What makes a person great in conversation/social life?

[SayWhat]

This has to be my greatest fallacy, I'm not great in conversation or social life (difficult making friends).


I've never found clear answers to the following questions and hope some of you can guide me or point me to must read books.

1. How he/she says stuff?

We all know people who can talk to everyone and who everyone likes.

We like certain people more than others and not just because of shared interests, but just because the person is easier in conversation.

How does this person achieve this? What tips, tricks, words does he use?

2. Body language.

Gestures or stance?

Of course crossing your arms is a no go, but what else are great tips of making someone like you more just because of your body language, stance or gestures?

3. What he says?

I once read what you say only matters for 20%, the other 80% is your body language. I tend to believe this is true, but there is still this 20%. What are subjects you must talk about, what do you have to say?

 

[amazingswayze]

It's easy, just practice

This has to be my greatest fallacy, I'm not great in conversation or social life (difficult making friends).


I've never found clear answers to the following questions and hope some of you can guide me or point me to must read books.

1. How he/she says stuff?

With Confidence.

2. Body language.

With Confidence.

3. What he says?

Entertaining subject matter?
Be fun.

Practice new techniques until they feel natural!

 

[DrivingBackwards]

You need to practice a lot and be willing to fail... a lot. I'm not naturally good at communicating with people but I think I've managed to get a pretty good handle at it.

You also need to be able to honestly judge yourself in an unbiased way. Confide in a close friend that you wish to be more effective at socializing and would appreciate any constructive criticism he could give you. You know you have a good friend if he is the kind of guy who will tell you that you have a booger hanging from you nose.

Some things you can do:

1. Study Tom Cruise. This guy is a sociopath but a very effective communicator. Look at his facial expressions, tone inflection, how he responds to certain questions, eye contact, etc.

2. Practice in a way that gives you feedback. Either by taping yourself on your phone and playing it back. Or you could do something as simple as trying different way to communicate with cashiers. See what happens when you flash a big smile at the cashier versus being flat an non-expressive.

3. Get a second job in retail. This is a good way to get constant exposure to communicating with others. It is a nice way to micro-practice.

4. Read the newspaper or news in general! That can give you tons of ways to control the flow of the conversation.

For example, you can talk about how North Korea just decided to create their own timezone for ****s and giggles. Then you could make a comment about how its really interesting how many different cultures develop in the world. Then once you're on that subject you can ask about traveling. See how reading a simple news story can be spun?

5. Practice, practice, practice. Remember, though, practice does not make perfect. Practice makes permanent. You need to always be adjusting you technique.

6. Realize that you might never be a natural but you can certainly be a lot better than you are now. So don't even bother getting upset that you're not Mr. Life-of-the-Party. It's just not you. Just focus on being better than you were yesterday.

Hope this helps.

 

[Alvafe]

one easy way to start is ask questions and let the person talk, people like you more when you are just listening, this is a nice way to get some extra info too.

the rest is practice, stay relaxed and keep talking with people

 

[ubercat]

Being an introvert by nature I m fighting same battle. Some simple material I can remember out is: Marnie. OSA
Observation hey this curved bar is cool. I like the way it take your eye across the room
Sharing reminds me of this bad in...
Ask. What's the coolest bar u ve gone to

Then intro yourself and shake. Hang onto the hand a bit too long and eye contact to avoid fz

Then google on gambler s stuff on building rapport works easier for shy guys. U don't need more than this to start. So now hit big convention s. Local markets big dept stores practice on the hired guns. Next OLD for practice. This is how I m starting. Go getem tiger.

 

[Poon King]

Most socially awkward people are hyper sensitive to the approval of others. THAT is the problem.

First.. approve of yourself. This confidence will make you less awkward, timid and gay in public. Trying to become an actor for the sake of fitting in socially is the ultimate height of self-hatred.

In the end.. people don't give a sh!t how strange you are. They care ONLY what you offer them. If you have something to offer.. people will like you. PERIOD. Look at people like Michael Jackson, Prince, Marilyn Manson, etc.

Approve of yourself first. Then everything else will fall in place. Confidence is the sexiest personality trait known to man. So obviously, lack of confidence is repulsive.

 

[sph21]

What you're asking takes lots of practices. Learning how to listen properly is painful to master at the beginning but you will reap the rewards in the end.

1. How he/she says stuff?
+
2. Body language.

Use your body and voice tone to deliver your message to others. Words are not enough to create a great connection with others. Be expressive and use your whole body to communicate.

3. What he says?
Never speak ill of others. It's a hard thing to do but a must-do if you really want to be considered as a charming/ charismatic person. Learn from the world's most charming/ charismatic persons of how the deliver their messages.

Women love to feel emotions. Any emotions. Use this to your advantage. You can talk almost anything with them and it can always be a fun experience if you really know what you're doing at the moment.

If you wanna know more about how to make a great conversation, read DJBible Step 7: Conversation

 

[zekko]

Looking at people who are good at conversation, they seem to have some mix of these traits:

1) They are genuinely, eagerly interested in the people they are talking to.
2) They genuinely seem to want or need the attention of the people they are talking to
3) They may have some sort of large ego that requires them to dominate the conversation
4) They have a lot of interesting stories, life experiences, skills, or knowledge.

An example of the latter might be "Oh, you're buying a car? Here's what I know about negotiation/financing/that model of car, etc". Their ego may convince them that they have valuable information to impart, or they may genuinely want to help. Either way, the result is the same.

One thing that holds me back socially is that I don't usually find most people that interesting. There has to be something about them that interests me, or I generally don't care to interact with them, lol. The more people that you can genuinely find interesting, the more social you will be.

 

[BrainDamage92]

Nothing. Understand, fuk em all, if you want to keep quiet, keep quiet, if you want to say something, say something, dont think about it, as a kid I was like that, I had the most awesome jokes in my mind but missed the moment to tell them couse I was thinking too much about other people's opinions.


Fuk em all.

Also, this body language thingy is true, I work at a hotel reception, was looking at a camera recording of myself once (I had lost a key or smth), so I noticed when talking to a client my hands were moving all the time, something I never thought I was doing.

But generally fuk em all and do your thing. If youre introverted, then so be it, peeps are different thats what makes life interesting. If any mofo tries to make fun of you because youre not very social punch him in the face - simple.

 

[Reykhel]

This has to be my greatest fallacy, I'm not great in conversation or social life (difficult making friends).


I've never found clear answers to the following questions and hope some of you can guide me or point me to must read books.

1. How he/she says stuff?

We all know people who can talk to everyone and who everyone likes.

We like certain people more than others and not just because of shared interests, but just because the person is easier in conversation.

How does this person achieve this? What tips, tricks, words does he use?

2. Body language.

Gestures or stance?

Of course crossing your arms is a no go, but what else are great tips of making someone like you more just because of your body language, stance or gestures?

3. What he says?

I once read what you say only matters for 20%, the other 80% is your body language. I tend to believe this is true, but there is still this 20%. What are subjects you must talk about, what do you have to say?

This has to be my greatest fallacy, I'm not great in conversation or social life (difficult making friends). This is a negative belief that needs reframing asap


I've never found clear answers to the following questions and hope some of you can guide me or point me to must read books.

1. How he/she says stuff?

We all know people who can talk to everyone and who everyone likes. This is another false belief: There is nobody that everybody likes.

We like certain people more than others and not just because of shared interests, but just because the person is easier in conversation.

How does this person achieve this? What tips, tricks, words does he use?

2. Body language.

Gestures or stance?

Of course crossing your arms is a no go, but what else are great tips of making someone like you more just because of your body language, stance or gestures?

3. What he says?

I once read what you say only matters for 20%, the other 80% is your body language. I tend to believe this is true, but there is still this 20%. What are subjects you must talk about, what do you have to say?

I'm not great in conversation and social is a negative inner belief that manifests itself in your physical world and thus becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Let's REFRAME the fvck out of it. How about 'I'm becoming more comfortable in social situations" or/and "I'm becoming better and more at ease in conversations with both men and women"

When your negative belief pops into your head say "Idea bad, idea gone" (thanks David D) and pop in one of your new positive beliefs.

You will feel a "friction" while your reframing because the new thoughts are not actually true yet.....but they will slowly start physically manifesting in your reality.....in small incremental shifts.

Then...
1. Be interested in people....ask questions and use their answers to ask more questions. (but you don't want it to be an interrogation so bring yourself into the questions too...) example do you think I'd like that? questions: what do you do? wow cool, did you always want to be a lion tamer? yeah? so that was your childhood dream? and you fulfilled it, cool. You think I'd make a good lion tamer? you get the idea...threads are opening all the time. Relax and go with the flow.

2. Be interesting....hopefully you have interesting hobbies and passions. Talk about them too. Be excited about your life!!! If your not excited about your life why would anyone else be.

Those things said: some people recommend the 70/30 rule. be interested 70% of the time and interesting 30% with regards to conversations...

...of course there's another school of thought that says the Alpha man only talks about things that interest him....but one step at a time.

Another tip is if your at social gatherings and your making conversations...it could be a good idea to note down (phone) some small details of names and hobbies. Then the next time you see those people "oh hey Rob, how's the guitar coming along" , "hey Kate, how was your interview"

What the Poon King said about approval seeking is spot on. It's the ruiner of people. Know that you cannot please all of the people all of the time, in fact more than likely 50% of the people are going to disagree with you 50% of the time, so it's futile trying to gain approval. What you get with approval seeking people is a wishy washy character who essentially you cannot take seriously......oddly enough as a consequence of not seeking approval you will probably gain it.

 

[TheMagician]

1) If you say this she will ***.
I'm one of those people you described. Just do it. Nothing comes naturally unless you do them through repetition. Don't emulate movies, just watch real people like you described and emulate them. I run out of things to say too. Don't get me wrong, I listen more. I've just came to the realization over the years that no matter how charming or interesting I am I'm just not going to have something to say that's interesting to everyone. I've had women straight staring at me on the metro. To me it's clear they like the way I look, but once I say Hi some of them clam up. chances are she liked the way I look but felt self conscious about something I'm not aware of. I just remain polite and act like a gentleman and go back to listening to my tunes.


2)Body language
You've sort of got this backwards. At first you need to learn body language before you can manipulate it. It's a language and no language can be spoken until you know the vocabulary. Start by reading "The definitive guide to body language" by Alan Peas and wife also read "Influence: Science and Practice" - Robert Cialdini
The book Influence will help you learn how to protect yourself from manipulation and tricks/cons. However this will also give you a perspective on how to manipulate. Use it wisely. Personally I never throw body language, but will use my knowledge to correct negative signals I'm sending. At first you will need to learn how to read clusters of body language to make a determination. Personally I only use this to look for signals of interest in women. Mystery covers a lot of those IOI's in his material. The book The definitive guide to body language has a whole section on Sex signals. It's pretty good I must say, but read the whole book or you won't get it. one move isn't enough you need to read "clusters" of body language to get an understanding.

But again just be yourself or you will come across as unnatural and people will think you're weird. Subtle is best, and using body language is best to interpret if approach is welcomed and how something was received. There is more but that's enough for now, read those books more than once.

Oh and before you worry about body language try to get a dress style. Look at older men. Women like them because older men dress well and that gives them an excuse to talk to the man. Women usually dress with three articles of clothing and some flair. Do the same things without peacocking. I have long hair (well-kempt), and I also wear a Celtic knot, Egyptian Ankh, or some other type of necklace and make sure it can be seen when I'm dressed up. There is a ton of Nonverbal language that is conveyed by your clothing. If a chick is a punk she may not like a guy in a A&F anything.... dress like your targets is good but not necessary.

3. What he says?
I think you're remembering that wrong. The 80/20 principle is from economics. However it applies to most things in life. I first learned about the 80/20 principle from Tim Ferris in the book "The 4-hour work week" read it and free your life.

The principle is that 80% of your successes will come from 20% of your sources. and 80% of your failures will come from 20% of your sources as well. The middle (or the other 60%) is a waste of time. Granted that is true in a way with women but only the first part. In Business he's trying to say that if 80% of your success is in one place then focus on that because your time is worth MONEY. While you hone it you can add more later.

I never buy that my body language conveys more than 20%- 50% of communication because I can't body language you a math equation. It really depends on the person and if someone is so picky that how I was standing when I said what ever is a problem then I'm not going to be around that person. That's just people over thinking crap.



Clear your mind.....

too bad the ebook killed the book store. I used to get a slaying by working in book stores and Cafes. oh and I don't care what people think about me. I just do what I want. I stay polite, but that's just my style.

I had to move back in with my father when I was 21, it was an embarrassment of mine but no one knew that. When I met a chick and we were out having a good time I'd just say "you can spend the night if you want. I have bunk beds, but I'm on top!" I was just thinking "It worked for Tom Hanks in the movie BIG, maybe it would work for me. It did at least 4 or 5 times. When the chick came over to spend the night and saw I actually had bunk beds It got a HUGE laugh! and I got laid..... Part of it was because I was direct, but the fact I wasn't lying gave her an excuse to come over. Embarrassment and metal pain are funny. Most jokes reveal some sort of pain. Owning it shows strength and confidence. Plus I was only being playful and talking about a slumber party.... LOL