what is my problem? bit of a novel sorry

[LimeSlush]

Hey guys, I'm gonna explain a bit about my situation and hope I can get some insight into what the hell my problem is. So I've been with my girl for just over 2 years. We went through a long stretch of about a year where the sex was a problem, it kinda fell off a cliff for her but we're much better now, I'd still like it more but I'm content. Anyway I feel like I'm self sabotaging my relationship and I don't know if it's because of past relationships or something else but I'll quickly summarize.

First gf was when I was 19. It was here I was naive and trusted completely. This lasted 5 months and in that time I'm sure she cheated because there was a few nights she never came home from a girls night and after telling me she had ran into her ex at a party and wanted to go for coffee with him to discuss feelings, I went through her phone and found a lot of stuff that I should of dumped her over. Anyway, that's where a bit of my trust issue comes from.

Second gf was from the time I was about 20 to about 24 I think. It was a 3.5 year relationship. She was extremely jealous and controlling. She always had to have notes or small gifts to feel loved or appreciated and HATED this one girl friend of mine. She constantly went through my phone and my Internet history but would always send me texts about how much she loved me and all these words of affirmation etc. I caught this one on twitter planning a coffee with some guy behind my back and we ended up breaking up after a lot of fights for years about how I was going to cheat and everything.

Now, im 28. I've been with this one two years. When we first met I was talking to quite a few girls but not many real dates. Went on a couple with her and I was hesitant to commit as I was having fun. We started sleeping together even tho I told her I wasn't ready to be in a relationship just yet. During this time she'd come over and then we'd have sex go to a movie then she'd go home or occasionally sleep over. Either way, the next day or later that night she'd text me about how amazing she thought I was, or if I was having a bad day she couldn't wait to give me head to cheer me up. This kinda thing continued till about 8 months in, then it slowed down as well as the sex and then it pretty well disappeared. The sex we slowly worked on and it's good but doesn't happen as much as I'd like. She still tells me she thinks I'm sexy every now and then or I'm handsome but not to the same extent. But the thing is I get hung up on that for some reason? Like if she isn't constantly telling me that stuff I get nervous she's losing interest. We both put on a bit of weight but in the last 2 months I've lost a great deal of it but my confidence hasn't gone up much. I have these fears she's going to end up texting guys behind my back like my past gfs and I also bring up how I buy her flowers out of the blue or something else thoughtful but she never does that for me, aside from b days, Christmas, or anniversaries. I don't know if this is also from my second relationship or not. In the last little while I've been pushing to move in together and she says she wants to but will never bring it up and I get frustrated like I'm the only one thinking about a future together. She says shes nervous to move in together, she doesn't know what things are going to be like for us. She's been really stressed about work and she's currently really trying to find something else but I don't know how much that's going to change. She's a really calm, uncontrolling girlfriend who will always listen and I'm deeply in love with her. I just need an outside perspective on what I'm being ridiculous about and maybe what I'm being reasonable about. I don't want to completely mess this up

 

[LimeSlush]

I also feel embarrassed that I've gotten emotional in front of her about it when she is never emotional about it. I don't know how much damage I've done by having to ask her if she is still interested or if shes lost interest. She says she doesn't see me any different but I don't know how much I believe of that

 

[ubercat]

You have to back off a bit. Not make yourself so available. And start doing things you're interested in solo - don't negotiate it - say I felt like trying this. sounds like you're hanging out together too much - she's going to end up treating you like a room mate/shopping friend/chick. As for sex - make it a little rough or outdoors - anything that shakes it up. Sure the internet has a few ideas ;-)

 

[MachiavelliAlpha]

Sounds like she's just trying to take it slow. If you don't want to mess it up disappear for a bit, then when you come back mirror her affection and pace. Don't be so clingy exert your independence. Dont worry if shes still into you or not... Keep the state of mind that you're the prize, always assume and value yourself without coming off as arrogant or ****y.

 

[LiveFreeX]

I've been pushing to move in together and she says she wants to but will never bring it up and I get frustrated like I'm the only one thinking about a future together.

She says shes nervous to move in together, she doesn't know what things are going to be like for us.

She's been really stressed about work and she's currently really trying to find something else but I don't know how much that's going to change.

She's a really calm, uncontrolling girlfriend who will always listen and I'm deeply in love with her. I just need an outside perspective on what I'm being ridiculous about and maybe what I'm being reasonable about. I don't want to completely mess this up

I also feel embarrassed that I've gotten emotional in front of her about it when she is never emotional about it. I don't know how much damage I've done by having to ask her if she is still interested or if shes lost interest. She says she doesn't see me any different but I don't know how much I believe of that

I have these fears she's going to end up texting guys behind my back like my past gfs and I also bring up how I buy her flowers out of the blue or something else thoughtful but she never does that for me, aside from b days, Christmas, or anniversaries.

This relationship is already gone to sh1t. You might as well eject and start over. A girl SHOULD be the one to ask you to move in together and she should do it enthusiastically. Sounds like she's doing something at home she doesn't want you to know about, infact it sounds as though she's not even digging this relationship at all.

You on the other hand are spending way too much time obsessing over her and making excuses for her behavior. I'm guessing you have a hard time getting women cause it sounds like you are desperate to lock her down.

Date OTHER women, more importantly, women from other countries. Leave this broad in the dust and go find a girl thats actually into you. If a girl is into you, she won't hesitate to 'take the next step'. Unfortunately, the problem is, that when a girl is deeply in love with you, she will do everything in her power to lock you down and you probably will be luke warm about your feelings on her..... just the way this broad is with you. You've got to ask yourself, do you want kids/marriage, if the answer is yes then you are with the wrong kind of woman. If you just want to bang the sh1t out of her hot ass, you need to ask yourself "WHY THE FVCK AM I TRYING TO GET THIS DUMB B1TCH TO MOVE IN WITH ME?"

You don't marry hot women.

http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/Iejq3pks78E/ This song should be the theme of SOSUAVE

 

[LimeSlush]

I live in Canada dating women in other countries is not exactly an option for me, I'm not going to date some girl long distance just for this purpose. I wouldn't say I have a hard time getting women, when I was single I had a few on the go - and in that way I had made her work for my attention, and I was probably more appealing because I didn't care if I ended up with her. I agree with you it should be her that's pushing for the next step. I know she's always wanted to take things slow in our relationship but I myself am ready and willing to move in with her.
I don't see her that much, maybe once during the week and then on the weekend. I'm fairly independent as well, I work 10 hours a day then I go to the gym and go home I don't text her much throughout the day. I guess I could make myself less available when she asks to hang out on the weekend or whenever, I'm not exactly sure how I can back off aside from not seeing her for a week or more.

I'm happy for all the feedback. Do you guys honestly think I'm a bit messed up from past relationships, like my ex hammered into my head if I didn't do those things then I didn't love her and now maybe I'm subconsciously thinking unless my gf shows me with little things here and there then she doesn't care? There's no question my confidence needs work, and I'm working on that by getting in shape, and I want to do that for me, not for her benefit.

 

[MachiavelliAlpha]

When you disappear it will make her think about you more. Just make excuses, go camping or some ****. Nothing generates attraction like absence. Quit sweating it because chances are she's not.... So why should you?

 

[Bible_Belt]

Do you guys honestly think I'm a bit messed up from past relationships, like my ex hammered into my head if I didn't do those things then I didn't love her and now maybe I'm subconsciously thinking unless my gf shows me with little things here and there then she doesn't care?

Here's a thought - what if you told your gf everything you just told us? What's the worst that could happen? You lose a boring mediocre relationship?

Confident people have insecurities too. But they will bluntly admit it - "here's my issues. It is what it is." and then they go on with their life...confidently.

But when people lack confidence, they let their issues eat them up inside. They are convinced other people don't have problems like they do, and that it all must be kept a deep dark secret, because no one will like you if they get to know the real you.

Relationships are about maintaining an emotional connection. Doing things like confessing insecurities will bring her closer to her. Obviously, don't do that constantly, but make it a part of presenting yourself as a complex, multifaceted person. Perfect is boring. Women want you to have at least a few issues. They like the challenge.

 

[ZTIME]

Hey guys, I'm gonna explain a bit about my situation and hope I can get some insight into what the hell my problem is. So I've been with my girl for just over 2 years. We went through a long stretch of about a year where the sex was a problem, it kinda fell off a cliff for her but we're much better now, I'd still like it more but I'm content. Anyway I feel like I'm self sabotaging my relationship and I don't know if it's because of past relationships or something else but I'll quickly summarize.

First gf was when I was 19. It was here I was naive and trusted completely. This lasted 5 months and in that time I'm sure she cheated because there was a few nights she never came home from a girls night and after telling me she had ran into her ex at a party and wanted to go for coffee with him to discuss feelings, I went through her phone and found a lot of stuff that I should of dumped her over. Anyway, that's where a bit of my trust issue comes from.

Second gf was from the time I was about 20 to about 24 I think. It was a 3.5 year relationship. She was extremely jealous and controlling. She always had to have notes or small gifts to feel loved or appreciated and HATED this one girl friend of mine. She constantly went through my phone and my Internet history but would always send me texts about how much she loved me and all these words of affirmation etc. I caught this one on twitter planning a coffee with some guy behind my back and we ended up breaking up after a lot of fights for years about how I was going to cheat and everything.

Now, im 28. I've been with this one two years. When we first met I was talking to quite a few girls but not many real dates. Went on a couple with her and I was hesitant to commit as I was having fun. We started sleeping together even tho I told her I wasn't ready to be in a relationship just yet. During this time she'd come over and then we'd have sex go to a movie then she'd go home or occasionally sleep over. Either way, the next day or later that night she'd text me about how amazing she thought I was, or if I was having a bad day she couldn't wait to give me head to cheer me up. This kinda thing continued till about 8 months in, then it slowed down as well as the sex and then it pretty well disappeared. The sex we slowly worked on and it's good but doesn't happen as much as I'd like. She still tells me she thinks I'm sexy every now and then or I'm handsome but not to the same extent. But the thing is I get hung up on that for some reason? Like if she isn't constantly telling me that stuff I get nervous she's losing interest. We both put on a bit of weight but in the last 2 months I've lost a great deal of it but my confidence hasn't gone up much. I have these fears she's going to end up texting guys behind my back like my past gfs and I also bring up how I buy her flowers out of the blue or something else thoughtful but she never does that for me, aside from b days, Christmas, or anniversaries. I don't know if this is also from my second relationship or not. In the last little while I've been pushing to move in together and she says she wants to but will never bring it up and I get frustrated like I'm the only one thinking about a future together. She says shes nervous to move in together, she doesn't know what things are going to be like for us. She's been really stressed about work and she's currently really trying to find something else but I don't know how much that's going to change. She's a really calm, uncontrolling girlfriend who will always listen and I'm deeply in love with her. I just need an outside perspective on what I'm being ridiculous about and maybe what I'm being reasonable about. I don't want to completely mess this up

Ouch!! Here is something to digest for a bit. No response necessary.

Please take the relationship part out of this story, and ask yourself what you want in life and what you deserve in life. Now insert said relationship and ask yourself if it's providing what you want.

When you find out that the answer is no, and that you just wrote a long story about how scared you are to lose a relationship that provides nothing that you want, then ask yourself where the fear is coming from.

Chances are that you will find that you're actually not happy with yourself, and feel that you will not be able to replace this "over-valued" girl you're with.

It's time to fix the core of the problem sir. It's time to start fixing you!




People have a hard time letting go of their suffering.
Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.

 

[LiveFreeX]

I didn't care if I ended up with her. I agree with you it should be her that's pushing for the next step. I know she's always wanted to take things slow in our relationship but I myself am ready and willing to move in with her.

As a fellow Canadian, I can tell you that dating a Canadian woman is probably the stupidest decision you can make as a Canadian man. Looks like you are in denial of the real issue here, she's not that into you BUT its not your fault. As a Canadian woman, she's also in the upper echelon of spoiled first world princesses and will ALWAYS treat you as though you can be replaced tomorrow, thirsty dudes like yourself and our welfare system enable her. The only place you will find women who appreciate men is in the 3rd world where death/poverty and disease are just a few steps away. 1st world women will never change, they've been taught from a young age that women are the peak of evolution and men are 'fish on a bicycle'. Don't believe me? Go to one of those Mennonite 'gift shops' and check out all the 'politically incorrect' sayings cut into wood plates. Because you live in Canada, you should be dating anything BUT Canadian women.

Otherwise here is my advice for slum dogs in your situation. Get used to being cheated on by Canadian women, never move in with a girl and NEVER EVER commit. Pay no attention to them unless you want to bang and don't expect anything from them besides PCness/rape or divorce issues. It is no mistake that Toronto is home of the slut walk and has a dyke premier.

 

[MOTU]

Good advice here, and I'll add: read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Primer post haste.

Edited to add: and do identify and take ownership of the things you did in these relationships that contributed to their failure. I am not saying "take the blame", but I am saying accept some responsibility for the outcome. This will help break the cycle.

 

[hithard]

A couple of questions

Do you feel that You (not the relationship) is in a rut?
Do you two do any physical activities together?
Do you or your partner exercise?
Do you constantly need validation for feelings of self worth?

Listen, off initial impressions it sounds like you have/had hit a boring comfort zone and it went bad from there. You sound like you might have some self-esteem issues bordering on being a validation whor3.
Now look down. See those things on the end of you legs. They are called feet. They are also great confidence boosters. Not only are they great for kicking ass, but they also carry you away from $hitty
situations (so long as you don't let your vagina get in the way).
First thing Relax, you focus enough on cheating and you will sabotage yourself.
Second thing get your $hit sorted and turn the focus back on you. That means:
working out
testing the waters by just talking to other women and seeing if you can spark attraction.
Work your inner game and stop being a needy bitc.h.
Hobbies.

If she is stressed then it is like having blinkers on. If you are being an emotional little princess then you will be blocked out, which looks to be the case. If you were the actual prize then she would be locked onto you into the home stretch. Let her deal with her shi.t.
Work on you, then include her/ or not.
No more discussions on emotions with her.

 

[LimeSlush]

To MOTU - I picked up a copy of both those books you suggested, I'm halfway through no more mr nice guy and it has been a great eye opener. I have been doing gifts and notes and such as a means to get validation from her. I'm now making sure to work on myself so I don't have to feel the need for validation from anyone but myself. Thank you very much for the book recommendations.

To hithard -
I guess I probably feel like I'm in the rut personally. We don't really do any physical activities together, sometimes she'll suggest walks but I hate doing that so don't really do that together. I exercise 4-5 times a week and it's my alone time in the day for me. I feel like I have turned into the guy who does need that constant validation and I hate that, I'm going to change that.

I posted here with a break down of everything I'm going through not just to lay out what she's doing but more for what I'm doing wrong. I have turned into an emotional wreck and that's not attractive to anyone. Walking away from this girl isn't going to solve the problems I'm having with my own self esteem or need for validation and would likely continue in every relationship afterwards no matter who it's with. I'm not going to worry on pleasing her anymore I'm going to work on making sure I'm happy and then at that point I can see whether to continue with her or go out on my own.

 

[MOTU]

^^^^I love threads like this. Repped. Lime, you are on the right path.

Like you, when I got here, I hadn't realized how much I was contributing to my own relationship failures. Taking the Red Pill for me wasn't just about understanding the true nature of women, it was also about understanding my own behaviour.

Stay the course. Even if you can't, or choose not to salvage your current relationship, your building your own foundations for a better one in the future.

 

[hithard]

You will do just fine. Just remember there will be low points, stay strong, stay positive. Don't block your partner out altogether but keep interactions positive/fun for a while.
You need to realize that the only opinions that matter are yours. You need to be able to look in the mirror and see that high value.
Its not just the physical that may need changing but the mindset.

 

[sodbuster]

Good for you, BUT, IF the sex doesn't improve.... drop her asz. It gets WORSE after a year of marriage, or kids, or what ever THEY want to get out of the relationship happens.

 

[LimeSlush]

I already have it planned that I will should it not improve. I'm currently trying to figure out how I should bring up that she should start exercising. I brought it up a few months ago since it's a goal of hers to lose weight but she doesnt seem to motivate herself to do it and she was mad that I brought it up

 

[sodbuster]

Flirt with sexier women.... and let her see it. Nothing too over the top, but just enough to get her a bit jealous and or nervous.... WOMEN are more competitive than pro sports teams....when THEY want to be