What to do . . .

[search1ng]

I'm lost but i know what i want to do. Does this make sense?

I don't know where to start... I'm 19 and I'm a male. I've been in University for 2 years but have failed the same amount of courses i have started, effectively I'm in the same situation, possibly worse then that of a person new to university.

My parents are slowly losing faith in me. I occasionally contemplate the thought of suicide, why? Because it feels like I've failed. This contemplation usually ends up with me kicking myself for even considering suicide but it still lingers occasionally.

throughout high school, i may not have been the brightest or the best but i was still in the top tiers of most of my classes, socially i was adept, i had had numerous amounts of girlfriends (friends) and also had/have close male friends that i knew could be relied upon.

It sounds good, on paper at least. It's hard to explain this constant feeling i have. It feels like I've stalled, stagnated while my friends and those around me are constantly reaching new plateaus. That isn't to say i don't have a goal. I want to be a doctor. (I won't go into the small details of why, i won't lie and say money isn't a factor either)

Even though i know i need to work really hard for this goal, i don't seem to find that as enough motivation. Even though it is something i have wanted since an early age, i can't seem to apply myself. Don Juan principles have helped me grow, they have helped me apply myself to my life in more 'mature' ways. For me the goal is not to pick up as many woman as i can, neither is it to sleep with as many as i can. It is to grow as a human - into a better human. However, even knowing this i can't seem to pick myself up.

Physically I am in better shape then ever. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week for 1 hour and 30 minutes and i plan to constantly devote myself to improving my body for the social and health benefits. It's weird, how come i can motivate myself enough to keep going, constantly, to the gym each week and yet i can't seem to motivate myself in other aspects.

I've lied to my parents, I've lied to those around me. My life seems like a facade. I hate this. I hate this because i know i can do better, i should be doing better. Next year I'll be switching to another degree only so i can have a clean slated shot at medicine, again. It'll probably be my last chance to gain admission into the degree. What have i got to show for those 3 years? Nothing.

If I'm not admitted into the medicine cohort, what have i got to show for those 3 years? nothing. What ever happened to that bright and early start of university i had? I've wasted it on doing nothing much at all. I don't even have a 6-pack for all the effort i put in at the gym and I've been working out for 2 years now!

All this isn't to say i don't know what i need to do. I need to stop finding excuses, pick myself up and bloody get back on track. It just sucks that I'm getting older with nothing much to show for the time I've spent growing older.

Has anyone else felt similar to this? It's depressing. If you have how did you force yourself out of this slump? I'd love to hear your experiences and how you overcame it.

 

[Rho]

Hey man don't despair too much I have a similar story, we can be friends!
I ****ed my first two years of university and then in the third I failed almost everything and had to go in front of a board of academics to keep my arse in school.
Added to this stress was the fact that I had spun a web of lies to my parents, who I am living with, that I was doing supremo in uni (and they are total hardarses). The wait for my letter from the university telling me whether I am able to continue was the most stressful period in my life.

That sh1t has a way of getting your arse into action. This semester I am averaging 90+ in my subjects but I still feel like a loser because I am a year older than the others.
However, I have spoken to many peeps in my classes and found that actually quite a few fked their degrees and have taken 5-6 years to do a 3 year degree. Many people took a year off to help in deciding the direction of their lives, so maybe you should consider that?

I wanna juxtapose this with my dads life. He went to uni, got his masters in chemistry and pretty much used it for nothing, became a teacher. When he turned 40 he started having some midlife crisis and changed jobs from teacher to carpenter. In the eight years since he has become a builder and is now starting a project building 20 houses (his own), thats a sh1tload! Doubled networth every year since he became a builder.

My conclusions, stop thinking of your life in terms of others expectations (parents, classmates) and start doing stuff for yourself. A few years fked over now wont mean sh1t in 20 years time.

 

[search1ng]

Hey Rho, thanks!

My parents are also total hardasses and think I'm doing very well in university. I know in 20 years time most of this stuff won't even matter but it's so hard to just shrug off 19 years worth of 'expectations.' Still, doing so craptastically in university has given me motivation to at least do a lot better, i just hate the fact its taken me so long to understand this. Again, i guess I'm comparing myself again but it's hard not to sometimes... I'm given a wonderful environment to study and succeed in and I've squandered it away on nothing! Hell, if i had some ripped body or some 'uber' character on some online game at least i'd still have something to show for the time.

Anyway, i guess the point is to man up and do what needs to be done because crying about it won't change anything. Thanks for your side of the story Rho, it really cheered me up