*Might be long. Included details and explanations. Had to make a new thread.
New guy here with a question regarding an area I’m struggling with. Let me preface by saying I have no issues attracting women: getting them super interested , sweeping them off their feet, crazy excited around me, etc. The problem is keeping them interested over the long term (relationship), and escalating into sex. I have this sort of imbedded belief going on, where you have to develop a super strong connection and pretty much act like you’re together before you have sex and enter into a relationship. Something tells me this is backwards, and not the way things actually work. In the real world, you date and have sex THEN proceed into a relationship. It’s almost like I want assurance that this is the real deal, and not just sexual. But when we don’t have sex, as a result of my stupid beliefs, no relationship ever happens. We just remain stuck in a limbo until we get so attached and break things off and become heart-broken. Lol.
Part of the problem is the fact that women seem to only show interest in sex- even after we develop a strong connection, everything seems to be heading towards a relationship, etc. I get bugged out and become uncertain and anxious and drop the ball, because I’m already so invested. They are attached, as well. But it doesn’t seem like it goes beyond the more than friends, dating without the physical, in way too deep and so screwed phase. Like, I worry that all they want after all this time is sex. While at the same time, I don’t want to have sex without all the relationship stuff too. So, something is not right, here. The two are conflicting big time.
By the way I am and act, and how I attract women, leads them to just want sex (or so I presume; I might not be knowledgeable enough about how the process works, and how they expect things to go). There’s a lot of sparks, infatuation, seduction, flirting, touching, compliments, smiling, laughing, eye-locking, etc. Plus twirling of hair, being fidgety, soft and nervous, vulnerable, getting real close, on cloud 9, anticipation, wanting to be around me, trying to get my attention, light slapping, etc. So, high attraction. The signs are all there. Definite sexual attraction and interest, by how we interact with each other and the things I say and do with them. Mostly focusing on them, and asking a lot of personal questions, and flirting, and showing interest, etc.
Being that I’m focused more on a relationship, I kind of steer things in that path before having sex, and that seems to screw things up over time (since I never have sex, or escalate, or reciprocate, and bail out of fear). They never lose interest until way later; like after we’re already in a relationship (of pretend). But I never escalate out of some kind of fear, which actually produces the same results I’m trying to avoid (no relationship).
At the same time, they never seem to push for any kind of relationship, and I seem to be waiting for that to happen. But they might be, too- then going ahead with it when I steer things that way. I don't know. I'm confused.
Even if we develop a strong emotional connection, hang around each other, flirt and seduce and touch, etc; the route always seems to be sexual in nature, on top of all those things: being close and friends to an extent. But there's a lot of scarcity, I guess game, and knowledge that we aren't just friends. The underlying tone is always sexual with high attraction after a little while. You can feel it.
When I show interest and steer things in a relationship path, they are definitely up for sex. So knowing what I want, how things have been, and where they seem to be heading, is that just part of the relationship piece for them? ‘Cause they never say anything. They just get horny and seductive and super interested, come around and give me every sign possible; waiting for me to escalate physically. But I never do, ‘cause of the same fear. I’m almost too comfortable and not risky in my head and beliefs. But not boring and unable to attract them. I just can’t seem to make the jump, even when they push for it.
Are things just supposed to be evolve naturally – including sex – without saying anything about it, or trying to define things? Is this how the process works? Or do they just want sex. Or am I way over-analyzing and over-thinking, and screwing my chances up every single time as a result?
As good as things are, it seems like there’s not a lot of connection building unless I initiate. They come to me to get me to initiate- then respond, reciprocate, etc. They’re definitely excited, open, etc, but I seem to have to make it that way- by how our interaction goes. Almost like I have to work for it, and chase them- while they decide.
So, that’s another way I never know what they want, or what’s going on. Which causes anxiety and uncertainty, and nothing fully develops as a result. I can’t read minds, or the situation, and end up staying stuck in the same situation until one of us gets tired of the confusion and leaves for good. Lol. With a nice, strong attachment and recovery process afterwards. All while they keep pushing for sex and trying to turn things physical- while I remain emotionally connected forever.
I think sex is a big part of connecting for women, and I’m messing things up with an unfounded fear by not escalating. Besides, you can’t have a relationship without the physical. And women like the uncertainty and crap like that, or not knowing or having everything defined and laid out; to have things happen and be spontaneous and unpredictable.
Appreciate any insights you guys have on this issue.
New guy here with a question regarding an area I’m struggling with. Let me preface by saying I have no issues attracting women: getting them super interested , sweeping them off their feet, crazy excited around me, etc. The problem is keeping them interested over the long term (relationship), and escalating into sex. I have this sort of imbedded belief going on, where you have to develop a super strong connection and pretty much act like you’re together before you have sex and enter into a relationship. Something tells me this is backwards, and not the way things actually work. In the real world, you date and have sex THEN proceed into a relationship. It’s almost like I want assurance that this is the real deal, and not just sexual. But when we don’t have sex, as a result of my stupid beliefs, no relationship ever happens. We just remain stuck in a limbo until we get so attached and break things off and become heart-broken. Lol.
Part of the problem is the fact that women seem to only show interest in sex- even after we develop a strong connection, everything seems to be heading towards a relationship, etc. I get bugged out and become uncertain and anxious and drop the ball, because I’m already so invested. They are attached, as well. But it doesn’t seem like it goes beyond the more than friends, dating without the physical, in way too deep and so screwed phase. Like, I worry that all they want after all this time is sex. While at the same time, I don’t want to have sex without all the relationship stuff too. So, something is not right, here. The two are conflicting big time.
By the way I am and act, and how I attract women, leads them to just want sex (or so I presume; I might not be knowledgeable enough about how the process works, and how they expect things to go). There’s a lot of sparks, infatuation, seduction, flirting, touching, compliments, smiling, laughing, eye-locking, etc. Plus twirling of hair, being fidgety, soft and nervous, vulnerable, getting real close, on cloud 9, anticipation, wanting to be around me, trying to get my attention, light slapping, etc. So, high attraction. The signs are all there. Definite sexual attraction and interest, by how we interact with each other and the things I say and do with them. Mostly focusing on them, and asking a lot of personal questions, and flirting, and showing interest, etc.
Being that I’m focused more on a relationship, I kind of steer things in that path before having sex, and that seems to screw things up over time (since I never have sex, or escalate, or reciprocate, and bail out of fear). They never lose interest until way later; like after we’re already in a relationship (of pretend). But I never escalate out of some kind of fear, which actually produces the same results I’m trying to avoid (no relationship).
At the same time, they never seem to push for any kind of relationship, and I seem to be waiting for that to happen. But they might be, too- then going ahead with it when I steer things that way. I don't know. I'm confused.
Even if we develop a strong emotional connection, hang around each other, flirt and seduce and touch, etc; the route always seems to be sexual in nature, on top of all those things: being close and friends to an extent. But there's a lot of scarcity, I guess game, and knowledge that we aren't just friends. The underlying tone is always sexual with high attraction after a little while. You can feel it.
When I show interest and steer things in a relationship path, they are definitely up for sex. So knowing what I want, how things have been, and where they seem to be heading, is that just part of the relationship piece for them? ‘Cause they never say anything. They just get horny and seductive and super interested, come around and give me every sign possible; waiting for me to escalate physically. But I never do, ‘cause of the same fear. I’m almost too comfortable and not risky in my head and beliefs. But not boring and unable to attract them. I just can’t seem to make the jump, even when they push for it.
Are things just supposed to be evolve naturally – including sex – without saying anything about it, or trying to define things? Is this how the process works? Or do they just want sex. Or am I way over-analyzing and over-thinking, and screwing my chances up every single time as a result?
As good as things are, it seems like there’s not a lot of connection building unless I initiate. They come to me to get me to initiate- then respond, reciprocate, etc. They’re definitely excited, open, etc, but I seem to have to make it that way- by how our interaction goes. Almost like I have to work for it, and chase them- while they decide.
So, that’s another way I never know what they want, or what’s going on. Which causes anxiety and uncertainty, and nothing fully develops as a result. I can’t read minds, or the situation, and end up staying stuck in the same situation until one of us gets tired of the confusion and leaves for good. Lol. With a nice, strong attachment and recovery process afterwards. All while they keep pushing for sex and trying to turn things physical- while I remain emotionally connected forever.
I think sex is a big part of connecting for women, and I’m messing things up with an unfounded fear by not escalating. Besides, you can’t have a relationship without the physical. And women like the uncertainty and crap like that, or not knowing or having everything defined and laid out; to have things happen and be spontaneous and unpredictable.
Appreciate any insights you guys have on this issue.
