What would you do for your ex? Issue of self respect.

[AMF]

This is only the second question Ive ever asked here, but I really want to know what you think. I need my fellow men's advice. Thanks everyone.

Ok, an amazing girl. Id never met anyone like her.

An LTR develops and Im not ashamed to admit we're soon in love. No doubt about it.

8 months in , I get bored. I always do. Theres always something better, right? So, I see other people. She doesnt, not like me.

3/4 months later: I miss her. We get back together. Happy again.

4 months later: I get bored again so I end it.

Few weeks later... we're still having sex and spending time.

Better this way - no pressure or strings. I guess its always on my terms. My terms. Im in control; she cares more than I do.

Next, she gets attached to me again - I freak out and put an end to the sex. Im always in control, right?

But it still happens between us. Amazing sex, all the time. Damn. We still love each other, thats all. We really do.

So this is where it gets complicated.

Sh*t. I begin to feel attached myself. We spend an AMAZING weekend together for her b'day. We are as close as ever... feels to both of us, that we are together again.

I did everything for her that weekend. Presents, meals with friends one night and family the other. I kept her, her friends, her family, all entertained. I took her everywhere, looked after her while she was ill. I love her, thats all.

Sunday night, end of this great weekend. She leaves the room.

So I read her SMS messages on her phone. Bad, I know. But shes been texting all day, its been bothering me.

My stomach drops. And I want to be sick there and then as I see that she has met someone else. Someone called "Jason". F*cking "Jason".

She admits it. They've already "done stuff", the same week as we did. I'm heartbroken, frankly.

I resolve to never see her again. I know this is a double standard. Shes had to cope with me seeing other people. Ive broken her heart 2 or even 3 times. But it doesnt change things, does it. Ive NEVER felt this bad. I never thought I COULD feel this bad.

The first time I'd lost HER.

Anyway, a few days later.

I had just about calmed down, and she called me. This time, I answered. Poured our hearts out, again. We still love each other, thats for sure. We know that. I told her I understood and wanted to be friends. After all - I half-convinced myself - Ive been with other people, and I dumped her, and if I love her I'll want her to be happy, right? Maybe. But the thought of some other guy... well, I want to be sick. The thought woke me up in the dead of night. Id really feel like screaming or going mad if this thought wormed into my mind.

We meet up. Her: "I love you. If you make me choose between you, Ill choose you. But I'll hate you for making me."

I tell her I wont. I'm trying desperately to be a man, and retain dignity, not grovel, not be upset. I am the man, right?

So here it is.

Shes real busy with projects, and shes stressed, has family problems etc, etc. And, with all these projects and problems, Ive been helping, Ive been there. Like a boyfriend.

Running sh*t around for her, handing out flyers for her fundraising events, giving her lifts, taking her out. Tonight Im "hosting" a speed dating evening with her. All to her benefit, not mine.

Ive done it coz I love her and its habit and she away for 6 months from October (the project) and we might get back together; I hope we will get back together. But for now shes enjoying "something different, something new." Shes enjoying giving herself to someone else. Its not serious, she says. Just fun. She says that "shes still much closer with me." She doesnt tell hgim her problems. Hes not engrained in her life like I am. Yeah, maybe. But you still f*ck him and not me.

Damn. I still feel half happy to still see her.

But I also feel like I should tell her to f*ck off.

I figure, if I had self respect I would leave her alone. Totally leave her alone. "Have your fun - but without me as a sideshow." I should just move on, never look back. The "DJ" self-respect mentality would not allow this. Doesnt matter what happened in the past - why should I take the sh*t to make some other dude's sex better?? Why should I treat her like a girlfriend if someone else is getting the sex and the hugs and the early morning kisses and the hair stroking and the warmth?? Or does my treatment of her in the past change things??

Guys, this is an issue of self-respect. What would you do.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

[NewMan]

Do you even know what you want?

That's my question.

She admits it. They've already "done stuff", the same week as we did. I'm heartbroken, frankly.

She spent the whole time with you - and not the other guy.

I believe the other dude is the back-up dude.

If you want her tell her that. but don't play these stupid I want you - then I don't games.

Do you just want her now because another guy is interested in her? You've got the dig down and figure that sh#t out.

Shes real busy with projects, and shes stressed, has family problems etc, etc. And, with all these projects and problems, Ive been helping, Ive been there. Like a boyfriend.

If she's not your GF anymore stop doing this kind of sh#t for her - let her new man be her emotional tampon.

Now it sounds like you want to be back with her. If that's so, man up and tell her and stop beating around the bush.

 

[AMF]

Thanks NewMan - your advice is more helpful than all my friends' advice put together.

I HAVE told her I want her. She wants me still, but doesnt want to get hurt AND genuinely likes the other guy. She wont be with me now, basically, for both these reasons. But my feelings are so tangled that it could all be jealousy, and nothing more. What a mess.

But the point is, does any self respecting guy just cut their ex loose completely??

Thanks guys

 

[Doro Ajani]

Meditate on this, AMF:

"Miserable is the man who loves a woman and takes her for his wife, pouring at her feet the sweat of his skin and the blood of his body and the life of his heart, and placing her in the hands of the fruit of his toil and the revenue of his diligence; for when he slowly wakes up, he finds that the heart that he endeavored to buy is given away freely and in sincerity to another man for the enjoyment of its hidden secrets and deepest love."

— Khalil Gibran (1883-1931).

AMF, you had and exercised power in your relationship with her, and at some point, gave that power up. You did this on more than one occasion.

This situation of yours is beyond repair. You have done too much damage to her sense of respect and admiration for you. The only dignified thing to do now is for you to walk away. NOW.

Doro Ajani

 

[JohnJones]

What WOULD I do, or what would I suggest someone to do? Its always a different question when you're involved in it.

But I would say, listen, I know I was somewhat tentative for a while and that probably wasn't the best thing for you but your arrangement with this other guy just doesn't work for me, so its better if we end this now and call it a day before it gets silly or overdone.

Then I would walk away, and mean it. I know that there isn't supposed to be a double standard (why can't she see other people if I am/did) and I know that I should be immune from this, but the idea of another guy doing stuff to her, and her going back and forth between us, would eat at me more if she was still around than if I just dumped her. I would think poorly of her character, or that she just wasn't that much into me. So that's what I would want to do.

It's still hard to do it though.

 

[JohnJones]

Originally posted by AMF

But the point is, does any self respecting guy just cut their ex loose completely??

Thanks guys

It depends. In this situation, why can't you? She has someone else to take care of her now, why should you? At this point, you don't owe her anything and your kindness may be too generous where she doesn't need you around to keep her from being too unhappy.

 

[TheSplat]

Hey bro, I just went through a harsh break up w/ a girl who I'd been dating for a year and a half. We broke up, still hooked up occasionally, there was no other guy, but it still ended badly. I think the way a DJ handles a break up like this is to just cut your losses and go out with your friends. It really helps alot. Get your single friends to take you to a nightclub and drink and dance her memory away.

Good luck man, it's a tough road. But watch, you'll find that the next girl you meet will have different endearing qualities and you can get over all of this.

 

[1utfan1]

Originally posted by AMF
We meet up. Her: "I love you. If you make me choose between you, Ill choose you. But I'll hate you for making me."

WTF? Well if you want her she's gonna have to choose. And if she does choose you she's gonna hold it against you. NEXT

 

[AMF]

All your advice is really appreciated, guys

Doro Ajani... This quote is amazing. Truly amazing.

Thanks again.

 

[Cremasta]

The way I see it...

You're 21 and you want to shag every chick that walks past you... it's in your nature. Don't tie yourself down to one girl because as you have clearly shown us, you can't do this for any length of time.

Go out and bed every chick that takes your fancy, just don't string this girl along with the "I love you" crap, because words are one thing, but you aren't able to back it up with action.

It's not an issue of self-respect, it's an issue of respect for this girl and you not denying your true nature. You're not ready for an LTR right now.

 

[NewMan]

I HAVE told her I want her. She wants me still, but doesnt want to get hurt AND genuinely likes the other guy. She wont be with me now, basically, for both these reasons. But my feelings are so tangled that it could all be jealousy, and nothing more. What a mess.

You have both made your choices. You broke it off on more than one occasion - and now she is gun shy.

I would probably guess it is jealousy. Another man is taking what is yours - can you get it back? does she still want you? can you do it? - these are all questions you are asking your sunconscious.

We always want what we cannot have. And in this case she is telling you you cannot have her.

But the point is, does any self respecting guy just cut their ex loose completely??

I should have - and wish I did straight away.

Look, there are rewards for her choosing you - and that reward is your companionship and friendship. If she chooses to give herself to someone else - then he can pick up after her and take your place. That is her burden to carry. To be without you physically and emotionally.

Why would you be her emotional staff if she was just taking from you and giving you nothing in return?

Oh - because you love her?

You can love her without giving up your self worth and being her emotional tampon.

Cut that connection.

If she wants you back she will come.