What is the expected success rate at college bars?

[analyticparalytic]

College senior here. Finally grew a pair and made about 10 (pitiful, I know) approaches last night with my wing who is just as inexperienced as me. It was a bloodbath, we were getting blown out left right and center, and it really threw us off so we took a lot of time to lick our wounds between sets. My openers were generally complimenting something specific about their outfits, cold reading their ethnicity, asking if we had a certain class together.

I'd say about 5 of them refused to even look me in the eye and gave the shortest possible answer to all my questions, just zero initial interest. Is there anything I can do here to salvage these or do I literally just need to walk away and start the next set?

And second question, is getting blown out to be expected a significant proportion (50%+) of the time or am I not as attractive as I think I am? I keep getting really confused because all of my friends say I'm objectively attractive. I'm 5'10" and have been going to the gym extremely consistently since freshman year. Strangers (off the top of my head: old ladies, random gay guys, dudes I meet at hostels) often call me attractive. Just last week I went shopping with my stylist friend and spent way too much money on clothes to update my wardrobe. And yet, the cold approaches are giving me nothing.

The rest of the approaches were just sort of polite conversation. The topic always ends up at work or school or where they're from and I tease them for their major or geographic stereotypes or whatever but the conversation always end up platonic. I keep searching girls' eyes for that spark of "oh he's cute" and flirting during conversation and did not see a single IOI last night.

So basically, asking for my own sanity, how many approaches should I expect to do at a college bar before getting into a set that goes anywhere? How many blowouts? What do I do if there aren't any IOIs initially based on my looks?

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

Is there anything I can do here to salvage these

No, low interest is low interest.

And second question, is getting blown out to be expected a significant proportion (50%+) of the time or am I not as attractive as I think I am? I keep getting really confused because all of my friends say I'm objectively attractive. I'm 5'10" and have been going to the gym extremely consistently since freshman year. Strangers (off the top of my head: old ladies, random gay guys, dudes I meet at hostels) often call me attractive.

Yes. I have the same experience with compliments from strangers and people I know even in my mid 30s. Funny you mention old ladies too as I actually think that can be a really good indicator of your attractiveness. I had an old lady the other day tell me I looked like a movie star and she was obviously not trying to get anything out of it but wanted to give someone a sincere compliment without an ulterior motive which old men do with younger women too though they get labelled creepy.

Anyway back onto your point. In my early 20s I literally walked by a woman at a bar and hear her say say "omg you're so attractive" with puppy dog eyes, and she gave me her # and came over to my a couple weeks later. In that same period in my life, at any given time, a good chunk of % of my approaches led to rejection, easily over 50% probably like 90-95%. Over the years this number became much lower and at one point I only did 1 or 2 in a single night but they would almost always lead to #s and dates because I emphasized quality over quantity (and by that I don't mean quality of women but quality of the entire interaction, which has many variables not just IOIs but things like reading the room and recognizing your own mental state, etc) though some may say that quantity matters and it's a numbers game, but that's only true if sheer volume is needed to compensate.

I keep searching girls' eyes for that spark of "oh he's cute" and flirting during conversation and did not see a single IOI last night.

This is a mindset problem. Women sniff this out a mile away. It's one of their better qualities, reading social cues, it's basically their only real superpower. If you go out with the intention of looking for IOIs or even go out with the intention to "meet women" it will become self-defeating (and no, you can't hide this). Personally, I don't find approaching for the sake of approaching to have ANY value whatsoever in 2024, especially at bars. It's much better to go about your day doing things you already wanted to do in places you want to be, and talk to women incidentally, ie the gym, grocery stores, parks, whatever. If you go out to a bar or club do it because you want to with your buddy and don't even talk about women and put them out of your mind. A couple quick stories: #1 Few years back I was at a bar with my friend just bored and not really intending to get laid (didn't have condoms). I saw a group of women sitting at a table and hadn't even done an approach let alone gotten laid in a long time. I went up and calmly & slowly grabbed a chair and sat down on it while making eye contact and started talking to all of them. Among them was this blonde chick who was a legit 9/10 and before long I was giving her a piggyback ride to a bar and we made out in the bar and later she bought me dinner and I went back to her place...why? Because I wasn't trying to make anything happen or being outcome dependant by looking for IOIs (it's good to act or even rely on IOIs but actively looking for them is a huge mistake). #2 In my early 20s I went out solo and got drunk and basically said "i'm going to approach women and I don't give two shvts what happens." You can tell yourself you don't care all day but there's a difference between not caring and saying you don't care and tbh I'm not sure how to cultivate that on a whim...sometimes it just happens and that's about recognizing your mental states. Anyway I literally did 1 single approach and went up to a girl at a bar with her friend and started basically groping her and got her # and she too came over to my place a week or two later and it was because I had sheer indifference rather than a thirsty and validation seeking attitude.

To add to this, when you're out and about in normal everyday environments and not looking or expecting anything from women, you will get IOIs and small windows where a women basically subtly invites you to make a move. Just know you must act FAST because that window is small. I do actually find these situations more intimidating than doing the mindless approach robot style that you alluded to, because you they're high pressure, spontaneous situations and the fear of succeeding is actually more anxiety-provoking than a rejection in this context because a rejection means it's over and done, but if they actually like you, you are then faced with the task of escalating and not fvcking up an opportunity that jumps on your lap. Basically the skill here is called "killer instinct" ie having the skill to recognize opportunities and act on them spontaneously. It's a completely different skillset and mentality from normal, high volume approaches, and it's something I absolutely struggle with nowadays and have thrown away opportunities (you can read about them here I've posted 3 but it's happened several more times) and it's quite painful...so just be aware. Robotic spam approaches are low investment though and can be good for at least learning some of the basic skills and inner game without much disappointment or guilt.

Oh and a quick tip I find helps...never bring condoms with you, even on dates, and especially not when going out in general. I genuinely think carrying condoms puts you in this weird mental space where you are suddenly hoping to get to use them. If you don't bring them and don't put much care into your appearance (just enough to be presentable) you may find women suddenly treat you very differently. They love when men aren't thirsty or validation seeking, and simple things like that really can set you apart.

 

[Travel memoir21]

College Bars are just a great way to hang out with your friend to have fun. If you’re having fun the girls will see that, and gravitate towards your group.


Anyways, but bars are generally not a top notch place to meet women anyways. You want to be going to Parks, grocery stores, hobby groups, church or any other type of social circle you may have.


Just be busy, living your life and let it come to you.
Did I mention Parks are an underrated place to meet women?

 

[BPH]

I made this post not long ago, if you have time I'd suggest giving it a read: https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/how-to-really-get-girls.282763/

There are too many factors to list EXACTLY what you should do, so I'll just bullet point some suggestions:

• Go later rather than earlier. Girls that are at the bar early are usually semi-sober with friends and using it as a free pregame for a party later on. The girls that are there 1-2 hours before close are USUALLY single and more open to making plans afterward with you.
• Don't use a wing, especially if he sucks too. You don't need a support group to talk to a woman, and more often than not they won't properly read the room, or may even become your competition. If a girl is concerned about why you're alone, you can mention that you're with X friend waiting for you in X part of the bar or something, but most of the time they won't care and may even be impressed you had the balls to approach them by yourself.
• Flirt, you're there to f*** her, not be her friend. I usually open with some variation of "hey I thought you were gorgeous and had to come say hi, what's your name?" Don't talk to her about school or work - she's at the bar to NOT think about those things. Spell it out that you're attracted to her, and see how she reacts.
• Social circles matter. You'll have a better experience approaching girls when there are fewer of them in a group. Most women will not want to appear "slutty" or overly eager, even if she's very attracted to you, because she's worried about how her actions will be perceived by her peers. The best-case scenario involves her being alone, which is rare, but allows her to react genuinely when it comes to whether or not she's interested. Another consideration is to not approach every attractive girl you see at the bar with the same lines because you WILL develop a reputation this way - have standards and don't double-dip in the same friend group.
• Save the PDA (public display of affection) for later. This does not mean you CAN kiss her at the bar if you both are really hitting it off, but most women will save this for later, as per the point above.
• Try to have fun. When you're wondering what to do or say to these women, just think about what would be the most fun. Take a shot with her, invite her out on the dance floor, go in for the kiss, whatever feels like a natural progression. Don't just sit there in the corner looking for conversation topics when she's wearing full-makeup, her best push-up bra, her tightest clothes, wondering whether you're going to make a move.

That's about all I have off the top of my head.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

So basically, asking for my own sanity, how many approaches should I expect to do at a college bar before getting into a set that goes anywhere? How many blowouts?

With your current experience level, I'd say about 169 approaches, and 375 blowouts.

What do I do if there aren't any IOIs initially based on my looks?

Become attractive.

 

[inquisitor]

College senior here. Finally grew a pair and made about 10 (pitiful, I know) approaches last night with my wing who is just as inexperienced as me. It was a bloodbath, we were getting blown out left right and center, and it really threw us off so we took a lot of time to lick our wounds between sets. My openers were generally complimenting something specific about their outfits, cold reading their ethnicity, asking if we had a certain class together.

I'd say about 5 of them refused to even look me in the eye and gave the shortest possible answer to all my questions, just zero initial interest. Is there anything I can do here to salvage these or do I literally just need to walk away and start the next set?

And second question, is getting blown out to be expected a significant proportion (50%+) of the time or am I not as attractive as I think I am? I keep getting really confused because all of my friends say I'm objectively attractive. I'm 5'10" and have been going to the gym extremely consistently since freshman year. Strangers (off the top of my head: old ladies, random gay guys, dudes I meet at hostels) often call me attractive. Just last week I went shopping with my stylist friend and spent way too much money on clothes to update my wardrobe. And yet, the cold approaches are giving me nothing.

The rest of the approaches were just sort of polite conversation. The topic always ends up at work or school or where they're from and I tease them for their major or geographic stereotypes or whatever but the conversation always end up platonic. I keep searching girls' eyes for that spark of "oh he's cute" and flirting during conversation and did not see a single IOI last night.

So basically, asking for my own sanity, how many approaches should I expect to do at a college bar before getting into a set that goes anywhere? How many blowouts? What do I do if there aren't any IOIs initially based on my looks?

You seem to be lacking in social skills, including understanding introductory cues. Situate first near a girl you like. Check if she has someone with her. Gauge the room and her interests based solely on how she presents herself and how she interacts with other people. Ask yourself, do you really want her? What is she wearing? How does she speak? Wait for her to see you first before you open, or not at all - just be in the periphery. Ignore her for a while. Wait for an interesting moment. Then surprise her with a first impression that you had thought through. Ensure that whatever you have said, she smiles afterward. Now you're in.

 

[parabellum]

You seem to be lacking in social skills, including understanding introductory cues. Situate first near a girl you like. Check if she has someone with her. Gauge the room and her interests based solely on how she presents herself and how she interacts with other people. Ask yourself, do you really want her? What is she wearing? How does she speak? Wait for her to see you first before you open, or not at all - just be in the periphery. Ignore her for a while. Wait for an interesting moment. Then surprise her with a first impression that you had thought through. Ensure that whatever you have said, she smiles afterward. Now you're in.

For what is worth it. If the girl thinks you’re or look “creepy-ish” you’re done. If the girl thinks you’re attractive she’ll cut you some slack proportional to your attractiveness. Hence I second AA advice of becoming attractive. There’s plenty of material in SS to get going on that.

Secondly, I agree with BHP MOA, I don’t think it’ll do you any good to lurk before approaching, and once you do it be direct. This becomes important if you’re alone vs not alone. Not alone you have the option of just chilling chat etc. IMO Being alone you really need to be comfortable in your own skin, almost like you own the bar and are just having a drink to people-watch and be amused by the childish behavior of your customers. Therefore you’re outcome independent , in addition to time constrained because you must have important stuff to do other than permitting yourself some amusing time. As the owner of the bar you can always come back and have fun later.

 

[inquisitor]

If the girl thinks you’re or look “creepy-ish” you’re done. If the girl thinks you’re attractive she’ll cut you some slack proportional to your attractiveness. Hence I second AA advice of becoming attractive. There’s plenty of material in SS to get going on that.

I'd have to agree. Some girls just don't like you, and the girls who COULD like you more, will definitely be swayed more to your advances the more you improve on your looks.

Secondly, I agree with BHP MOA, I don’t think it’ll do you any good to lurk before approaching, and once you do it be direct. This becomes important if you’re alone vs not alone. Not alone you have the option of just chilling chat etc. IMO Being alone you really need to be comfortable in your own skin, almost like you own the bar and are just having a drink to people-watch and be amused by the childish behavior of your customers. Therefore you’re outcome independent , in addition to time constrained because you must have important stuff to do other than permitting yourself some amusing time. As the owner of the bar you can always come back and have fun later.

That kind of bar owner mindset is a good one to use, although internal arrogance must first be beat, and one must also be calm and collected instead of lost and wandering, hence the responsibility of the man to know what he wants first, or at least have an idea of what he wants, before pushing through with any sort of approach.

This is still regardless of outcome - if he knows what he wants and does not get it, then either his wants must be reviewed, or his approach must be adjusted, or today is simply not yet his time. If he gets it, well, that's the aim, and good for him.