What REALLY causes Oneitis?

[Cheeks]

I never get oneitis for women that I have known only briefly, or women that I just see around from time to time.

Even women that I've approached and been rejected by, I just brush it off.

However, there is nothing quite like the oneitis I caught after losing a girl in a LTR. I'm not even sure if oneitis is the right term, but it certainly is a crippling and debilitating feeling that is at least comparable to oneitis.

 

[yuppaz]

There is some really good information in this thread. I think that the core and sole reason for any of this is the following:

Trying to fill a void inside of yourself from outside of yourself.

You go about this long enough and eventually you realize that nobody can fill that hole, and btw the bigger the hold the worse the women you attract will be. The best "PUA's" in the world can bang a zillion dimes and they will STILL feel incomplete! You eventually learn that there is no way to fix your issues outside yourself (women, drugs, alcohol, money, success, cool stuff, friends, hobbies etc. etc. ) and you start working on your own happiness for you, then one day you find that you are happy with who you are and how you live your life and women will swarm to you. The sooner that you start looking inward for your fulfillment the sooner the process will take place. I hope someone reads this and learns from it. I know far too many people seeking their fulfillment outside themselves and no matter of success ever makes them happy. Some (maybe most) people live their entire lives like that, living mildly unhappy lives when they could be ecstatically happy, content and fulfilled if only they knew how and why. I credit an idea from this site for looking in the right direction for myself.

 

[metoo]

I was crazy about a woman for nearly 30 years, even tho I knew perfectly well she was plain and not worth a hoot, really. Incompetent in the extreme. It was an ego thing, I wanted to take her from her husband. i finally got over it a few years ago, and man am I ever GLAD.

 

[TopGun2000]

There is some really good information in this thread. I think that the core and sole reason for any of this is the following:

Trying to fill a void inside of yourself from outside of yourself.

You go about this long enough and eventually you realize that nobody can fill that hole, and btw the bigger the hold the worse the women you attract will be. The best "PUA's" in the world can bang a zillion dimes and they will STILL feel incomplete! You eventually learn that there is no way to fix your issues outside yourself (women, drugs, alcohol, money, success, cool stuff, friends, hobbies etc. etc. ) and you start working on your own happiness for you, then one day you find that you are happy with who you are and how you live your life and women will swarm to you. The sooner that you start looking inward for your fulfillment the sooner the process will take place. I hope someone reads this and learns from it. I know far too many people seeking their fulfillment outside themselves and no matter of success ever makes them happy. Some (maybe most) people live their entire lives like that, living mildly unhappy lives when they could be ecstatically happy, content and fulfilled if only they knew how and why. I credit an idea from this site for looking in the right direction for myself.

well said :rockon:

 

[floydb25]

Yuppaz: Yes... This is why players and jerks are so unhappy. They're looking for everything else to make them happy. They get infatuated, have the thrill of the chase, get sex.. all temporary, shallow feelings. Likewise with drugs and alcohol.

It's all the same, really. Just different sides to the same coin. Same underlying issues and insecurities as the nice guys.

I used to know guys and girls who would sleep with everyone, and focus on all these temporary fixes, and shallow things... They were all depressed to the point of being suicidal. Gorgeous people who had anyone they wanted, but never felt any love or happiness.

 

[st_99]

Some good responses so far, i think they are all valid and there are different degrees of oneitis, some more severe than others. I think its true, if you're experiencing a severe case most likely your self worth is lacking in some respect or you are not at all
confident in the dating world.

 

[YouKnowI'mRight]

Is it just a lack of options?

Or is it more than that?

It's feeling that the other person makes you valuable/wanted/likable.

ie: how you feel about yourself has been put off on them and is supposedly their responsibility

This is normal and healthy for a young child to be this way with mom.

 

[Zarky]

Fear of death

 

[YouKnowI'mRight]

Fear of death

At the very deepest level, that's absolutely true. People who attach things like being valued/liked/wanted to their physical survival end up with shaitloads of imaginary Fear Of Death that feels 100% real but it's not, it's an illusion.

We've all done this many many times when we were children. Not getting a pony for Christmas can make a child feel like he's dying and in fact s/he'll often verbalize it. The same with a young boy who's status is knocked down by someone in front of his friends on the playground. His mind thinks he's dying and he gets lots of anger about the past event as well as anxiety it will happen again....Fear Of Death.

All anger is fear you're dying because of something that's happened (imaginary or not). (it's not dying NOW, there's always at least a 1/2 second delay consciously)

All anxiety is fear you're going to die because of something that's (imaginary or not) happening in the future.

At the deepest level, women are attracted to guys who are In The Moment because he's not afraid of death. It's irresistibly attractive to them in fact no matter what a woman consciously things, rationalizes, and says.

 

[Zarky]

^^^ that's a very good, insightful writeup

 

[st_99]

At the very deepest level, that's absolutely true. People who attach things like being valued/liked/wanted to their physical survival end up with shaitloads of imaginary Fear Of Death that feels 100% real but it's not, it's an illusion.

We've all done this many many times when we were children. Not getting a pony for Christmas can make a child feel like he's dying and in fact s/he'll often verbalize it. The same with a young boy who's status is knocked down by someone in front of his friends on the playground. His mind thinks he's dying and he gets lots of anger about the past event as well as anxiety it will happen again....Fear Of Death.

All anger is fear you're dying because of something that's happened (imaginary or not). (it's not dying NOW, there's always at least a 1/2 second delay consciously)

All anxiety is fear you're going to die because of something that's (imaginary or not) happening in the future.

At the deepest level, women are attracted to guys who are In The Moment because he's not afraid of death. It's irresistibly attractive to them in fact no matter what a woman consciously things, rationalizes, and says.

I like what you wrote about being a child and thinking you were literally going to die if you didn't get that thing you wanted. haha
thats pretty funny and true because i remember it clear as day! damn, so oneitis is basically just us acting like a big baby. never really thought about it that way but it makes sense.

 

[st_99]

Let's synthesize what everyone is saying here. There are several good points:

I think what oneitis ultimately comes from is some form of personal insecurity. It can result from feeling inferior to, unworthy of, or incapable of continuing to sustain the attraction of the given female.

First - I am not good enough

[/B]

insightful, well written. nice job.

 

[Tryndul]

Man. I really needed to read this thread.

I'm not sure my situation of a LTR (almost 6 years) breakup is simply 'oneitis' but it does share a lot of the same characteristics and my behavior toward the entire thing was similar.

Thanks for the awesome insight.

 

[YouKnowI'mRight]

I like what you wrote about being a child and thinking you were literally going to die if you didn't get that thing you wanted. haha
thats pretty funny and true because i remember it clear as day! damn, so oneitis is basically just us acting like a big baby. never really thought about it that way but it makes sense.

All I did was "What is this an example of"? (move up 1 level of abstraction)
And "What is another example of this (that anyone could relate to)"? (look for an example on the same level as the issue)
Describe the lateral example with a few senses involved and a decent description so the person can FEEL it. (use a metaphor/story if the person is stubborn/close-minded)

It's awesome for figuring things out as well as explaining them.

Can't say I invented it, it's part of the NLP Metamodel.

Use it on yourself for best results.