions have spoken. she does not want to see you for the next bit. so take out other girls. the one i want hasnt been normal (lol) lately.

So i decided to take out 4 hotties tonight to a concert.

The HB that i want was not invited and she knows ill be going out with other chicks tonight.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I expressed sympathy for her situation, whilst telling her gently (and in a manner referring to a private joke) that flaking without telling me was wrong.

My thought is that this could be part of the issue. You said that she wrote you an emotional apology, which should have been satisfactory to you (it would have been to me, and I'm a complete hard-ass).

It all depends on her personality as to how she received your correction. She might have been hurt that she apologized and yet you had to still correct her for it.

Only you know, because only you know what her apology actually said, and only you know how you worded your response. I'm just offering a possibility here to think about.

 

[pdx1138]

"Flaking without telling you"

So it would have been ok for her to flake as long as she told you?

ha ha, just kidding there.

Don't call a woman out on flaking....it makes you look like a desperate dude.
Just deal with it accordingly.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

I'm still completely confused by this. It's very clear that she's lost interest and/or has a personal crisis brewing atm, and that my best move is not to contact her. No-one who's posted on this thread would disagree with that.

What I find staggering is how suddenly her interest level shifted. It's something I've never experienced before, and I've had a significant amount of dating experience in the last couple of years. One moment she was answering all my messages, agreeing to everything I asked, and practically asking me to me her bf. Literally in the course of a day, she went from asking logistical questions about our date (an IOI) to not showing up. It's this I'd love to understand. What happened??

Is the solution with these super-hot girls really to give them absolutely nothing? They talk about a relationship, you reply with something incoherent and ambiguous. They cancel on you, you don't give a sh1t and don't bother responding at all. Would this have happened if I had made her my gf when she asked? Is being completely unreciprocal in giving back interest really what you have to do to keep their IL up? If so, perhaps I need to fall to the dark side more than I previously thought.

I'd appreciate some insights into this.