What does my ex want?

[DMEDFISIK]

I value the perspectives of my fellow men here as they help one see clearly when emotion renders one's view slightly hazy.

I posted a while ago on problems with an ex-girlfriend I cheated on. Of course she demanded to be away from me. Although I showed contrition (wrote a letter, sent flowers, a card, etc), I believe I remained dignified in all of it. Apparently after 3 months of trying to get her to change her mind (because I knew she still loved me and was still attracted to me--we've been intimate in that time frame), I realized I was flogging a dead horse and left her alone.

It's been almost two months now and a new dynamic is at hand. Whenever she doesn't hear from me in a matter of 3-5 days, she starts calling nearly frenetically. Last week she called several times and I didn't respond. I finally did after about 4-5 days and I could tell she was upset. She said she was worried about my well-being and wanted to make sure I was ok. I sensed she was displeased after she hung up briskly. I immediately called her back and observed she was already crying on the phone, although she tried to hide it. I told her I was busy and did plan to get in touch with her, and asked her if she was well. And that was it.

Two weeks ago she told me was very horny and wouldn't mind making out. But I didn't make any attempts to see her. I think she just threw it out there to see if I would come to her apartment considering she lives only 30 mins away.

I am convinced my ex still loves me and is very attracted to me. But she has too much self-esteem and plays passive-aggressive games. It would take an insane amount of desire and serious fear of loss for her to come to me. Although she may choose to suffer in silence. She turns 24 soon.

So my questions:
1) What do you think she's after? I'm thinking she's just trying to make sure I am still around in case she changes her mind.

I am already talking to a seemingly amazing girl but I'm still evaluating her. All looks good and she might replace my ex if things go well.

2) My ex's birthday is coming up soon, and while I don't intend to see her, I was wondering whether to call or just send a card wishing her a happy birthday. I'm still giving her limited attention.

Thanks.

 

[davewe]

The bigger question is what do you want. Seems like you're still interested.

 

[vatoloco]

She said she was worried about my well-being and wanted to make sure I was ok.

Bullshit.

...plays passive-aggressive games.

Do you really wanna fuck with this? Err, bad choice of words. Do you really want to mess with a fucked up girl like this?

1) What do you think she's after? I'm thinking she's just trying to make sure I am still around in case she changes her mind.

I am already talking to a seemingly amazing girl but I'm still evaluating her. All looks good and she might replace my ex if things go well.

Who knows? Validation. Smells a new girl and wants to mess things up between you and your new squeeze. Dry spell. Her current BF fucking some other girl and she's lonely...

2) My ex's birthday is coming up soon, and while I don't intend to see her, I was wondering whether to call or just send a card wishing her a happy birthday. I'm still giving her limited attention.

Sounds to me like you're still not over your "ex." Like Dave already mentioned, what is it that you want out of this girl?

 

[backbreaker]

From my past experiences, and this is just me, one of my biggest red flags, are women who don't come out and tell you what they want or what's on their mind. I don't do the whole calling to see what your well being stuff, that doesn't fly with me, i'm just too practical. Do you want to date or not damnit, if not stop calling please.

To me it's a red flag, that one second you were beating a dead horse, and now lo and behold she is all over you. It doesn't end well if you play it out.


1. she was seeing someone else or had someone else in mind and that didn't end up working out like she had hoped, and she is back to you.
1B- she is needy if this is the case, she has to be in a relationship. that's not a good sign in itself

2. she dumped you, knowing good and damn well she didn't want to but did anyway. That's not good



It's clear as day she still has feelings for you. It's clear you still have feelings for her.

My ex's birthday is coming up soon, and while I don't intend to see her, I was wondering whether to call or just send a card wishing her a happy birthday. I'm still giving her limited attention.

do exactly what she did on your birthday for her. If she didn't call, don't cal her. If she sent an eamil send an eamil. If she stopped by, go ahead and stop by. No more no less. The burden is not on you to make all these decisions.


If it were me, I'd leave it alone. I just don't see this ending well. I don't see a scenario in where she would not give you the time fo day for 3 months, then comes back and is all over you, and all is fine, without something else being in play here.

You need to figure out what you want.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

The bigger question is what do you want. Seems like you're still interested.

Of course I am still interested. But I think I've played my part in fixing things. I would rather preserve my self-respect and not supplicate. If she comes on me strongly and unambiguously, provided my head isn't somewhere else, I'll slowly take things up from where they ended.

Regardless, from a logical point of view my best bet is to move on and I've been doing just that. I've made lots of progress since December. Three weeks ago I was talking to another girl, I noticed she was calling. I naturally continued my conversation and returned the call with a text. Previously I would've returned the call ASAP. Curiously, though I call rarely, she returns my calls ASAP.

I expect that with time I will FULLY get over her. Clearly there's still some oneitis at work here.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

"As a dog returneth to his vomit, so doth a fool return to his folly."

Now I do not judge you to be a fool; it's none of my business. But I wonder if you can determine whether you are being a fool in all this ex-gf business.

I personally think you're not only beating a dead horse, but you are also retarding your development. You have to put this girl in the rearview before you can realize the lessons of this experience. As it stands, you're still up to your neck in mistakes, as evidenced by your continued association with her. Hindsight is always 20/20, but you have to look back to see it.

So put this girl behind you, and take what you have learned to the ladies of the world.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

To me it's a red flag, that one second you were beating a dead horse, and now lo and behold she is all over you. It doesn't end well if you play it out.

You raise a good point. I've thought about this too.

1. she was seeing someone else or had someone else in mind and that didn't end up working out like she had hoped, and she is back to you.
1B- she is needy if this is the case, she has to be in a relationship. that's not a good sign in itself

2. she dumped you, knowing good and damn well she didn't want to but did anyway. That's not good

She and I both know that I am a catch. Everyone knows she will be very lucky to do better than me.

And I don't think she's needy. We've always had lives outside of each other. She wants me, but her desire hasn't overcome her pride yet. I know her, trust me. Sometime in the future she'll have to tone down on it.

It's clear as day she still has feelings for you. It's clear you still have feelings for her.

Agree 100%.

do exactly what she did on your birthday for her. If she didn't call, don't cal her. If she sent an eamil send an eamil. If she stopped by, go ahead and stop by. No more no less. The burden is not on you to make all these decisions.

My birthday comes later in the year. Last year my birthday was before our problems. She got me a fancy watch.

I may just call, at least as a matter of courtesy. A card will tell her too much about my mental state on things. A simple, friendly call will do.

If it were me, I'd leave it alone. I just don't see this ending well. I don't see a scenario in where she would not give you the time fo day for 3 months, then comes back and is all over you, and all is fine, without something else being in play here.

She gave me time, but just constantly mentioned that she couldn't trust me. We hung out as if we were still together. As I mentioned we've been intimate even after the whole mess. I was the one who pulled away because I felt she was refusing to commit. And I am still pulling away. That's what I want to do and I'm doing.

At any rate, I believe a woman will jump through hoops regardless of the situation to be with a man she truly wants to be with. That doesn't seem to be the case here and I refuse to be a mind-reader. I shall stay the course.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

"As a dog returneth to his vomit, so doth a fool return to his folly."

Now I do not judge you to be a fool; it's none of my business. But I wonder if you can determine whether you are being a fool in all this ex-gf business.

I personally think you're not only beating a dead horse, but you are also retarding your development. You have to put this girl in the rearview before you can realize the lessons of this experience. As it stands, you're still up to your neck in mistakes, as evidenced by your continued association with her. Hindsight is always 20/20, but you have to look back to see it.

So put this girl behind you, and take what you have learned to the ladies of the world.

Trust me I'm putting her behind me. I've stopped beating a dead horse. It's just a case of a horse trying to come alive when I'm taking steps away from it. Almost instinctively I look back. I guess I need to ignore her even more and ignore the neighs. Thanks though.

 

[DMEDFISIK]

I'll bookmark this thread. This is good positive reinforcement. Thanks everyone.

 

[Boilermaker]

You raise a good point. I've thought about this too.



She and I both know that I am a catch. Everyone knows she will be very lucky to do better than me.

And I don't think she's needy. We've always had lives outside of each other. She wants me, but her desire hasn't overcome her pride yet. I know her, trust me. Sometime in the future she'll have to tone down on it.



Agree 100%.



My birthday comes later in the year. Last year my birthday was before our problems. She got me a fancy watch.

I may just call, at least as a matter of courtesy. A card will tell her too much about my mental state on things. A simple, friendly call will do.

She gave me time, but just constantly mentioned that she couldn't trust me. We hung out as if we were still together. As I mentioned we've been intimate even after the whole mess. I was the one who pulled away because I felt she was refusing to commit. And I am still pulling away. That's what I want to do and I'm doing.

At any rate, I believe a woman will jump through hoops regardless of the situation to be with a man she truly wants to be with. That doesn't seem to be the case here and I refuse to be a mind-reader. I shall stay the course.

I think I remember you and this folly. You are reading this completely wrong, in my opinion.

She tried to get 'more' after you cheated on her, she is pushing boundaries. She knows she can get 'the old' you back in a split second. She just doesn't want the old you. She wants a more apologetic, a weaker, a more serving you. (Perhaps a ring with that as well?)

Your final paragraph says it all. IF she TRULY wanted you and the old days, she would already have it. Because she knows that behind your superficial gallantry and honorable attitude, there's a heartbroken baby boy wanting her toy back with eyes all wet. Trust me, it's not a secret. It is clearly visible that you are still very emotional towards her and your fragile ego has hopes that she'll come back to your slightly improved AFC world. Not going to happen.

She is not going to compromise. If you cave in and go crescendo however, that's a different story. Hmm, I must admit, though, as the catch of her life, you are not doing too well. Maybe you should admit too, that there are stronger reactions than feeble fake cries and emotional push-pulls a woman can throw for his white knight, what do you say>>?

 

[DMEDFISIK]

I think I remember you and I remember this folly. You are completely reading this wrong, in my opinion.

She tried to get 'more' after you cheated on her, she is pushing boundaries. She knows she can get 'the old' you back in a split second. She just doesn't want the old you. She wants a more apologetic, a weaker, a more serving you. (Perhaps a ring with that as well?)

Your final paragraph says it all. IF she TRULY wanted you and the old days, she would already have it.

She is not going to compromise. Don't let your hopes on that. It is alarmingly visible that you are still very emotional towards her and your fragile ego has hopes that she'll come back to your slightly improved AFC world.

I bet not.

Calm down. You are putting me into preset AFC schemata without contextualizing the issue. If caring about a girl makes me an AFC, especially after I did something wrong, so be it. Stop throwing AFC around like a loose woman.

To address your post directly:

1) I have told her I'm not ready for marriage nor proposal. If that's what she truly wants, she's not getting that from me.

2) If she isn't compromising that's fine. I am already moving on and I didn't come here asking for advice on compromise. I came to discuss the issue of her trying to get my attention when I'm "disappearing". The consensus is to ignore the horse's neighs and that addressed the crux of this thread.

Thanks for your input though.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Julie Baby,
"As a dog returneth to his vomit, so doth a fool return to his folly." This is one Hell of a quote,I have used it myself in an abbreviated form,but this is sheer bluddy Poetry....Whence cometh it?

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

It's Proverbs 26:11. It's a line that's stuck with me, the first time I read it was like a visceral punch in the gut.

But it really makes you think about how we so often retard our advancement by way of unprofitable habits. It's a great quote to keep in front of you, it's disgusting enough that you really get the message.

 

[Slickster]

Sorry didn't even read the thread. Only the title.

Answer: She wants attention. It's always attention.

 

[NewMan]

It's been said, but why do you care?

My guess is you want her back - or you would not have posted this.

But you will never get her back by continuing contact with her. You must break her will first. and you do that by cutting contact and making sure she knows/believes you have moved on and are not looking back.


you are playing BS games by keeping up this "We are not BF/GF, but I'm still going to returned your call's and emails and contact you on your birthday".

It's all BS - and it never ends well.

do yourself a favor - just get on with your life and have stop talking to this girl. break her before she breaks you.