Okay... never simple, these matters of the heart.
1. The Wrong question: Why did he do this?
Why doesn't matter. Why he did this or that - why the Grandparents do this or that... Why just doesn't matter. That is all OVER. GONE. FINITO FINSIHED. BYE-BYE. You want to know why so you can fix it - but you can't/couldn't even if you had the "Why" Just accept that.
It's their **** to deal with. Not yours; not your child's. It is just not your job to figure them out. And yes, it really is that simple... let it be that simple. Rest and find comfort that you don't have to have all the answers.
If you did have the answers - you couldn't change the reality of it anyway- you would still find yourself right where you are.
Now, when your child gets around to asking "why" a good answer may be: "Sometimes the most loving thing a parent can do is to stay away. The best way your Dad knew how to love you was to let me raise you without him here. I know that can be hard to understand, but I promise that when you are older, it will make even more sense. And I feel
sooooo lucky to be able to be here, loving you everyday... you are the most amazing little girl..." and then focus on the treasure she is, and then distract with a task so the child doesn't wallow in doubt, but basks in the present moment of life being loved by Mommy.
Remember: It is important to NEVER trash him (or the Grandparents EVER.) Kids aren't stupid and often when they ask about the absent parent - what they are REALLY asking is can they count on
YOU.
If she gets bitter and angry, then something along the lines of: "You know what is so great having parents? Sometimes they do things that we agree with, so we know when we grow up and are parents ourselves we will do exactly what they do! AND sometimes, when they do what we don't like, then they teach us to! Now you know a quality that you don't want to have with your children (or a quality to look out for when you choose a husband/Father for your children). Isn't it great how both your Father and me can teach you your choices by what you both agree withand don't agree with in how we have chosen to parent you?" (It is important to say "we' and include yourself in this analogy to keep her feeling whole) Of course these answers are to be tempered with her age...
It is also okay to admit to your child that you
DON'T KNOW WHY with hard situaions in life - in the most gentlest of voices, but that you sure feel lucky to be able to be with her every single day... that she has
YOU. She
CAN count on
YOU... followed with insane hugging, kisses and tickling of course!
2. The Right Question:
Man or woman - you need to ask yourself:
"Do I have the commitment to raise this child
ALONE, with no help from anybody, ever?" Because that is what a person needs to be honest about before a pregnancy - - or when they ARE pregnant. People can Houdini on you, divorce, and/or die - and you are left alone with that child for the rest of your life. So if it truly did not dawn on you to ask yourself if you could do it ALONE without him, good to keep this as future reference/lesson.
This will determine what YOU are made of more than any of the other people around you. This is really all about the kind of Woman YOU are. All the other people are actually irrelevant - he is irrelevant.
3. Money.
Of course you should file for child support. That is just good sense. He is the baby's Father, you hold him accountable for that - through the courts - at this point it needs to go in the "it's just business" part of your mind. - Not punishment for him, not a way to renew contact with him - your attorny needs to handle all that communication for you. If you don't need the money for daily care, then you take the child support and you invest it so the child has money for College or some other dreams. If he constantly runs away from paying - that is irrelevant in the overall scheme of things. What is important is that you do that FOR YOUR CHILD.
4. The Grandparents are only relevant if
they choose to be. It is not your job to make them be Grandparents. It is
THEIR job to show up for that relationship - not your job to get them to. Grieve what you thought was a reliable part of your support system and re-read #1
5. Men in your future.
Your child must not be exposed to a million "are you my Daddy?" s Your adult/romantic life is not your child's business until you are looking at a life commitment. I mean a LIFE commitment - not just trying a guy on for size.
This means EVER.
Gambling your heart to be broken is one thing - but to gamble your daughter's is NEVER okay. No exceptions.
6. You are only Mommy.
You will never be able to be both parents. You will never be able to be her Father. You will never be both Mommy and Daddy. So relax about that, accept it. It's okay to feel like you are not enough because you can't be both. It's okay to feel lost because you can't give it all to her. But NO SELF PITY. That just is NOT an indulgance you will ever have time for and it is dangerous. But you can be the most incredible Mother on the face of the planet - and
that is no small thing.
7. Intensive care
YOU ASK: She spent 5 weeks in Intensive care and me and my mother were the only ones who visited her. How will she feel knowing that when she gets older?
Your child must not ever be told this. Nor will you ever say you never loved her Father. Children identify their value with their parents.
"It was a kind of love I did not understand at the time" or even something lame like that is good enough. Children do NOT need to know the private affairs of their parents.
8. Abandonment issues.
This will be hard for you to hear, so please know I say this in as kind, loving and gentle way as is possible. I do not mean this to hurt you, but I think it will be a painful truth for you. You abandoned yourself. When you allow people to treat you in an unloving way - you abandon yourself - You did not take good care of yourself and you did not protect YOUR OWN self from what you learned to be the truth of who he was early on. You lied to yourself. You did betray/abandon your
self.
SO! The good news? You get to
forgive yourself You get to love your own self and promise your self to never abandon the primary responsiblity of taking care of your own self first.
It is okay to not suffer anymore and build a joyful home/life for you and your child that you guard with the fierceness that is the Woman you are becoming.
Big hugs, and never underestimate the power of a nice, warm bowl soup
