What To Do?

[Hon_E]

Last year I was seeing a woman, who is within a year of my age (early 30's). She's physically attractive, has similar interests/hobbies, struggles with mental health.

I enjoyed spending time with her, it was easy and effortless, at the time we just 'clicked'.

Worth noting, she was the most sexually explicit & forward woman I've been with. Quick to s*x (first date), great in bed, she initiated sexting multiple times, she sent partial nude photos without my asking, etc. etc..

I was originally rather naive about her, and got burned.

She abruptly ditched me for another guy.

We had already slept together a few times by then, and had a sleepover date planned just prior (her idea), which she flaked on the day before when she chose the other guy.

Turns out their honeymoon phase is over now.

She's no longer happy with him, which she said so much when she reached out to me ~2 months ago, to gauge whether I was a viable monkeybranch, and she told me she regretted ditching me before (without me bringing it up).

I wasn't interested in anything serious with her anymore, never pursued it, and so she stayed with him.

Fast forward to a bit less than a week ago now ...

She swiped 'yes' to me on Tindr (we didn't originally meet on OLD, nor have I ever seen her on it since I've known her), and she immediately DM'd me on Facebook, before I could swipe one way or the other on her on Tindr.

I checked her FB, she's still with the other guy, and her Tindr profile had some conflicting signals (e.g., "Just looking for friends", "Open relationship", some face-only pictures).

Swiped 'yes' to her on Tindr, then DM'd her back on FB that evening, prior to seeing that she was "only looking for friends".

The conversation didn't go anywhere, I chose not to escalate, and after a day or two of me not replying to her latest message she double messaged, asking if I'm ever around her town (she lives in a nearby town).

I said "not really", left it at that.

A day or two later she updates her Tindr profile, removing most photos, and now adding one of just her body as her first photo, showing herself off, without her face.

Seems to me her Tindr profile now has less "plausible deniability" about her intentions than it originally did. At the very least, she wants to find someone to hook up with, despite still being with the other guy.

I FB DM her that day (Saturday past), asking if she wants to hang out. She gives mixed signals, sends me a few recent photos of herself without my asking (none sexual, though she has done that in the past), changes the topic, and says she will ask her roommate/cousin if I can come over sometime.

Wasn't looking for a group date, let her know I was thinking somewhere more private, like a local cafe for a meeting spot, and left it at that.

I would like to hook up with her, but I don't want to be a monkeybranch.

I'm guessing I wasn't direct enough with my intentions, was too slow to act, or maybe it was bad timing (short notice for the hang out offer).

How would I go about trying to start a FWB type of situation with her now?

Do I just be more blunt, rather than beating around the bush (e.g., directly ask to hook up, rather than just try to hang out one-on-one and escalate once in-person)?

I know how to escalate in other situations, but I've never tried a FWB/casual thing before, so I'm a bit unsure what to do here.

We live in a very rural area, so a complicating factor might be town gossip if she's spotted out with other men while still officially with another guy.

I would appreciate any help I could get.

I realize some might say "don't bother with her", either because I've already missed the chance or because she's full of drama, and I get that, but I'm not looking for an LTR with her, just to hook up, and it seems possible.

There are also very few options around here.

For context, most women on OLD near me are >1.5-2 hr drive away from where I live.

Short version:
A woman I was previously involved with, whom is now (unhappily) with someone else, has circled back to me twice. The second time she circled back, I'm now sensing she's open to FWB (rather than a larger commitment), which I would like to try, but I don't know how to establish that type of situation. I've never been in a FWB before, how do I start it?

 

[The Duke]

Stop thinking so much.

You stated you would like to hook up without her using you to monkey branch. What does it matter?

Seems to me she is interested so simply take her out, get some drinks in her, seduce her, and have sex. Wash rinse and repeat. If she doesn't like what you are offering she will let you know. I wouldn't state what I was offering and at this point she probably doesn't care anyways.

Sounds like you have more feelings for her that you aren't sharing.

This chic is low value, proceed with caution.

 

[Kotaix]

Worth noting, she was the most sexually explicit & forward woman I've been with. Quick to s*x (first date), great in bed, she initiated sexting multiple times, she sent partial nude photos without my asking, etc. etc..

Danger signs right here. She sounds like she's very manipulative.

I checked her FB, she's still with the other guy, and her Tindr profile had some conflicting signals (e.g., "Just looking for friends", "Open relationship", some face-only pictures).

What women say doesn't mean sh!t.

Just be blunt if you want to bang her, and have other women in your life so that she can't latch on to you.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Dont LTR her. FWB only.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Short version:
A woman I was previously involved with, whom is now (unhappily) with someone else, has circled back to me twice. The second time she circled back, I'm now sensing she's open to FWB (rather than a larger commitment), which I would like to try, but I don't know how to establish that type of situation. I've never been in a FWB before, how do I start it?

This is a girl you say is very sexually forward and someone you have already slept with. All you need to do is invite her over. Don't overthink it.

 

[manfrombelow]

Short version:

A woman I was previously involved with, whom is now (unhappily) with someone else, has circled back to me twice. The second time she circled back, I'm now sensing she's open to FWB (rather than a larger commitment), which I would like to try, but I don't know how to establish that type of situation. I've never been in a FWB before, how do I start it?

You are over thinking stuff.

Just invite her over, and fvck the sh!t outta her. And don't bring up any relationship-related topic. That's it.

 

[Hon_E]

Thanks everyone.

The consensus seems to be to invite her over, and let that speak for itself.

The logistics aren't the greatest for that, because although she's in one of the closest nearby towns, it's still a decent distance, and she doesn't have a vehicle.

I would have to pick her up and bring her back, or, she maybe she might be able to catch a ride one way from someone else.

Could make it work.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thanks everyone.

The consensus seems to be to invite her over, and let that speak for itself.

The logistics aren't the greatest for that, because although she's in one of the closest nearby towns, it's still a decent distance, and she doesn't have a vehicle.

I would have to pick her up and bring her back, or, she maybe she might be able to catch a ride one way from someone else.

Could make it work.

The only reason you still think of her with all this drama and headaches is because you lack options.

Hooking up with her will not fix this problem, I suggest you stop wasting time with her and work on fixing the root of the problem

 

[Hon_E]

The only reason you still think of her with all this drama and headaches is because you lack options.

That's accurate.

Hooking up with her will not fix this problem

It's not meant to.

I just want to hook up, and don't have many other options around here for doing so.

If she ends up not being interested, then I'll likely keep to myself until I move again.

I suggest you stop wasting time with her and work on fixing the root of the problem

I'm stuck where I live roughly until the end of 2023, for work/financial reasons.

After that, I will be moving back to a city.

 

[manfrombelow]

Thanks everyone.

The consensus seems to be to invite her over, and let that speak for itself.

The logistics aren't the greatest for that, because although she's in one of the closest nearby towns, it's still a decent distance, and she doesn't have a vehicle.

I would have to pick her up and bring her back, or, she maybe she might be able to catch a ride one way from someone else.

Could make it work.

If you have to drive to her place, fvck her there, the whole "bring her back" thingy sounds like a total waste of time and over-investment of mental health and energy.

 

[Hon_E]

An Update.

Met up with her today for a few hours, nothing much really happened.

We were gonna go for a ride (her suggestion), which is what we did the last few times when we hooked up (in the vehicle).

Her roommate/cousin & friend were home, we weren't near my place, and I got the impression that she didn't want to hook up there with her cousin home (so, "parking" was the only option).

She backed out of going for a ride, for what seemed like a legit reason.

The past 2+ months she has had bad health problems (gut issues), and she was physically suffering most of the time I was there (I could see it on her face, she was not her usual self and in pain).

She's working on getting surgery scheduled for that.

Normally I would be quite skeptical of a woman holding back on s*x with the "I don't feel well enough right now", though I fell for it this time, given all I had seen today about her being unwell.

We kissed a bit (she was less enthusiastic about that than last time, and it was a lot less).

She hugged into me for quite a while a few times. She said she really likes hugging me, which I can tell, it's probably the most a woman has hugged into me like that.

She also brought up, in an indirect way, what happened between us last time (where she abruptly dropped me for another guy, and later regretted not giving it more of a chance with me), saying a few things, and that she's trying to approach things better nowadays in terms of that.

She invited me over again (without prompting), for dinner tomorrow with her and her cousin.

Just before I left, she asked me to message when I got home (crappy roads, dark outside), so I did.

But she then (without my prompting) went on to explain why she backed out of going for a ride.

She said "the last few times we did we ended up parked somewhere (i.e., hooking up), and I didn't know if that's what you wanted, so I didn't go. I didn't know what you really wanted. It wasn't because I was sick that I didn't go."

I said I was "open to different scenarios" (which I was, though I would have preferred to hook up, or at least escalate towards that direction), and left it at that.

She gave a thumbs up, and the conversation ended.

I'm getting a bit of mixed signals here, with it leaning more towards her not wanting to hook up, or at least not yet.

She was the one who circled back to me, twice already, since we originally had a thing.
Not sure why she would do that if she doesn't actually want anything.

I might be free tomorrow evening, depends on work (I don't have fixed hours & have an important meeting to prepare for on Friday).

I'm wondering if it's worth my time to go for dinner with her tomorrow, given that I want to hook up afterwards (or do a lot more than tonight anyways).

Alternatively, I could invite her back to my place for the night, since she is off work for the next month (due to her illness).

Thoughts?

 

[SW15]

I would move on and find other options. Starting over with someone with no history of bad behavior towards you will be better for your mental and physical health.

 

[SmoothHendrixPS2]

I wouldn't spend so much non sexual time and attention on this girl. She's made it clear that she is promiscuous enough to have open relationships. Never catch feelings for girls who are in open relationships. Wear a condom.

 

[Murk]

She backed out of going for a ride, for what seemed like a legit reason.

Normally I would be quite skeptical of a woman holding back on s*x with the "I don't feel well enough right now", though I fell for it this time, given all I had seen today about her being unwell.

She said "It wasn't because I was sick that I didn't go."

LOL. This girl is trash and cheating on her BF, likely banging chads from Tinder also, you need to bang her in your car with minimal effort, no more drinks or dates, straight pick her up, bang her, drop her off.

You're going to her cousins house to be introduced as what? The guy shes cheating on her BF with? Go and smash this tramp in a field or up a tree. No more public settings for this little tramp.

 

[Hon_E]

... you need to bang her in your car with minimal effort, no more drinks or dates, straight pick her up, bang her, drop her off.

That's actually what I thought was going to happen last night.

When she suggested we go for a ride, it was a few hours prior to my arriving.

We already had other plans (made a few days ago), which involved us going out, and I was down for this change of plans.

I went to her cousin's place, with the intention of only picking her up (which is what we had agreed to), but when I got there she insisted that I come in because she had woken from a nap recently and was waiting for a (female) friend to bring her a coffee (whom was already gone out to get it).

Most of the time at her cousins we were in a semi-private part of house, but she kept putting off going on because of her "bad gut".

After a while I got up, asked her about going out, she said no, so I said I gonna leave. She asked me to wait for a few mins, hugged into me, kissed me, and I left.

Wasn't a fan of her changing the plans like that, making it a semi-group date rather than one-on-one.

So, next time, simply invite her to my place, or out for a ride, is what I'm gathering.

Don't do dinner tonight with her and her cousin.

Insist on one-on-one, leave if she tries to morph it into a public/semi-group date again.

@SW15 's suggestion of dropping her is probably a good one, for my own mental health, but I would like to give it one more try in trying to hook up and/or establish a FWB situation.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Shes in total control of the frame. You should be the one leading the interactions. She´s refusing sex.

Forget about her. Spin more plates.

 

[Murk]

Yeah forget about her, next time she reaches out you make it very clear you want sex with her, she either makes it easy or you stop talking to her.

 

[Hon_E]

She reached out today.

I declined her offer for dinner with her and her cousin, and I countered by suggesting we meet up afterwards (with sex strongly implied).

She replied, "I would if I were not still on my period", no counter offer (which isn't ideal).

She's a few days into her period, so I'll try for a few more days from now.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Wait out her period. I hope Im wrong but she will probably give you another excuse. If she does, ghost

 

[Hon_E]

She said "yes for sure" to my offer for a few days from now.

Sometime in the past two weeks she's now become "single", explains quite a bit.

She was still with buddy when she first got on Tindr and circled back to me, two weeks ago.

We'll see where it goes.