What's the funniest thing you heard a female say?

[Mike32ct]

1. After she gave me a BJ in her car, I asked if she wanted to cuddle for a bit. (I know, very AFC.)

She said, "No, that's too intimate."

2. I met another girl on vacation. We made out and got naked in my room. I fingered her (with my whole hand) and sucked her tits aggressively for like an hour.

I just wanted consent to go all the way...

Mike: Are you ready? <grabbing a condom>

HB7: I can't. I don't want to cheat on my boyfriend.

 

[AAAgent]

A girl with a boyfriend who was overseas came out to my birthday that i had at a stripclub. I had a few girls with me and they bought me lap dances, one of them even gave me a lap dance and was told to stop by the bouncer. This other girl at the restaurant was all over me but i told my friend to take care of her and walked away as she was wasted.

She had drinks at her place the next day and everyone slowly left. I was the last one in the apartment putting on my shoes and she tried to block me from leaving by putting her hand across the hallway. I walked under her arm and said good bye and left.

I get a call while driving my friend back to his place and i tell him to be quiet. She ask's if i'm alone and i say yes. She then proceeds to tell me she doesn't want me driving home.

hb: Are you driving home now?
AAA: i'm about to.
hb: you should come over here, this way you don't have to drive so far back.
AAA: i actually have my books at home and some work to do.
hb: do you need your books tomorrow?
AAA: yes, that's why i'm going home.
hb: ok. why don't you go home and get your books and come stay here so you don't need to get up early. You can stay in my sisters room since she's not here.
AAA: I feel more comfortable doing my work at home. Maybe some other time.


hb: just come over. I promise i won't do anything to you.
AAA: I have to go since, i don't want to get a ticket while driving. Have a good night.

she called me a few more times crying and some other stuff.

----

This pretty hot girl was all over me one night at this house party (heard she had std's so i stayed away), rubbing my chest/body and lifting up my shirt. I pushed her away and told her not here and walked away. I tried to get away from her and walked upstairs. She followed and i proceeded to go a different way. She bumped into my friend and she asked him:

hb8: what's wrong with AAA, i keep throwing myself at him.
my friend: He's gay.
hb8: no he's not (walks away)

We're playing kings and i decide to leave. I go to the bathroom and tell my boy to look out for me incase this girl tries to come in. I'm taking a piss and i lock the door and someone tries to break into the bathroom.

my friend: no he's not in there.*door shaking*

I finish my piss and wait a good 1 minute (it's pretty quiet outside the bathroom so i take the chance) and then flush. I unlock the door and open it and i get pushed back by a bum rush. She closes the door behind her and locks it. Begins kissing me all over and head down to my crotch and tries to undo my belt. I push her away and say not here and i have to go (i was talking to some other girl at the time and the afc in me didn't want the other girl to hear about me getting a bj by some girl. she may have also had oral herpes).

 

[visions]

like sageproduct said, women generally aren't funny. but some of the stuff here is funny

 

[Naughty Ninja]

Any chick who goes on National T.V. (actresses) etc. who claim they could never get a date because "nobodies" ever asked them out. Epically hilarious!


Good addition for the female translation thread: Chick: "I'm single because "nobodies" ever asked me out." = Keyword "Nobodies"= Any dude who actually HAS asked me out that I want nothing to do with because he doesn't fit the "perfect Godlike" criteria I require.

 

[starfishandcoffee]

was at an open mic night, talked to some drunk chick.

She said "wow, you look just like my cousin!" and then she proceeded to shove her tongue down my throat.

 

[Purefilth]

"What is in chicken?"

wtf? what does that even mean?

I just looked at her blankly and said "Eggs"

 

[Mike32ct]

1. Or this other time...

Mike: Just got back from Vegas

Bartender Lady: Really? Did you like California?

2. Back when i was in college/university...

Mike's Aunt: I was out with my bf last night. We were talking to this guy, and he goes to your school.

Mike: That's cool. Which major?

Mike's Aunt: I think he said fire science. He wants to be a firefighter.

Mike: <um ok. Where are you going with this?>

Mike's Aunt: Anyway, he is single. I got his number for you.

3. Back in the club.

Making out with older chick.

HB: Mike, slow down. You make out like a rattlesnake.

 

[Mike32ct]

On vacation....

I get approached by two drunk girls.

HB6and7: We're from Canada, and we're REALLY F-ed up right now.

Mike: Which part?

HB6: We're from north of Canada lol.

Mike: <hmm> North Pole?

HB7: No, Edmonton lol.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Ex-girlfriend's text after i ignored her hundreth call today:

Her: ignore that last call...Dialled u by mistake

 

[sttpes]

"Im not like that"

BOOM!, fvcked her instantly

 

[jafyk]

she chundered everywhere after we hit 3rd base.

What does this mean?

 

[Tomo]

'I really like you but I normally take things slow and think we should be friends first...' while in bed as I took her clothes off - no objection.

Proceeded with kino and kissing and BAM! Someone got laid that night. If it wasn't for this site, I probably would have gone AFC and got nothing that night.

 

[MillionBillionaire]

"I'm a virgin." ROFL Whorchoptor!!!!

 

[Atom Smasher]

What does this mean?

Threw up.

 

[_sideways_]

Ex-girlfriend's text after i ignored her hundreth call today:

Her: ignore that last call...Dialled u by mistake

The juice I was drinking squirted out of my nose. That's hilarious

 

[adam225]

I met this random girl the once and asked her for a fvck which she gave me (under a train bridge). All of a sudden she grabbed me and ask me "are you just using me for sex ?" my reply was "yes". She pulled her trousers up and ran off crying her eyes out.... oppps...

 

[rushing dude 123]

Good Thread Mike

1. That's the nicest tasting cvm I've ever had.
2. You have the best legs I've seen on a white guy.
3. Don't go down on me...it's pretty messed up down there.
4. Ummm, you need to get out of the cab and ask your friend to get in.
5. (Morning after) Who are you and where the fvck am I? Did we have sex?

Very Funny!!!!!!

...dam can't think of any of my own at the moment, o yes now I remember.


In the bed with a chick I met at a uni party, shes really drunk, things are getting heated as its going to go down and she says "umm let's play a game, you can be the P.E teacher and I have forgot my P.E kit" wtf... Me: "I got a game, How about you don't talk and we just do this"

 

[HalfPUAHalfAFC]

Gamed a chick at a bar for about 1 hour. Grabbed my keys and said, "I'm going home, you should come with me."

She follows me in her car, up the sidewalk, into the house, the bedroom, clothes come off...bang.

As I get to fifth base, "I've never done that before." Cackle.

As she leaves around 2am, walking out the door, she says, "Heh, heh, I don't even know your name!"

Good times

 

[Mike32ct]

1. Met a chick on vacation...

Mike: Where are you from?

HB: The Virgin Islands <For real not joking>

Mike: Are there many virgins there?

HB: Not really lol

2. I was dating a bisexual chick. She would talk about a threesome with her gf but we hadn't done that yet.

So me and the bi chick are having sex.

HB: Oh this is soo good...

Mike: It would be even hotter if your friend "Sarah" was with us.

HB: Omg yess. F me...

HB: AND F HER TOO...HARD... NOW

Mike: <But she's not here lol>

 

[papawapa]

In the middle of banging last night I got this...

"OMG, where did you grow up? Like next to a nuclear power plant?"