What did YOU do to ruin the relationship?

[imarockstar]

Whats up guys.

Just got off work, and started reading a couple posts tonight before hitting the sack, and I have been seeing a common theme. Most guys who just got out of a LTR or marriage are asking what to do to feel better. But it seems that most are not taking responsibility for their faults. It seems that we are playing the victims, when in reality, our actions may have caused the relationship to fail. Some of us choose to blame the evil, BPD, bytch of a woman, when in fact, we are the ones to blame. We did not hold up our end of the bargain in regards to simply, being a man.

There has gotta be another thread somewhere at some point that asks this same question.

If not, I'd like to hear other members experiences in relationships that failed. Because if you got dumped or your woman left you, it was most likely your fault in one way or another.

I'll go first. I haven't really ever been dumped, unless you count middle school. Although my most recent relationship was a mutual breakup, she pretty much initiated and instigated it to occur. Even though I contemplated countless times to dump her, I never brought myself to do it. Why? It's pathetic, but the sex was just too damn good.

She controlled me with her pvssy. I'll admit to that. As time went on, she gained the frame. She started getting away with more and more, because she started to realize that I would not walk. Yes, in the beginning, I was a complete "alpha", if that's what you'd like to call it. I remember in the first couple months, we got into a fight after a concert, she threatened me with a breakup and I said "ok, cool, fine with me, let me out of the car". 4 days later of no contact and she calls me, balling her eyes out, begging to get back together, saying how huge a mistake she made.

Fast forward to a couple months before our breakup. She starts a fight, for no reason at all, and I try to clean up the mess, apologize, or find a way to calm her down. She is no longer getting called out for her bullsh*t, instead she gets rewarded. I lost my frame, because not only did she realize that she could do whatever she wanted without repercussions, but she led a lot. Instead of me figuring out what to do because I wanted to do it, I became the follower, doing whatever she felt like doing. I just wanted to be there for the ride, when in fact, this is how the woman should be thinking.

Bottom line, I lost control of the frame. Right now, I could ask her why we broke up, and she would probably tell me that I am just not the one, that she is not in love with me. Women will rationalize certain situations in whatever way makes them feel most comfortable. In the end, I know what really happened. I let myself become the supplicator. I reacted to her actions and decisions, instead of living my own life, pursuing my own happiness, and having her react to me.

Where did it go wrong for you? How did you contribute to a woman leaving you? And don't give me, "she cheated on me, it's not my fault". Yes, it absolutely is. If you were doing what you were supposed to, the thought would never cross her mind to cheat on you. This could be interesting. I'd like to hear your experiences and hopefully, what you learned.

 

[backbreaker]

this is a very good post. i was off to bed myself but I feel obliged to respond.

I am married now and things are going good but I have had some all star calibur crashes and burns in the past. But i can honestly say 2 things

1. i learned something from every one of them

2. i HAD to have those happen or else if they would not have happened, i would not have leanred how to manage/deal with women and would not be in a happy marriage now.


there was a situtation with amber, the first real LTR I had when i was grown and settled in to being an adult.. i did not start off just head over heels for her in fact she was just one of my plates who just kept spinning and she proved herself to me and i dated her. we started dating in november, a week before thanksgiving. the end of the following march I sold my company and quit work. I was so burned out where i just completely shut down for like 2 months. like, could barley get out of bed, all i could do was eat and watch TV.,

she told me for motnhs how she loved me for me or what not and like an idiot i believed her. in retrospect, she didnt' know any better, she's just a woman being a woman. i put on a **** load of weight. when i sold my company i was what, maybe 175, 180 at my biggest and I mean, that's not skinny but im' stalky by nature so it's not really that big. i could still fit a 34 jeans pretty easily which isn't SKINNY but it's not fat either at all.. i still looked good when i threw on my big boy clothes, but by about... by my birthday i was about 215 pounds. by august i was about 230. she cared for me still but she just wasn't attracted to me. we Never had sex anymore. it was just gone. she ended up cheating on me and i put her **** out, but honestly, while i was hurt i couldn't get mad at her. i couldn't call her anything because i did it to myself. i wouldn't date a girl that gained 50 pounds in 4 months lol why would i expect a woman to date me when i do the same? and **** we still had sex from time to time at least.

I ran into her like 2 years later, back skinny again and that night she came back over, while she was dating someone else and i ran all up in her lol. she wanted me back and truth be told i did like her she had grown on me she was really bubbly and i liked that about her but once someone shows you who they are believe them. just the wrong girl at the wrong time. after she cheated on me when i gained weight becuase of being depressed, there isn't any going back.

honestly that's probably the same reason why i go to the gym 5-6 days a week now. my wife tells me all the time don't you get tired of going to the gym.. honestly yeah at times i do, but you know what i hate more than getting up ass up at 7am and going to the gym? sleeping with a woman who i have to plead with to touch me at night. i remember when amber and i first dated dating we fvcked any and everywhere. car, closet, shower, kitchen, mom's house, sister's house, movies. that girl could not get enough of me. road head was like every other saturday. my wife has never seen that side of me. i don't even have fat pictures lol. she thinks i'm naturally skinny and she takes my being in shape for granted. I don't. i remember looking bloated all too well. she is naturally skinny but still she jogs but doesn't actually work out like I do. i look at food and put on 2 pounds, well not anymore becuase i work out so much my metabolism is very high but still.. let me stop for a month lol.


I am of the belief that while there are some F'ed up girls out ther, all of them can be managed under the right circumstances even the BPD ones. I think one of the reasons I "got it" earlier than a lot of guys "got it" is because i took ownership of my bull**** and realized i was the one screwing up not them even though they were screwing up i am the one that made them lose attraction not seedcase they are crazy. crazy has nothing to do with attraction.


After i lost the weight, did my little 100 day change my life forever deal i did, i really havne't been dumped sense, not in the i have lost attraction to you sense of dumping. I've been dumped but more like "you are a jerk who will never commit" dump not "damn you don't do it for me anymore" dump.

Even the girl who i dated for 8 months and she lost her virginity to a dude at a party, i fvcked that up. she wanted it and gave me clear signs she wanted it and i would not give it to her because i wanted to make it "special" because i believed all the hall mark bull **** about virginity and all that. after telling me in so many words that she wanted some **** and i would not give it to her, she went and got it lol.

 

[blindnowisee]

I signed up especially to reply to this thread so thanks for that

Here goes:
Short intro: Moved away from hometown to work in a different city - so had to build a new social circle / hobbies etc

- Moving away from all of your friends is a very drastic move and I'd advise it only to people who truly believe that moving is the best way forward. You have to be a strong man to travel away from your social circle and be confident and extrovert enough to set-up a new circle and not fall back on just leaning on the company of your gf. Buyer beware .. I thought I was confident and strong enough but apparently not.. read on:
- Failed to build my own social circle / hobbies; all I effectively did was go to work, work long hours, come home, have dinner, watch tv.. ad infinitum. In the weekends I'd do some occasional sports but not really made a true effort to make new friends and hang out with other people
- Lost my passions in life.. I used to be passionate about a lot of things.. after getting into a relationship I slowly slipped away from all of my passions and "complied" to mediocrity. On hindsight.. I'd just get up on Monday to go to work and go to sleep on Friday waiting for Monday to happen again. I'm sure a lot of people will be able to relate to this feeling.
- Put my ex on a pedestal; surrendered my power. This sounds very drastic but it gradually occurs in LTRs. I started being wishy-washy (e.g. answering her questions on where I want to eat with 'I don't mind.. wherever you want to go' <= this now makes me gag.. was such a wuzz! .. This relates to not having your own social circle as well as all our plans were 'together'..
- Not really making an effort for the relationship.. so letting the passion flow away.. never reigniting the flame.. never being unpredictable.. just being (mediocre) joe bloggs.. Translating this to language used here: I downgraded my personal value and made this blatantly obvious.

I think it all falls back to this:
Never let your individuality be defined by the relationship you're in. Have your own passions, your own interests, your own friends, your own activities.. hell make her feel like you're fitting her into your schedule. She needs to know that you'll still be happy ol' you whenever she decides to walk. She needs to be thinking of stuff she needs to do to stop you from walking away from her instead of vice versa.

We are men - we should stop being pussies and man the F up.

 

[Three]

A lot of great info in this thread. I definitely agree that we need to take responsibility for our own failures and faults, learn from it, and move on to bigger and better things.

My first LTR was in high school and I was a total AFC then. I was incredibly insecure and ruined the whole thing by being jealous and controlling. Really, you never expect something like that to last, but there's no reason for all the pain and heartache. Of course, it's hard to know that when you're just a kid.

I've been married twice and haven't really had any other LTRs besides those that lasted more than a few months. The non-marriages ended because I didn't want to commit, but the marriages ended for different reasons.

Both started off on the wrong foot because I made poor choices of women. Good women and nice people in many ways, but probably wrong for me. In my first marriage, I gave up my sense of self almost immediately and after about 7 or 8 years, I started finding myself again. I didn't know how to handle this and ended up messing around with a girl in college much younger than me. No sex, but close. Then, my ex turned around and cheated openly with a guy in my neighborhood (who she has been married to ever since -talk about fvcking awkward).

I had a few girls in between marriages, nothing real serious, but lots of fun. My second wife was a different story. I was smitten from the start. She was smoking hot and lots of fun. She was totally into me from the get go.

My mistakes with her were many. I put up with way too much. Lots of lies in the beginning because she was trying to impress me. Lots of emotional outbursts and drama. Medical and financial problems out the azz. Emotional problems with her kid.

I stuck with her through all of it like the white knight chump I was. I guess it felt really good to show someone I cared about how awesome I was at being a father and husband, etc. But, I was an idiot.

I knew from the beginning of that marriage that it couldn't possibly last, but I kept pushing that thought to the back of my mind. I was thinking that I could just enjoy things for now, have fun with this hot, young thing.

Maybe I thought things would get better somehow, which is incredibly stupid. Bad situations don't ever just spontaneously turn into good ones. Someone has to take action to make that happen.

Anyway, I'm still in the middle of the breakup of my second marriage and trying to figure out what I need to do to get back on track. This analysis of what I did wrong is important and thanks to imarockstar for bringing this up now.

 

[imarockstar]

The thing is, I feel like a lot of the bitter, woman bashing that I see from time to time here stems from ones own insecurities or personal issues. This is a behavior of a woman; "What a jerk, men suck, they are all the same". This is not the way we as men should behave.

It's much easier for someone to point the finger and blame someone. When in reality, our lives will be much easier in the long run if we can deal with our issues first. We will be less likely to deal with BS, and we will walk if the woman is being irrational.

Take my situation for example. I could have sat here and made post after post about why my ex is so crazy or why women act the way they do, or I could hold myself accountable for my mistakes. The fact is, I became complacent and got far too comfortable in the relationship, so why would I wonder why she resorted to this newfound mentality of "not in love, you are not the one". I don't need to ask, because I know why.

The fact is, I went into the relationship still somewhat insecure about myself. I often got jealous when she talked to other guys or giving more attention to someone else than to me. I remember sometime very recent that I told her that the reason I got jealous sometimes was because I was not used to her outgoing, at times, wild personality, while my most successful relationships have been with the more reserved, shy, good girl types. At the end of the day, it should not have mattered to me. If I was secure and possessed self-respect, then I would not care about her actions, and if her actions were completely disrespectful, then I would walk without hesitation. I said earlier that I was "alpha" and went no contact after a fight at a concert once, early in the relationship, and showed her that I was not afraid to walk. However, deep down, I was. I only went NC because I learned the tactic from this website, rather than going NC simply because I am a man and I demand respect.

This is why the cliche advice is actually pretty spot on. Love yourself first. If you don't love yourself, others will not love you either.

I asked myself this question today on my way home from work. Would I go back into this relationship, or would I rather everything happen the way it has. I can honestly say that I would go through this break up again if I was able to make the choice. I have learned so much in the past couple months. It also forced me to be happy with myself again, it forced me to become secure with something that has plagued me my entire life, a fear of fighting and confrontation. This is one of my main fears, and I am facing this fear by doing jiu jitsu, and becoming more secure as a man and my ability to defend myself and those I care about. At the same time, I have a newfound passion in life. I can almost guarantee that I would not have pushed myself to do this had I still been in the relationship.

The main idea, the ultimate concept that I am attempting to form, is that if you have issues, figure out what they are and find a way to overcome them before deciding to get into a serious relationship. The relationship will not fix these problems for you, it will actually amplify them and it will only be a matter of time before the ticking time bomb that is your relationship eventually explodes.

 

[Geniuskhan]

Funny how when you're going through **it that things pop up here an there to put things into perspective. Thanks for the post.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Moving a thousand miles away is the death of a relationship. There is no use pretending otherwise.

 

[drak_ool]

Moving a thousand miles away is the death of a relationship. There is no use pretending otherwise.

Yup! Kept mine alive for a year and a half (a world record?) but it still fizzled out in the end...

 

[Burroughs]

you can make yourself into 'as good a man' as your heart desires and 'work on yourself' till the cows come home but it doesn't matter when women like this exist and THE SYSTEM BEHIND THEM.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfffwx3nWuA&feature=relmfu

 

[Greasy Pig]

I effing love Bill Burr.

 

[imarockstar]

First off, Bill Burr is probably the worst person to take advice from. Do you hear the bitterness and spitefulness in his voice? This is what happens when you continue to bash women for their "issues" instead of taking responsibility for your own. IMO A misogynist is the male equivalent of a feminist. Someone who criticizes the other gender and feels some sense of entitlement due to the other genders shortcomings or perceived generalizations/stereotypes of the opposite sex.

Truth is, we are all human. However, the roles we play will obviously differ based on our gender. The bitter ones who continue to play the blame game end up despising the opposite sex. Whether it be the the wife who gets too comfortable, pops out some kids, and thinks that its ok to stay overweight because her husband should possess unconditional love, or if it is the husband who is supposed to be a man and ends up being left by his wife because he becomes his woman's personal doormat. Those who deny accountability end up jumping from relationship to relationship, hoping the next one will be different, searching for a change, when in reality, you are the one who needs to change. It is a vicious cycle that transforms men into misogynists and women into feminists.

I absolutely believe that if you possess a genuine mutual respect for your girlfriend/wife, and if the two of you are constantly keeping your game up and staying the same, if not a better version of yourselves as when you first met, then worrying about their fidelity will never be an issue. However, there are no absolutes, and there will be some isolated incidents, such as the incarcerated man in Bill Burr's video. For him to bring up Kobe contradicts his debate on these isolated incidents. Kobe's dirty laundry was all over the news, how can he say that no one talked about it? Besides, he cheated on his wife because he is a famous athlete and he most likely thinks that he is allowed to do whatever he wants. If you ask me, his wife is entitled to his money, because he made that money while they were married, and a marriage is a union of two people. Now if she were to have cheated on him, I don't think she deserves a dime. She committed adultery and she destroyed the sacred union between them, it was out of his control. That was not the case.

Another reason why I believe relationships/marriages fail is not only bad screening, but a lack of communication. Going back to the overweight wife; the woman should know off the break that you will leave if she does not take care of herself. She should know that you will not put up with a wife that is not attractive or who you will no longer want to have sex with. The husband deals with it for a while, but refuses to discuss the issue, eventually driving him to cheat on her. Both parties are at fault in this situation, because the woman got too complacent and did not realize the man's ability to walk until it was too late. The man solved his problem of a lack of physical intimacy in the wrong way, by finding it elsewhere, instead of communicating the issue to his wife. Although the fact remains, the woman should have respected not only herself but her husbands happiness in the first place by not becoming unattractive.

 

[Burroughs]

I think men do too much as it is as it pertains to women...if anything they should do LESS...much less

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyZ9ss-bCUY

Bill Burr makes a 100,000 dollars PER SHOW...he is clearly successful at life. But he did it the hard way...and he doesn't let women off the hook...'how many jimi hendrix are working at the home depot because they hooked up with the wrong tw$t?'...genius

 

[Warrior74]

I turned down my dream job to stay with her. This was my biggest mistake. I got resentful and gave up on the relationship and focused on being a good dad. She started disrespecting me and I let it slide. Girls night out, cheating, drugs. Eventually it got to be too much and I had to walk away as there was no fixing it. I blamed myself for the longest and I kept trying to figure out what I did wrong. At some point, I realized that while I was responsible for my behavior, she was also responsible for hers. That helped me balance out. I would go from blaming myself and having pity parties to hating her and blaming it all on her. Now I wish only the best for her, and I know we both contributed to the break up.

It made me take a long hard look at myself and how I was in that relationship. I haven't been in one since, just hook ups or short term relationships.

 

[drak_ool]

I was coming back from a really bad back injury, working a full-time office job while standing up (my back was/still is too fvcked up to sit all day long), and all I wanted to do when I got home was to smoke weed and relax. This went on for about 2-3 months, I was also dealing with a lot of uncertainty in my life at that time, both financially and emotionally. Looking back at it I definitely invested a lot less time and effort into the relationship. At first she was still trying hard, but then slowly she kinda gave up as well.

The other thing too was that following my injury I was a lot less active than when I met her, and she is an insanely active girl (personal trainer/fitness model, always teaching seminars and what not). This aspect is possibly the one that kills me the most, because I really don't see how I could have possibly balanced a full-time job that took so much out of me with the necessary physical therapy, not to mention that I didn't have medical insurance at the time, so it was a financial hardship as well.

Imarockstar, great point about the communication, I feel that our 2.5 yrs relationship went from getting ready to be married to completely dying off in less than 2 months without us EVER having a serious talk about it. At the time I chalked it off to her having a new guy (complete conjecture, she always denied it and i have no proof but my gut instinct), but in hindsight I can see how I was going through a terrible time in my life and I wasn't acting like the guy she fell in love with in the first place.

 

[SecondHalf]

I signed up especially to reply to this thread so thanks for that

Here goes:
Short intro: Moved away from hometown to work in a different city - so had to build a new social circle / hobbies etc

- Moving away from all of your friends is a very drastic move and I'd advise it only to people who truly believe that moving is the best way forward. You have to be a strong man to travel away from your social circle and be confident and extrovert enough to set-up a new circle and not fall back on just leaning on the company of your gf. Buyer beware .. I thought I was confident and strong enough but apparently not.. read on:
- Failed to build my own social circle / hobbies; all I effectively did was go to work, work long hours, come home, have dinner, watch tv.. ad infinitum. In the weekends I'd do some occasional sports but not really made a true effort to make new friends and hang out with other people
- Lost my passions in life.. I used to be passionate about a lot of things.. after getting into a relationship I slowly slipped away from all of my passions and "complied" to mediocrity. On hindsight.. I'd just get up on Monday to go to work and go to sleep on Friday waiting for Monday to happen again. I'm sure a lot of people will be able to relate to this feeling.
- Put my ex on a pedestal; surrendered my power. This sounds very drastic but it gradually occurs in LTRs. I started being wishy-washy (e.g. answering her questions on where I want to eat with 'I don't mind.. wherever you want to go' <= this now makes me gag.. was such a wuzz! .. This relates to not having your own social circle as well as all our plans were 'together'..
- Not really making an effort for the relationship.. so letting the passion flow away.. never reigniting the flame.. never being unpredictable.. just being (mediocre) joe bloggs.. Translating this to language used here: I downgraded my personal value and made this blatantly obvious.

I think it all falls back to this:
Never let your individuality be defined by the relationship you're in. Have your own passions, your own interests, your own friends, your own activities.. hell make her feel like you're fitting her into your schedule. She needs to know that you'll still be happy ol' you whenever she decides to walk. She needs to be thinking of stuff she needs to do to stop you from walking away from her instead of vice versa.

We are men - we should stop being pussies and man the F up.

This hits very close to home ^^^^

In my recent breakup, I allowed this woman to control the pace of the relationship, the timelines of it's development, the imagery of the future images, the depth of love. For me to do anything other than parrot thing that have already been censored by her would be met with stress and push back. I wasn't hard enough on her when she was being stupid and I spoiled her.
A situation came up where I felt threatened and I lashed out and that as they say is that. In short, I had turned into an insecure, needy pu55y.
Game over.

SH

 

[Burroughs]

I was coming back from a really bad back injury, working a full-time office job while standing up (my back was/still is too fvcked up to sit all day long), and all I wanted to do when I got home was to smoke weed and relax. This went on for about 2-3 months, I was also dealing with a lot of uncertainty in my life at that time, both financially and emotionally. Looking back at it I definitely invested a lot less time and effort into the relationship. At first she was still trying hard, but then slowly she kinda gave up as well.

The other thing too was that following my injury I was a lot less active than when I met her, and she is an insanely active girl (personal trainer/fitness model, always teaching seminars and what not). This aspect is possibly the one that kills me the most, because I really don't see how I could have possibly balanced a full-time job that took so much out of me with the necessary physical therapy, not to mention that I didn't have medical insurance at the time, so it was a financial hardship as well.

Imarockstar, great point about the communication, I feel that our 2.5 yrs relationship went from getting ready to be married to completely dying off in less than 2 months without us EVER having a serious talk about it. At the time I chalked it off to her having a new guy (complete conjecture, she always denied it and i have no proof but my gut instinct), but in hindsight I can see how I was going through a terrible time in my life and I wasn't acting like the guy she fell in love with in the first place.

Wow man I sympathize with what you went through but this is fvcking insane.

do you not have any expectations that A WOMAN MIGHT ACTUALLY SUPPORT YOU DURING A TIME OF CRISIS?!

And in the event of her not doing so....YOU TAKE THE BLAME?!

I mean what the fuq!

So you are laid up and hurt and your woman drifts away...and you believe its YOUR FAULT...this is just nuts.

Your woman should have helped you, nurtured you, made fvcking soup. she's a trainer right? SO SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER.back injuries are serious..the fact that she drifted away when you were hurt shows her as a world class cvnt..you have nothing to blame yourself over and if you do then you are nuts

 

[drak_ool]

Wow man I sympathize with what you went through but this is fvcking insane.

do you not have any expectations that A WOMAN MIGHT ACTUALLY SUPPORT YOU DURING A TIME OF CRISIS?!

And in the event of her not doing so....YOU TAKE THE BLAME?!

I mean what the fuq!

So you are laid up and hurt and your woman drifts away...and you believe its YOUR FAULT...this is just nuts.

Your woman should have helped you, nurtured you, made fvcking soup. she's a trainer right? SO SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER.back injuries are serious..the fact that she drifted away when you were hurt shows her as a world class cvnt..you have nothing to blame yourself over and if you do then you are nuts

Brotha, notice the title of the thread... ya, I certainly blame her for what she did and I def think it was really shi.tty of her to leave me at an aweful time for me. But I made another thread about her, didn't wanna bring that side into this one.

To give you more details, I had already been 6 months since my injury, so for a lot of people it was hard to realize the extent it affected me in my daily life.

The other thing is that by that time we were doing long distance, and that is very hard to keep up unless you have awesome communication with each other, which we were not because of my constant blazing. I became a lot more apathetic, which is the exact opposite of what she likes in a guy.

The straw that broke our relationship was after I quit my job and went back home to rest and relax with my family. She wanted me to go visit her for her birthday (during our long distance she would fly every 2 months or so to see me) and I told her that I didn't have it in me to fly out to Asia (because of my back, when I fly I stand up the whole time, and 12 hours just seemed like an eternity at that time). Instead though, I went with my family to Mexico for a week, and in hindsight I would definitely change that and make the effort. I don't know if it would have saved it, but at least I would have tried...

 

[sstype]

Wow man I sympathize with what you went through but this is fvcking insane.

do you not have any expectations that A WOMAN MIGHT ACTUALLY SUPPORT YOU DURING A TIME OF CRISIS?!

And in the event of her not doing so....YOU TAKE THE BLAME?!

I mean what the fuq!

So you are laid up and hurt and your woman drifts away...and you believe its YOUR FAULT...this is just nuts.

Your woman should have helped you, nurtured you, made fvcking soup. she's a trainer right? SO SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER.back injuries are serious..the fact that she drifted away when you were hurt shows her as a world class cvnt..you have nothing to blame yourself over and if you do then you are nuts

I agree, if she wasn't willing to tough it out for you, you're better off without her.

We're a society obsessed with love, relationships, and commitments yet are the most likely to throw it away on a whim when hard times or adversity strikes.

The problem is a lot of women see a man as nothing more than a disposable accessory to show off to her friends and family. God forbid you "break" and need time to repair, she'll just replace you with the newest model.

Men are guilty of this as well...so it goes both ways.

 

[Findog]

Where did it go wrong for you? How did you contribute to a woman leaving you? And don't give me, "she cheated on me, it's not my fault". Yes, it absolutely is. If you were doing what you were supposed to, the thought would never cross her mind to cheat on you. This could be interesting. I'd like to hear your experiences and hopefully, what you learned.

Cheating is never justified. If a woman cheats instead of first leaving an exclusive relationship where her needs are not being met, then she's low quality. I think it's naive and extremely simplistic to say that you are always to blame if your partner cheats. People don't necessarily cheat because they are driven to it by chump partners. Some people cheat because they have low self-esteem and validation issues that cannot be met by one person. In order to feel good about themselves, they constantly need the approval and validation of others. Other people cheat because they have insatiable sex drives and get bored with physical monogamy. These are the kinds of people that should never enter into monogamous arrangements to begin with because their sexual appetites cannot be fulfilled by one person. Jesse James comes to mind.

Yes, most of the time when a guy gets dumped it's because he got clingy and smothering and put his woman on a pedestal, engaging in AFC behavior till any attraction the woman once had for him completely dissipates. But sometimes you can hold up your end of the bargain and be doing what you're supposed to do and still get dumped. Some couples break up because they have little in common and there's not enough compatibility to keep them together long-term after the initial excitement fades. And in some cases, one partner has issues that sabotage a relationship. Black and white statements don't really illuminate anything.

It's not really a profound statement or saying much at all to point out that we are the common denominator in all of our failed relationships. We always play a role in that, whether it's our inability to meet the other person's needs and keep their interest, or our failure to heed red flags and screen. At a minimum we choose and pick our partners. If you want to talk about taking personal responsibility and holding yourself accountable, then you can take responsibility for the fact that you didn't screen and qualify such a woman enough if she cheated.

 

[Findog]

I am of the belief that while there are some F'ed up girls out ther, all of them can be managed under the right circumstances even the BPD ones.

Uh no. The only men who can manage a BPD long-term have some form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder themselves. The NPD and the BPD feed each other's emptiness. And just because it lasts doesn't mean it works. There are some relationships and marriages that don't end because the people in them don't want to go through the trouble of having to start all over again from square one. They may be miserable, but they're comfortable staying. It wouldn't be something that you or I would want to be a part of long-term.